Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Let's get real

I stole this idea from Bitter Betty over at Tastes Like Purple so if you haven't been reading over there, do. She is fucking hilarious!!

The idea is to write 15 honest statements to anyone you want to, dead or alive, past or present, but no names. I think we should all play along! ;)

Here are mine:

1. Sometimes you are a selfish asshole who never thinks of anyone but yourself.

2. All I ever wanted was your love and acceptance and all I ever got was your judgment and indifference.

3. You are the only person in my life that loved and accepted me unconditionally.

4. I miss our late night dates in front of the TV, drinking rum and coke, and making out like teenagers.

5. I wish you could have seen yourself the way I saw you.

6. You pretended to be someone you weren't for two years. You lied to me and cheated on me and I hope you get back everything you gave tenfold.

7. You claim not to be shallow, but you focus on the superficial and you are missing out on what really matters.

8. I have the biggest crush on you and wish you would ask me out on a date cause I will never make the first move.

9. You never really hear anything I tell you.

10. It wouldn't have taken much for me to fall in love with you, I was almost there.

11. I never really loved you and knew in the first week that we would never stay together.

12. As much as I want to help make your situation better, I can't help but think that you made things that bad yourself.

13. Your boyfriend flirts with me, kissed me, and makes sexual advances towards me. I tell him no, but I really want to tell him yes.

14. Your best friend fucked your husband.

15. You will never find what you are looking for as long as you close your mind to people that don't fit your pre-conceived notion of what you think they should be.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

There just isn't a simple answer to this giant mess I'm in

From: A
Sent: Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:49 AM
To: Bex
Subject: what cha need

you called last night?

From: Bex
Sent: Tuesday, June 27, 2006 10:02 AM
To: A
Subject: RE: what cha need

Things with Poet just got really bad.


hmmm, why?

We got into a huge fight last night. The whole situation is just beyond broken that I don't know what we can do to fix it. He thinks that if we stop sleeping together that everything will be ok. I think that it's unrealistic to think we could keep hanging out together and not have sex. The line has already been crossed. He says that he likes me, is attracted to me, wants to keep spending time together. He also wants to be able to date other people and not make a commitment to anyone until he is absolutely sure about things. He says that our having sex together clouds both of our judgment and is making things too complicated. It just got so nasty last night. I had to leave the house for awhile just to be able to breathe. Then later he blew up at me cause I was crying and then just left the room. That pissed me off so I went after him to yell at him and he was crying. He keeps apologizing for hurting me and says he just wants me to be happy. So we fall asleep and he wakes up and asks if I'm ok and then says that he loves me. WTF???!!?? I am so confused.


you both are morons

That is ever so helpful. Thanks.

if he isn't going to make a commitment of any kind then why bother with the whole deal?

I really like him a lot. He makes me laugh.

then you can continue on the route your are on.

So are you saying that even if I'm patient and understanding he still won't want to be with me in the end?


nope, but until he changes his mind you either tag along and play by his rules or you don't.

It's just so damn frustrating that he keeps changing his mind on what he wants from me.

I am trying to date other people and not get attached to him. It's just really hard.


then you will have to set the standard then. Start playing by your rules.

I don't know how to do that. It's not in my personality to be the "aggressor" in any situation.

you don't have to be aggressive. Just write on a piece of paper the rules you need to follow and stick to them

Even that is hard because I really have no idea what I want from him or how to handle any of this. He flipped out cause I was upset that he wants to hang out with another girl this weekend while I would be around. I feel bad for even asking him not to cause we have no commitment and can do whatever he wants. At the same time though, it is unfair for him to ask me to have to sit there while he is on a "date" 10 feet away from me.


then you have to tell him that he cant. That is the price you now both will pay because you have played. It's only fair and if he doesn't like it. Tell him to blow.

He agreed not to have us be in the same vicinity but he isn't happy about it. I have never screwed up so much in my life.
He made a joke last night about if I made an ad on craigslist and he answered it. I told him he would never answer an ad from me because we aren't each other's "type" and that is what makes this whole situation so damn frustrating. I feel that there is a reason we feel the way we do about each other and that maybe we should run with it and see where it takes us. He doesn't see it that way. How do you reconcile that?


you don't, you cant change someone's mind for them

It makes no sense though. One minute he is telling me how much he likes me, how attracted he is to me, how much he wants to have sex with me and the next minute he is talking about dating other people. It's almost as if he builds me up to tear me down. I know that is not his intention but that is how all this makes me feel. "I like you but I won't date you." WTF is that?


why buy the cow?

Talk about damned if you damned if you don't. Would you consider a relationship with someone that wouldn't have sex with you?


yes, sex is part of a relationship, not what a relationship comes from

This is the part of dating that I hate. It's all a fuckin game. How long do you wait to call or to see again or to sleep with, etc. It's so stupid. God forbid people actually say what they really feel and screw all the rest.

My values

Your Values Profile

Loyalty:

You value loyalty a fair amount.
You're loyal to your friends... to a point.
But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties.
Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself.

Honesty:

You value honesty a fair amount.
You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it.
If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it.
In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity."

Generosity:

You value generosity highly.
So much so that you often put your own needs last.
There's nothing wrong with having a caring heart...
But you may want to rethink your "open wallet" policy.

Humility:

You value humility highly.
You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are.
And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better.
You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low.

Tolerance:

You value tolerance highly.
Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...
You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.
You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Risking it all

My heart on the line. My choice. Don't pull away from me because you don't want to hurt me. If I am willing to risk a broken heart on the chance that something wonderful could happen between us, you should let that decision be mine. I know you care about me and are only thinking of my feelings, but think about the feelings that are happening now. Neither one of us knows what fate has in store for us. Let's take advantage of the now and deal with things as they come. You have said it time and time again that no matter how many times you tell yourself that we won't have sex again we keep ending up in bed together. That is because we both WANT to be there. Be willing to take a risk on being happy. I am not like all those fake girls that you have been with in the past. I have no desire to hurt you or break your heart. I am always completely honest with you the way you are with me. I know the stakes are high, but let's gamble it all. After all, we could always win in the end.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I'll keep trying

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we're not
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

~I Try~Macy Gray

Friday, June 16, 2006

Different is good

I have dated a lot of crappy guys. I can honestly say there is only one man in my past that I would ever consider having sex with again or even trying to date again (I haven't ever really talked about him here, we'll call him Hockey Geek). So when I think about why those guys were so crappy I come up with one conclusion: They cared more about themselves then they cared about me.

Now before you freak out and say that is how it is supposed to be, hear me out. Yes, you should always put yourself first and take care of you. That is the only way to have a healthy relationship. So when I say that they cared about themselves more, I mean in every way. They never stopped to think about how their actions would make me feel. This is why people find it easy to cheat on someone they say they love. Because in that moment there is not a single thought to the person that you are sharing your life with and how you would be hurting them. It's the complete disregard of your significant other's feelings about anything. It is the complete lack of empathy, sensitivity, moral integrity, and honor that should be the basis of a loving relationship. When I think about my past I realize that I felt their lack of caring in their touch. There is a difference when a guy who is out to get his touches your skin and when a guy that cares about you caresses you. Sure, the motions are the same, but the EMOTIONS are different. The emotions come through in the touch, the kiss, the foreplay, the sex, and the way you both feel about things afterwards.

I don't know that I would have ever come to this conclusion unless Poet pointed it out to me. He says that the way I kiss him, touch him, and look at him he can tell that I have feelings behind that. When I asked him how he knows that he said it is because he does the same thing. So that made me think about the difference between how he touches me and how Cabana Boy or acquaintance crush touched me. I do feel how much he cares about me in the way that he caresses my face. I think that is what makes things so complicated between us. We are both such emotional beings it is hard to separate the physical attraction we feel for one another and the emotions behind it. It makes me wonder if it's the sex that makes us like each other or if it's really how we feel. We tried taking sex out of the equation and it felt unnatural. Whenever we would be in the same room with one another it felt like we were both holding back from saying what we needed to or making any kind of inadvertent physical contact. It feels uncomfortable and weird and I hated it. So somehow Poet and I ended up cuddling up together once again and things felt right. Things felt more honest that way then trying to stifle these feelings that come up. Well, cuddling leads to kissing and kissing leads to touching and touching leads to, well, you know. And here we are back where we started, those damn emotions that come along with that undeniable physical attraction.

As I see it one of three things will happen between us:
1. Whatever this chemistry is will fizzle out once we have it out of our systems and we will go back to just being friends and all will be well.
2. This chemistry leads to something more significant and maybe we realize that us together is a good thing and honestly try and make something out of it.
3. One of us will get emotionally entangled and the other won't, leading to a broken heart and the loss of a great friendship.

I really don't want it to be #3. If that were to happen I know that it would end up being my heart that's broken. #3 has already happened to me with the Hockey Geek. If you want to put a label on our relationship I guess it would be "friends with benefits". We never really went on dates or met each others friends and family. We pretty much just hung out together and had great sex. Eventually I wanted more then he could give and in the end we had to call it quits. I was devastated for a long time about it. I had never had a relationship that was so open and honest where I felt like I could tell him anything without being embarrassed or made to feel stupid. I had never had such great sex, either. I had never known a guy to actually care about how I felt, what I thought, or what he could do to please me in bed. It was overwhelmingly wonderful. I think because we were always honest with each other and I hold no blame for why he had to end things, we have been able to rekindle a friendship today. I have NO regrets of any kind about my relationship with Hockey Geek. I wish we had better timing with life, but I am grateful he was in my life. He really showed me what it should be like when a guy says he cares about you.

I think that is why I am willing to take a chance on Poet. I know in my heart he really does care about me. Whenever he thinks he has hurt me, I see that hurt reflected in his eyes. It torments him. Sometimes he can be a little too brutally honest, but I know it is what I really need to hear. He never says whatever it takes to get under my skirt. In fact, he spends most of the time trying to talk me out of wanting to be with him. That kinda backfires though and makes me want him more. He told me this morning that what makes it hard for him is that he has feelings for more than one girl at the same time. He is talking to other girls, dating other girls, and then there is me. To be honest I am not sure how I feel about that. I want him all to myself, but at the same time I really wonder if a relationship between the two of us would ever even work out at all. We are so alike in so many ways, but we are also really different in really big ways. It's those differences that make both of us a little skeptical about any kind of future together. So we are stuck in this uncertainty that only goes away when we are alone together in the dark. Is that bad? Is it wrong? I don't know. I only know how he makes me feel when I am with him and that is all that matters. I suppose only time will tell which of the three things will happen with us.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Longing

I've always been a big fan of being woken up for sex. Whether it be in the middle of the night or early in the morning nothing gets me hotter then knowing that he wakes up wanting. This morning we wake up to the alarm, he hits the snooze button. I snuggle up closer to him. His hands start roaming with gentle caresses that cause my belly to flutter with anticipation. His hand moves up to my hair as he brushes it from my neck. Gentle kisses to the back of my neck and I wiggle even closer to him. I lightly caress his arm, kissing the palm of his hand, nibbling on his finger, he moans. The alarm sounds again, silenced again by the snooze button. I mourn the loss of his hand on my body and moan with pleasure as he returns it. More touching, more playing, and then time has become our enemy. I must get up and go to work. We reluctantly part and being the day.

So now I sit here, at my desk, surrounded by the mundane, with thoughts of his touch, the anticipation still fluttering in my belly, his scent still on my skin, thinking about tonight and setting the alarm to go off even earlier tomorrow.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Broken

So Poet and I are officially just friends again. It's tormenting him that we have had sex (although we both admit it was pretty fuckin fabulous) and he is in no way interested in a relationship right now. Things between us have been nothing but weird since we did the deed. I was getting quite frustrated by the whole situation myself. On one hand I didn't really want to be in a relationship right now either. On the other hand I believe that everything happens for a reason and he is such a good guy I felt that despite the bad timing maybe we were supposed to make something work. The whole situation has been tearing me apart emotionally since it happened. All I have done this week is get drunk trying to numb the feelings that I was unable to express. Last night was really, really bad. I got drunk at the bar, and my former crush was there making moves on me. I texted Poet and told him what was going on and he told me to "do my thing". It was at that moment that I knew he would never have any intention of trying to work anything out between us other then friendship. So being hurt and angry and drunk I went home with former crush, had a little wham bam thank you ma'am, and 45 minutes later was out the door without so much as a hug goodbye. Talk about making a bad situation worse, I have never felt so completely worthless in my entire life. I would rather go back into the hell that was my first love and get knocked around then feel this way. I know that Poet is making a decision that he thinks is best for both us. I know that he never, ever wanted to hurt me or make me feel bad. I place absolutely no blame on him whatsoever. He told me last night that if we can't get past things that we would have to stop talking completely. I really hate the thought of that, he has been a wonderful friend to me and I really, really don't want to lose that. I told him to give me a little time and I will get better. I want things back to the way they were before we let things go to far. I honestly don't know if that is possible, but I really am going to try as hard as I can. I want my friend back to be silly with, laugh with, and just be able to talk about anything with. I've really missed that this week. So I won't be drinking for awhile. I need to be sober and take care of me.