I got it bad

Did you ever just want something?

I want a lot of different things at different times. Most of the time the desire passes and I move on to something or someone new. Not the case now though. I have had a crush on someone for the last two years. I go through phases of wanting him BAD. We flirt, speak in innuendo, and dance around the elephant in the room. Neither one of us has ever really crossed the invisible line and said, "Hey. I like you. Let's be more then friends."

I came really close to saying those words though. I was a bit tipsy one night and it almost came out. I didn't though. I am so afraid of losing the friendship I have with him. He makes me smile when I'm sad and is ready to kick any one's ass that hurts me. He has been a great friend to me and put up with my crap. I don't want that to go away. At the same time though, I think he would make a great boyfriend (sometimes). When we first met, he was in a relationship and I never thought of him 'like that". Then a few months later he was single and a man-ho. He was really playing the field. This is when we really started spending time together. I would go to his work and just hang out. He was my "date" for anything that required it. Then I started messing around with someone and he got a girlfriend. We started to drift apart until the shit hit the fan. Next thing I know I am crying on his shoulder and he is venting to me about the psycho he just had to have arrested.

So there we were. Back to the flirting and not saying anything. Then, just when I think I might say something he says he has a new girlfriend. Things changed between us for awhile. We talked less. Anything we said was just polite conversation between friends.

In recent weeks though, things have gone back to the way they were. He's flirting again. The innuendo is in full force. He talked to a mutual friend about me. He said my emails "brighten his day". She said it felt like she was talking to my boyfriend. That's how well he knows me though. He's more then a casual acquaintance. I know I can call him at 2am and he would be there for me. It's weird because he still has a girlfriend. I like her, and would never want to come between anyone in a relationship. Whenever I try to bring her up though I get a one word answer and the subject gets changed. He will not talk about her. Good or bad. To me, that's not the sign of a happy home.

Maybe if he is ever single again I will think about telling him how I feel. Until then, I just have to keep thinking of him as only my friend. Even when he makes it hard on me.

So in answer to his question today, I am feeling more then naughty. You've got me feeling downright F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D.