Curvy Girl World

Gettin on my soapbox

2009-07-30T10:40:00.002-06:00

So with all this talk about Michael Vick coming back to play for the NFL and the many varied reactions I felt I needed to say my piece too. Because after all, when do I ever not have an opinion about something.

I feel that we should hold professional athletes and celebrities to a different standard. They have chosen professions that place them in the public eye and therefore have a certain responsibility to the public that idolizes them (especially children). I am not saying that because you are a celebrity that you have to be a perfect angel that never makes mistakes. However, when mistakes are made you should take responsibility for them and make amends. If you are making millions a year there is absolutely no reason to get a DUI. You have more then enough money to call a cab to get yourself home. And this bullshit of serving less then a day in jail is ridiculous. This is not how "real" people are punished for the very same offenses. All this does is tell our children that even when you break the law and put other people's lives at risk it's no big deal because you'll just have to sit in "time-out" and make a public service announcement.

Professional athletes and celebrities are being paid millions of dollars to "play" at their job. I am not saying there isn't stress and hard work associated with it. At the end of the day though, they are lucky to be able to do what they love and get paid for it. I think if you are a professional athlete that commits a violent offense against human or animal you should lose your job permanently. There is no excusing this behavior. Would we allow someone that beats his wife or murders innocent animals for sport teach our children? Would you let a drug-addicted drunk babysit your child? Hell no. So why should we allow these same types of people to be role models for our children? Why should they continue to be able to "play" a game for more money then most of us will see in a lifetime?

Winston Churchill said, "The price of greatness is responsibility."

The Dalai Lama teaches, "Today, more than ever before, life must be characterized by a sense of Universal responsibility, not only nation to nation and human to human, but also human to other forms of life."

Hell, even Spiderman said, "...with great power comes great responsibility."

Is it really asking too much for these athletes, celebrities, and the society that idolizes them to hold themselves accountable for their negative actions? We as a society need to step up and say no more. We need to stop feeding into the madness. If we stop letting them get away with it, things will change. You may feel as if your small stand won't make a difference in the big picture, but it does. One less ticket purchased, one less jersey worn, one less game watched on television, it all adds up as those one become many. Maybe then the point will be made.

Oops!

2009-07-07T12:15:00.002-06:00

So here we are, my guy and I, together only 6 months and expecting a baby. OOPS!

Ironically, our little one is due almost exactly a year to the day we met on POF.

I am excited, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed, happy, and curious all at the same time. I am about to start this massive journey without a clue as to what I'm doing. I feel like I have so much to do and so little time to figure it all out.

If you'd like to keep up with the pregnancy news, send me an email and I'll send you the link for our baby blog.

More updates on life in general soon...

Things I would tell you if we were still friends

2009-06-02T14:23:00.000-06:00

I met this really great guy and I am finally getting everything I wanted and more. He makes me smile every day, even when he's being a pain in my ass.

Not only did the 32 year-old virgin finally have sex, she is getting married this fall!

I totally wanted to get you that shirtless Mormon calendar for your birthday. I know how you always talked about corrupting one.

M took a plea deal and plead guilty to Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor. No having to register as a sex offender and he will just have a couple years of probation. He says he is moving back to FL as soon as he is eligible to have his probation transferred. His latest thing is being "sick" and having to adhere to all these "horrible" rules of probation.

I hope you are healthy and back in tip-top shape.

I do miss talking to you sometimes. I wish things would have gone differently between us. So much has happened and is happening in my life that I have wanted to share with you. I will find myself starting to call you and then remembering that you don't want to hear from me.

I know you are reading here. At first that bothered me because I thought that if you didn't want to be my friend, why would you care what I was doing. Now it just seems normal. Maybe one day you'll reach out, maybe one day I will.

I never intended to not speak to each other again. I just needed a break. Your actions made me feel like I was wrong about everything. I could do nothing right for you. For some reason we had stopped communicating with each other and started talking at each other. It just wasn't healthy for either one of us. I knew that you had support with new friends and would be OK if I stepped back and let you move forward.

I hope that life is treating you well and you are happy.

Big City Livin'

2009-05-12T16:10:00.003-06:00

When you live in a large city you never really know what you'll encounter. It's one of the reasons that I love living in the city (although technically I live in a suburb).

I was driving to lunch today and passed a horse drawn covered wagon pulling another covered wagon behind it. This was pretty odd to see on a busy boulevard in the middle of the day. It reminded me of the time I was smack in the middle of the barrio and saw a cowboy riding a horse with his dog in his lap trotting down the sidewalk while cars sped by.

Then at the little deli I stopped at to pick up lunch I met this fabulous drag queen. He had the cutest wallet and we shared some fashion tips while waiting for our sandwiches.

After that I went home to my guys. In front of my house was a big rig with suicide doors, my 1955 Ford Fairlane, parked halfway in the garage was my pooh bear's 1966 F-100 we've affectionately nicknamed "Mater", and inside of the garage sits my guy's 1964 F-100 in various stages of rebuild. This in addition to the 79 Camero, 58 Chevy truck, and 2005 F-250 in the backyard.

If you had told me six months ago that I would have a day like this I would have said you were crazy. Now, I can't imagine life any different.

Back To My Roots

2009-04-10T09:46:00.002-06:00

When I began writing here I was at the beginning of what was supposed to be an exploration of sexuality, sensuality, and self-discovery. Somehow during that time I found myself in a relationship where my only intent in pursuing it was to be able to explore those desires. Instead, I found myself in a relationship that was all talk and no action. Since that time I hadn't found that person that I wanted to explore with, until now.

D and I have been dating since January and living together for the last few months. He is relentless in trying to get me to communicate my feelings. He will not give something up until he gets an answer. At the moment I find this to be not only frustrating, but irritating at the same time. Once I speak my mind though I feel better for having done so as it just brings us that much closer. I recently had a revelation about why it's so hard for me to talk about how I feel and what I want: it's because for my entire life, no one has listened to me. I could tell my family how I felt until I was blue in the face and no one took me seriously or made any changes. So eventually I just gave up expressing myself. Other then the anonymity of this blog, there have been very few people in my life that I felt like I could talk to and be not only listened to, but understood. By D forcing me to go outside the lines I've drawn around myself he is opening me up to new experiences. I feel like I've finally found that person that I can explore life with.

So because of that it's time to get back to my roots with this blog. It's time to start talking about life, love, sex and everything in between. It's time to open my mind and experience whatever it is life has to offer. It's time to just enjoy the ride...

Sweet and sour

2009-02-16T16:20:00.002-07:00

Life has been great recently in some ways and in other ways it has been awful.

What's great? The man is wonderful, more about him in a later post. Work is good. Finances are on track for once. The house has come together.

What's bad? I've got some health issues as of late. The good news is that they are working on getting things back to normal, so hopefully I will be straightened out soon. I need to find a way to tell my dad to back off and let me live my life my way. The time for his loving interference needs to come to an end. I need to stand on my own two feet and he needs to let someone else be the man in my life now.

So there's a quick update from my world. More later. I promise.

We Need To Talk

2009-02-03T13:43:00.002-07:00

The four most dreaded words in the English language. Those four words never seem to be followed by anything positive. Why is that exactly? Why do we allow things to get that far gone before we feel the need to say those four words? Whatever we are feeling builds and builds until finally we can no longer take things as they are and we say those four feared words. Once they are said it immediately fills the other person with a sense of dread, apprehension, defensiveness, and reluctance. They know they are about to be hit with something heavy that requires them to feel something about the situation at hand and just maybe they aren't ready to confront it.

I feel like I am stuck circling those four words. I need to have a conversation with someone. I need to clarify things for my own peace of mind. I need reassurance and reciprocity. The only problem with this is that I am terrified to do so. I am afraid of hearing the opposite of what I want. I am afraid of being let down and let go. I am afraid I've been reading too much into the good and not enough into the bad. So in my fear, I let things continue as they are, and thus, continue to feel out of control and unsure. As I sit next to him, the beginning of that much needed conversation resides on my lips like gloss waiting to be kissed off on another. The butterflies in my stomach fluttering about so hard I am afraid he can hear them while I attempt to work up the nerve for those words to leave my mouth.

So while I live in this constant state of question I am also attempting to not become attached so that if I do ever get the nerve up to say what I need to say and I don't hear what I want to hear that my heart will only crack and not break. This too feels impossible. I've always been one to give of myself completely and without question. Unfortunately, this normally leads to being taken for granted and when no longer needed, discarded for the next best thing. I no longer want to be the waiting-room-girl, that placeholder that keeps him satisfied until he decides that there is someone or something better out there. So while I am avoiding that conversation, and he is living in the moment (I think), I am still out there making sure he is the best choice for me. So maybe in all that the conversation will become unnecessary in one way or another. Maybe I'll find a way to get the nerve to say those four words, whatever they end up being.

This Is Nucking Futs

2009-01-14T16:15:00.003-07:00

Officials Wednesday announced a peanut butter recall due to the possibility of salmonella contamination now affects our state.

The Peanut Corporation is voluntarily recalling peanut butter produced in its Blakely, Georgia facility. However, none of the peanut butter was sold directly to consumers through retail stores. Instead it's usually sent in bulk for to certain institutions.

It's usually under the labels "King Nut" and "Parnell's Pride."

Ok, really? King Nut? Seriously? Who would eat that? I find that name to be extraordinarily funny. Maybe it's that juvenile sense of humor, but I just seriously laughed til I cried after reading this.

The perfect example of why men and women don't communicate well

2009-01-12T13:13:00.001-07:00

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "
I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells,'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time........

No one moves..................

He removes his shirt................

Muscles ripple across his chest..........

She gasps....................

He whispers...............

"Iron this...then get me a beer."

Back in the pool

2008-12-22T15:25:00.003-07:00

The Internet dating pool that is. I've been single for over two years now and I am quite tired of taking out my own trash.

Really though, I love my friends and hanging out with them. It just really sucks to always be the third wheel at everything, attend parties solo, etc. I am just a bit lonely for that special someone. It's hard to be single in a world of pairs.

So I'm trying out plenty of fish. It's free and seems to be a step up from craigslist. I'm already emailing with a guy and I just signed up a couple hours ago.

He just asked me if I have a spam. What's that? Like meat in a can? No, I don't eat that. Like those random emails telling me to buy Viagra? Yeah, I get those. Seriously, what is that about?

People make me sick

2008-12-19T13:20:00.002-07:00

So Caylee Anthony has finally been found. Unfortunately, this was not the way the world had hoped. I can only hope she didn't suffer. This woman who gave birth to Caylee has been lying for MONTHS. Did she really think she wouldn't get caught? They had enough to charge her with murder without finding Caylee. Her tower of lies crumbled long ago and the hole she was digging herself in got deeper and deeper.

I will never understand why people feel the need to harm children. There are so many women in this world that would love to have a healthy child of their own and there are many more that would lovingly adopt children. In this world of choice, there is absolutely no excuse for this. Got pregnant and don't want the baby? Get an abortion. Don't think abortion is the answer? Put the baby up for adoption. Don't want to give the baby away? Then GROW THE FUCK UP AND BE A PARENT. This means no more partying every night, no constant stream of men at your house, keeping your child safe, and being a loving and concerned parent. There are too many kids in this world getting abused, neglected, and killed. It seems so unjust that children are forced to live such horrendous lives at the hands of adults. It is situations like this that make me question the "higher power". I will never understand the necessity of this type of evil in the world.

Rest well, sweet Bettie

2008-12-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I didn't realize it til it was too late

2008-12-11T10:41:00.002-07:00

I'm sorry that I bought you roses to tell you that I like you.
I'm sorry that I was raised with respect not to sleep with you when you were drunk.

I'm sorry that my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants.
I'm sorry that I open your car door, and pull out your chair like I was raised.

I'm sorry that I'm not cute enough to be "your guy".
I'm sorry that I am actually nice; not a jerk.

I'm sorry I don't have a huge bank account to buy you expensive things.
I'm sorry I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you, instead of at a club.

I'm sorry I would rather make love to you then just screw you like some random guy.
I'm sorry that I am always the one you need to talk to, but never good enough to date.

I'm sorry that I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car, but when we went out you went home with another guy.

I'm sorry that I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend.

I'm sorry if I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around.

I'm sorry if I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work.

I'm sorry that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.
I'm sorry if you read this and know somebody like this but don't care.

But most of all I'm sorry for not being sorry anymore.

I'm sorry that you can't accept me for who I am.

I'm sorry I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for.

I'm sorry that I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm Sorry that I cared .

~ Author unknown

This could have very well been written by you. I'm sorry that I treated you so badly and took you for granted. I miss our friendship and can't help but think that you may have been the "one" and I let you slip out of my life. I'm sorry that I never told you how much you mean to me and what an important person you are in my life. You got me through all the bad times when no one else was there. Most of all, I am sorry that I am too scared of a good guy that I can't bring myself to be with you once and for all. Love, me.

Jobs

2008-12-09T13:37:00.002-07:00

I found this post on craigslist today. While I agree with parts of it (in fact if I could have made a list of all things I want from a man this would include most of it), there were some things that I thought to be a bit unrealistic. My comments to his are in bold. I've deleted the repetitive and extraneous.

So here is my job...and your job: I know my job and I own up to it, I learned the hard way - but I own up to it now. My job is to be decisive when you say "what do you want to do tonight?" My job is NOT to say, "I dunno, what do you want to do?" It is my job to say, "I would like to [verb here] to [insert place] and [activity here]. Yet, I must also know when you have your own idea and actually want me to say, "I don't know, what about you?" How should I know? That's my job as a man. I must know. I do know. This is great, except no one is a mind reader. I'm too indecisive and really don't mind someone else making the plans. If there is something I really want to do, I'll let you know. I would never expect you to psychically link to me and figure it out.

My job is to pay for dinner even if you say you want to pay half. My job is to be ambitious in my career and make enough money that if we live together and your career takes a turn for the worse - I would have the money to afford to keep you fed and healthy AND SEXY (we will talk about you being SEXY below). Thank you! Is it wrong of me to expect for the man to be the major breadwinner? I don't mind working, but if we have kids I would like the opportunity to be able to raise them and not have to juggle a full-time job as well.

My job is make you feel safe with me. If I have to act like a psycho killer once in a while when someone is being threatening around you and endangering your well being, even if it means I might end up in jail for the night (when I break his arm and jaw for trying to rape you), I do it. Yet I need to know when to be cool and aloof most of the time when you are just engaged in friendly flirting. I have to NOT feel threatened when guys stare at you, not be jealous when they flirt, not be insecure when you flirt back, just relax and enjoy your happiness. Hopefully it will never get that far and my sharp tongue will scare him off, but I know what I am supposed to do if it does get that far. I want to feel safe with my man always. This means he has to be capable of defending my honor. Not that he is some knucklehead always looking for a fight. I was at a party once with an ex, and a guy that had been interested in me (he was extremely drunk at the time) leaned into me while we were chatting and kissed my neck. I immediately let him know how inappropriate that was and as I turned to leave I noticed my ex staring at us from across the room. I went over to him and he started into the typical "I'm going to beat his ass, yadda yadda". I literally asked him to sit down and shut up before he got himself hurt. While I appreciated the sentiment this was not a guy that could fight his way out of a paper bag. So had this been a complete stranger that I needed protection from, I don't think he would have been capable.

My job is to intuit, using my sexual psychic powers, when you need to be objectified and fucked like an animal (yet still ensuring your orgasm) or spanked or hair pulled, or more, and when you need gentle love like what you saw in that romantic movie you watched. I need to also magically know when you want it quick and urgent and when you want it to take all night. And when you scream the very painful words "fuck me harder," even whilst I am fucking as hard as I can and running out of breath, it is my job to find a way to do it harder. Yes, it is tough, but it is my job, I accept it. I have to figure all this out without anything but your body language and your subtle female hints. Yes, please with seconds afterwards.

It is also my job to make you feel comfortable to express yourself to me, to listen, to show you I care (without ever caring too much). I have to care for you and show love without ever making you feel that I am more sensitive than you, more emotional, more emotionally intelligent, sweeter or more romantic. If I cross those lines, you will run from me and say I am too nice - or just not feel complete because I am walking in your territory as a woman. And when you get into a car accident, and the guy you hit is yelling at you and you call me on the cell phone, I need to be able to drop what I am doing and effectively manage whatever tragedy has occurred. Sure, you can do it yourself. I am just saying that when tragedy goes down, and [if] you are in need of help, I need to take care of it. The relationship requires that I be able to stay calm and solve problems when you can't. As terribly cliche as it sounds, every girl likes to be rescued once in awhile. There are times I would love not to have to handle a crisis and be able to let my man take the reigns. I've been doing it on my own for a long time, it would be nice to have someone to share the burdens and the sorrows of life with. I would do the same for him as well.

Your first job is to be SEXY. It is your job to discover your own natural sexiness, manifest it, AND your job to figure out what I think is sexy. How do you normally attract men? If you think it is by wearing your thong above your jeans so that everyone can see it - then you are a moron. If you think it is getting wasted at some club and making out with your best girl-friend while guys cheer - you are an idiot. I have met you already, you bore me. I think you need to pull your pants up, drink less, bathe more and try to be more original than the Girls Gone Wild video that your former boyfriends got boners watching. I am not saying you have to dress up, I am only saying you need to figure out where/what and how to create your sexiness and make sure I agree with it. Eat right, wear sexy underwear. I want to love the sexy girl who will occasionally be ugly. Not the girl with no taste who once in a while gets lucky and looks nice. And you need to be able to figure out when not to be sexy, like: when meeting my perverted father, when I am sick in a hospital bed, incapacitated and unable to move, but only able to see that some male interns and you are talking about my condition. I have no issue with looking good, within reason. No woman is a doll. This means that a man should love me whether I am in make-up or not, fat or thin, or wear sexy underwear everyday. Sexy is not always comfortable. True beauty radiates from within and shines through. If we're happy and in love, believe me when I say that every man in the room will turn his head when I walk in and every woman will wish she was on your arm. It won't matter what kind of underwear I have on. I do appreciate that sexy does not equal trashy, it's nice to hear.

It is your job to nurture. If I am down and not feeling so great, you need to be building me back up. You need to be reading self-help books once in a while and see to it that we are both emotionally balanced. You need to make sure that we both communicate what is bothering us and all that stuff that you women want us to talk about in relationships. I need that. No one is responsible for anyone else's emotional health. I'm happy to nurture, it's who I am. I am willing to communicate my feelings. I am not able to "fix" your mental status, that is on you.

Your job is to find it in yourself to want to do things that the last 3 decades told you were not women's work. You know - the huge double standard - how you were taught that it isn't your job to do anything that your dad expected your mom to do, yet you still expect me to open doors for you, fuck you like the world is ending, be strong, buy you nice things when I can, make money, jump in front of a bullet for you, provide security for you, take initiative and make you feel safe. Personally, I like to cook and clean, do my own laundry and wash dishes and I am not asking you to do ANYTHING for me. But if I need help in that area - you better put on an apron and cook some food, or make the bed, or offer to make sandwiches on rare occasions when my friends are over, or do some laundry or fold something, sweep - whatever because you WANT to do it. This is part of nurturing. I do hold value in a more traditional role of husband and wife. However, if I am working and you are not, the house better be clean and dinner better be ready when I get home.

Your job is to be in charge of our morality. If we are at a dinner party and I say something a little mean to someone and you notice it. It is your job to pull me aside and say, "that was wrong - you go and apologize because you hurt that persons feelings." I won't like it - but I will obey. You are doing your job and I respect it. I will somehow find a way to go apologize. Again, no one can "make" some moral. I'll tell you when I think you're wrong, you fix it. And if you are being an asshole all day every day, we won't last long. I can be as sweet as sugar, but if you are as sour as a lemon it won't work and people will feel sorry for me.

If you are interested in your job as I am interested in mine - then please write me. Maybe we can negotiate something. Until I hear from you, I will be here earning and saving money for our future security as well as the gifts and the underwear I will be buying you. I am open to discussing the terms if some of your job is not agreeable to you. Please state your height/weight/hair/age and send a photo of more than just your face. I won't be responding to him directly. I am not interested in doing these things because it is expected of me and my "job". I do it because I want to. I do it because I would love him that much. I also get the feeling that no woman would ever meet his high standards. It's impossible. Sure, we all have our perfect world scenarios, but in the end we have to find love based on who the person is inside. Not how they look, not how much money they make, and certainly not on what they think their "job" is.

No Thank You

2008-12-01T14:01:00.002-07:00

So even though I am not supposed to be trying to date yet per my therapist I have been scrolling craigslist anyway cause you never know when Mr. Right may show up (and good gawd this sentence is really long). I have seen a guy on there a couple times that seemed like he would be interesting to talk to and he made it a point to mention that he really just wanted to be friends first. Friends should be ok, so I went ahead and emailed him.

He responded that he wasn't too into emailing and gave me his number if I would like to call him. He would understand if I wasn't comfortable with that just yet and said it was also ok to email. i decided to just go ahead and call him. Boy, am I glad I did.

First of all, he started the conversation off by telling me all about his custody battle with his kid who is not really his kid. Then he tells me how his kid is a genius and he is a genius and no one is possibly smarter then they are. His kid's real dad could not possibly give him the intellectual stimulation he could possibly need cause he is just a knuckle-head ex-Marine. In the 30 minutes we spoke he never once asked me anything about me or my life. He proceeded to converse with his kid and remark at how smart he is.

Then he said he really needed to go play Legos (mind you it is about 10pm and little kids should be in bed) with his kid, but hey let's go do lunch tomorrow.

So out of the 10 words I said the last ones I uttered to him were, "No, thank you."

I am really proud of myself for this. In the past I have never turned down a date, even if I wasn't too into it to start with. I have always made excuses about the guy being nervous, giving him a chance, blah blah blah. There has also been a part of me that feels if a guy is willing to give me attention that I should jump at the chance. This is no longer the case. I am learning that I DESERVE MORE. I know in my heart that the right guy will come along at the right time and he will love me for me. He will love me whether I am fat or thin, young or old, smart or stupid, pretty or ugly, rich or poor. So in the meantime, there may be a lot of "no, thank yous" as I wait for Mr. Right to come along.

I did it!

2008-11-05T11:18:00.003-07:00

I am a homeowner! I closed on Friday, October 24th. My new home has been under construction since then. I moved in on Friday, October 31st with no working bathroom and a huge list of to-dos. The bathroom will be finished today and I will hopefully be able to unload my worldly possessions out of the trailer by Saturday. It is really hard to function when half your life is parked outside. I go to bed every night absolutely exhausted and wake up ready to do it again the next day. I say a little prayer of gratitude each day for all the people in my life that have been supporting me in this venture from near and far. I don't know what I would have done without them. More updates and photos to come soon.

Decisions, Decisions

2008-09-11T13:57:00.004-06:00

So I have been in the process of buying a house for the last 6 months. There have been ups and downs and a few freak-outs, but the day is getting really close. I never once thought in a million years that I would be buying a house on my own. I always thought that I would have to have a husband to do that. Don't get me wrong though, I have always been proud of the fact that I have been supporting myself (with the occasional help from Dad) for the last 9 years. I have always been able to pay my own bills and live without roommates for the most part.

I started out in a small 550 square foot apartment. It was tiny and ugly, but it was my very own. I initially moved into it because my boyfriend at the time (who was 14 years older than me) said that we couldn't get married until I had lived on my own. His rationalization was that he had experienced that part of life and wanted me to experience it as well so that I wouldn't later feel that I had missed out on something. That was one of the greatest gifts he ever gave me.

Ever since then it has been just me and my dog(s). We have lived in 5 different apartments and 2 houses in the last 9 years. Other than my bout of temporary insanity with Cabana boy and the aftermath of being in that house, I have done it on my own. Not very many of my friends can say that. If they lived on their own prior to being married they always had roommates to depend on.

Now comes the hard part. I have to make this huge decision on my own. This is not like something that I'm renting that I can move out of in 6 months or year if I don't like it. This is for at least the next 5 years. The sad part of it is that I have never lived in once place for 5 years straight in my entire life. This is HUGE! I am absolutely terrified. What if I don't like the neighbors? What if something huge goes wrong? What if it's really creepy there at night? What if? What if? What if?

So far I have found one house that I walked into and fell in love. Unfortunately, that house is a short sale (pre-foreclosure) and has multiple offers on it. I am about third in line for it. It could be months before I hear anything and even then I may not get it. So now I am searching for a house that I like (hopefully as much or more) that I would be able to get into within the next few months. The first house I looked at, I liked. It was recently remodeled and needed very little done before I could move in (mainly just a piece of fence along the alley). That house as well was a short sale. It has been on the market almost a year. The listing agent told us that the bank had declined offer after offer. A few weeks ago it was finally foreclosed on and went back to the bank. Well, today it came back on the market. At 20k less than the previous asking price. I put an offer on it. There is a very good chance that a week from now I will have an acceptance. I could be a home owner by mid-October. I am freaking out. I keep second guessing my decisions. I have called my parents, my friends, anyone I can think of to offer some reassurance that I am making the right decision. If only there was some pill I could take that would boost my self-confidence in this decision. So until someone invents that, I am just going to continue sitting here with my leg shaking, chewing my fingernails, and aimlessly trying to distract myself from over-thinking this monumental event. I would love a major distraction right now. Anyone got any ideas?

What Women Must Have

2008-09-10T15:11:00.002-06:00

A great set of guidelines to remember. I've highlighted what I've got. Now to work on what I haven't...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

one friend who always makes her laugh,

and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates,

wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder,

and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips,

or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

whom she can trust,

whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go,

be it to her best friend's kitchen table,

or a charming Inn in the woods

when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't accomplish

in a day,

a month,

and a year.

Lessons that need to be learned

2008-09-09T14:57:00.002-06:00

I've highlighted the ones I feel are most important. If only all my stalkers, I mean readers, would heed them as well...

Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

Dream more while you are awake.

Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

Forgive everyone for everything. <--- Definitely one to live by for a healthier, happier you.

Anxious

2008-09-03T11:44:00.002-06:00

I have been in the midst of an anxiety attack for the last two weeks. I constantly feel as if my skin is crawling, I can't stop moving, can't stop thinking, feel sick to my stomach, and just want to cry at everything. I have been seeing a therapist for the last few months and I think bringing up all this old baggage that I have been avoiding is manifesting itself physically. I talked to her about it last night and she has given me some tips for dealing with my anxiety. It's hard to do relaxation exercises when nothing feels safe anymore. I am looking for a new house, a new job, my dog has gone blind in the last week, and I just feel alone in it all.

It would be nice to have that one person that was willing to drop everything just to hold my hand in this. I have friends, but they all have their own lives and their own issues. I've had to cut some people out of my life lately because they need to much of me and I have nothing left to give. Literally nothing. I don't have the energy to be supportive. How sad is that? It is like I am not myself anymore. My therapist said that things might get worse before they get better. I hope that is where they are. I am forcing myself to leave the house, not only for work, but occasionally to socialize. Although, I don't really have much to say. I am avoiding as many phone calls as I can for the same reason. I just need everything to stop being in limbo. I need to know what is going to happen and when. The only way I can fall asleep at night is to stay up until my eyes won't open anymore and repeat to myself that everything is going to be ok.

So...
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.

Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

2008-08-18T16:58:00.003-06:00

In the past few months I have come to the realization that one of my best friends and I have grown apart. We aren't communicating effectively anymore. We'll talk and nothing is making sense to the other one. I find myself feeling left out of her life. We tried to talk about how we were each feeling, but I still left the conversation feeling as though things were over. I've been thinking about it and thinking about it and I just don't know what will fix it.

About a week went by since I called her and when I logged into myspace I had been deleted from her friends list. At first I was really angry and hurt by this. The phone works both ways after all. And then the more I thought about it, the more I was ok with it. I guess we both feel we need a break from each other.

I feel bad that it is happening now in a time of her life when she needs all of her friends support. I wish I could be there for her with my whole heart, but I don't have anything to give anyone right now. With her encouragement I began to go to therapy in an effort to really clean out my closet of all the old skeletons and baggage hanging around. And now that I am in the midst of that project I am emotionally drained. All I want to do is cry. I just don't have it in me to support someone else right now. And for that I am deeply sorry to her.

In my perfect world, we will be friends again someday. We'll run into each other somewhere, one of us will randomly pick up the phone, or send an email and it will be a happy reunion. I don't know how to express this thought to her, as I can only assume that she is angry with me and won't want to hear it. I can only hope that with time her anger will pass and she will remember the good times that we shared. She has been a wonderful friend to me and I would hope that she will eventually think of me in the same way.

I'll miss our spontaneous road trips, long phone conversations about nothing at all, comparing our opinions on the latest reality tv nightmare, meeting for dinner, planning our next tattoos, and of course all the shopping trips. Every time I look at the tattoo we share I will think of her with a smile. I miss her already.

Just grumpy

2008-07-31T13:55:00.002-06:00

Have you ever been in a sour mood where everything and everyone just gets on your nerves?

I am having one of those moments. It seems like lately everyone wants something from me and I just want to be left alone to stew. I just got done arguing with one of my bosses over the dumbest, smallest thing. I guess I kept arguing because I wasn't feeling listened to. That seems to be the current trend. The only person that really hears me anymore is my therapist and that's just cause I'm paying her. Everyone else wants to hear part of my story and then turn it into something about them. At that point my spoiled inner child throws a tantrum cause it should be about ME ME ME!!! *sigh* Especially now, cause my birthday is coming up and I really would like to feel special for one day a year. Every other day I work at making everyone I know feel special so I deserve one day, right?

Even my parents are up my butt about stuff. I am trying to buy a house and my mother calls today to talk about a mortgage calculator she found online and how I should start practicing to pay my mortgage. My reply, "Ummm. I do that now. It's called paying rent."
"Yes, but your mortgage is going to be at least $1200."
"Where did you get that from? For the price range I am looking in my mortgage should be no more than $1000."
"Well, you have to include insurance and taxes. Let me see what this calculator says... It says for $160,000 house your mortgage will be $925 per month."
"Yes, and I'm paying $900 now so what's your point?"
"Well, then you have to add taxes and insurance and it will be closer to $1200."
"Ummm, yeah, I don't think so. I already called my insurance agent and my insurance will be cheaper then what I already pay now. I don;t include insurance in my "monthly payment" amount cause it is an expense I already have now. Taxes are $864 per year on the house I like which is $72 per month. Which comes to $1000. So like I said..."
"Well, I still think you should start practicing paying your mortgage."

*SIGH*

You're Not The Only One

2008-06-13T10:26:00.002-06:00

In the last three years there have been times I wrote daily and there have been times where there were months between posts. This blog started as journal of my experiences in the world of internet dating. It was a place I could express my feelings of being a curvy girl and trying to find the right man. I have shared my innermost feelings and thoughts here. I have also shared my most embarrassing moments as well. It was one of those awful moments that led me to write my most "famous" post to date. This post was featured in the Carnival of Sin and to this day still generates the majority of the traffic to my little corner of the cyber-world. Who knew that my tale of internet dating gone horribly wrong would be so interesting to so many.

When I heard that a book was being put together by a few other bloggers called "You're Not The Only One" in the spirit of being able to relate to someones experiences through the internet, I thought I would submit my tale and see what happened. Well, my submission was chosen!!! I am officially in print!!

All proceeds from the book go to a great charity, Warchild. So please consider purchasing the book, donating to a great cause, and maybe finding someone else that knows exactly how you feel. All you have to do is click the Lulu link on my sidebar. To read more about how this book came to be and see the distinguished list of contributing bloggers, click on the book icon for more details.

I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone that has ever read my blog, commented, and empathized with my journey. I promise to keep writing as long as you keep reading. It really does make me feel as if I am not the only one out here.

41 Random Sentences

2008-05-19T13:22:00.002-06:00

) My uncle once: picked my half-brother up by his throat, slammed him into a chair, and sat on him with his knee in his chest to stop him from trying to stab my cousin with a dull kitchen knife. (How's that for an opening statement?)

2) Never in my life: have I felt completely secure in every way.

3) When I was five: I had no idea that life as I knew it would change completely by the time I was 6.

4) High school was: a waste of time.

5) I will never forget: what it felt like to be understood.

6) I once met: a real like Texas Ranger and he was nothing like Chuck Norris.

7) There's this girl I know who: married a kind, loving, thoughtful, perfect man and had her 3 kids taken from her because she is white and that man is black.

8) Once at a bar: my drinking buddy told a homeless man she was having a party in her pants and he was invited. He followed her around for the rest of the night.

9) By noon I'm usually: eating lunch.

10) Last night: I watched the Desperate Housewives finale and hoped that one day I would find a group of female friends that supportive.

11) If only I had: a pillow and a blanket so I could take an afternoon nap.

12) Next time I go to church: the building will get struck by lightening.

13) Terry Schiavo: needed her wishes to be in writing, something that is on my to-do-soon list.

14) I have a confession to make: I think about some of my ex-boyfriends more then I care to admit.

15) When I turn my head left: I see all the work on my desk I should be doing.

16) When I turn my head right: I see my Ipod, phone, and printer.

17) You know when I'm lying when: my face turns red (unless I am just embarassed).

18) Everyday I think about: sex.

19) If I were a character written by Shakespear I'd be: Juliet, tragically in love.

20) By this time next year: I will own my own house and finally have a GREAT boyfriend.

21) A better name for me would be: Violet.

22) I have a hard time understanding: quantum physics.

23) If I ever go back to school I'll: hopefully be more inspired to do well.

24) You know I like you when: I ask you to go somewhere with me.

25) If I won an award the first person I'd thank is: me! I won the damn thing after all. Shiiiiiit.

26) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Monkey, Music, Cowboy, and just wrong.

27) Take my advice, never: let your mouth overload your ass.

28) My ideal breakfast is: chocolate cake. In bed. With a sexy man. Eating it off me.

29) A song I love, but do not have is: That doesn't happen.

30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: Pete's Kitchen.

31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: My favorite flower, can be endearing or intolerable, I know nothing about, run fast.

32) Why won't anyone: use common courtesy anymore?

33) If you spend the night at my house: you could be woken up by yappy dogs in your bed.

34) I'd stop my wedding for: nuclear holocaust.

35) The world could do without: close-minded people.

36) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat shit ala 2 girls 1 cup.

37) My favorite blonde is: Marilyn Monroe.

38) Paper clips are more useful than: yo mama.

39) If I do anything well: it's love with my whole heart.

40) And by the way: do you have any awesome single guy friends you could set me up with?

41) The last time I was drunk: I fucked up bad, made really stupid decisions, and pushed away a really great guy for good.

So you think you're ready for the "one"?

2008-05-13T10:14:00.002-06:00

Being a single girl I like to cruise a variety of matchmaking sites to see what is out there in the world beyond my front door. I've never had much luck in this area however. I have great emails, better phone calls, and after we finally meet in person I never hear from the loser again. I am the kind of girl that guys respond to after knowing for awhile. I picture it something like this: first glance "She's cute. Great personality." and then after hanging out as friends for awhile "Wow. I really like being around her. She's got such a great smile. I wonder what it would be like to kiss her." and then after the kiss and more I make them turn psycho (but that is a post for another day).

So in reading all these personal ads one thing really gets under my skin. I read this huge diatribe about how this guy wants a girl who will treat him right, not play games, must have a brain, not looking for a sugar daddy, etc. etc. And then comes his physical requirements: she must be a size 2, good teeth, perfect hair, no flaws, athletic, etc. etc.

And what do you think he looks like? Well, he is not Brad Pitt or Mark Wahlberg by any means. He's got a beer belly, yellow teeth and a shitty job.

So here's my issue: if you really want a woman that will has all the unsuperficial qualities does it really matter if her hair isn't the right color or if she is chubby? Not all women stay a size 2 forever. Some get pregnant, gain 50 lbs. and never lost the weight. Some women age horrifically and drain your bank account in attempts to regain their youth and really just end up being made of plastic.

I can be guilty of making judgements based solely on looks myself. I have also dated men that are not the "hottest" guy in the room by any means. I found what I liked in them though, whether it was the way they looked at me or how they always seemed to take my best interest to heart. I just think it is narrow-minded to have a physical ideal of what your perfect person looks like. It is better to know who you want and need them to be. For me I want an old-fashioned gentlemen that respects women, children, and animals and believes in holding a door open and escorting a little old lady across the street. I have a friend that at first glance I thought "never in a million years" he is nothing that I would normally be attracted to, and yet, as we got to know each other the more I became attracted to him. Now I think we would be great together if only that pesky girlfriend would go away. I've also had guys that I have drooled over at first glance and said to myself, "He would never go for me. I am not pretty/skinny/punk rock/whatever enough for him." And in a few short months of being friends we are making out and dating. It just goes to show that you never know who you will be attracted to or why. So to me we should be putting less emphasis on how a person looks and more emphasis on who they are. Looks can change. Personality can not.

These are a few of my not-so-favorite things

2008-04-28T12:51:00.002-06:00

Tired of all those surveys where you list favorite this, favorite that..? Well now you get to list off everything you hate, and vent about everything that annoys you or makes you mad. Just let it all out and say as much as you want!

MOST HATED...

FRUIT: Cantaloupe and Honeydew melon.

CANDY: Anything with nuts. Nuts are no bueno.

BEVERAGE: Diet anything cause artificial sweetener tastes like ass.

COLOR: Brown. Looks like poop. Nuff said.

TOWN/CITY: Boulder, CO. Damn hippies.

TV SHOW: I refuse to watch WWE.

MOVIE: Donnie Darko. I dislike movies that are so out there they are impossible to understand. If I wanted to think I would read a book!

ASPECT OF MYSPACE: Teenage drama.

ASPECT OF INSTANT MESSENGER: Forgetting who the hell that person is and why they are on my list.

ANIMAL: Rodents, reptiles (except turtles or fish).

INSECT: All of the above.

BIRD: I like birds from afar. I do not like birds flying near me and I do not want to touch one or have it touch me.

SEASON: Winter.

AGE OF KIDS: Teenagers.

WHAT ANNOYS YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING WHEN...

DRIVING: Going too slow in the left lane or feeling the need to come to a complete stop to turn right on a green light.

TALKING ON THE PHONE: If you are in the bathroom at least have the courtesy to mute, mmkay.

WATCHING TV OR MOVIES: If I have seen it before and they haven't and they ask a million questions instead of just watching the fucking thing!

EATING IN RESTAURANTS: People doing anything related to bodily functions (farting, nose blowing, hacking a lung, etc.)

GOING THROUGH DRIVE-THRUS: Putting 8000 packets of sauce in my bag after I told you I didn't want any sauce.

YOU'RE AT THE MALL: Slow ass people that wander back and forth so you can't pass them. Ditto for the groups of 50 that are trying to walk side-by-side at a goddam snail's pace.

SHOWERING: Running out of hot water before I am done shaving my legs or rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.

WHAT HOUSEHOLD CHORE DO YOU HATE THE MOST? Cleaning the bathroom, especially if anyone other then me has used it.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE WORST WAY TO DIE? Alone and in pain.

WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING HABIT IN OTHERS? Playing stupid cause they think it's sexy or will get them out of having to do their job correctly.

WHAT IS YOUR WORST HABIT? I tend to judge books on covers.

WHAT FASHION TREND (PAST OR PRESENT) HAVE YOU HATED THE MOST? Metrosexual men. Good hygiene is good, plucked eyebrows and make-up on my boyfriend is not.

WHAT POPULAR SONG (PAST OR PRESENT) HAVE YOU HATED THE MOST? Pretty much anything hairbands.

TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GIRLS? They are catty, cliquey bitches that would not think twice to stab a sister in the back when it comes to a man.

TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GUYS?: They are lying, cheating dogs that would not think twice about cheating on a good woman whenever an available pussy offers itself up to him.

WHAT'S ANNOYING YOU TODAY?: My teeth hurt.

Book 3 - Holy Cow

2008-04-09T16:04:00.003-06:00

Holy cow: An Indian Adventure
-Sarah Macdonald

My co-worker lent me this book to read after we had a conversation about the wonders of India. She travels there once a year on medical missions and I picked her brain about the country and culture. She said this book best describes everything India has to offer from the filth and poverty to the spiritual and beautiful.

This book is about the experiences of an Australian radio personality living in India for two years while her journalist husband was assigned there. Sarah had traveled to India in her early 20's and vowed never to return. She found the endless sea of beggars and pollution to be overwhelming. At the airport she encounters a beggar fortune teller who reads her palm and tells her that she will one day return to India, and return she does.

Since she is not working and her husband is frequently out of the country on assignment, Sarah takes this opportunity to explore everything India has to offer. She spends time learning about religion from the Hindus, Buddhists, Jews, Sikh, Parsi, Sufis, Yogis, and even Christians. It is this aspect of her journey that I envy the most. She is able to take a piece from each religion and carry it with her. I identify with that tremendously.

It is not all serious reflection however. Sarah also tells of her love affair with all that is Bollywood and what the singles scene looks like in New Dehli. Her adventures trying to acclimate to the Indian culture are endearing and will have you laughing.

To sum it up: I enjoyed this book immensely and recommend it to anyone with an interest in India and Indian culture. I give this book 9 out of 10.

I miss my English Villain

2008-03-19T15:18:00.002-06:00

A typical email exchange with the English Villain...

Me: Purple

EV: Throbbing

Me: Quivering

EV: Ribbed

Me: Pleasure

EV: Arousal

Me: Hard

EV: Erect

Me: Penetrating

EV: Hole

Me: Filled

EV: Juicy

Me: Wet

EV: Succulent

Me: Taste

EV: Delicious

Me: Satisfaction

I miss my favorite Brit. Come out and play again won't you?

You're Not The Only One

2008-02-28T09:26:00.002-07:00

So I stumbled across a new blog that you may have noticed has been added to the blogroll called He Loves Me Not. Sarah is a 20-something single woman on a quest for love. I relate to a lot of what she says being a 20-something single woman myself. It's like we are on the same up and down rollercoaster of love. So when Sarah posted about a book she is supporting I was all eyes. I have put in a submission for the book and hope that if you have something to say that you will as well. This is a wonderful way to feel a part of something bigger. Check it out:

http://peacharse.blogspot.com/2008/02/youre-not-only-one_10.html

Gone too soon

2008-02-15T15:31:00.004-07:00

I heard the news today that a friend's son had passed away. I could not have been more shocked at the news. This young man bravely served our country twice in Iraq and came home in one piece. Unfortunately, the scars he carried were not visible. The atrocities he witnessed in the Middle East were etched permenently to his soul. Once a care free and loving man became a dark and depressed shell. Only a fellow soldier could ever understand what our men and women go through to defend us. It costs them and their families dearly in a hundred different ways. They deserve to be honored for all they have VOLUNTEERED to do. They deserve the same compassion and understanding that we would extend to a victim of 9/11, crime, or war. We should take the time to say thank you everyday to those that are away from their homes to protect ours. There should be no soldier that does not get a letter from home or a thank you for their service. Whether or not you agree with the reasons they are there is irrelevant. They are there. They are there for you and me. They are being wounded and killed and they need our support. Please take the time to write a letter, send an email, or just extend a hand of thanks.

And to my friend: I hope you have found the peace you so desperately needed. I am sorry that you will no longer be with us in body. I know you will always be with us in spirit.

Bah Lovebug

2008-02-14T10:18:00.003-07:00

Valentine's Day sucks tremendously when you are single in a world of couples. It's everywhere! Hearts, stuffed animals, chocolate, flowers BAH LOVEBUG! I am not celebrating this year. Please do not ask me to be your Valentine. I'm too cranky to be a Valentine.

And to make things more pathetic I googled an ex last night only to find his band's music videos on youtube. And of course it has to be the song that's always made me cry so I cry even harder knowing that he has moved on and will have a special Valentine this year and I'll be sitting at home alone. Again.

For all you couples out there, happy and in love, I am happy for you. I truly am. I just want what you have. When will it be my turn?

Book 2

2008-02-11T13:49:00.000-07:00

Walking In Circles Before Lying Down
by Merrill Markoe

I thought this was a cute, quick read. I finished it in two evenings (although it probaly could have been a Satuday afternoon read as well). I cried twice, which is something that books really don't do for me. I think it was due to the subject matter of a beloved dog though.

The story is about Dawn who is more then unlucky in love. Don't I know that feeling. After a string of bad husbands and bad boyfriends, Dawn finds a stray dog tied up in front of a store and left behind. She adopts this dog whose only identifier is the name on a tag, Swentzle. (Horrible name for a dog BTW, don't do it.) Swentzle gives her comfort and starts her on a path that includes house sitting for the quasi-famous and working at a vet's doggy daycare. After Swentzle leaves her life, she adopts a cute pitbull puppy named Chuck. It's during this time she is dating a loser that thinks dogs should sleep in the hallway. If a man ever came into my house demanding that my dogs sleep anywhere other then the bed where they have been sleeping their entire lives he would need to hit the road. My dogs were here before him and will be here after he's gone, yet I digress. After being dumped by said loser, Chuck (and all dogs) begin communicating with Dawn. (I wish this would happen to me!) Dawn's conversations with Chuck are hilarious. Chuck takes it upon himself to be the alpha and find Dawn a new man. Chuck also thinks that all problems can be solved by throwing the ball for him. Chuck and company's antics make for some funny moments. This was a fun book. I give it 8 out of 10.

So now everytime I'm feeling down and my pup puts her ball in my lap to play, I'll know she just wants me to smile. :)

Book #1

2008-02-04T13:56:00.001-07:00

So, I was cruising random blog sites and found one where the guy was trying to read 50 books in one year. So I decided I would make the same attempt. Beginning January 15th, I started my first book. After each book, I will sum up here in an effort to keep track (and maybe give you some inspiration to read as well). So here goes...

Book #1

"The Collectors" - David Baldacci

This is the second book in the Camel Club series. I hadn't read the first one (not realizing this was a series), but will now be picking up the first and third books for sure. I have always been a Baldacci fan as I am really into crime fiction. This book didn't disappoint at all. With some new political twists and the whole underworld of former CIA assasains this book kept you guessing. The one interesting twist was the addition of a seasoned con artist. This added an element I have not seen in a book of this type before. It was a quick read, although there were many nights I did not pick it up cause I was just too tired. The basic story it about the murder of a librarian at the Library of Congress Rare Books division. The murder is investigated by members of the "Camel Club" one of which worked with the victim. Another of whom is a former CIA assasain himself, who is in hiding as a cemetary caretaker (completely appropriate as he is supposed to be dead himself.) We come to learn that this murder is also tied to the murder of the Speaker of the House. With an interesting story and plenty of twists and turns, I give this book an 8 out of 10.

Vanity Fair

2008-01-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

What is your current state of mind?
A lil bit sleepy, a lil bit anxious, a lil bit excited.

What is your greatest extravagance?
My corset.

What is your greatest fear?
Heights. I've had a panic attack on the second floor of the mall before.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Lying.

What do you consider the most over rated virtue?
Virginity. Religion.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd be better with money.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Strong arms.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Soft curves.

What words or phrases do you most over use?
Fuck. Shut the fuck up.

What talent would you most like to have?
I'd love to sing better.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Right now, my dogs. I haven't met Mr. Right yet.

Where would you like to live?
In an old Victorian house close to the beach.

What is your favorite occupation?
Naughty Secretary.

What is your most treasured possession?
My dogs.

Who is your favorite writer?
Maya Angelou

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Odd Thomas.

Who are your heroes in real life?
My grandma.

What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty. Honesty.

What is your most marked characteristic?
Kindness.

How would you like to die?
Peacefully.

What is your motto?
If I'm not always happy, that doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. It means I'm doing something real.

What Tiger Beat asked the Monkees

2008-01-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

How would your mother describe you in one word?
Complex (I actually asked her and it took her 5 minutes to decide. What does that mean?)

What is your favorite flower?
Tulips

What is the most insane question you have ever been asked?
This one

What word in the English language do you wish you invented?
Fuck (It's everyone's favorite curse word)

Where would you like to live?
In an old Victorian style house or a Spanish hacienda near a beach

What is the first quote that comes to your mind?
"I used to be Snow White...but I drifted." - Mae West

What animal best describes the kind of guy you would be interested in?
Lion

What do you miss about your childhood?
Innocence

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Violet

What is the main fault in your character?
I like broken boys

Who is your favorite historical figure?
WWII wives. They supported their men from afar, kept the home fires burning, and worked their asses off in factories to keep this country running. They really were the greatest generation.

Describe how you kiss in one word.
Soft

If you met the right guy today and he proposed tomorrow, what would you say?
Yes. Why wait? My grandparents knew each other 13 days before the got married and they were married over 50 years.

What in the world do you least desire?
Richard Simmons

Why do you think most guys date you?
I have great T&A and a willingness to please.

Finish this sentence “Happiness is a thing called…”
Horsepower.

I am such a good daughter

2007-11-06T15:53:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year I found the perfect birthday card for my dad. He has been a truck driver for over 40 years and I found a card that plays the song, "Convoy". It is the cutest thing ever. So over the months I have been having all his friends sign it. My brother was in town for a weekend and even he signed it. I am down to having the last few people sign it. This card is FULL. My dad left here over 20 years ago and moved out of state. He still has a lot of friends here that he keeps in contact with. I can guarantee that when this card arrives at his house on his birthday, there will be tears. My dad deserves it though.

Yes, this is my job.

2007-11-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am cutting out paper turkeys to hid around my department for a Thanksgiving scavenger hunt. Each turkey (or decoy) has a silly saying on the back. Here is what I came up with (and may I say it is damn hard to find things that rhyme with turkey):

Took a wrong turn at Albuquerque,
Found yourself smack dab in Turkey!

The waters were murky,
Waded through and found a turkey!

You may be odd, a bit quirky,
But you still found yourself a turkey!

Crack a smile and get perky,
You found yourself a turkey!

You're no jerky,
You found a big fat turkey!

You need better luck,
Cause all you found was this duck!

Take a lick and keep on tickin',
All you found was this chicken!

An example of ignorance

2007-11-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

This story makes me so very angry. This is ignorance in its purest form. Where is the Christian sense of compassion for the families of these men and women? What happened to "only God can judge me"? This is why I have a huge problem with organized religion. People don't take the time to learn about their own faith and just follow someone and take on their beliefs. Find your own beliefs and make your own decisions based on education, not on what someone else tells you. I hope these people get their own special place in hell.

BALTIMORE, Maryland (AP) -- A grieving father won a nearly $11 million verdict Wednesday against a fundamentalist Kansas church that pickets military funerals in the belief that the war in Iraq is a punishment for the nation's tolerance of homosexuality.

A member of Westboro Baptist Church protests outside a veteran's hospital in Maywood, Illinois, in April 2006.

Albert Snyder of York, Pennsylvania, sued the Westboro Baptist Church for unspecified damages after members demonstrated at the March 2006 funeral of his son, Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder, who was killed in Iraq.
The jury first awarded $2.9 million in compensatory damages. It returned later in the afternoon with its decision to award $6 million in punitive damages for invasion of privacy and $2 million for causing emotional distress.
U.S. District Judge Richard Bennett noted the size of the award for compensating damages "far exceeds the net worth of the defendants," according to financial statements filed with the court.
Church members routinely picket funerals of military personnel killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, carrying signs such as "Thank God for dead soldiers" and "God hates fags."
A number of states have passed laws regarding funeral protests, and Congress has passed a law prohibiting such protests at federal cemeteries.
But the Maryland lawsuit is believed to be the first filed by the family of a fallen serviceman.
The church and three of its leaders -- the Rev. Fred Phelps and his two daughters, Shirley Phelps-Roper and Rebecca Phelps-Davis, 46 -- were found liable for invasion of privacy and intent to inflict emotional distress.
Snyder claimed the protests intruded upon what should have been a private ceremony and sullied his memory of the event.
The church members testified they are following their religious beliefs by spreading the message that the deaths of soldiers are due to the nation's tolerance of homosexuality.
Their attorneys argued in closing statements Tuesday that the burial was a public event and that even abhorrent points of view are protected by the First Amendment, which guarantees freedom of speech and religion.
The judge said the church's financial statements, sealed earlier, could be released to the plaintiffs.
Earlier, church members staged a demonstration outside the federal courthouse.
Church founder Fred Phelps held a sign reading "God is your enemy," while Shirley Phelps-Roper stood on an American flag and carried a sign that read "God hates fag enablers."
Members of the group sang "God Hates America" to the tune of "God Bless America."
Snyder sobbed when he heard the verdict, while members of the church greeted the news with tightlipped smiles. E-mail to a friend

The Faux World

2007-11-03T21:17:00.000-06:00

Remember when the very first Real World came out on MTV? It really was seven strangers picked to live in a house and we got to watch the fallout. They all had their own goals and aspirations and were pursuing their own separate identities. That is what made it such a compelling show. The first three seasons of the Real World were so groundbreaking. We saw people from all different walks of life come to together and try to get along. Unless your name was Puck and you liked to piss people off by sticking your booger encrusted hand into their jar of peanut butter. People fought because they knew who they were and what they believed in. There were dancers, actors, writers, artists, med students, political activists, Christians, and comics. They made us laugh and they made us cry. They changed the way that people of my generation thought and gave us a face for AIDS.

Now the show seems to be the same cookie cutter script from year to year. The only thing that changes is the venue. Gone are the days of 20-somethings making their way in the world. Here are the days of drunken frat boys and slutty sorority girls working at a job no one gives a shit about and getting drunk every night in the "hottest" club in town. These are the people that I avoid like the plague in my own town (and sadly enough they very recently completed a season in my town). Now they are glorified on television for every preteen to want to be. How sad is that? MTV went from being the voice of my generation, to the embarrassment of the next. Pathetic.

Phobias

2007-11-02T13:57:00.000-06:00

I have found that as I get older the more fear I have for things. I can remember being a kid and being scared of the normal monsters in the closet/under the bed or not wanting to be in the dark. I also had this weird obsessive fear of being kidnapped. I was PETRIFIED of "kidnapper vans". You know, those work vans with no windows. I ahve no idea where that came from, but everytime I saw one of those vans I would freak out.

Now as I get older I am scared of the stupidest shit. For example, I recently got a bicycle. I haven't been on a bike since I was 15 or 16, so it's been a few years. I got on it and started to ride down the street and proceeded to panic. I was going to fast, I would fall over when I tried to turn, I would go ass up if I hit the brakes too hard, get me the hell off this death contraption. Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me?

A couple weeks ago I was at my aunt's house with my dogs. She said there had been a rabbit hanging out in her yard and we wondered if the dogs would come across it. Sure enough, a few minutes later we see my chihuahua chasing this tiny bunny. They went one way, they went another way and were off around the house. The next thing I know the bunny turns around and comes running towards me. I actually screamed. My aunt laughed at me, because seriously who is afraid of a bunny. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I get all freaked out at the mall now, too. Why do malls always have to have glass railings on the second floor. I am getting woozy just thinking about it. I walk plastered to the wall and try not to look. Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I have turned into the world's biggest wuss. I need hypnosis or something. Does anyone sell courage in a bottle? Just call me the Cowardly Lion.

Life really is a circle

2007-11-01T11:34:00.000-06:00

Last year around this time I was surfing blog links and came across a blog with a story about a woman who was very sick without a cause. Being in the medical field, I clicked on the link and have been lurking there ever since. As I read about this woman, her husband, her children, her life, it seemed so normal. It was the same things we all write about: hanging out with friends, life's annoyances, goofy family stuff and everything in between. Then came this random sickness that started innocent enough and turned into the cause of her death. As I read her husband's words during this time my heart broke. I felt his pain of being helpless and his fear of the future. I felt the pain of the loss of a great love. The pain of the loss of normalcy as life would never be the same again. I literally sat at my desk and wept for this stranger and his children. I told my close family and friends their story and how we should all be a little more thankful in this season of thanksgiving for those we love. I hugged my own mother a little tighter.

Today, I read about his new life. His new love. He is starting to be able to let go of the pain and embrace the joy again. That too, made me cry. It also made me realize that we all deserve that. To be able to have joy everyday, regardless of what we have suffered in the past. So in honor of this family that I have never met, I am going to try and do just that. If this man and his children can find joy after such a great loss, we should all be able to move on from the pettiness of the past. So begins a new journey...

5 thingie-ma-bobs

2007-08-16T11:17:00.000-06:00

Bitter Betty stole this from someone and then I stole it from her. Woohoo for the five-fingered discount!!

5 THINGS ABOUT LIL OLE ME

Five favorite days of the year

1. My birthday - Even though as I get older it gets less exciting, it's still MY DAY DAMMIT.
2. Christmas - Just another chance for all those that love me to give me presents. It's really my gift to the world to receive gifts gracefully.
3. All Hallow's Eve - One of these days I am going to throw the coolest costume party EVER.
4. Easter - Coloring eggs is just too much fun.
5. Vacation days - Just cause I'm not at work when I'm supposed to be.

Five things I watched this week
1. Big Brother - Evil Dick banging on a pot lid with a spoon was the funniest thing I have seen on TV in a long time. PRINCESS!
2. Big Love - Polygamy is really interesting, but so not for me.
3. Rock of Love - Brett Michals is kinda hot in a disgusting, dirty rockstar way.
4. Rescue Me - One of the best shows on TV. Dennis Leary is amazingly wrong.
5. Taboo - People do some really crazy shit to their bodies. Damn.

Five things you don't want to do but should
1. Get my fat ass off the couch and moving. I realized yesterday I have zero cardiovascular capacity.
2. Clean my house and mow the grass. Both necessary evils that I curse every time I do them.
3. My actual job, instead of screwing around on my blog.
4. Eat better. Damn chocolate and it's evil pull on me.
5. Really, truly make a budget and stick to it. Not just half-ass it.

Five things you want to learn
1. A foreign language
2. How to do amazing hair and make-up
3. How to sew
4. How to weld
5. Take apart a carburetor

Five animals you've had as or have pets who impacted you
1. Precious Diva Angel - Yorkshire Terrier - I've never known a dog with so much personality
2. My goats - Heidi and Nicki. Did you know a goat will do anything for a Frito?
3. Sunny - The best horse in the world.
4. Turtles - Not very cuddly. It was then I realized I'm not too big on reptiles.
5. Lucy Goo - my weechawa. She shows me the true meaning of unconditional love everyday.

Five favorite pieces of clothing
1. My black and white polka dot dress.
2. My jean Capri's.
3. My new black bra that makes my boobies look so damn good.
4. My handbag and shoe collection.
5. My pajamas.

Five things you enjoy in the summer
1. Sun tea
2. Sitting on porch
3. Watching my dogs play in backyard
4. BBQ's
5. Riding in the car with the sunroof open at night

Five foods you won't eat
1. Mushrooms - They are fungus that grows from poop. Nuff said.
2. Fish. I cannot get past the smell. I will eat crab legs though, go figure.
3. Tofu. I am a meatatarian.
4. Snails, bugs, fish eggs, etc. We are an evolved society, we no longer need to eat that kinda stuff.
5. Anything I can't identify or pronounce cause that's just stupid.

Five things that are not where they belong
1. My dirty dishes. They should be in the dishwasher instead of the sink, but I've been sick dammit.
2. The gift certificates I got last year cause I have no CLUE where they are.
3. My brain. I damn sure can't get it to work today.
4. My dad. He was supposed to be here for vacation 2 weeks ago and still hasn't left yet.
5. My bank account. I gotta go with Betty on this one and say it needs a lot more zeros.

You are given $50,000 to give to 5 people as $10,000 cash gifts, who and why
1. T.V. so she can invest in her new business as a pro photographer and take many more beautiful pictures.
2. A.H. so she can get herself out of debt once and for all and buy that Mickey pendant she was drooling over the other night.
3. My pops so he can get his retirement business going and make some money.
4. My mama cause she needs to take a luxury vacation.
5. And me. Cause I have debt to pay. And once that is gone I can save up for 58 Chevy dammit. And I am a damn worthy cause.

I got it bad

2007-07-17T16:54:00.000-06:00

Did you ever just want something?

I want a lot of different things at different times. Most of the time the desire passes and I move on to something or someone new. Not the case now though. I have had a crush on someone for the last two years. I go through phases of wanting him BAD. We flirt, speak in innuendo, and dance around the elephant in the room. Neither one of us has ever really crossed the invisible line and said, "Hey. I like you. Let's be more then friends."

I came really close to saying those words though. I was a bit tipsy one night and it almost came out. I didn't though. I am so afraid of losing the friendship I have with him. He makes me smile when I'm sad and is ready to kick any one's ass that hurts me. He has been a great friend to me and put up with my crap. I don't want that to go away. At the same time though, I think he would make a great boyfriend (sometimes). When we first met, he was in a relationship and I never thought of him 'like that". Then a few months later he was single and a man-ho. He was really playing the field. This is when we really started spending time together. I would go to his work and just hang out. He was my "date" for anything that required it. Then I started messing around with someone and he got a girlfriend. We started to drift apart until the shit hit the fan. Next thing I know I am crying on his shoulder and he is venting to me about the psycho he just had to have arrested.

So there we were. Back to the flirting and not saying anything. Then, just when I think I might say something he says he has a new girlfriend. Things changed between us for awhile. We talked less. Anything we said was just polite conversation between friends.

In recent weeks though, things have gone back to the way they were. He's flirting again. The innuendo is in full force. He talked to a mutual friend about me. He said my emails "brighten his day". She said it felt like she was talking to my boyfriend. That's how well he knows me though. He's more then a casual acquaintance. I know I can call him at 2am and he would be there for me. It's weird because he still has a girlfriend. I like her, and would never want to come between anyone in a relationship. Whenever I try to bring her up though I get a one word answer and the subject gets changed. He will not talk about her. Good or bad. To me, that's not the sign of a happy home.

Maybe if he is ever single again I will think about telling him how I feel. Until then, I just have to keep thinking of him as only my friend. Even when he makes it hard on me.

So in answer to his question today, I am feeling more then naughty. You've got me feeling downright F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D.

Just one

2007-07-10T12:45:00.000-06:00

So I am driving along yesterday and passed a shoe on the side of the road. Just one. A lonely little tennis shoe in dirty gray. It really got me thinking about what circumstances would lead to only one shoe being left in the gutter. If you put a pair of shoes on the roof of your car, for instance, it would seem that they would both fall off at around the same place. I've seen lots of random baby shoes in parking lots and such. Babies are always losing just one shoe or sock, but this was an adult's sized shoe. Did something sinister happen, like the person was abducted by aliens so fiercely that all that remained was a shoe? Was it from someone that was hit by a car and the force of the impact blew off the shoe? Maybe it was someone just walking down the road and that shoe was hurting their foot, so they took it off and left it in frustration. Maybe it was tied to the bumper of a newlywed's car and came off.

Just something to think about the next time you are driving along and encounter the lone shoe.

Excuse YOU

2007-03-13T15:05:00.000-06:00

People are getting ruder and ruder. What happened to the good ole days when men held doors open for ladies? When people said excuse me when they almost bumped into you? When smiles were returned as you passed a stranger on the street?

Yesterday my day was full of rude people. It all started at work. I went through a door and saw a man with a dolly full of bins. I help the door open for him and he walked through. He said NOTHING. Not even a smile or nod of appreciation. So, pissed off, I loudly said, "You're WELCOME" as I let the door shut behind me.

Later on that afternoon I passed a co-worker in the hall. I smiled and said hello and received a glare in return. This woman has never spoken more then two words to me in the year I have worked here. She looks at me as if I am gum on the bottom of her shoe.

Then I go to the grocery store. This is always a lesson in impoliteness. A few years ago after a long day on my feet in heels I waited for a close parking spot. Apparently this angered a man so much so that as he passed by me walking into the store he called me a lazy fat bitch. I was so stunned and upset I turned around and went home in tears. This time around I was knocked into, cut in front of, and had to wait to get into my car while some woman analyzed the trash on the floor of her backseat.

My grandmother had a large part in shaping who I am. She came from a wealthy European family that was very formal in decorum. I carry a lot of those values with me today. I always say please and thank you, yes ma'am and no sir, and respect my elders. This conflicts with the disrespect I get back from most people on a daily basis. A part of me wants to shout out, "Hey jackass, get some fucking manners!"

Although, because I was raised to be a lady I have a hard time confronting strangers about their rude behavior. It takes a huge rude gesture for me to say something. It saddens me to see my generation and those younger to have so little self-respect. Courtesy says to everyone that you respect yourself enough to be gracious and expect the same in return. I admit that I have my foul-mouthed mean spirited moments. However, it takes a lot for me to get so venomous. For the most part, I bite my tongue so I don't hurt feelings.

The only solution I can present is to keep being courteous. If everyone completed one act of courtesy a day the world could be a little bit better. So next time you are out shopping, give up that close space, hold the door open for the next person coming in, smile as you pass a stranger. It'll make your day better to do so.

Season of Change

2007-03-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

I have officially hung up my skates.

I'm sad, but I am really looking foward to making some positive changes in my life. I need to "grow up" and get my shit together. If I am ever going to be ready for Mr. Right then I need to be Miss Right instead of Miss For Now.

So this means I need to pay my bills on time, get rid of my debt, go back to school and get a degree, and take care of me instead of everyone else. I have been thinking about leaving derby for a long time, but I love it and really feel it is something I am good at. When it comes down to my personal goals and my derby goals I need to do what is going to be best for me in the long run. I hope the girls will still call on me occasionally to help out and I plan on going to all the games and cheering them on. I don't want derby to disappear completely. I just need to take what I have learned about myself from derby and apply it to the rest of my life.

So thank you derby girls. You changed my life for the better.

The Year In Review

2007-01-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
2006 was definately a year of firsts for me. I got involved with roller derby and won my first ever trophy. I traveled to Canada for the first time. I started bellydancing and had my first ever "dance recital".

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't really make resolutions. My goals for 2007 are: go back to school, find a job I can be passionate about, get my money in order, and do what makes me happy.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
One derby baby and one Deek's baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope, and I hope to continue that trend as long as possible.

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada, eh.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money. And a decent guy would really be a switch.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
6/3/06 first ever bout. 12/5/06 new start in a new house.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Roller derby was an achievement for sure. I started something and stuck with it for the first time in a long time. I stood up for myself whenever people did me wrong.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not admitting that I was spending too much in rent and just letting that house go and getting something cheaper, sooner.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Well, my parents didn't name me Grace for a reason. If there's something to trip on, fall over, or stab myself with I'll do it. So let's just say there are too many to list here.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Best deal: plaid mini skirt off ebay with tags, $5.00.
Most extravagent: black satin corset, hand made, $300.00.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Well, it certainly wasn't Britney Spears. Note to Britney: wear panties, shoes and wash your hair.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Close minded individuals that can't see past their own agendas.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I support the national economy by shopping. Target, Torrid, and Ross. OH MY!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Derby of course. And bellydancing. I'm pretty easily amused though, so I get really excited about a lot of stuff.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Blue October "Hate Me" and Dresden Dolls "Coin-Operated Boy"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. Yeah me!
b) thinner or fatter? I think about the same unfortunately.
c) richer or poorer? Again the same, broke as a mafucker.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Living in the moment, saying what was on my mind immediately, and made MO' MONEY.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Crying for sure. Stressing out about that which cannot be changed. And wasting my time on losers.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Been there, done that. (With family, BTW)

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Hmmmm. I came pretty close. It certainly hurt when it was over.

22. How many one-night stands?
I plead the 5th.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Lost for sure. For every answered question you get five more mysteries. Although Flavor of Love was pretty good. Where else would you see a chick shit her pants on TV? Rule number 1 in trying to win a reality dating show: Don't poop on the dude's floor. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I certainly know a few more worthless people now then I did then. I don't know that I "hate" them persay, but I wouldn't care if they slipped and fell in a puddle of flesh eating bacteria.

25. What was the best book you read?
I read a lot. It's hard for me to say one book is the best. So good reads this year were: Wicked, Odd Thomas, Night, and I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Dresden Dolls and Hank III.

27. What did you want and get?
Pink IPOD Nano.

28. What did you want and not get?
A job that I look foward to going to and feel that I make a difference in.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Walk The Line. I watch it once a week.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 28. Damn I'm old. I had a bout, so that pretty much occupied my day. The girls sang to me at half-time and I got sent to spank alley. Good times.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less stress.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
40's and 50's vintage with a bit of a punk flair.

33. What kept you sane?
My BFF, my dogs, my friends, and lots of chocolate.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Joaquin Phoenix. MMM MMM MMM.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The war in Iraq for sure.

36. Who did you miss?
My grandma. Everyday.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
SB, for sure. she makes me smile and listens to me bitch. Thanks for being my "lucky" charm!!!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
I learned not to hide my feelings because I think the other person won't want to hear it. It doesn't matter what their reaction is, I need to say it and feel better about things. Yes, it is taking a risk of rejection, but it would be worth a few rejections for the day that it gets me exactly where I want to be.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Love me or hate me, it's still an obsession.
Love me or hate me, that is the question.
If you love me then thank you!
If you hate me then fuck you!

I almost forgot this.

2006-10-17T10:43:00.000-06:00

After awhile you learn the subtle difference,
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats,
With your head up and your eyes open.
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads,
On today, because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight,
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden,
And decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you can endure...
That you really are strong...
And you really do have worth...
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

~Author unknown

Drivers Ed. 101

2006-10-09T15:14:00.000-06:00

When it is raining outside...

TURN ON YOUR FUCKING HEADLIGHTS!!!!

Thank you.

That is all.

Gratitude Thursday

2006-10-05T11:50:00.000-06:00

I was trolling random blogs and saw this and thought it was a great idea... So here are all the "A" things I am gratful for.

Acceptance - From my friends that support me no matter what. It means more to me then you will ever know.
Apple Martinis - Especially the green apple martini at Morton's that is rimmed in cinammon sugar. YUM!
Anti-bacterial lotion - From Bath & Body Works cause it gets the "yuck" off my hands and smells good.
Autumn - I love the changing of the leaves and that bit of crispness in the air.
Air Force - For defending our country and sending my wifey's hubby home in one piece.
Artists - For giving me inspiration and making me think out of the box.
Accelorator pedal - Cause it allows me to pass your slow ass on the freeway!
Accessories - It's what seperates us from the apes.
Apes - For being so damn cute.
Acrylic - Without it I would never have nice fingernails.
Aerosmith - For being so bold as to mix rock and rap with Walk This Way.

Don't make me your accomplice

2006-09-21T10:09:00.001-06:00

I seem to attract guys that are unavailable. Whether they already have a woman in their life or just not ready to really be in a relationship, I seem to be a magnet for them.

I have dated my fair share of the "not ready" guy. This is the guy that wants to have all the benefits of being a boyfriend, but is unwilling to put that label on it. He gives this really logical explanation that keeps me hanging on waiting for the moment that he will change his mind and want to take the next step. This never happens. Ultimately, I am just being used for my kind heart and willingness to participate in such a game. If you were to confront "not ready" guy about playing me, he would ferverently deny it. He would say that he has genuine feelings for me and that I have been a willing participant in this little life drama. And when he eventually walks away, he will leave me broken hearted and confused, wondering why I wasn't good enough to be his.

I also get guys that are with someone that tell me how wonderful I am and how "if only I had met you first". Cut the crap. You and I both know all this is about is sex. You will NEVER leave your girlfriend/wife for me. I have never wanted to be the "other woman". I know what it is like to be cheated on. I know what it is like to have another woman make moves on my man knowing that I am in the picture. I refuse to be part of another woman's heartbreak. Yet, I seem to attract these men that try and give me all kinds of stories about how they are currently on a break or trying to break it off smoothly. Bullshit. Call me six months after it's over and then maybe we can talk. Better yet, if your girlfriend is someone I consider a friend, don't ever call me. Friends don't date friend's exes. No, no, no.

Don't make me your accomplice

2006-09-21T10:09:00.000-06:00

I seem to attract guys that are unavailable. Whether they already have a woman in their life or just not ready to really be in a relationship, I seem to be a magnet for them.

I have dated my fair share of the "not ready" guy. This is the guy that wants to have all the benefits of being a boyfriend, but is unwilling to put that label on it. He gives this really logical explanation that keeps me hanging on waiting for the moment that he will change his mind and want to take the next step. This never happens. Ultimately, I am just being used for my kind heart and willingness to participate in such a game. If you were to confront "not ready" guy about playing me, he would feverently deny it. He would say that he has geniune feelings for me and that I have been a willing particpant in this little life drama. And when he eventually walks away, he will leave me broken hearted and confused, wondering why I wasn't good enough to be his.

I also get guys that are with someone that tell me how wonderful I am and how "if only I had met you first". Cut the crap. You and I both know all this is about is sex. You will NEVER leave your girlfriend/wife for me. I have never wanted to be the "other woman". I know what it is like to be cheated on. I know what it is like to have another woman make moves on my man knowing that I am in the picture. I refuse to be part of another woman's heartbreak. Yet, I seem to attract these men that try and give me all kinds of stories about how they are currently on a break or trying to break it off smoothly. Bullshit. Call me six months after it's over and then maybe we can talk. Better yet, if your girlfriend is someone I consider a friend, don't ever call me. Friends don't date friend's exes. No, no, no.

Making some life decisions

2006-08-29T13:35:00.000-06:00

So I have been thinking a lot about my life and where it is headed. With every passing year I think about the goals I had as a teenager and how little I have actually accomplished. So I am going to put in writing some goals for me to aspire to with a bit of a deadline to get me motivated.

1. Debt - Pay off all outstanding financials debts by 12/31/07
2. College - Enroll in college at least part time by Jan. 2007
3. Business - Advertise me business and establish more contacts by 12/31/06
4. Home - Purchase a home by 12/31/08
5. Children - Adopt a child in need by 8/5/08
6. Self - Work on exorcising my ghosts and dealing with my issues, everyday.
7. Volunteerism - Get involved again working with kids by 12/31/06
8. Dancing - Continue taking dance classes and participate in a show by 6/30/07
9. Roller derby - Learn more about coaching aspect of the game, everyday.
10. Relationships - Don't accept less then the best, everyday.

The end

2006-08-17T22:05:00.000-06:00

I sit here broken-hearted once again,
not for what was,
but for what might have been.
Not for the loss of my lover,
but for the loss of my friend.

I want...

2006-08-03T11:31:00.000-06:00

I want to lay in the dark and talk about our deepest, darkest secrets.
I want to caress all your scars and will the pain away.
I want to feel your breath on my neck and shiver from the touch of your lips on my skin.
I want to sit beside you and hold your hand when you feel like the world is keeping you down.
I want to celebrate your accomplishments and be by your side in all you do.

I want to risk heartbreak for you.

I want to wake up next to you in the morning with a smile on my lips and desire in my eyes.
I want for both of us to finally know what it is like to be cherished.
I want for all our differences to melt away and disappear because they don't matter.

I want to know what love is like without pain and disappointment.

I want to tease and laugh with you.
I want you to take out the trash and kill all the bugs.
I want to have dinner waiting for you when you've worked all day.
I want to feel the warmth of your body against mine while I sleep.

I want to feel safe in your arms and for you to feel loved in mine.

I want to giggle while you do bad impressions and make a chihuahua greek.
I want to make you shake your head in amusement and bewilderment every time I bring home another pair of shoes or shriek at a bug.

I want you for my own.
I want to be yours.
I want to be us.

Going to see The Reverend Horton Heat tonight

2006-07-20T11:10:00.000-06:00

Maybe I'll find a guy with a Big Red Rocket Of Love and we'll have some Martini Time and he'll say, "Baby I'm Drunk". Then I might play with his Wiggle Stick and he'll make my Wildest Dreams come true Now, Right Now and when we're done we'll smoke a Crooked Cigarette. Then the next morning I'll Make Love again after some Tylenol cause my head hurts, so I'll want to Sue Jack Daniel's. Then he'll say, "I Could Get Used To This." And I tell him it would never work out because of his Bad Reputation and make my departure. After I'm gone the only thing he can say is, "Where In The Hell Did You Go With My Toothbrush?"

Missed Connection

2006-07-17T15:01:00.000-06:00

Do you ever read the Missed Connections section of craigslist? Or in the personals of your local paper? I do. I'm always hoping from within the deep, dark place inside my heart that is full of secrets that maybe someday, someone would write one for me.

So today I wrote one for Poet. I wrote one in order to free my heart and to clear my confused mind. Some days I want to be with him and on others I want to wash my hands of him forever. I remain his friend in spite of the hurt he has caused me, in spite of his closed-mindedness to all that is different from him, and in spite of how difficult he makes it. I remain his friend because I want to be his friend, plain and simple. My life has been better because he is a part of it. I want that to stay the same. Maybe he'll see it, maybe he won't. I feel better having written it.

Let's get real

2006-06-28T10:02:00.000-06:00

I stole this idea from Bitter Betty over at Tastes Like Purple so if you haven't been reading over there, do. She is fucking hilarious!!

The idea is to write 15 honest statements to anyone you want to, dead or alive, past or present, but no names. I think we should all play along! ;)

Here are mine:

1. Sometimes you are a selfish asshole who never thinks of anyone but yourself.

2. All I ever wanted was your love and acceptance and all I ever got was your judgment and indifference.

3. You are the only person in my life that loved and accepted me unconditionally.

4. I miss our late night dates in front of the TV, drinking rum and coke, and making out like teenagers.

5. I wish you could have seen yourself the way I saw you.

6. You pretended to be someone you weren't for two years. You lied to me and cheated on me and I hope you get back everything you gave tenfold.

7. You claim not to be shallow, but you focus on the superficial and you are missing out on what really matters.

8. I have the biggest crush on you and wish you would ask me out on a date cause I will never make the first move.

9. You never really hear anything I tell you.

10. It wouldn't have taken much for me to fall in love with you, I was almost there.

11. I never really loved you and knew in the first week that we would never stay together.

12. As much as I want to help make your situation better, I can't help but think that you made things that bad yourself.

13. Your boyfriend flirts with me, kissed me, and makes sexual advances towards me. I tell him no, but I really want to tell him yes.

14. Your best friend fucked your husband.

15. You will never find what you are looking for as long as you close your mind to people that don't fit your pre-conceived notion of what you think they should be.

There just isn't a simple answer to this giant mess I'm in

2006-06-27T15:22:00.000-06:00

From: A
Sent: Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:49 AM
To: Bex
Subject: what cha need

you called last night?

From: Bex
Sent: Tuesday, June 27, 2006 10:02 AM
To: A
Subject: RE: what cha need

Things with Poet just got really bad.

hmmm, why?

We got into a huge fight last night. The whole situation is just beyond broken that I don't know what we can do to fix it. He thinks that if we stop sleeping together that everything will be ok. I think that it's unrealistic to think we could keep hanging out together and not have sex. The line has already been crossed. He says that he likes me, is attracted to me, wants to keep spending time together. He also wants to be able to date other people and not make a commitment to anyone until he is absolutely sure about things. He says that our having sex together clouds both of our judgment and is making things too complicated. It just got so nasty last night. I had to leave the house for awhile just to be able to breathe. Then later he blew up at me cause I was crying and then just left the room. That pissed me off so I went after him to yell at him and he was crying. He keeps apologizing for hurting me and says he just wants me to be happy. So we fall asleep and he wakes up and asks if I'm ok and then says that he loves me. WTF???!!?? I am so confused.

you both are morons

That is ever so helpful. Thanks.

if he isn't going to make a commitment of any kind then why bother with the whole deal?

I really like him a lot. He makes me laugh.

then you can continue on the route your are on.

So are you saying that even if I'm patient and understanding he still won't want to be with me in the end?

nope, but until he changes his mind you either tag along and play by his rules or you don't.

It's just so damn frustrating that he keeps changing his mind on what he wants from me.

I am trying to date other people and not get attached to him. It's just really hard.

then you will have to set the standard then. Start playing by your rules.

I don't know how to do that. It's not in my personality to be the "aggressor" in any situation.

you don't have to be aggressive. Just write on a piece of paper the rules you need to follow and stick to them

Even that is hard because I really have no idea what I want from him or how to handle any of this. He flipped out cause I was upset that he wants to hang out with another girl this weekend while I would be around. I feel bad for even asking him not to cause we have no commitment and can do whatever he wants. At the same time though, it is unfair for him to ask me to have to sit there while he is on a "date" 10 feet away from me.

then you have to tell him that he cant. That is the price you now both will pay because you have played. It's only fair and if he doesn't like it. Tell him to blow.

He agreed not to have us be in the same vicinity but he isn't happy about it. I have never screwed up so much in my life.
He made a joke last night about if I made an ad on craigslist and he answered it. I told him he would never answer an ad from me because we aren't each other's "type" and that is what makes this whole situation so damn frustrating. I feel that there is a reason we feel the way we do about each other and that maybe we should run with it and see where it takes us. He doesn't see it that way. How do you reconcile that?

you don't, you cant change someone's mind for them

It makes no sense though. One minute he is telling me how much he likes me, how attracted he is to me, how much he wants to have sex with me and the next minute he is talking about dating other people. It's almost as if he builds me up to tear me down. I know that is not his intention but that is how all this makes me feel. "I like you but I won't date you." WTF is that?

why buy the cow?

Talk about damned if you damned if you don't. Would you consider a relationship with someone that wouldn't have sex with you?

yes, sex is part of a relationship, not what a relationship comes from

This is the part of dating that I hate. It's all a fuckin game. How long do you wait to call or to see again or to sleep with, etc. It's so stupid. God forbid people actually say what they really feel and screw all the rest.

My values

2006-06-27T11:46:00.000-06:00

Your Values Profile

Loyalty:

You value loyalty a fair amount.
You're loyal to your friends... to a point.
But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties.
Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself.

Honesty:

You value honesty a fair amount.
You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it.
If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it.
In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity."

Generosity:

You value generosity highly.
So much so that you often put your own needs last.
There's nothing wrong with having a caring heart...
But you may want to rethink your "open wallet" policy.

Humility:

You value humility highly.
You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are.
And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better.
You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low.

Tolerance:

You value tolerance highly.
Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...
You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.
You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test

Risking it all

2006-06-21T10:41:00.000-06:00

My heart on the line. My choice. Don't pull away from me because you don't want to hurt me. If I am willing to risk a broken heart on the chance that something wonderful could happen between us, you should let that decision be mine. I know you care about me and are only thinking of my feelings, but think about the feelings that are happening now. Neither one of us knows what fate has in store for us. Let's take advantage of the now and deal with things as they come. You have said it time and time again that no matter how many times you tell yourself that we won't have sex again we keep ending up in bed together. That is because we both WANT to be there. Be willing to take a risk on being happy. I am not like all those fake girls that you have been with in the past. I have no desire to hurt you or break your heart. I am always completely honest with you the way you are with me. I know the stakes are high, but let's gamble it all. After all, we could always win in the end.

I'll keep trying

2006-06-20T09:52:00.001-06:00

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we're not
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

~I Try~Macy Gray

Different is good

2006-06-16T12:45:00.000-06:00

I have dated a lot of crappy guys. I can honestly say there is only one man in my past that I would ever consider having sex with again or even trying to date again (I haven't ever really talked about him here, we'll call him Hockey Geek). So when I think about why those guys were so crappy I come up with one conclusion: They cared more about themselves then they cared about me.

Now before you freak out and say that is how it is supposed to be, hear me out. Yes, you should always put yourself first and take care of you. That is the only way to have a healthy relationship. So when I say that they cared about themselves more, I mean in every way. They never stopped to think about how their actions would make me feel. This is why people find it easy to cheat on someone they say they love. Because in that moment there is not a single thought to the person that you are sharing your life with and how you would be hurting them. It's the complete disregard of your significant other's feelings about anything. It is the complete lack of empathy, sensitivity, moral integrity, and honor that should be the basis of a loving relationship. When I think about my past I realize that I felt their lack of caring in their touch. There is a difference when a guy who is out to get his touches your skin and when a guy that cares about you caresses you. Sure, the motions are the same, but the EMOTIONS are different. The emotions come through in the touch, the kiss, the foreplay, the sex, and the way you both feel about things afterwards.

I don't know that I would have ever come to this conclusion unless Poet pointed it out to me. He says that the way I kiss him, touch him, and look at him he can tell that I have feelings behind that. When I asked him how he knows that he said it is because he does the same thing. So that made me think about the difference between how he touches me and how Cabana Boy or acquaintance crush touched me. I do feel how much he cares about me in the way that he caresses my face. I think that is what makes things so complicated between us. We are both such emotional beings it is hard to separate the physical attraction we feel for one another and the emotions behind it. It makes me wonder if it's the sex that makes us like each other or if it's really how we feel. We tried taking sex out of the equation and it felt unnatural. Whenever we would be in the same room with one another it felt like we were both holding back from saying what we needed to or making any kind of inadvertent physical contact. It feels uncomfortable and weird and I hated it. So somehow Poet and I ended up cuddling up together once again and things felt right. Things felt more honest that way then trying to stifle these feelings that come up. Well, cuddling leads to kissing and kissing leads to touching and touching leads to, well, you know. And here we are back where we started, those damn emotions that come along with that undeniable physical attraction.

As I see it one of three things will happen between us:
1. Whatever this chemistry is will fizzle out once we have it out of our systems and we will go back to just being friends and all will be well.
2. This chemistry leads to something more significant and maybe we realize that us together is a good thing and honestly try and make something out of it.
3. One of us will get emotionally entangled and the other won't, leading to a broken heart and the loss of a great friendship.

I really don't want it to be #3. If that were to happen I know that it would end up being my heart that's broken. #3 has already happened to me with the Hockey Geek. If you want to put a label on our relationship I guess it would be "friends with benefits". We never really went on dates or met each others friends and family. We pretty much just hung out together and had great sex. Eventually I wanted more then he could give and in the end we had to call it quits. I was devastated for a long time about it. I had never had a relationship that was so open and honest where I felt like I could tell him anything without being embarrassed or made to feel stupid. I had never had such great sex, either. I had never known a guy to actually care about how I felt, what I thought, or what he could do to please me in bed. It was overwhelmingly wonderful. I think because we were always honest with each other and I hold no blame for why he had to end things, we have been able to rekindle a friendship today. I have NO regrets of any kind about my relationship with Hockey Geek. I wish we had better timing with life, but I am grateful he was in my life. He really showed me what it should be like when a guy says he cares about you.

I think that is why I am willing to take a chance on Poet. I know in my heart he really does care about me. Whenever he thinks he has hurt me, I see that hurt reflected in his eyes. It torments him. Sometimes he can be a little too brutally honest, but I know it is what I really need to hear. He never says whatever it takes to get under my skirt. In fact, he spends most of the time trying to talk me out of wanting to be with him. That kinda backfires though and makes me want him more. He told me this morning that what makes it hard for him is that he has feelings for more than one girl at the same time. He is talking to other girls, dating other girls, and then there is me. To be honest I am not sure how I feel about that. I want him all to myself, but at the same time I really wonder if a relationship between the two of us would ever even work out at all. We are so alike in so many ways, but we are also really different in really big ways. It's those differences that make both of us a little skeptical about any kind of future together. So we are stuck in this uncertainty that only goes away when we are alone together in the dark. Is that bad? Is it wrong? I don't know. I only know how he makes me feel when I am with him and that is all that matters. I suppose only time will tell which of the three things will happen with us.

Longing

2006-06-14T12:02:00.000-06:00

I've always been a big fan of being woken up for sex. Whether it be in the middle of the night or early in the morning nothing gets me hotter then knowing that he wakes up wanting. This morning we wake up to the alarm, he hits the snooze button. I snuggle up closer to him. His hands start roaming with gentle caresses that cause my belly to flutter with anticipation. His hand moves up to my hair as he brushes it from my neck. Gentle kisses to the back of my neck and I wiggle even closer to him. I lightly caress his arm, kissing the palm of his hand, nibbling on his finger, he moans. The alarm sounds again, silenced again by the snooze button. I mourn the loss of his hand on my body and moan with pleasure as he returns it. More touching, more playing, and then time has become our enemy. I must get up and go to work. We reluctantly part and being the day.

So now I sit here, at my desk, surrounded by the mundane, with thoughts of his touch, the anticipation still fluttering in my belly, his scent still on my skin, thinking about tonight and setting the alarm to go off even earlier tomorrow.

Broken

2006-06-02T10:07:00.000-06:00

So Poet and I are officially just friends again. It's tormenting him that we have had sex (although we both admit it was pretty fuckin fabulous) and he is in no way interested in a relationship right now. Things between us have been nothing but weird since we did the deed. I was getting quite frustrated by the whole situation myself. On one hand I didn't really want to be in a relationship right now either. On the other hand I believe that everything happens for a reason and he is such a good guy I felt that despite the bad timing maybe we were supposed to make something work. The whole situation has been tearing me apart emotionally since it happened. All I have done this week is get drunk trying to numb the feelings that I was unable to express. Last night was really, really bad. I got drunk at the bar, and my former crush was there making moves on me. I texted Poet and told him what was going on and he told me to "do my thing". It was at that moment that I knew he would never have any intention of trying to work anything out between us other then friendship. So being hurt and angry and drunk I went home with former crush, had a little wham bam thank you ma'am, and 45 minutes later was out the door without so much as a hug goodbye. Talk about making a bad situation worse, I have never felt so completely worthless in my entire life. I would rather go back into the hell that was my first love and get knocked around then feel this way. I know that Poet is making a decision that he thinks is best for both us. I know that he never, ever wanted to hurt me or make me feel bad. I place absolutely no blame on him whatsoever. He told me last night that if we can't get past things that we would have to stop talking completely. I really hate the thought of that, he has been a wonderful friend to me and I really, really don't want to lose that. I told him to give me a little time and I will get better. I want things back to the way they were before we let things go to far. I honestly don't know if that is possible, but I really am going to try as hard as I can. I want my friend back to be silly with, laugh with, and just be able to talk about anything with. I've really missed that this week. So I won't be drinking for awhile. I need to be sober and take care of me.

How do I manage to get myself into these situations?

2006-05-30T10:45:00.000-06:00

So quick update on where things stand with my love life: Hot Latino Crush is no longer an option (regardless of how phenomenal of a kisser he is), acquaintance Crush is no longer an option either as he has knocked up someone else (regardless of how badly I wanted to be his "good girl"), and as far as the "one" well I am not sure if that one will ever get anywhere. So all of this leads up to this weekend and my current conundrum.

I met Poet a while ago online. We chatted on and off, here and there. Recently we have become better friends and started hanging out together quite a bit. While I thought he was a great guy and cute as hell I never considered him to be anything more then a really good friend. So the other night we were hanging out together and one thing lead to another and we ended up fooling around a little. Now, while taking me completely off-guard cause I had NO CLUE that he liked me like that, I definitely didn't mind. So this leads us to have the conversation about consequences if we were to pursue things any further. One being that our friendship would change and the other that he is not in the market for a girlfriend right now.

I know in my heart that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt my feelings. He hates the fact that guys have treated me badly and said that he doesn't want to be another guy that fucks with my head or plays with my emotions. He expressed his interest in me and placed the ball in my court. It was my decision whether or not to let things go further. I had a similar relationship in the past that was the best relationship I have ever had. It was the most honest, open relationship I have ever known. We were "friends with benefits" for over a year. Never once in that time did I feel that he was not being completely honest with me. I knew that he genuinely cared for me and wanted to be spending time with me. He just wasn't ready for a committed relationship. Our agreement was that if one of us wanted to move on, we would let the other one go. Now I am not saying that my feelings were not bruised during that year we were together. There were many times that I wanted to take the relationship to the next level. I loved him. Things ended when he needed to move on. I was so very hurt that I was not the one he chose to move on with that I needed to end our friendship. However, after a few years we have reconnected and I am so happy to have him back in my life, even if it is only with the occasional email. So knowing all of this I am willing to try and keep things on a casual level for Poet. I know that he is a good man that will keep my feelings in mind, so I had sex with him. It was everything I needed from Cabana Boy and never got. It was sensual and passionate and he made me feel special.

I have no regrets about what we did. I did what I wanted to do. We have had a few weird moments since, mostly consisting of me not being sure what is ok and what isn't. I'm not sure why he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. I have a few ideas, but that is purely conjecture on my part. So all of this leads to how he made me cry yesterday. We were talking and he asked me if I am the kiss and tell type. I said no (to me kissing and telling is bragging to our friends). He says good because he would hate for someone to bring up the fact that we slept together if he happened to be on a date or with a future girlfriend. To be completely honest with you dear ones, I was crushed. I wanted to cry. I held back though and played it off as if it meant nothing. The second I left him though, the tears came through. As much as I would love to be able to have sex and not get my feelings involved I can't. I'm not made that way. I cared about him as a friend before we ever did anything and I care about him even more now that we have. I am sure that he didn't mean anything by his comment, but it still stung. It made me feel like he is embarrassed by me, that I would never be considered girlfriend material, and that all I am to him is another way to get off. Am I projecting my "every guy is out to hurt me" notions on him? Maybe I am. I'm just lost at this point. I feel like as much as we talked about what the consequences could be we never really talked about how we were planning on dealing with them once we crossed that line. We talked briefly last night, but we didn't spend time together. He sensed something was bothering me and asked me about it but I wasn't sure what to say so I dismissed his concern. At this point I have no idea if he thinks of this as a one time only occurrence or if he wants more. I have no idea how to bring it up. I really am ok with just being friends with benefits right now, I just need to know where I stand with him. It just sucks that I finally meet a truly great guy, have really, really good sex with him and that this is how I feel afterwards.

***Disclaimer: To those of you that think you know who I am talking about, please maintain the anonymity of this blog. I want to respect his right to privacy. Thank you.***

How can a night be so good and so bad?

2006-05-20T17:57:00.000-06:00

I should have known last night after I spilled half a bottle of red nail polish onto the white carpet (don't ask, but do send cleaning tips) that I should stay home and hide under the covers. I finished getting ready and headed out to meet some friends at a nightclub we don't typically frequent. The only reason I went was because my hot latino crush was going to be there and I knew I was looking pretty hot. HLC and my friends were waiting outside when I got there and he reached over and hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and told me how hot I am. I am such a sucker for compliments. So we all go inside and my friend Gin and I feel completely out of place, we are two rockabilly girls in a sea of trendsters. I see some of my fellow derbygirls and go over to say hi. I find out that I am needed to go to Vegas with the team. I am so excited!!! All night long HLC kisses me and says nice things to me. At one point he grabs my face and gives me this knee weakening kiss and I think to myself that this night is about to get interesting. And interesting it got. A little while later HLC comes off the dance floor with some chick and he is all over her. My feelings are quite crushed. As much as I try to be casual with guys and not get so emotionally involved, I just can't. I am not made that way. So now I am pissed off and hurt and not wanting to be there any longer. We leave and are halfway to the next bar when I realize that I have forgotten my damn credit card. So back we go so I can close out my tab. We proceed to another bar where I run into the chick that CB tried to cheat on me with (which while I harbor no hard feelings towards her, seeing her just pisses me off) and a dog almost pees on my leg. Great. Nothing is really happening there so we head out to our fave rockabilly bar to meet some friends. We get there and things are a bit better and this guy comes and asks me to dance. Actually he asks Gin if she minds if he asks me to dance and I thought that was really sweet. So we dance and he is a pretty decent swing dancer. I am quite shitty by this point though and have two left feet. As it is closing time, he leaves, but gives me his number and asks for mine. Most have been the alcohol but I gave it to him. I really don't expect him to call though.
I come back home and my roommate comes up and hangs out with me for a chat. This is why my roommate fucking rules. He and I have such great chats and see the world in many similar ways. Talking to him made me feel better about the whole HLC situation. I have decided to quit talking to HLC for my own good. I know that when I have that kinda chemistry with that kind of guy that only bad things happen.

My idea of a real man

2006-04-25T13:18:00.000-06:00

On the phone last night with T, and we were talking about men, relationships, what we are attracted to, stuff like that. So I was telling her about being attracted to men with dominant personalities. I have always been a submissive female to any male in my life. Maybe because I was raised by my dad I learned from a young age that a woman should respect her man. I can be very assertive when pushed, but when it comes to someone I am attracted to, or in a relationship with, I tend to bow to their needs. Before I recognized this about myself I ended up with men who were dominant in negative ways, men that hit and control. I was fulfilling one need, but missing out on so much more. Then I went into a relationship where the man was very kind and considerate, but I did not respect him as a man. I found myself not being sexually attracted to him because I did not feel that he could defend my honor in a dark ally. I am just not attracted to "nice guys". Don't get me wrong though, I don't want to date a guy that is an asshole, I want a true Dominant man. I heard a phrase the other day in a movie that really summed things up for me, "A slave is really a master in disguise." I think that is so true. The pleasure of the Dom is in the pleasure of the Sub wanting to submit to them.

In all honesty, that is what attracted me to Cabana Boy. I thought that he would be dominant in a relationship and caring enough to be someone I could truly submit to. While he has some dominant behaviors, he is not truly a Dom. He lacks the loving kindness required to allow a woman to truly submit herself to him. I think the trust involved is tremendous. In order to submit completely, one has to trust that one will be cared for in all situations. That is what I want, need, am looking for, and have yet to find. I don't even know where or how to look. To find someone online seems scary. I am not looking for someone to punish or humiliate me. I am looking for someone that will truly appriciate my pleasure in pleasing him, someone that wants to care for and protect me. It seems impossible to find, but I am going to keep looking.

I missed the love boat

2006-04-18T09:14:00.000-06:00

I have this friend that I have talked about here before. The guy that has everything I want in a man and more. The one that makes me laugh when I'm crying and the one that is there for me whether I need a hug or a beatdown. A few months ago we went from strictly friends to flirting around a bit. As I spent more and more time with him I became more and more attracted to him. I flirted every chance I got, we started going out together on weekends, and we talked everyday.

One day he began trying to get me to tell him how I felt about him. He would say things like, "You know you want me." And I would come back with some sassy remark. I was afraid of telling him how I really felt. Afraid that he wouldn't feel the same way about me, afraid that if things didn't work out I would lose this wonderful friendship, and afraid of getting hurt again. We kept skirting the subject for weeks. He would make an innuendo, I would make an innuendo. Neither one of us wanted to be the one that said I dig you first. I thought I had all the time in the world to get a bit more confidence up before I said something. I was wrong.

This woman came into the picture. Now he's talking to her everyday and not talking to me as often. They have "inside jokes" between them. She lives far away and they made plans to see each other. His friends told me not to worry about her, tell him how I feel, we would be good together. But now it's too late. They've met and she calls him her own. I waited too long and now I sit here broken hearted. I missed out on a wonderful man because I was afraid. Damn.

I must be crazy

2006-04-13T14:08:00.000-06:00

I actually sent out the following text message today:
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Must be the fact that he calls me doll. I am such a sucker for that. ;)

PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!

2006-04-04T16:12:00.000-06:00

Ladies....I need you to up your dose of VITAMIN R before you read this!!!!

I need massive amounts of Vitamin R. Vitamin Romance, but also, get ready to growl, Vitamin Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, that says, I want you baby. I need to be told Im sexy, that Im a babe, that I have a adorable 24 year old ass. I need love letters. The love letters needed to say, "Your cock is so great and turns me on so much and I've been thinking about it all day. I want you, boy" Im a man but still need all the romantic wooing that women had grown to expect and complain about if they didn't get. I fell a little put out that Valentine's Day was all premised on what I would get you. I want to be surprised. I want to come home to a woman who wants to tear my work clothes off and love me, deep and wet and messy and sexy and for a long time and then do it again. I need it, you want it, I work hard and I deserve it.
There is not a lot of light at the end of the tunnel. A dark time in the land of men. Not pretty. It seems modern day women have forgot about this Vitamin while busy chasing a dream or a career or shoe sales at the cherry creek mall?

I just want to cry

2006-03-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

It's just been that kinda week, that kinda day, that kinda moment. I am so very disappointed in my friend right now. He and I have been friends for awhile now and in recent months have gotten quite close. We have so much in common and can always make each other laugh. Physically, he is not the type of guy I would normally go for, but I have fallen for his personality and charm. I really, really like him. I really like spending time with him and until recently I thought he felt the same way. He was my shoulder to cry on when things were bad. I was his entertainment when he was bored. We talked on the phone, we emailed all day while we were supposed to be working, he came out to support my events. Things were good. Everything he did pointed to the fact that he cared about me. I had even put serious thought into telling him how I feel about him. The only thing holding me back was the possibility of ruining a great friendship, and I would never want to lose that.

All of the sudden things are different. He has stopped calling, stopped emailing as much, stood me up, and kept something big from me. All of that hurts. So today I get that email for no reason and it makes me cry. I miss my friend.

I am thisclose to giving up

2006-03-22T14:58:00.000-07:00

coin-operated boy
sitting on the shelf
he is just a toy
but i turn him on
and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a
coin-operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever, ever ask for more?
love without complications galore

many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend

coin-operated boy
all the other real
ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle
to my new boy and i'll
never let him go
and i'll never be alone
not with my
coin-operated boy

this bridge was written
to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture
of girl getting bitterer
wil you extract me
from my plastic fantasy
i didn't think so
but i'm still convinceable
will you persist
even after i bet you
a billion dollars
that i'll never love you
and will you persist
even after i kiss you
good-bye for the last time
will you keep on trying
to prove it
i'm dying

to lose it
i'm losing
my confidence
i want to
i want you
i want a
coin-operated boy

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i can't imagine
any flesh and blood would be his match
i can even take him in the bath

coin-operated boy
he may not be real
experienced with girls
but i know he feels
like a boy should feel
isn't that the point?
that is why i want a
coin-operated boy
with a pretty
coin-operated voice
saying that he loves me
that he's thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want a
coin-operated boy

~ Coin-Operated Boy by The Dresden Dolls

A sad goodbye

2006-03-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

My great uncle passed away last week. He was 84. He lived a really fascinating life that I knew very little about until yesterday's memorial service. I knew that he had fought in World War II, but I had no idea he went to Korea. I knew that he had met his wife of 54 years in Italy while in the Army, but I had no idea he and his family had been stationed abroad in places like France and Germany. It makes me sad that I missed out on spending time with him. I always exchanged small talk at family functions, but I never took the time to really find out who he was as a person. It's a tragic lesson to learn.

As I was standing at Fort Logan National cemetery yesterday, I cried. Not only for my uncle, but for all the men and women resting there. For my friend A, who just shipped out on Sunday to serve 18 months in Iraq. For my friend V8, who has been and will go back to Iraq again. For my friend Doc's sons that have both been twice and suffer from PTSD and his anguish in not being able to help them. I cried at the senselessness and of the necessity of it all.

All I can think of to say is thank you. Thank you, come home safe and come home soon.

Ya'll some freaky deeky mafuckers round here

2006-03-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

I always wondered what brought people to my blog. Today I was bored enough at work to find out. I went through my stats and looked at what search perameters led people here and DAMN. Who knew? LOL

Voluptuous Escort ~ Number 215 ~ I may be voluptuous but I am not an escort by any means.

Just dates ~ NUMBER 1 ~ I damn well should be, it's my title for fuck's sake.

Dates with free fucking ~ NUMBER 1 ~ Ummm, well maybe for the right dude. It's that whole live in the moment scenario again, but thanks for your support.

About biatch girls ~ Number 22 ~ Makes sense, again part of my title.

Fucking nasty ~ Number 8 ~ Reference to a post made about my hillbilly reletives and if you've read you've said it.

Naughty nightie ~ Pg. 15 ~ Ok, not sure why, but I'll go with it. I love lingerie.

Curvy ~ Pg. 2 ~ Damn right I am. And proud of looking like a woman and not a girl.

Fuck dates ~ Pg. 1 ~ Well, sometimes I feel that way. Only cause I don't understand the game yet, but I'm learning.

Vixan ~ NUMBER 1 ~ HELLS YEAH!!!!!!

Submissive tendencies ~ Somewhere in the middle ~ Who told? Now all the boys will want me.

Kama Sutrai ~ Pg. 1 ~ Ummm, okie dokie. Whatev.

Super Vixan ~ Number 45 ~ He he he.

You can kiss me anytime

2006-03-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

Damn good date last night with hot Latino crush. I hadn't talked to him in awhile and yesterday I ran into a mutual friend of ours at work. Next thing I know HLC is calling me saying he heard how good I was looking and we should hang out. We made plans for dinner and a movie at my place. Never got to dinner and only watched about 20 minutes of the movie though. And no you pervy perverts we didn't get freaky. We did do some serious kissin on the sofa though. The kind that makes your knees weak. Damn he is a good kisser. And it has been to damn long since I have been really kissed like that. Way too long. Mmmmm mmmmmmm mmmmm mmmm MMMMMMMMMMM.

Living in the moment

2006-03-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

Text message dialog from Saturday night between myself and one of my crushes while hanging out at the bar with a bunch of our friends:

Crush: UR hot
Me: Yer crazy
C: So are you
M: Gee thanks
C: So do U want to do it?
M: I thought you had a chick.
C: I'm single
M: Oh really
C: Is that a no?
M: Not necessarily

Crush has to leave to go work. He signals for me to come talk to him. He wraps his arms around me tight and whispers in my ear, "Are you coming home with me?" I just look at him and he says he knows I want to stay so he says he'll talk to me later. I watch him walk out the door and begin kicking myself for not going with him.

C: So U have no interest
M: I didn't say that. I'm just not a one night stand kinda girl.
C: Ok im not trying to be disrespectful in any way, just playing, i know U only like me as a friend. sorry.
M: That is not the case at all! I have always had a bit of a crush on you!
C: W O W !
M: So...
C: I had no idea
M: Well...
C: I think thats very kool
M: And now that you know...
C: Time tells all tales!
M: What is that suppose to mean?
C: Just trying to be dramatic, going to bed, talk to you soon. Very good to see u tonite.
M: Sweet dreams
C: U2 call me if ya want 2
Half an hour later
M: Still awake?
C: Why u want IT?
M: Maybe
C: Why you messing with me?
M: I'm not messing with you I mean it.
C: Call me tomorrow when you're sober and we'll talk.
M: Ok

So that's what happened. My answers are based on my cloudy memory. Bacardi was my best friend on Saturday after all. I did text with him briefly on Sunday. We did a bit of small talk and that was that. Now I am REALLY kicking myself for not going home with him. Even if we wouldn't have had sex, it would have been nice to get a little closer. I have no idea what will happen next. You all know that I am not that great at this whole dating thing. I have always found a guy and stayed with him for a couple years until things go bad. I've never really dated and I think that's why I don't live in the moment as much as I should. I'm always worried about months down the road and that leads me to so many regrets. I plan on keeping my options open for now and seeing where life takes me. And right now (if he doesn't flake out me) I have a date with a different crush tonight. He's coming over to make me dinner and watch a movie. Maybe I'll work on living in the moment tonight...

Roller Derby Overload!!!

2006-03-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

I just got back from spending the weekend in Tucson, AZ for the first ever national roller derby tournament. The Dust Devil was amazing!!!! I have learned so much more about the sport and my passion for all things derby has been intensified exponentially. These girls put their blood, sweat, and tears (not to mention ALL of their free time) into making this sport a force to be reckoned with. My team was eliminated on day one, but all was not lost. We did really well considering our lack of experince, recent player turnover, and a few injuries sustained before the weekend. I have no doubt though that these girls will continue to learn and grow and before you know it become one of the top teams in the land. I am honored and priviledged to be a part of this league. Even though I won't be competing, (I have decided to ref) I will continue to devote all of my free time to derby.

Besides, have you seen all the cute boys that come to bouts? HOT DAMN!!!! Hee hee.

My one perfect Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

I haven't spent a whole lot of time talking about my past. About how I was engaged once to a man 14 years my senior (JG) or my one perfect relationship that was a victim to bad timing (CH). So today I am going to talk about my one perfect Valentine's Day. Every Valentine's Day I get my hopes high thinking that this will be the one and I am always disappointed in the lack of romance, except for one day.

Valentine's fell on a Saturday that year and both JG and I had to work until five. (Backstory: We worked for the same retail company, he on a store level and me at corporate.) He left before I woke up and left me a little note on the bathroom mirror wishing me a happy day. I went to work as usual and about an hour after I got there here comes JG with a bunch of balloons, a dozen roses, a teddy bear, and a box of chocolates. I was ecstatic! Only a woman knows how special it is to get flowers at work and have all the girls a tiny bit jealous of you, so not only was I getting flowers at work but he was bringing them himself! None of the other girls got flowers that day, but I did share my chocolates. ;)

I got home from work that day and found another dozen roses on our kitchen counter and a card expressing his love for me. I had never felt so special or so loved EVER. I had no idea at that time that a guy could treat me so well. I had no idea that I even deserved such treatment. I knew that we were going out to dinner so I got ready for the night. I took a long time with my hair and makeup and wore his favorite little black dress. He came home and I gave him a card from me and the computer game he had been drooling over for weeks.

We went downtown and had dinner at the Broker. For those of you not in Denver, the Broker restaurant is in an old bank. You walk through the old vault door and sit in what used to be the private booths people would use to deal with their safety deposit boxes. It is a very romantic, very expensive place to eat. After dinner he took me on a horse and carriage ride through downtown. I was so happy and I didn't want the night to end. I spent the ride home snuggled up next to him, holding his hand, my heart so full of love I thought it might burst. Little did I know the night was far from over.

We got home and he asked me to wait in the living room for him. About fifteen minutes later he came and got me. He asked me to close my eyes and take his hand. He led me into the bathroom where he had a candle-lit bubble bath waiting for me. He had a path of rose petals that led from the bath into our bedroom and more rose petals surrounding the tub. We took a bath together and just held each other and kissed until the water was cold. He dried me off and took my hand, walked me down that path of roses and into our room. More candles, more rose petals on the bed, and a box for me. I opened the box and inside was a beautiful silk nightie. We made love and fell asleep in each other's arms. I was content for the first time in my life and I knew what it felt like to be loved, to be respected, to be cherished, and to belong to someone completely.

Even though things between JG and I would take a horrible turn (more on that another time) for that one day I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. That boys is what women truly want for Valentine's Day. It's not the flowers or the candy that make us feel special, it's you. That day wasn't about the presents to me as much as was about the time he spent trying to make me feel special. He could have brought me a single daisy and I would have been happy with that because I knew he was thinking about me. It's all about making the effort to make a person feel special and listening to what their heart says. He knew that I had never been romanced and he wanted to show me what that was like. I am grateful to JG for a lot of things and that day is definitely one of them.

I'm not a player, I just crush a lot.

2006-02-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

I'm not actively seeking someone new at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I do want a someone special in my life again. I miss having someone to come home to and share my day with. However, I have been enjoying having the whole bed to myself and control of the remote. My heart is still healing from CB and I am discovering a whole new me that I didn't know existed before. I am actually having fun being single and exploring who I am and what I want. With that said however, I have a couple of crushes going on...

There is my friend crush. I have known this guy for awhile now and we are pretty good friends. We talk a couple times a week and see him often. He knows all my deep, dark secrets and still thinks I'm fabulous. He is everything I could want from a man and more. I truly like him a lot. The problem is that I don't think he sees me in a romantic way. We flirt and play around, but when it comes down to it he could ask me out and never has. He is busy being a player right now and that's ok. He needs a little fun after his last few relationships. I hate to say anything to him about how I feel because I value our friendship too much to ruin it. So I hang out, smile while he talks about his latest female escapade, and wish it were me he was into.

There is my hot Latin crush. I have this thing for cute Latino boys. My middle school crush was on a boy named Angel and I wanted him desperately. We didn't have any classes together, but that didn't stop me from smiling at him in the halls. I never got my Angel, but I got Angel's cousin Rico. Ahhh Rico. He was all passion and no substance. That crazy boy was ready to move 2000 miles to be with me. He was a fun little fling that ended when I found out about his extreme substance abuse problem. I have been going out every weekend and meeting all kinds of new people. One is this uber-hot Latino boy that just makes my mouth water. He's a little bit punk, a little bit hip hop, and a whole lotta eye y eye. He flirts outragously with me and I get twitterpated as hell. This one has potential.

And finally there is my acquaintance crush. I have known this guy for a few months and we hang out with mututal friends occasionally. He always gives me a hug hello and a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I adore the hell out of him but having seen some of the girls that he dates and has been interested in, I'm not his type.

So I just flirt a little, smile, wink, and shake my ass while I walk away...

I don't need no stinkin man....

2006-02-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

So Sunday I didn't have practice so I decided to take the opportunity to clean my pig sty of a house since I would finally be home for more then a minute. I wanted to really deep clean each room, move some furniture around, hang some pictures, and just basically get organized. I had finished up the living room and decided to attack the kitchen. I started on one side and began to move small appliances and clean behind them. I get to the corner of my counter where my microwave and toaster are, this counter area meets the stove. I pull out the toaster and see something right next to the stove....it's a mouse's ass. It's a dead mouse's ass. So after the screaming, wiggling, gagging, and just basic freaking out ends I inspect dead mouse's ass further. It doesn't stink and I haven't smelled anything bad so it must not have been there long. At first glance I thought, "What the fuck happened to it's head?" Then I realized that the damn thing was trying to get behind the stove and got stuck and died there. It's head is behind the stove. Now how the hell am I gonna get it out of my house??!!???

I am your typical girl, I don't do bugs, rodents, or reptiles. My dog put a spider in her mouth once and I screamed so bad that Cabana Boy thought terrorists were invading the house. Now this mouse problem is not new. I have been fighting an endless battle with the little fuckers for months. Just when I think they have all been trapped, I see another one. I have seen them in every single room of my house. It is disgusting. Since the traps haven't caught any for weeks I assumed that I finally got them all. WRONG. Now up until this point I have not had to deal with them myself. I would ask CB to take the traps out and throw them away. Which he would do only after taunting me and making fun of me first. Bastard.

So now I find myself in a sticky situation. Do I call one of my many homeboys and risk life long ridicule for making one of them come over to deal with a dead mouse's ass or do I suck it up and do it myself? I call my best friend and her hubby answers. I tell him my predicament and he laughs. Now I know I must do this myself. On go the rubber gloves up to my elbows. I pull my shirt up over my mouth and nose. I break out the tongs. I grab the mouse's tail with the tongs and pull. Nothing. I am going to have to grab it's ass. More freaking out and wriggling ensues. I grab it around the body with the tongs and pull. Gagging commences as it leaves behind some nasty residue and fuzz. Did I mention that there was a turd coming out of it's ass? Well there was. I quickly drop the mouse and the tongs into a ziplock bag and seal them up. I run out into the alley and toss the mouse into the trash. More freaking out and wriggling. I also decide the gloves must be trashed as well. Should I burn these clothes? No, I think they'll be ok since the mouse didn't touch them directly.

I go back in the house feeling quite proud of myself for dealing with such a horrible situation. I think to myself, "I don't need no stinkin man."
Then the realization hits. I don't NEED a man, but I WANT a man. So until that day comes I will be happy in the fact that Tom is moving in and he can deal with dead mouse's asses.

Erotic Fridge Poetry

2006-01-19T09:27:00.000-07:00

I recently purchased the erotic version of magnetic poetry. I have decided to make the poems and one liners that come from that a regular part of my blog. I hope you all enjoy them.

Lust

I crave ache need
if ready boy come
slow tease full of fever
she says take me please
spank bite lick swallow
spurt gush fill shudder
come
she screams
purr
exquisite pleasure

Passion for life

2006-01-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

So I've been temping at this new job since the beginning of December. I have interviewed along with a few other candidates for this position. I have a bit of an edge above everyone else solely because I am already here doing the job. Denver is a city chock full of administrative assistants with identical skills so it is very difficult to find a job much less land an interview when you are swimming through a sea of clones. Since I have been here I have been giving this job 110%. I am working my ass off to show what I can do. I NEED this job. In the beginning I wanted this job because I kicked out the loser and desperately need the paycheck coming in. This is still the case, but now that I've been here a month I've found something else. I don't just need this job, I WANT this job. I really enjoy everyone I work with. It's a great team of people that not only care about each other, but about the work they do on a daily basis. I also enjoy the work I've been doing. It's diverse in what I've been doing in the past and I find it interesting.

Yesterday the director of my department and I sat down to discuss the future of the postion that I have been occupying. He told me that I have been the best temp that he has ever worked with. I have been able to come into this postion and not miss a beat. I have gone above and beyond the call of duty and he appriciates the job I do everyday. So after building me up, he breaks my heart (typical man). He says that while I am doing a great job, he and the team are concerned about my committment/confidence level to this job. So they are going to continue interviewing other candidates. He says he wants to be sure that they get the "right fit" for this position. He said that when they were interviewing me that the "light" didn't come on when I was talking about the job. He also expressed concern about my uncertainty about what I want out of life. So they are worried that if things were to get rough in the department that I would just leave because I wouldn't be committed to the job and the people I work with.

Ok. Well, I am uncertain about what I want from life. Everytime I find something that I'm good at or want I seem to get slapped down or discouraged from getting it. I feel beat down by fate right now and I don't know where I'm heading in any direction. I love derby, but my skating isn't great. I want to keep volunteering with kids, but it's hard to find the time to dedicate myself 100%. I want to be in love with a great man, but I'm scared to start something new only to be hurt again. I want to find a job that I love, but I don't know what that career path is for sure.

I do know that I enjoy this job. I have not once gotten up in the morning and not wanted to come to work. Never once while working have I looked at the clock and thought to myself, "Damn, it's only been three minutes since the last time I looked at the clock." I know that I find this position to be interesting, challenging, and fufilling. At this point I could see myself getting a degree in this area and moving up the ladder. How do I express that in a way that they see the "light" come on for me? I can talk til I'm blue in the face, but I can't seem to convince them.

Any suggestions from you, dear readers? My thought for now is to continue working my ass off while they continue interviewing. I figure if I don't give up that should speak a lot to the fact that I want to be here. I looked online today for other jobs just to cover my ass. Out of 143 postings not one sounded interesting enough to make me want to send a resume right now. Yes, I could send out five or ten resumes and probably get a job that would pay my bills. I just don't want that anymore. It sucks to spend so much time on daily basis doing something you hate. *sigh* As usual, nothing I want comes easy for me.

Life is good

2006-01-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

Derby practice is going well. It's kicking my ass and I'm exhausted all the time but I love it. The girls are so sweet and so helpful. I feel like the biggest fucking dork on eight wheels right now, but hopefully with some more practices I'll start feeling more confident. Right now every time I skate I feel out of control and wobbly. I have only fallen once or twice (not on purpose) so that's good. I've been doing falling drills, stopping drills, crossovers, scissors, and endurance. My legs hurt all the time but I'm pushing through it and keep going and going. I must say that my ass is looking quite fabulous from all this exercise though. ;)

Aaron worked on my sleeve more last night. He did all the outlining for the new stuff. In a few months he'll do the gray shading and then he wants to do the color at the Denver Tattoo Convention in June. My arm is fucking killing me today. It's swollen and tender as hell. I love the new work though. I'm so glad I don't have practice again until Sunday. I don't think I could take any hits right now. Aaron is one of my favorite people to be around. He makes me laugh and we have a good time together. He also "gets" me which is unusual. He's coming to my RMRG event on Saturday so we should have a good time.

I find out today if I get to keep the job I've been temping at for the last month. I really like it here and the people I work with are great. I'm really hoping I get it. Ya'll know how much I need it right now being on my own. There is a possibility of a roommate in the future so that would be awesome as well. I've been avoiding going home a lot lately (which is so unlike me because I love spending time at home with my dogs) because I hate going home to an empty house. I don't miss the guy, I miss the being with someone. I want to date and meet people but I just haven't been motivated enough. I've had invitations galore, but I think I'm not ready yet. I'm sure he's already moved on and not thinking about me, but I can't help still being a bit sad. Thank Dog for derby! Without it things would be a helluva lot worse!

Let's get down and derby, baby!

2006-01-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

So I had my first roller derby practice last night. I have never felt so damn uncoordinated in all of my life. It's been YEARS since I've been on skates and boy did it show. I wobbled my way out to the center of the rink, holding onto the walls for stability. And what was my first drill you ask? Learning to fall. Ummmm, hellloooo people, my plan was not to fall on my ass. All the newbies are falling around me and I just can not bring myself to fall on purpose. Finally our beatuiful trainer, Betsy Blackheart, grabs me by the hand and says, "We are going to fall together so I can help you overcome your fear." So she falls and pulls me with her. Damn! That wasn't so bad, what was I freaking out for? So I spent the rest of practice falling: single knee slide, double knee slide AKA the rockstar, four on the floor AKA doggystyle, and figure fours. I really need to spend some time skating so that I can get more confident on 8 wheels. I really had a blast though. All of the girls were so sweet and really excited that we were all there. I can't wait for practice on Sunday!!!

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!!!!

2006-01-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a shitty day from hell. I am so fucking sick of boys right now. I am seriously considering switching to girls for awhile. Gawd damn!!

First, that piece of shit that I just kicked out my house has been up my ass about some mail that he should be receiving here. No matter how many times I tell him that I'll fucking call him when it gets here, he still feels the need to either call me about it or ask someone to ask me about it. I'm about ready to shove that envelope up his sorry ass.

Then, that new boy that I really, really like... well things are a bit tense at the moment. First of all he is completely anti-social to the point of being a recluse. He won't do anything or go anywhere. Which is fine since most of the time I stay home anyway, but he won't even come to my house! However, now with derby starting I am much busier and have a lot more commitments. I invite him to go and he always turns me down, then he gets mad cause I've been too busy to hang out. I told him today that he is making it very difficult to be his friend and if he decides he wants to meet me halfway he can give me a call.

And then, a mutual friend of mine and the ex's is leaving the state. Tonight was his going away party. I hesitated about going cause I knew the ex would probably be there. So my girls called me and kept me posted about his whereabouts. I get the all clear, drive into the parking lot, and he pulls in right behind me. SONOFABITCH!!!!
I stayed five minutes, said goodbye to my friend and left.

I hate boys today.

Rockstars, drunks, and Odinists. OH MY!

2005-12-31T18:17:00.000-07:00

So I've been burning up myspace trying to meet new people. Notice I said trying. LOL Not to say I haven't met some new friends, they just know my old friends too.
I started a new job a few weeks ago and I have really connected with a girl that I work with. We are the same age, both have Yorkies, and are a lil bit punk rock. I went out a few Saturdays ago with my friend Gin, and we met up with some of the girls from the derby team. Gin is from out of state and recognized this guy at the bar. Come to find out that thye knew each other through a mutual friend in Gin's hometown. My new friend at work is this guy's best friend. We were at the same bar at the same time and didn't see each other.

Fast foward to this week when I met my very own Boondock Saint. Boondock is from Boston (gotta love that accent, very sexy) and sings in a local band. He invited me to come to his show last night, so I listened to some of his band's tracks and really got into it (his band is a mix of hardcore, punk, and hip hop). So I think of Gin, and call and ask her to come out with me. Turns out she knows Boondock!! Samll fucking world it is.

Then I meet this new guy, Infamous. He's got that smartass attitude that really trips my trigger. I just dig his anti-social style. We get to talking and it turns out that he grew up with two of my friends!! Good gawd!!

So last night a bunch of people met up at my house to go to Boondock's show and then to a local dive bar afterwards. Talk about an eclectic group of people, there were rockabilly girls, punk rockers, former skinheads, hip hoppers, artists, chefs, college boys, ex cons, and me. LOL

I had a total blast hanging out with everyone and being able to introduce one set of my friends to another and seeing them totally get along. We all want to hang out again soon. I've missed being able to hang out with my friends and not worry about the guy I'm with offending someone. I've missed being able to hang out and not have someone calling me 100 times to see what I'm doing. I had more fun last night then I have in a really long time.

On the boy front: I've met a few guys that I plan on going out on a date with. There is one in particular that I really, really like. Stay tuned for more details...

Can nice = naughty?

2005-12-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

Here's the rub, every girl wants what she can't have or doesn't exist. I know, I know, this news is so very shocking you must sit down and fan yourself before you succumb to shock. LOL

I have this impossible idea of what MY man should be:

A true gentleman - I want my door opened, my hand held, my honor defended in a dark alley, and to be walked to my car at night.

A romantic - I want flowers for no reason, gentle kisses, cuddling on the couch, and surprises that make me giggle.

An old fashioned traditionalism - I want him to mow the lawn, fix the car, bring home the bacon, take out the trash, and kill the bugs.

A dominant lover - I want to be "taken", my pleasure in pleasing him becomes his pleasure, I want him to call the shots, and I want to be wanted endlessly.

I don't think it should be so hard to find all of these things in one man, but it is. One of my biggest issues to date has been finding one or two of these things and then latching on hoping I can make him do the rest. It's like what men want from a woman, "Lady in the street and a freak in the sheets." I want the same thing in a man. I want a man I can take home to mama that will knock her socks off and have her asking me when we'll be making the "big commitment". I want a man that has me so sprung that I want him anytime, anywhere. I want a man that can kick some ass in a fight and that lets me see him cry when things are bad. I want a man that knows how to rebuild a carburetor and writes poetry. I want a M-A-N.

So because I'm looking for the bad boy with the soul of a poet I seem to not be attracted to truly decent guys. You know the ones, right ladies? The sweet, full of compliments, genuine all around good guy. Yeah, that good guy would meet most of what I want and more, but I wonder if he can really man-up when I need him to. Can he be aggressive enough in bed for me? Can he fight his own battles, especially when provoked? Will he make me feel like I belong to him and no one else?

I have decided to keep dating outside my box. Even though things did not work out before, I did learn a few things about who I am and what I really need. It's worth it to keep trying and not turn down anyone. I have two very nice guys that I am currently talking with. I enjoy our conversations tremendously. They both make me laugh and I feel comfortable. But I also feel like something could be missing with them. That carnal spark between a man and a woman that curls your toes and makes you weak in the knees. I also have someone that I think fits everything I could ask for and more, but I don't know if he thinks of me "that way". I guess we all just wait and see what unfolds...

Deleted

2005-12-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

It's strange how technology changes how one moves on to a new chapter. It used to be things like packing away photos and love letters. Now it's deleting them from your myspace, removing your comments, and deleting a blog that was entirely about how they made you feel. The final step in healing used to be putting away that last momento that you were holding on to with the hope that something someday would change. Now it's finally deleting that number from your cell phone knowing that you will never call it again.

I've done all these things and more. I have not shed a tear since the day he moved out. I'm ready to move foward now. I'm ready to start anew. Goodbye Michael. This is the last blog I will ever write about you.

Rocky Mountain Rollergirl

2005-12-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, my little darlings I have finally taken the big plunge.

I made my mind up and contacted those babes on four wheels and found out how I can become so damn fabulous myself.

I met with Jayne Manslaughter Saturday night and had a wonderful time. Practice starts January 2nd and I could not be more excited!

Now all I need to do is come up with a kickass derby name. Suggestions?

It was all lies.

2005-12-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

So Cabana Boy is almost gone. I have his keys, he has my money, and there are just a few more things for him collect tomorrow. I know deep down that I've made the right decision not just for me, but for him. It doesn't make it easier for me though. There were a lot of good things about our relationship that I will miss. My heart hurts so much right now. And to make it all worse he is as cold as ice. He just doesn't seem to care at all that this year of our lives is over. There was absolutely no emotion whatsoever from him tonight. No apologies. No pleas for forgiveness. No fuck yous. No have a nice life. No nothing.

Nothing.

That hurts most of all.

I guess all of this was just a big lie...

"and yes i want to be with you other wise i would not have worked my ass off to get this house for us.and yes some times it hard for me to talk to women because of my mom but ill try harder if you wana talk then you have to start it . because i wont nor will i fight because i have a pretty mean temper and it get me in to trouble . so look im in love with you.

you see you are the opposit of me wich is good for me cause it keeps me calm and if i did not want you in my life i would not have takin you to fl and let you quit youre job wat you need to understand is some tims i flirt and dont mean to and yes im streees out im the one who has to come up with the money for the bills and if i did not want to be wiyh you i would not try to promote you and youre hena love you stupid boy frinend"

Goodbye Cabana Boy. Hello New Start.

2005-12-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

So after thinking long and hard about sharing my break-up story I have decided to do so. One, because most of you that read here are friends. Two, because maybe someone will learn from my mistakes. And three, because it might make me feel a bit better to get this all off my chest.

As my faithful readers know Cabana Boy and I started dating the end of January. I spent so much time putting a wall up with him. (Clue #1 that things would not work out.) He kept persisting and saying all the right things, but again my gut instinct was not in it. (Clue #2) I started finding things out about him that he had either not been up front with or just flat out lied about. These things ranged from the small such as his dog’s biting behavior to the large like his ex-girlfriend being pregnant with his child. (Clue #3)
But the biggest obstacle of all was just how completely different we are. He is all about tattoos, extreme piercings, implants, suspensions, branding, scarification, etc. And while I love a man with tattoos, the extreme nature of his passion was a little too much for me to take. I constantly brought this up to him and he constantly reassured me that he loved me just as I was. Yet even in that reassurance the girls he flirted with were the “goth” or “punk” girl that I was not.

Things began to go downhill for us about a month ago. It started with a girl that had met him during the tattoo convention we both attended in August. She tracked him down on myspace and confessed her “crush” on him. They proceeded to have cyber sex and during the course of one of these “conversations” he told her that the only reason he was with me was because we were in a lease together. Now, I will admit that I was wrong to read his email, but he left it up and curiosity got the best of me. I confronted him about it and he said that wasn’t how he really felt. Yet to me why would he have chosen to say that exact thing if the thought had not crossed his mind. Our argument was very ugly. At first he wasn’t sure what he wanted out of life or if he wanted me to be a part of his finding out. At that point I told him that we should break up then. I deserve to be with someone that is in love with me and that wants to be with me. After making that decision (and having half a bottle of vodka) reality of my situation stepped in. I had given everything up for this man, my independence, my apartment, and my job. If we were to break up I would not only lose my boyfriend, but I would be homeless and broke as well. A lot of tears, drunken rambling, a lot of throwing up and a little bit of destruction later I passed out. I awoke the next morning sheepish and embarrassed by my behavior. He did agree that we should try and stay together and work things out.

I thought things were going well between us. We were laughing again. We had some really great sex. He seemed to be content with our lifestyle once more. Unfortunately, I had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. Once again he was cybering with someone he had met on myspace. This time however, instead of living thousands of miles away she was at my own backdoor. I found out on Sunday that he invited her to our home for Wednesday while I was to be working. She had told him time and time again that she was not interested in having sex, yet he was so persistent in his requests. He wanted to take her to a fetish store, he wanted to give her oral sex in a car, and he wanted to screw her in an alleyway. It was all just too much to take. I confronted him and he didn’t even bother to deny it. I asked him if he didn’t want to be with me, why wouldn’t he just tell me? He said that it wasn’t a matter of not wanting to be with me, so much as his wanting more “excitement and adventure”. At that point with not an ounce of trust left I asked him to leave.

Asking him to move out was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It has only been a few days, but already so much makes me miss him. Stupid things like watching the Amazing Race finale or one of the dogs doing something funny. There are many times I think about calling him and telling him all is forgiven and to come back home. But then I think about how much it hurt that he truly does not love me. And I think about just how wrong we really are for each other. So I never pick up the phone.

Things between CB and I have been uglier then I would have liked during this transition time, but it should all be over by this weekend. I am giving myself the rest of this month to be sad, but I want to start 2006 out with a new attitude.

If I could tell him anything it would be this:
I really did love you. I truly cared about your well being, your son, your passions, your friends, and your dreams. I was willing to share my life with no matter how different we were or how much we squabbled. I wish that you were able to see the good in front of you and be happy with what you have. I know in my heart that you will never be happy or satisfied with anyone or anything until you “get right”. I hope that one day you figure that out before it’s too late. Goodbye.

Wildwood Flower

2005-12-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, I'll twine with my mingles and waving black hair
With the roses so red and the lilies so fair
And the myrtle so bright with the emerald dew
The pale and the leader and eyes look like blue.

Oh I'll dance, I will sing and my laugh shall be gay
I will charm every heart, in his crown I will sway
When I woke from my dreaming, my idols was clay
All portion of love had all flown away.

Oh he taught me to love him and promised to love
And to cherish me over all others above
How my heart is now wond'ring no mis'ry can tell
He's left me no warning, no words of farewell.

Oh, he taught me to love him and called me his flow'r
Tha's blooming to cheer him through life's dreary hour
Oh, I long to see him and regret the dark hour
He's gone and neglected this pale wildwood flow'r.

You nailed it June. Now if I could only find a Man In Black of my very own...

And so it goes.....

2005-12-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

The Cabana Boy and I are through. I am single once again. It didn't end pretty, but it wasn't as ugly as it could have been. Maybe someday soon I'll feel up to blogging about it, but right now all I want to do is curl up with my puppies and have a good cry.

When is enough enough?

2005-12-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

At what point does a person say to themselves that to continue on their current path is akin to committing suicide of the soul?

When does one realize that they are being a glutton for punishment?

Why does one take and take while the other gives and gives until there is nothing left?

How can one constantly disrespect, dishonor, and disconnect from one that they claim to love?

What will it take for one to finally take a stand and make a choice?

Where will the line be drawn in the sand?

I think I know...

I'm insatiable...

2005-11-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

when it comes to sex.
The more I get the more I want.
The less I get the more I want.
I don't want just one orgasm,
I want multiples.
I don't want 15 minutes,
I want an hour of your undivided attention.
I don't just want sex once a night,
I want to be awoken to the feeling of you sliding inside me.

I want
I want
I want

*sigh*

Internet Infidelity

2005-11-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

In today's society with all things online it makes it harder and harder to have hard and firm relationship boundaries. If the act doesn't involve physical contact is it still cheating? Apparently, according to some, having an online relationship is having an "emotional affair". I think I believe that to some degree. Unless the topic of online play has been discussed in a relationship it can definitely feel like betrayal. Especially when the "other woman" knows of your existance and does everything in her power to entice online. Or what about the significant other that turns every innocent conversation with a member of the opposite sex into something sexual? For example, telling her how hot she is, would she ever consider having sex with him, what kinds of sex does she like, etc.

I personally find it all so damn frustrating. Over and over I see married men trolling online for play. Why not play online with their wife? Send her a naughty email or start up a raunchy IM conversation. If one of you doesn't have access to the internet during the day give her a quickie style phone call or send a naughty text message. Or maybe it is the thrill of the chase that he's missing. Maybe he's just looking for someone to feed his ego. I really don't know.

The hard part for me personally is that I met Cabana Boy online. Our relationship started out as meaningless online play. Then we moved to phone calls and naughty IM's. Then we met and the rest is history. In the beginning of my fun with Cabana Boy I had no intention of EVER meeting him in person. He wasn't my type. Honestly, his picture on myspace frightened me a bit. Then as I got to know him I started to fall for his charm. The one day after two weeks of asking me to fuck him in his piercing room he decides that our first time needs to be more special since he is developing feelings for me. And there I was meeting a guy I swore I would never meet cause it was just "fun". And that right there is what makes me nervous about him "playing around online". Because I know that despite the best intentions that something real can develop in the cyber world. I know that not only did I meet Cabana Boy online, but I have also forged friendships online that have lead to life long relationships. I've traveled thousands of miles to meet someone that I had only ever typed to before. So don't ask me not to be upset about things said online. I KNOW they have meaning behind them. Don't ask me to turn the other cheek when you flirt with every girl that isn't me online. Don't ask me not to worry when the only girls you look at online are the ones that I'm not. And don't treat me like I'm overreacting because you and I both know that things said online can sometimes come true.

I had a dream about you last night

2005-11-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

We were in the middle of a crowd, hadn't seen each other in ages, I saw you first, my cheeks flushed at the thought of us together. Your eyes meet mine, first in confusion, then surprise, and finally lust. You maneuver your way through the sea of people and reach for my hand. I'm timid at first, butterflies in my belly and my heart racing. We embrace as old friends and the standard questions emerge, how have you been, what are you up to now, do you remember the time we. You ask where I'm headed to and I ask where you've been. I know that time doesn't matter when it comes to the two of us. I whisper to you that I'm on my way home. You ask if you may walk me there. I nod yes as you take my hand and we begin to walk. Each step brings memories of laughter shared, secrets revealed, truths told, and passion ignited. When we reach my front door, you ask to come in. I say yes. You ask to be part of life once more. I say yes. You ask me to forgive you. I say yes. You ask me if I still love you. I say yes. You ask me to spend my life with you. I say yes.

And then my dream ends. I wake with a sense of emptiness because you aren't there beside me. I wonder if wherever you are if you are dreaming of me. I wonder what if...

Contradictions

2005-10-05T00:52:00.000-06:00

I love you
but
I don't trust you

I miss you when you're gone
but
you drive me crazy when we're together

I want the life we are choosing to make together
but
I'm afraid we are too different to make it last

Life is such a contradiction
but
who said it was supposed to be easy?

Random Thoughts

2005-09-30T23:11:00.000-06:00

Hello my lovelies. Life has been one big rollercoaster ride for me lately and I've not been online much. Here's a quick update...

On the professional note, I have quit my 9-5 job. It's quite scary having to depend on the Cabana Boy for everything, but we are trying to open a tattoo shop. I want to get a part time gig until the shop is up and running though. I was thinking something easy like retail or nannying. I have also started my own side business doing henna and glitter tattoos. Can anyone help me start a website for that? So far that is going well. I am working on my skills and have actually been paid for my work. WOOHOO!! I also made it on the local news doing henna at a hurricane relief benefit. That would have been so awesome had I not looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, yet I digress.

On the relationship note, things have been rocky for CB and I. We have a hard time communicating on a good day and when we are both stressed we just seem to bicker constantly. The good news is that neither one of us is ready to give up. He met my dad while we were on vacation in Florida last month and didn't run away screaming so that is always a good sign.

On the emotional note, well things have been better. Depression has been hanging over me like a dark cloud. It has been very hard for me to be motivated about anything lately. With all this free time it makes it easy for me to dwell on the past and everything that is wrong with the now. I'm not sure how to fix myself yet, but I am searching for answers. This blog really helps me vent, so thank you to all of those who read my crap. LOL
I am extremely lucky to have begun a new friendship with a gorgeous tattooed vixen. She is a wonderful addition to my fabulous family of friends.

So now you are caught up on all things Bex. I promise to write again soon. TTFN