Decisions, Decisions

So I have been in the process of buying a house for the last 6 months. There have been ups and downs and a few freak-outs, but the day is getting really close. I never once thought in a million years that I would be buying a house on my own. I always thought that I would have to have a husband to do that. Don't get me wrong though, I have always been proud of the fact that I have been supporting myself (with the occasional help from Dad) for the last 9 years. I have always been able to pay my own bills and live without roommates for the most part.

I started out in a small 550 square foot apartment. It was tiny and ugly, but it was my very own. I initially moved into it because my boyfriend at the time (who was 14 years older than me) said that we couldn't get married until I had lived on my own. His rationalization was that he had experienced that part of life and wanted me to experience it as well so that I wouldn't later feel that I had missed out on something. That was one of the greatest gifts he ever gave me.

Ever since then it has been just me and my dog(s). We have lived in 5 different apartments and 2 houses in the last 9 years. Other than my bout of temporary insanity with Cabana boy and the aftermath of being in that house, I have done it on my own. Not very many of my friends can say that. If they lived on their own prior to being married they always had roommates to depend on.

Now comes the hard part. I have to make this huge decision on my own. This is not like something that I'm renting that I can move out of in 6 months or year if I don't like it. This is for at least the next 5 years. The sad part of it is that I have never lived in once place for 5 years straight in my entire life. This is HUGE! I am absolutely terrified. What if I don't like the neighbors? What if something huge goes wrong? What if it's really creepy there at night? What if? What if? What if?

So far I have found one house that I walked into and fell in love. Unfortunately, that house is a short sale (pre-foreclosure) and has multiple offers on it. I am about third in line for it. It could be months before I hear anything and even then I may not get it. So now I am searching for a house that I like (hopefully as much or more) that I would be able to get into within the next few months. The first house I looked at, I liked. It was recently remodeled and needed very little done before I could move in (mainly just a piece of fence along the alley). That house as well was a short sale. It has been on the market almost a year. The listing agent told us that the bank had declined offer after offer. A few weeks ago it was finally foreclosed on and went back to the bank. Well, today it came back on the market. At 20k less than the previous asking price. I put an offer on it. There is a very good chance that a week from now I will have an acceptance. I could be a home owner by mid-October. I am freaking out. I keep second guessing my decisions. I have called my parents, my friends, anyone I can think of to offer some reassurance that I am making the right decision. If only there was some pill I could take that would boost my self-confidence in this decision. So until someone invents that, I am just going to continue sitting here with my leg shaking, chewing my fingernails, and aimlessly trying to distract myself from over-thinking this monumental event. I would love a major distraction right now. Anyone got any ideas?

What Women Must Have

A great set of guidelines to remember. I've highlighted what I've got. Now to work on what I haven't...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

one friend who always makes her laugh,

and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates,

wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder,

and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips,

or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

whom she can trust,

whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go,

be it to her best friend's kitchen table,

or a charming Inn in the woods

when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't accomplish

in a day,

a month,

and a year.

Lessons that need to be learned

I've highlighted the ones I feel are most important. If only all my stalkers, I mean readers, would heed them as well...


Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

Dream more while you are awake.

Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

Forgive everyone for everything. <--- Definitely one to live by for a healthier, happier you.

Anxious

I have been in the midst of an anxiety attack for the last two weeks. I constantly feel as if my skin is crawling, I can't stop moving, can't stop thinking, feel sick to my stomach, and just want to cry at everything. I have been seeing a therapist for the last few months and I think bringing up all this old baggage that I have been avoiding is manifesting itself physically. I talked to her about it last night and she has given me some tips for dealing with my anxiety. It's hard to do relaxation exercises when nothing feels safe anymore. I am looking for a new house, a new job, my dog has gone blind in the last week, and I just feel alone in it all.

It would be nice to have that one person that was willing to drop everything just to hold my hand in this. I have friends, but they all have their own lives and their own issues. I've had to cut some people out of my life lately because they need to much of me and I have nothing left to give. Literally nothing. I don't have the energy to be supportive. How sad is that? It is like I am not myself anymore. My therapist said that things might get worse before they get better. I hope that is where they are. I am forcing myself to leave the house, not only for work, but occasionally to socialize. Although, I don't really have much to say. I am avoiding as many phone calls as I can for the same reason. I just need everything to stop being in limbo. I need to know what is going to happen and when. The only way I can fall asleep at night is to stay up until my eyes won't open anymore and repeat to myself that everything is going to be ok.

So...
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.