So I barely walk in my front door last night and my cell phone rings. I reach to answer it and whoever it is hangs up. I check the number and it's not one I recognize so I shrug it off. Then my home phone rings. It's a landscaping company. My heart skips a beat. It's the ex. A thousand emotions are racing through me, fear, anxiety, curiosity, anger. He starts to fill me in on his last few months since we have not spoken since the parking lot incident. I listen and keep wondering why he even felt the need to call at all. What is it that he wants from me? He made it perfectly clear before that he didn't want a relationship with me and he damn sure didn't give a shit about me as a friend. So why keep calling?
It was a fairly long conversation, maybe half an hour. I got off the phone feeling confused and just generally upset. He dropped some hints that I wasn't sure how to take. I don't know if he's just fucking with me or if he is trying to tell me the truth without actually coming clean about it. I just don't know what to do about it. Do I confront it head-on or do I just blow it off?
After getting off the phone with the ex I immediately called the Cabana Boy. He listened for a moment and then said we would talk about it when he got home. That kinda pissed me off. It was a big deal to me and he was blowing me off in favor of Chinese food. CB called back about an hour later and wanted to talk, so we did. He offered me no advice, no comfort, no nothing. I took a bath to try and relax. It didn't work. I was sitting on my bed in my towel when CB surprised me by coming home early. I wanted to be happy about that but I wasn't. He is horrible when it comes to making me feel better when I'm upset. That is when I need him to hold me and make me feel secure in my relationship with him. He wants to tickle and play around and that just makes me feel worse and even more isolated from him.
I guess that is why the call from the ex bothered me so much. Because I am so insecure in my relationship with CB. I have no idea where we stand. It would have been so much different if I could've said to him, "Things with CB are great. We are happy and in love."
But I can't say that. I don't know it to be true. And therein lies the dilemma.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
I've completely lost focus.
I have been totally blowing off school this semester. I would much rather spend my time screwing around with the Cabana Boy then writing a lit paper, taking a geography quiz, reading my history, or studying our government.
It's totally my fault though. I always want to do the fun things instead of the things I should be doing. No more though. I am buckling down and busting my ass for the rest of the semester. If I can pull a C out of all my classes then they won't cancel my financial aid and I can continue going to school next semester.
The whole point of going back to school was so I could have a career I love and am inspired by rather then a job I loathe that pays the bills. Unfortunately, this job that I loathe is coming to an end. I have been treated like I am stupid by my boss for the last time. I am agressively pursuing other opportunities now. I've always had my eye out for something more "me", but now I really just need to find a job where I am respected for everything I do.
So my goals for the next 3 months are as follows:
1. Complete the semester with a 2.0 or greater GPA.
2. Find a new job.
3. Find a house to rent for me, the Cabana Boy, the Pool Boy, and all of our four-legged children.
4. Get my finances in order.
5. Start a savings account so I have a little something for a rainy day.
6. Spend more time with my friends.
7. Take more time to take care of me.
8. Start my new CASA case.
9. Eat better and drink more water.
10. Plan a vacation for the end of summer.
If I can accomplish all of those tasks I will be well on my way back to me. And maybe I will even be less cranky/sad/stressed too.
It's totally my fault though. I always want to do the fun things instead of the things I should be doing. No more though. I am buckling down and busting my ass for the rest of the semester. If I can pull a C out of all my classes then they won't cancel my financial aid and I can continue going to school next semester.
The whole point of going back to school was so I could have a career I love and am inspired by rather then a job I loathe that pays the bills. Unfortunately, this job that I loathe is coming to an end. I have been treated like I am stupid by my boss for the last time. I am agressively pursuing other opportunities now. I've always had my eye out for something more "me", but now I really just need to find a job where I am respected for everything I do.
So my goals for the next 3 months are as follows:
1. Complete the semester with a 2.0 or greater GPA.
2. Find a new job.
3. Find a house to rent for me, the Cabana Boy, the Pool Boy, and all of our four-legged children.
4. Get my finances in order.
5. Start a savings account so I have a little something for a rainy day.
6. Spend more time with my friends.
7. Take more time to take care of me.
8. Start my new CASA case.
9. Eat better and drink more water.
10. Plan a vacation for the end of summer.
If I can accomplish all of those tasks I will be well on my way back to me. And maybe I will even be less cranky/sad/stressed too.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
New Puppy
This is so late in coming, but I have not been in the blogging mood as of late. A few weeks ago the lovely Cabana Boy deceided that we needed another dog because the 4 we already have between us isn't enough. Not only that but we needed another big dog because the 2 American Bulldogs and the Pitbull aren't enough big dogs. So we look in the paper at all the dogs available and he tells me to call on a few of them. I really wanted a Chihuahua. I already have a 3lb Yorkie and I wanted something that would be close to her size so she would have a snuggle buddy.
So later that day we end up going to look at an American Bulldog/English Mastiff mix. Once we get there we are told there is also an American Bulldog/Great DAne mix available as well. So we play with both dogs, and CB look at me and says, "Which one do you like better?"
"The Dane mix because she's friendlier."
So he buys her for me. Just like that. Her name is Madison and at 6 months old she is already weighing in at around 70 lbs.
We get her home and she is completely glued to me. She thinks she is a lap dog. All she wants to do is snuggle up. I fell in love with her immediately. That is until we realized that her previous owner had trained her to only go potty in her kennel. She has no idea what to do outside, she can't walk on a leash, and she knows no commands. There is absolutely no way I can handle her. She's crazy. I tell him that he needs to take her to his house and let his other dogs help train her. This idea is cemented when I get home from work the second night we had her.
I come home and Diva the Wonder Dog is standing in the middle of the living room with her head down and tail between her legs. I look around and she has done nothing wrong. I go to let Madison out of the guest bathroom and Diva takes off. I open the door and OH MY FUCKING GOD. This dog has shit in the bathroom. Not only did she shit and piss in there but she has spread it EVERYWHERE. The floor, counter, tub, walls, and door are covered in shit. And there she sits tail wagging. I call the CB and tell him that I am bringing the dog to him NOW. I can't handle her and he better come up and help me clean this mess up. My poor bathroom will never be the same. Did I mention that no one lived in my apartment before me and that it was BRAND NEW when I moved in? Disgusting.
Madison lets me give her a sponge bath and I put her in the car and head down to CB's shop. We take her to his house and explain to his roommate the situation. Flash foward to now and Madison is doing so much better. CB's roommate has worked wonders with her. I saw her last Saturday and she was already more relaxed and playful. She remembered me too. :) She's going potty outside now and he is working on getting her leash trained. Maybe in another few weeks she can spend the weekends with me. But I'm keeping her out of the bathroom! LOL
So later that day we end up going to look at an American Bulldog/English Mastiff mix. Once we get there we are told there is also an American Bulldog/Great DAne mix available as well. So we play with both dogs, and CB look at me and says, "Which one do you like better?"
"The Dane mix because she's friendlier."
So he buys her for me. Just like that. Her name is Madison and at 6 months old she is already weighing in at around 70 lbs.
We get her home and she is completely glued to me. She thinks she is a lap dog. All she wants to do is snuggle up. I fell in love with her immediately. That is until we realized that her previous owner had trained her to only go potty in her kennel. She has no idea what to do outside, she can't walk on a leash, and she knows no commands. There is absolutely no way I can handle her. She's crazy. I tell him that he needs to take her to his house and let his other dogs help train her. This idea is cemented when I get home from work the second night we had her.
I come home and Diva the Wonder Dog is standing in the middle of the living room with her head down and tail between her legs. I look around and she has done nothing wrong. I go to let Madison out of the guest bathroom and Diva takes off. I open the door and OH MY FUCKING GOD. This dog has shit in the bathroom. Not only did she shit and piss in there but she has spread it EVERYWHERE. The floor, counter, tub, walls, and door are covered in shit. And there she sits tail wagging. I call the CB and tell him that I am bringing the dog to him NOW. I can't handle her and he better come up and help me clean this mess up. My poor bathroom will never be the same. Did I mention that no one lived in my apartment before me and that it was BRAND NEW when I moved in? Disgusting.
Madison lets me give her a sponge bath and I put her in the car and head down to CB's shop. We take her to his house and explain to his roommate the situation. Flash foward to now and Madison is doing so much better. CB's roommate has worked wonders with her. I saw her last Saturday and she was already more relaxed and playful. She remembered me too. :) She's going potty outside now and he is working on getting her leash trained. Maybe in another few weeks she can spend the weekends with me. But I'm keeping her out of the bathroom! LOL
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
It's Roller Derby Baby
I am seriously considering becoming a Rocky Mountain Rollergirl. I think beating the shit outta people while wearing a skirt sounds like too much fun. Plus all that skating would really get my JLO butt bumpin. The only thing I'm worried about is getting seriously hurt. I can handle a few bumps and bruises, but I value all my bones being in one piece. Still, I am intrigued enough to call the captain and chat with her a bit. I definately want to go check out some matches and maybe skate around with them a bit. I haven't been on skates since the rollerblading incident of 1999. Maybe I should dust off my wheels this weekend and hit the bike path.
Rocky Mountain Rollergirls
Rocky Mountain Rollergirls
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Anxiety and Insecurity
Did you ever have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something bad is going to happen because things are going too well in your life? I kinda feel that way today. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I just feel super anxious. I'm all jittery and I have all of the Butterfly Pavillion's residents visiting my stomach. Plus that just seems to be my pattern, really good is always followed by really bad. I know that the good times seem better because the hard times have been ridden out, but for once I would like to know what it feels like to have a drama free life, to just be happy with myself and the ones that I love. I think this feeling is coming from my relationship insecurites with the Cabana Boy. He is so wonderful that I am waiting to see what is wrong with him. Does that make any sense at all? It's like he is too good to be true. Maybe I only feel this way because I've only experienced heartbreak when it comes to men.
I've loved three men in my dating life, my first love that I just realized I let go of a long time ago, my ex fiancee who was the first man to show me kindness and romance, and my punk rock chef that showed me what a true honest relationship is like.
My frist love lied, stole, and cheated me out of everything and everyone I cared about. He broke me down emotionally so that I felt he was my only option. It took a lot of years to let him go and move on, and now that I have I really feel like I am in a relationship now with a completely open heart.
My ex fiancee was the first man to bring me flowers just because, he spoiled me rotton. He was also the first man that I lived with. He was successful, charming, romantic, loving, and generous. He also cheated on me for a year with two other women. That really hit me hard as I felt that I had been living with a stranger for 2 years, that I had been living one big lie. In the the end though, I was relieved that I hadn't married him because while I loved him, he wasn't the "one".
My sweet chef, I can not say a single bad thing about him. We just had bad timing. For some reason I never felt insecure or jealous at all with him. We were always completely honest with each other. For instance, there was one night that we were just chatting and he had come from a work related party. He told me that there had been a waitress that he had been interested in and by the time he was single she had quit. He told me she had been at the party and he had spoken to her. He told me that if she had been single he would have been interested in asking her out. At that point we agreed that if either one of us wanted to see someone else we would let the other know before we did anything. Not that making that agreement didn't break my heart just a little cause I wanted him to only be interested in me, but I knew that he needed his freedom at the time. We never did see anyone else until we stopped seeing each other and he is the only ex I would ever consider dating again.
So in order to put my restless mind at ease I decided to ask my CB a few questions last night as we were laying in bed.
"Baby, have you read my blog lately?"
"No. I'll read it tomorrow."
"Baby, have you ever cheated on anyone?"
"No."
"What do you consider cheating?"
"Consensual sex including kissing. Why are you asking me this stuff?"
"I dunno. This whole thing with my cousin got me thinking about cheating and stuff. Baby, are we exclusive?"
"Of course we are. Why are you being so weird?"
"Because you are so wonderful that I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with you."
And he is wonderful. There are a multitude of little things he does that melt my heart.
*He calls me just to say hi.
*He holds my hand wherever we go.
*He makes me laugh.
*He drives one hour just to see me.
*He loves my annoying little dog.
*He lets me whine when I'm not getting my way.
*He helps me clean up the world's biggest dog mess at midnight after he's worked all day. He actually got down on his hands and knees and scrubbed the floor.
*He surprises me by coming home early and taking a Sunday off.
*He is nice ot my friends and family.
*He doesn't get mad at me when I'm having a jealous/insecure moment.
*He takes care of me in ways I didn't know I needed.
*He has no problem with PDA as he likes to stick his hands in my back pockets and pinch my ass.
A friend of mine sent me this quote today, "She who is brave is free." I am going the brave route and taking that blind leap of faith. Whatever happens is meant to be and I can't change the course of fate. Now if someone would just tell that to my belly...
I've loved three men in my dating life, my first love that I just realized I let go of a long time ago, my ex fiancee who was the first man to show me kindness and romance, and my punk rock chef that showed me what a true honest relationship is like.
My frist love lied, stole, and cheated me out of everything and everyone I cared about. He broke me down emotionally so that I felt he was my only option. It took a lot of years to let him go and move on, and now that I have I really feel like I am in a relationship now with a completely open heart.
My ex fiancee was the first man to bring me flowers just because, he spoiled me rotton. He was also the first man that I lived with. He was successful, charming, romantic, loving, and generous. He also cheated on me for a year with two other women. That really hit me hard as I felt that I had been living with a stranger for 2 years, that I had been living one big lie. In the the end though, I was relieved that I hadn't married him because while I loved him, he wasn't the "one".
My sweet chef, I can not say a single bad thing about him. We just had bad timing. For some reason I never felt insecure or jealous at all with him. We were always completely honest with each other. For instance, there was one night that we were just chatting and he had come from a work related party. He told me that there had been a waitress that he had been interested in and by the time he was single she had quit. He told me she had been at the party and he had spoken to her. He told me that if she had been single he would have been interested in asking her out. At that point we agreed that if either one of us wanted to see someone else we would let the other know before we did anything. Not that making that agreement didn't break my heart just a little cause I wanted him to only be interested in me, but I knew that he needed his freedom at the time. We never did see anyone else until we stopped seeing each other and he is the only ex I would ever consider dating again.
So in order to put my restless mind at ease I decided to ask my CB a few questions last night as we were laying in bed.
"Baby, have you read my blog lately?"
"No. I'll read it tomorrow."
"Baby, have you ever cheated on anyone?"
"No."
"What do you consider cheating?"
"Consensual sex including kissing. Why are you asking me this stuff?"
"I dunno. This whole thing with my cousin got me thinking about cheating and stuff. Baby, are we exclusive?"
"Of course we are. Why are you being so weird?"
"Because you are so wonderful that I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with you."
And he is wonderful. There are a multitude of little things he does that melt my heart.
*He calls me just to say hi.
*He holds my hand wherever we go.
*He makes me laugh.
*He drives one hour just to see me.
*He loves my annoying little dog.
*He lets me whine when I'm not getting my way.
*He helps me clean up the world's biggest dog mess at midnight after he's worked all day. He actually got down on his hands and knees and scrubbed the floor.
*He surprises me by coming home early and taking a Sunday off.
*He is nice ot my friends and family.
*He doesn't get mad at me when I'm having a jealous/insecure moment.
*He takes care of me in ways I didn't know I needed.
*He has no problem with PDA as he likes to stick his hands in my back pockets and pinch my ass.
A friend of mine sent me this quote today, "She who is brave is free." I am going the brave route and taking that blind leap of faith. Whatever happens is meant to be and I can't change the course of fate. Now if someone would just tell that to my belly...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
