Rockstars, drunks, and Odinists. OH MY!

So I've been burning up myspace trying to meet new people. Notice I said trying. LOL Not to say I haven't met some new friends, they just know my old friends too.
I started a new job a few weeks ago and I have really connected with a girl that I work with. We are the same age, both have Yorkies, and are a lil bit punk rock. I went out a few Saturdays ago with my friend Gin, and we met up with some of the girls from the derby team. Gin is from out of state and recognized this guy at the bar. Come to find out that thye knew each other through a mutual friend in Gin's hometown. My new friend at work is this guy's best friend. We were at the same bar at the same time and didn't see each other.

Fast foward to this week when I met my very own Boondock Saint. Boondock is from Boston (gotta love that accent, very sexy) and sings in a local band. He invited me to come to his show last night, so I listened to some of his band's tracks and really got into it (his band is a mix of hardcore, punk, and hip hop). So I think of Gin, and call and ask her to come out with me. Turns out she knows Boondock!! Samll fucking world it is.

Then I meet this new guy, Infamous. He's got that smartass attitude that really trips my trigger. I just dig his anti-social style. We get to talking and it turns out that he grew up with two of my friends!! Good gawd!!

So last night a bunch of people met up at my house to go to Boondock's show and then to a local dive bar afterwards. Talk about an eclectic group of people, there were rockabilly girls, punk rockers, former skinheads, hip hoppers, artists, chefs, college boys, ex cons, and me. LOL

I had a total blast hanging out with everyone and being able to introduce one set of my friends to another and seeing them totally get along. We all want to hang out again soon. I've missed being able to hang out with my friends and not worry about the guy I'm with offending someone. I've missed being able to hang out and not have someone calling me 100 times to see what I'm doing. I had more fun last night then I have in a really long time.

On the boy front: I've met a few guys that I plan on going out on a date with. There is one in particular that I really, really like. Stay tuned for more details...

Can nice = naughty?

Here's the rub, every girl wants what she can't have or doesn't exist. I know, I know, this news is so very shocking you must sit down and fan yourself before you succumb to shock. LOL

I have this impossible idea of what MY man should be:

A true gentleman - I want my door opened, my hand held, my honor defended in a dark alley, and to be walked to my car at night.

A romantic - I want flowers for no reason, gentle kisses, cuddling on the couch, and surprises that make me giggle.

An old fashioned traditionalism - I want him to mow the lawn, fix the car, bring home the bacon, take out the trash, and kill the bugs.

A dominant lover - I want to be "taken", my pleasure in pleasing him becomes his pleasure, I want him to call the shots, and I want to be wanted endlessly.

I don't think it should be so hard to find all of these things in one man, but it is. One of my biggest issues to date has been finding one or two of these things and then latching on hoping I can make him do the rest. It's like what men want from a woman, "Lady in the street and a freak in the sheets." I want the same thing in a man. I want a man I can take home to mama that will knock her socks off and have her asking me when we'll be making the "big commitment". I want a man that has me so sprung that I want him anytime, anywhere. I want a man that can kick some ass in a fight and that lets me see him cry when things are bad. I want a man that knows how to rebuild a carburetor and writes poetry. I want a M-A-N.

So because I'm looking for the bad boy with the soul of a poet I seem to not be attracted to truly decent guys. You know the ones, right ladies? The sweet, full of compliments, genuine all around good guy. Yeah, that good guy would meet most of what I want and more, but I wonder if he can really man-up when I need him to. Can he be aggressive enough in bed for me? Can he fight his own battles, especially when provoked? Will he make me feel like I belong to him and no one else?

I have decided to keep dating outside my box. Even though things did not work out before, I did learn a few things about who I am and what I really need. It's worth it to keep trying and not turn down anyone. I have two very nice guys that I am currently talking with. I enjoy our conversations tremendously. They both make me laugh and I feel comfortable. But I also feel like something could be missing with them. That carnal spark between a man and a woman that curls your toes and makes you weak in the knees. I also have someone that I think fits everything I could ask for and more, but I don't know if he thinks of me "that way". I guess we all just wait and see what unfolds...

Deleted

It's strange how technology changes how one moves on to a new chapter. It used to be things like packing away photos and love letters. Now it's deleting them from your myspace, removing your comments, and deleting a blog that was entirely about how they made you feel. The final step in healing used to be putting away that last momento that you were holding on to with the hope that something someday would change. Now it's finally deleting that number from your cell phone knowing that you will never call it again.

I've done all these things and more. I have not shed a tear since the day he moved out. I'm ready to move foward now. I'm ready to start anew. Goodbye Michael. This is the last blog I will ever write about you.

Rocky Mountain Rollergirl

Yes, my little darlings I have finally taken the big plunge.

I made my mind up and contacted those babes on four wheels and found out how I can become so damn fabulous myself.

I met with Jayne Manslaughter Saturday night and had a wonderful time. Practice starts January 2nd and I could not be more excited!

Now all I need to do is come up with a kickass derby name. Suggestions?

It was all lies.

So Cabana Boy is almost gone. I have his keys, he has my money, and there are just a few more things for him collect tomorrow. I know deep down that I've made the right decision not just for me, but for him. It doesn't make it easier for me though. There were a lot of good things about our relationship that I will miss. My heart hurts so much right now. And to make it all worse he is as cold as ice. He just doesn't seem to care at all that this year of our lives is over. There was absolutely no emotion whatsoever from him tonight. No apologies. No pleas for forgiveness. No fuck yous. No have a nice life. No nothing.

Nothing.

That hurts most of all.

I guess all of this was just a big lie...

"and yes i want to be with you other wise i would not have worked my ass off to get this house for us.and yes some times it hard for me to talk to women because of my mom but ill try harder if you wana talk then you have to start it . because i wont nor will i fight because i have a pretty mean temper and it get me in to trouble . so look im in love with you.

you see you are the opposit of me wich is good for me cause it keeps me calm and if i did not want you in my life i would not have takin you to fl and let you quit youre job wat you need to understand is some tims i flirt and dont mean to and yes im streees out im the one who has to come up with the money for the bills and if i did not want to be wiyh you i would not try to promote you and youre hena love you stupid boy frinend"

Goodbye Cabana Boy. Hello New Start.

So after thinking long and hard about sharing my break-up story I have decided to do so. One, because most of you that read here are friends. Two, because maybe someone will learn from my mistakes. And three, because it might make me feel a bit better to get this all off my chest.

As my faithful readers know Cabana Boy and I started dating the end of January. I spent so much time putting a wall up with him. (Clue #1 that things would not work out.) He kept persisting and saying all the right things, but again my gut instinct was not in it. (Clue #2) I started finding things out about him that he had either not been up front with or just flat out lied about. These things ranged from the small such as his dog’s biting behavior to the large like his ex-girlfriend being pregnant with his child. (Clue #3)
But the biggest obstacle of all was just how completely different we are. He is all about tattoos, extreme piercings, implants, suspensions, branding, scarification, etc. And while I love a man with tattoos, the extreme nature of his passion was a little too much for me to take. I constantly brought this up to him and he constantly reassured me that he loved me just as I was. Yet even in that reassurance the girls he flirted with were the “goth” or “punk” girl that I was not.

Things began to go downhill for us about a month ago. It started with a girl that had met him during the tattoo convention we both attended in August. She tracked him down on myspace and confessed her “crush” on him. They proceeded to have cyber sex and during the course of one of these “conversations” he told her that the only reason he was with me was because we were in a lease together. Now, I will admit that I was wrong to read his email, but he left it up and curiosity got the best of me. I confronted him about it and he said that wasn’t how he really felt. Yet to me why would he have chosen to say that exact thing if the thought had not crossed his mind. Our argument was very ugly. At first he wasn’t sure what he wanted out of life or if he wanted me to be a part of his finding out. At that point I told him that we should break up then. I deserve to be with someone that is in love with me and that wants to be with me. After making that decision (and having half a bottle of vodka) reality of my situation stepped in. I had given everything up for this man, my independence, my apartment, and my job. If we were to break up I would not only lose my boyfriend, but I would be homeless and broke as well. A lot of tears, drunken rambling, a lot of throwing up and a little bit of destruction later I passed out. I awoke the next morning sheepish and embarrassed by my behavior. He did agree that we should try and stay together and work things out.

I thought things were going well between us. We were laughing again. We had some really great sex. He seemed to be content with our lifestyle once more. Unfortunately, I had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. Once again he was cybering with someone he had met on myspace. This time however, instead of living thousands of miles away she was at my own backdoor. I found out on Sunday that he invited her to our home for Wednesday while I was to be working. She had told him time and time again that she was not interested in having sex, yet he was so persistent in his requests. He wanted to take her to a fetish store, he wanted to give her oral sex in a car, and he wanted to screw her in an alleyway. It was all just too much to take. I confronted him and he didn’t even bother to deny it. I asked him if he didn’t want to be with me, why wouldn’t he just tell me? He said that it wasn’t a matter of not wanting to be with me, so much as his wanting more “excitement and adventure”. At that point with not an ounce of trust left I asked him to leave.

Asking him to move out was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It has only been a few days, but already so much makes me miss him. Stupid things like watching the Amazing Race finale or one of the dogs doing something funny. There are many times I think about calling him and telling him all is forgiven and to come back home. But then I think about how much it hurt that he truly does not love me. And I think about just how wrong we really are for each other. So I never pick up the phone.

Things between CB and I have been uglier then I would have liked during this transition time, but it should all be over by this weekend. I am giving myself the rest of this month to be sad, but I want to start 2006 out with a new attitude.

If I could tell him anything it would be this:
I really did love you. I truly cared about your well being, your son, your passions, your friends, and your dreams. I was willing to share my life with no matter how different we were or how much we squabbled. I wish that you were able to see the good in front of you and be happy with what you have. I know in my heart that you will never be happy or satisfied with anyone or anything until you “get right”. I hope that one day you figure that out before it’s too late. Goodbye.

Wildwood Flower

Oh, I'll twine with my mingles and waving black hair
With the roses so red and the lilies so fair
And the myrtle so bright with the emerald dew
The pale and the leader and eyes look like blue.

Oh I'll dance, I will sing and my laugh shall be gay
I will charm every heart, in his crown I will sway
When I woke from my dreaming, my idols was clay
All portion of love had all flown away.

Oh he taught me to love him and promised to love
And to cherish me over all others above
How my heart is now wond'ring no mis'ry can tell
He's left me no warning, no words of farewell.

Oh, he taught me to love him and called me his flow'r
Tha's blooming to cheer him through life's dreary hour
Oh, I long to see him and regret the dark hour
He's gone and neglected this pale wildwood flow'r.




You nailed it June. Now if I could only find a Man In Black of my very own...

And so it goes.....

The Cabana Boy and I are through. I am single once again. It didn't end pretty, but it wasn't as ugly as it could have been. Maybe someday soon I'll feel up to blogging about it, but right now all I want to do is curl up with my puppies and have a good cry.

When is enough enough?

At what point does a person say to themselves that to continue on their current path is akin to committing suicide of the soul?

When does one realize that they are being a glutton for punishment?

Why does one take and take while the other gives and gives until there is nothing left?

How can one constantly disrespect, dishonor, and disconnect from one that they claim to love?

What will it take for one to finally take a stand and make a choice?

Where will the line be drawn in the sand?




I think I know...