I almost forgot this.

After awhile you learn the subtle difference,
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats,
With your head up and your eyes open.
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads,
On today, because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight,
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden,
And decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you can endure...
That you really are strong...
And you really do have worth...
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

~Author unknown

Drivers Ed. 101

When it is raining outside...

TURN ON YOUR FUCKING HEADLIGHTS!!!!


Thank you.

That is all.

Gratitude Thursday

I was trolling random blogs and saw this and thought it was a great idea... So here are all the "A" things I am gratful for.

Acceptance - From my friends that support me no matter what. It means more to me then you will ever know.
Apple Martinis - Especially the green apple martini at Morton's that is rimmed in cinammon sugar. YUM!
Anti-bacterial lotion - From Bath & Body Works cause it gets the "yuck" off my hands and smells good.
Autumn - I love the changing of the leaves and that bit of crispness in the air.
Air Force - For defending our country and sending my wifey's hubby home in one piece.
Artists - For giving me inspiration and making me think out of the box.
Accelorator pedal - Cause it allows me to pass your slow ass on the freeway!
Accessories - It's what seperates us from the apes.
Apes - For being so damn cute.
Acrylic - Without it I would never have nice fingernails.
Aerosmith - For being so bold as to mix rock and rap with Walk This Way.

Don't make me your accomplice

I seem to attract guys that are unavailable. Whether they already have a woman in their life or just not ready to really be in a relationship, I seem to be a magnet for them.

I have dated my fair share of the "not ready" guy. This is the guy that wants to have all the benefits of being a boyfriend, but is unwilling to put that label on it. He gives this really logical explanation that keeps me hanging on waiting for the moment that he will change his mind and want to take the next step. This never happens. Ultimately, I am just being used for my kind heart and willingness to participate in such a game. If you were to confront "not ready" guy about playing me, he would ferverently deny it. He would say that he has genuine feelings for me and that I have been a willing participant in this little life drama. And when he eventually walks away, he will leave me broken hearted and confused, wondering why I wasn't good enough to be his.

I also get guys that are with someone that tell me how wonderful I am and how "if only I had met you first". Cut the crap. You and I both know all this is about is sex. You will NEVER leave your girlfriend/wife for me. I have never wanted to be the "other woman". I know what it is like to be cheated on. I know what it is like to have another woman make moves on my man knowing that I am in the picture. I refuse to be part of another woman's heartbreak. Yet, I seem to attract these men that try and give me all kinds of stories about how they are currently on a break or trying to break it off smoothly. Bullshit. Call me six months after it's over and then maybe we can talk. Better yet, if your girlfriend is someone I consider a friend, don't ever call me. Friends don't date friend's exes. No, no, no.

Don't make me your accomplice

I seem to attract guys that are unavailable. Whether they already have a woman in their life or just not ready to really be in a relationship, I seem to be a magnet for them.

I have dated my fair share of the "not ready" guy. This is the guy that wants to have all the benefits of being a boyfriend, but is unwilling to put that label on it. He gives this really logical explanation that keeps me hanging on waiting for the moment that he will change his mind and want to take the next step. This never happens. Ultimately, I am just being used for my kind heart and willingness to participate in such a game. If you were to confront "not ready" guy about playing me, he would feverently deny it. He would say that he has geniune feelings for me and that I have been a willing particpant in this little life drama. And when he eventually walks away, he will leave me broken hearted and confused, wondering why I wasn't good enough to be his.

I also get guys that are with someone that tell me how wonderful I am and how "if only I had met you first". Cut the crap. You and I both know all this is about is sex. You will NEVER leave your girlfriend/wife for me. I have never wanted to be the "other woman". I know what it is like to be cheated on. I know what it is like to have another woman make moves on my man knowing that I am in the picture. I refuse to be part of another woman's heartbreak. Yet, I seem to attract these men that try and give me all kinds of stories about how they are currently on a break or trying to break it off smoothly. Bullshit. Call me six months after it's over and then maybe we can talk. Better yet, if your girlfriend is someone I consider a friend, don't ever call me. Friends don't date friend's exes. No, no, no.

Making some life decisions

So I have been thinking a lot about my life and where it is headed. With every passing year I think about the goals I had as a teenager and how little I have actually accomplished. So I am going to put in writing some goals for me to aspire to with a bit of a deadline to get me motivated.

1. Debt - Pay off all outstanding financials debts by 12/31/07
2. College - Enroll in college at least part time by Jan. 2007
3. Business - Advertise me business and establish more contacts by 12/31/06
4. Home - Purchase a home by 12/31/08
5. Children - Adopt a child in need by 8/5/08
6. Self - Work on exorcising my ghosts and dealing with my issues, everyday.
7. Volunteerism - Get involved again working with kids by 12/31/06
8. Dancing - Continue taking dance classes and participate in a show by 6/30/07
9. Roller derby - Learn more about coaching aspect of the game, everyday.
10. Relationships - Don't accept less then the best, everyday.

The end

I sit here broken-hearted once again,
not for what was,
but for what might have been.
Not for the loss of my lover,
but for the loss of my friend.

I want...

I want to lay in the dark and talk about our deepest, darkest secrets.
I want to caress all your scars and will the pain away.
I want to feel your breath on my neck and shiver from the touch of your lips on my skin.
I want to sit beside you and hold your hand when you feel like the world is keeping you down.
I want to celebrate your accomplishments and be by your side in all you do.

I want to risk heartbreak for you.

I want to wake up next to you in the morning with a smile on my lips and desire in my eyes.
I want for both of us to finally know what it is like to be cherished.
I want for all our differences to melt away and disappear because they don't matter.

I want to know what love is like without pain and disappointment.

I want to tease and laugh with you.
I want you to take out the trash and kill all the bugs.
I want to have dinner waiting for you when you've worked all day.
I want to feel the warmth of your body against mine while I sleep.

I want to feel safe in your arms and for you to feel loved in mine.

I want to giggle while you do bad impressions and make a chihuahua greek.
I want to make you shake your head in amusement and bewilderment every time I bring home another pair of shoes or shriek at a bug.

I want you for my own.
I want to be yours.
I want to be us.

Going to see The Reverend Horton Heat tonight

Maybe I'll find a guy with a Big Red Rocket Of Love and we'll have some Martini Time and he'll say, "Baby I'm Drunk". Then I might play with his Wiggle Stick and he'll make my Wildest Dreams come true Now, Right Now and when we're done we'll smoke a Crooked Cigarette. Then the next morning I'll Make Love again after some Tylenol cause my head hurts, so I'll want to Sue Jack Daniel's. Then he'll say, "I Could Get Used To This." And I tell him it would never work out because of his Bad Reputation and make my departure. After I'm gone the only thing he can say is, "Where In The Hell Did You Go With My Toothbrush?"

Missed Connection

Do you ever read the Missed Connections section of craigslist? Or in the personals of your local paper? I do. I'm always hoping from within the deep, dark place inside my heart that is full of secrets that maybe someday, someone would write one for me.

So today I wrote one for Poet. I wrote one in order to free my heart and to clear my confused mind. Some days I want to be with him and on others I want to wash my hands of him forever. I remain his friend in spite of the hurt he has caused me, in spite of his closed-mindedness to all that is different from him, and in spite of how difficult he makes it. I remain his friend because I want to be his friend, plain and simple. My life has been better because he is a part of it. I want that to stay the same. Maybe he'll see it, maybe he won't. I feel better having written it.

Let's get real

I stole this idea from Bitter Betty over at Tastes Like Purple so if you haven't been reading over there, do. She is fucking hilarious!!

The idea is to write 15 honest statements to anyone you want to, dead or alive, past or present, but no names. I think we should all play along! ;)

Here are mine:

1. Sometimes you are a selfish asshole who never thinks of anyone but yourself.

2. All I ever wanted was your love and acceptance and all I ever got was your judgment and indifference.

3. You are the only person in my life that loved and accepted me unconditionally.

4. I miss our late night dates in front of the TV, drinking rum and coke, and making out like teenagers.

5. I wish you could have seen yourself the way I saw you.

6. You pretended to be someone you weren't for two years. You lied to me and cheated on me and I hope you get back everything you gave tenfold.

7. You claim not to be shallow, but you focus on the superficial and you are missing out on what really matters.

8. I have the biggest crush on you and wish you would ask me out on a date cause I will never make the first move.

9. You never really hear anything I tell you.

10. It wouldn't have taken much for me to fall in love with you, I was almost there.

11. I never really loved you and knew in the first week that we would never stay together.

12. As much as I want to help make your situation better, I can't help but think that you made things that bad yourself.

13. Your boyfriend flirts with me, kissed me, and makes sexual advances towards me. I tell him no, but I really want to tell him yes.

14. Your best friend fucked your husband.

15. You will never find what you are looking for as long as you close your mind to people that don't fit your pre-conceived notion of what you think they should be.

There just isn't a simple answer to this giant mess I'm in

From: A
Sent: Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:49 AM
To: Bex
Subject: what cha need

you called last night?

From: Bex
Sent: Tuesday, June 27, 2006 10:02 AM
To: A
Subject: RE: what cha need

Things with Poet just got really bad.


hmmm, why?

We got into a huge fight last night. The whole situation is just beyond broken that I don't know what we can do to fix it. He thinks that if we stop sleeping together that everything will be ok. I think that it's unrealistic to think we could keep hanging out together and not have sex. The line has already been crossed. He says that he likes me, is attracted to me, wants to keep spending time together. He also wants to be able to date other people and not make a commitment to anyone until he is absolutely sure about things. He says that our having sex together clouds both of our judgment and is making things too complicated. It just got so nasty last night. I had to leave the house for awhile just to be able to breathe. Then later he blew up at me cause I was crying and then just left the room. That pissed me off so I went after him to yell at him and he was crying. He keeps apologizing for hurting me and says he just wants me to be happy. So we fall asleep and he wakes up and asks if I'm ok and then says that he loves me. WTF???!!?? I am so confused.


you both are morons

That is ever so helpful. Thanks.

if he isn't going to make a commitment of any kind then why bother with the whole deal?

I really like him a lot. He makes me laugh.

then you can continue on the route your are on.

So are you saying that even if I'm patient and understanding he still won't want to be with me in the end?


nope, but until he changes his mind you either tag along and play by his rules or you don't.

It's just so damn frustrating that he keeps changing his mind on what he wants from me.

I am trying to date other people and not get attached to him. It's just really hard.


then you will have to set the standard then. Start playing by your rules.

I don't know how to do that. It's not in my personality to be the "aggressor" in any situation.

you don't have to be aggressive. Just write on a piece of paper the rules you need to follow and stick to them

Even that is hard because I really have no idea what I want from him or how to handle any of this. He flipped out cause I was upset that he wants to hang out with another girl this weekend while I would be around. I feel bad for even asking him not to cause we have no commitment and can do whatever he wants. At the same time though, it is unfair for him to ask me to have to sit there while he is on a "date" 10 feet away from me.


then you have to tell him that he cant. That is the price you now both will pay because you have played. It's only fair and if he doesn't like it. Tell him to blow.

He agreed not to have us be in the same vicinity but he isn't happy about it. I have never screwed up so much in my life.
He made a joke last night about if I made an ad on craigslist and he answered it. I told him he would never answer an ad from me because we aren't each other's "type" and that is what makes this whole situation so damn frustrating. I feel that there is a reason we feel the way we do about each other and that maybe we should run with it and see where it takes us. He doesn't see it that way. How do you reconcile that?


you don't, you cant change someone's mind for them

It makes no sense though. One minute he is telling me how much he likes me, how attracted he is to me, how much he wants to have sex with me and the next minute he is talking about dating other people. It's almost as if he builds me up to tear me down. I know that is not his intention but that is how all this makes me feel. "I like you but I won't date you." WTF is that?


why buy the cow?

Talk about damned if you damned if you don't. Would you consider a relationship with someone that wouldn't have sex with you?


yes, sex is part of a relationship, not what a relationship comes from

This is the part of dating that I hate. It's all a fuckin game. How long do you wait to call or to see again or to sleep with, etc. It's so stupid. God forbid people actually say what they really feel and screw all the rest.

My values

Your Values Profile

Loyalty: You value loyalty a fair amount. You're loyal to your friends... to a point. But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties. Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself. Honesty: You value honesty a fair amount. You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it. If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it. In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity." Generosity: You value generosity highly. So much so that you often put your own needs last. There's nothing wrong with having a caring heart... But you may want to rethink your "open wallet" policy. Humility: You value humility highly. You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are. And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better. You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low. Tolerance: You value tolerance highly. Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you... You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends. You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test

Risking it all

My heart on the line. My choice. Don't pull away from me because you don't want to hurt me. If I am willing to risk a broken heart on the chance that something wonderful could happen between us, you should let that decision be mine. I know you care about me and are only thinking of my feelings, but think about the feelings that are happening now. Neither one of us knows what fate has in store for us. Let's take advantage of the now and deal with things as they come. You have said it time and time again that no matter how many times you tell yourself that we won't have sex again we keep ending up in bed together. That is because we both WANT to be there. Be willing to take a risk on being happy. I am not like all those fake girls that you have been with in the past. I have no desire to hurt you or break your heart. I am always completely honest with you the way you are with me. I know the stakes are high, but let's gamble it all. After all, we could always win in the end.

I'll keep trying

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we're not
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

~I Try~Macy Gray

Different is good

I have dated a lot of crappy guys. I can honestly say there is only one man in my past that I would ever consider having sex with again or even trying to date again (I haven't ever really talked about him here, we'll call him Hockey Geek). So when I think about why those guys were so crappy I come up with one conclusion: They cared more about themselves then they cared about me.

Now before you freak out and say that is how it is supposed to be, hear me out. Yes, you should always put yourself first and take care of you. That is the only way to have a healthy relationship. So when I say that they cared about themselves more, I mean in every way. They never stopped to think about how their actions would make me feel. This is why people find it easy to cheat on someone they say they love. Because in that moment there is not a single thought to the person that you are sharing your life with and how you would be hurting them. It's the complete disregard of your significant other's feelings about anything. It is the complete lack of empathy, sensitivity, moral integrity, and honor that should be the basis of a loving relationship. When I think about my past I realize that I felt their lack of caring in their touch. There is a difference when a guy who is out to get his touches your skin and when a guy that cares about you caresses you. Sure, the motions are the same, but the EMOTIONS are different. The emotions come through in the touch, the kiss, the foreplay, the sex, and the way you both feel about things afterwards.

I don't know that I would have ever come to this conclusion unless Poet pointed it out to me. He says that the way I kiss him, touch him, and look at him he can tell that I have feelings behind that. When I asked him how he knows that he said it is because he does the same thing. So that made me think about the difference between how he touches me and how Cabana Boy or acquaintance crush touched me. I do feel how much he cares about me in the way that he caresses my face. I think that is what makes things so complicated between us. We are both such emotional beings it is hard to separate the physical attraction we feel for one another and the emotions behind it. It makes me wonder if it's the sex that makes us like each other or if it's really how we feel. We tried taking sex out of the equation and it felt unnatural. Whenever we would be in the same room with one another it felt like we were both holding back from saying what we needed to or making any kind of inadvertent physical contact. It feels uncomfortable and weird and I hated it. So somehow Poet and I ended up cuddling up together once again and things felt right. Things felt more honest that way then trying to stifle these feelings that come up. Well, cuddling leads to kissing and kissing leads to touching and touching leads to, well, you know. And here we are back where we started, those damn emotions that come along with that undeniable physical attraction.

As I see it one of three things will happen between us:
1. Whatever this chemistry is will fizzle out once we have it out of our systems and we will go back to just being friends and all will be well.
2. This chemistry leads to something more significant and maybe we realize that us together is a good thing and honestly try and make something out of it.
3. One of us will get emotionally entangled and the other won't, leading to a broken heart and the loss of a great friendship.

I really don't want it to be #3. If that were to happen I know that it would end up being my heart that's broken. #3 has already happened to me with the Hockey Geek. If you want to put a label on our relationship I guess it would be "friends with benefits". We never really went on dates or met each others friends and family. We pretty much just hung out together and had great sex. Eventually I wanted more then he could give and in the end we had to call it quits. I was devastated for a long time about it. I had never had a relationship that was so open and honest where I felt like I could tell him anything without being embarrassed or made to feel stupid. I had never had such great sex, either. I had never known a guy to actually care about how I felt, what I thought, or what he could do to please me in bed. It was overwhelmingly wonderful. I think because we were always honest with each other and I hold no blame for why he had to end things, we have been able to rekindle a friendship today. I have NO regrets of any kind about my relationship with Hockey Geek. I wish we had better timing with life, but I am grateful he was in my life. He really showed me what it should be like when a guy says he cares about you.

I think that is why I am willing to take a chance on Poet. I know in my heart he really does care about me. Whenever he thinks he has hurt me, I see that hurt reflected in his eyes. It torments him. Sometimes he can be a little too brutally honest, but I know it is what I really need to hear. He never says whatever it takes to get under my skirt. In fact, he spends most of the time trying to talk me out of wanting to be with him. That kinda backfires though and makes me want him more. He told me this morning that what makes it hard for him is that he has feelings for more than one girl at the same time. He is talking to other girls, dating other girls, and then there is me. To be honest I am not sure how I feel about that. I want him all to myself, but at the same time I really wonder if a relationship between the two of us would ever even work out at all. We are so alike in so many ways, but we are also really different in really big ways. It's those differences that make both of us a little skeptical about any kind of future together. So we are stuck in this uncertainty that only goes away when we are alone together in the dark. Is that bad? Is it wrong? I don't know. I only know how he makes me feel when I am with him and that is all that matters. I suppose only time will tell which of the three things will happen with us.

Longing

I've always been a big fan of being woken up for sex. Whether it be in the middle of the night or early in the morning nothing gets me hotter then knowing that he wakes up wanting. This morning we wake up to the alarm, he hits the snooze button. I snuggle up closer to him. His hands start roaming with gentle caresses that cause my belly to flutter with anticipation. His hand moves up to my hair as he brushes it from my neck. Gentle kisses to the back of my neck and I wiggle even closer to him. I lightly caress his arm, kissing the palm of his hand, nibbling on his finger, he moans. The alarm sounds again, silenced again by the snooze button. I mourn the loss of his hand on my body and moan with pleasure as he returns it. More touching, more playing, and then time has become our enemy. I must get up and go to work. We reluctantly part and being the day.

So now I sit here, at my desk, surrounded by the mundane, with thoughts of his touch, the anticipation still fluttering in my belly, his scent still on my skin, thinking about tonight and setting the alarm to go off even earlier tomorrow.

Broken

So Poet and I are officially just friends again. It's tormenting him that we have had sex (although we both admit it was pretty fuckin fabulous) and he is in no way interested in a relationship right now. Things between us have been nothing but weird since we did the deed. I was getting quite frustrated by the whole situation myself. On one hand I didn't really want to be in a relationship right now either. On the other hand I believe that everything happens for a reason and he is such a good guy I felt that despite the bad timing maybe we were supposed to make something work. The whole situation has been tearing me apart emotionally since it happened. All I have done this week is get drunk trying to numb the feelings that I was unable to express. Last night was really, really bad. I got drunk at the bar, and my former crush was there making moves on me. I texted Poet and told him what was going on and he told me to "do my thing". It was at that moment that I knew he would never have any intention of trying to work anything out between us other then friendship. So being hurt and angry and drunk I went home with former crush, had a little wham bam thank you ma'am, and 45 minutes later was out the door without so much as a hug goodbye. Talk about making a bad situation worse, I have never felt so completely worthless in my entire life. I would rather go back into the hell that was my first love and get knocked around then feel this way. I know that Poet is making a decision that he thinks is best for both us. I know that he never, ever wanted to hurt me or make me feel bad. I place absolutely no blame on him whatsoever. He told me last night that if we can't get past things that we would have to stop talking completely. I really hate the thought of that, he has been a wonderful friend to me and I really, really don't want to lose that. I told him to give me a little time and I will get better. I want things back to the way they were before we let things go to far. I honestly don't know if that is possible, but I really am going to try as hard as I can. I want my friend back to be silly with, laugh with, and just be able to talk about anything with. I've really missed that this week. So I won't be drinking for awhile. I need to be sober and take care of me.

How do I manage to get myself into these situations?

So quick update on where things stand with my love life: Hot Latino Crush is no longer an option (regardless of how phenomenal of a kisser he is), acquaintance Crush is no longer an option either as he has knocked up someone else (regardless of how badly I wanted to be his "good girl"), and as far as the "one" well I am not sure if that one will ever get anywhere. So all of this leads up to this weekend and my current conundrum.

I met Poet a while ago online. We chatted on and off, here and there. Recently we have become better friends and started hanging out together quite a bit. While I thought he was a great guy and cute as hell I never considered him to be anything more then a really good friend. So the other night we were hanging out together and one thing lead to another and we ended up fooling around a little. Now, while taking me completely off-guard cause I had NO CLUE that he liked me like that, I definitely didn't mind. So this leads us to have the conversation about consequences if we were to pursue things any further. One being that our friendship would change and the other that he is not in the market for a girlfriend right now.

I know in my heart that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt my feelings. He hates the fact that guys have treated me badly and said that he doesn't want to be another guy that fucks with my head or plays with my emotions. He expressed his interest in me and placed the ball in my court. It was my decision whether or not to let things go further. I had a similar relationship in the past that was the best relationship I have ever had. It was the most honest, open relationship I have ever known. We were "friends with benefits" for over a year. Never once in that time did I feel that he was not being completely honest with me. I knew that he genuinely cared for me and wanted to be spending time with me. He just wasn't ready for a committed relationship. Our agreement was that if one of us wanted to move on, we would let the other one go. Now I am not saying that my feelings were not bruised during that year we were together. There were many times that I wanted to take the relationship to the next level. I loved him. Things ended when he needed to move on. I was so very hurt that I was not the one he chose to move on with that I needed to end our friendship. However, after a few years we have reconnected and I am so happy to have him back in my life, even if it is only with the occasional email. So knowing all of this I am willing to try and keep things on a casual level for Poet. I know that he is a good man that will keep my feelings in mind, so I had sex with him. It was everything I needed from Cabana Boy and never got. It was sensual and passionate and he made me feel special.

I have no regrets about what we did. I did what I wanted to do. We have had a few weird moments since, mostly consisting of me not being sure what is ok and what isn't. I'm not sure why he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. I have a few ideas, but that is purely conjecture on my part. So all of this leads to how he made me cry yesterday. We were talking and he asked me if I am the kiss and tell type. I said no (to me kissing and telling is bragging to our friends). He says good because he would hate for someone to bring up the fact that we slept together if he happened to be on a date or with a future girlfriend. To be completely honest with you dear ones, I was crushed. I wanted to cry. I held back though and played it off as if it meant nothing. The second I left him though, the tears came through. As much as I would love to be able to have sex and not get my feelings involved I can't. I'm not made that way. I cared about him as a friend before we ever did anything and I care about him even more now that we have. I am sure that he didn't mean anything by his comment, but it still stung. It made me feel like he is embarrassed by me, that I would never be considered girlfriend material, and that all I am to him is another way to get off. Am I projecting my "every guy is out to hurt me" notions on him? Maybe I am. I'm just lost at this point. I feel like as much as we talked about what the consequences could be we never really talked about how we were planning on dealing with them once we crossed that line. We talked briefly last night, but we didn't spend time together. He sensed something was bothering me and asked me about it but I wasn't sure what to say so I dismissed his concern. At this point I have no idea if he thinks of this as a one time only occurrence or if he wants more. I have no idea how to bring it up. I really am ok with just being friends with benefits right now, I just need to know where I stand with him. It just sucks that I finally meet a truly great guy, have really, really good sex with him and that this is how I feel afterwards.

***Disclaimer: To those of you that think you know who I am talking about, please maintain the anonymity of this blog. I want to respect his right to privacy. Thank you.***

How can a night be so good and so bad?

I should have known last night after I spilled half a bottle of red nail polish onto the white carpet (don't ask, but do send cleaning tips) that I should stay home and hide under the covers. I finished getting ready and headed out to meet some friends at a nightclub we don't typically frequent. The only reason I went was because my hot latino crush was going to be there and I knew I was looking pretty hot. HLC and my friends were waiting outside when I got there and he reached over and hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and told me how hot I am. I am such a sucker for compliments. So we all go inside and my friend Gin and I feel completely out of place, we are two rockabilly girls in a sea of trendsters. I see some of my fellow derbygirls and go over to say hi. I find out that I am needed to go to Vegas with the team. I am so excited!!! All night long HLC kisses me and says nice things to me. At one point he grabs my face and gives me this knee weakening kiss and I think to myself that this night is about to get interesting. And interesting it got. A little while later HLC comes off the dance floor with some chick and he is all over her. My feelings are quite crushed. As much as I try to be casual with guys and not get so emotionally involved, I just can't. I am not made that way. So now I am pissed off and hurt and not wanting to be there any longer. We leave and are halfway to the next bar when I realize that I have forgotten my damn credit card. So back we go so I can close out my tab. We proceed to another bar where I run into the chick that CB tried to cheat on me with (which while I harbor no hard feelings towards her, seeing her just pisses me off) and a dog almost pees on my leg. Great. Nothing is really happening there so we head out to our fave rockabilly bar to meet some friends. We get there and things are a bit better and this guy comes and asks me to dance. Actually he asks Gin if she minds if he asks me to dance and I thought that was really sweet. So we dance and he is a pretty decent swing dancer. I am quite shitty by this point though and have two left feet. As it is closing time, he leaves, but gives me his number and asks for mine. Most have been the alcohol but I gave it to him. I really don't expect him to call though.
I come back home and my roommate comes up and hangs out with me for a chat. This is why my roommate fucking rules. He and I have such great chats and see the world in many similar ways. Talking to him made me feel better about the whole HLC situation. I have decided to quit talking to HLC for my own good. I know that when I have that kinda chemistry with that kind of guy that only bad things happen.

My idea of a real man

On the phone last night with T, and we were talking about men, relationships, what we are attracted to, stuff like that. So I was telling her about being attracted to men with dominant personalities. I have always been a submissive female to any male in my life. Maybe because I was raised by my dad I learned from a young age that a woman should respect her man. I can be very assertive when pushed, but when it comes to someone I am attracted to, or in a relationship with, I tend to bow to their needs. Before I recognized this about myself I ended up with men who were dominant in negative ways, men that hit and control. I was fulfilling one need, but missing out on so much more. Then I went into a relationship where the man was very kind and considerate, but I did not respect him as a man. I found myself not being sexually attracted to him because I did not feel that he could defend my honor in a dark ally. I am just not attracted to "nice guys". Don't get me wrong though, I don't want to date a guy that is an asshole, I want a true Dominant man. I heard a phrase the other day in a movie that really summed things up for me, "A slave is really a master in disguise." I think that is so true. The pleasure of the Dom is in the pleasure of the Sub wanting to submit to them.

In all honesty, that is what attracted me to Cabana Boy. I thought that he would be dominant in a relationship and caring enough to be someone I could truly submit to. While he has some dominant behaviors, he is not truly a Dom. He lacks the loving kindness required to allow a woman to truly submit herself to him. I think the trust involved is tremendous. In order to submit completely, one has to trust that one will be cared for in all situations. That is what I want, need, am looking for, and have yet to find. I don't even know where or how to look. To find someone online seems scary. I am not looking for someone to punish or humiliate me. I am looking for someone that will truly appriciate my pleasure in pleasing him, someone that wants to care for and protect me. It seems impossible to find, but I am going to keep looking.

I missed the love boat

I have this friend that I have talked about here before. The guy that has everything I want in a man and more. The one that makes me laugh when I'm crying and the one that is there for me whether I need a hug or a beatdown. A few months ago we went from strictly friends to flirting around a bit. As I spent more and more time with him I became more and more attracted to him. I flirted every chance I got, we started going out together on weekends, and we talked everyday.

One day he began trying to get me to tell him how I felt about him. He would say things like, "You know you want me." And I would come back with some sassy remark. I was afraid of telling him how I really felt. Afraid that he wouldn't feel the same way about me, afraid that if things didn't work out I would lose this wonderful friendship, and afraid of getting hurt again. We kept skirting the subject for weeks. He would make an innuendo, I would make an innuendo. Neither one of us wanted to be the one that said I dig you first. I thought I had all the time in the world to get a bit more confidence up before I said something. I was wrong.

This woman came into the picture. Now he's talking to her everyday and not talking to me as often. They have "inside jokes" between them. She lives far away and they made plans to see each other. His friends told me not to worry about her, tell him how I feel, we would be good together. But now it's too late. They've met and she calls him her own. I waited too long and now I sit here broken hearted. I missed out on a wonderful man because I was afraid. Damn.

I must be crazy

I actually sent out the following text message today:
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Must be the fact that he calls me doll. I am such a sucker for that. ;)

PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!

Ladies....I need you to up your dose of VITAMIN R before you read this!!!!

I need massive amounts of Vitamin R. Vitamin Romance, but also, get ready to growl, Vitamin Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, that says, I want you baby. I need to be told Im sexy, that Im a babe, that I have a adorable 24 year old ass. I need love letters. The love letters needed to say, "Your cock is so great and turns me on so much and I've been thinking about it all day. I want you, boy" Im a man but still need all the romantic wooing that women had grown to expect and complain about if they didn't get. I fell a little put out that Valentine's Day was all premised on what I would get you. I want to be surprised. I want to come home to a woman who wants to tear my work clothes off and love me, deep and wet and messy and sexy and for a long time and then do it again. I need it, you want it, I work hard and I deserve it.
There is not a lot of light at the end of the tunnel. A dark time in the land of men. Not pretty. It seems modern day women have forgot about this Vitamin while busy chasing a dream or a career or shoe sales at the cherry creek mall?

I just want to cry

It's just been that kinda week, that kinda day, that kinda moment. I am so very disappointed in my friend right now. He and I have been friends for awhile now and in recent months have gotten quite close. We have so much in common and can always make each other laugh. Physically, he is not the type of guy I would normally go for, but I have fallen for his personality and charm. I really, really like him. I really like spending time with him and until recently I thought he felt the same way. He was my shoulder to cry on when things were bad. I was his entertainment when he was bored. We talked on the phone, we emailed all day while we were supposed to be working, he came out to support my events. Things were good. Everything he did pointed to the fact that he cared about me. I had even put serious thought into telling him how I feel about him. The only thing holding me back was the possibility of ruining a great friendship, and I would never want to lose that.

All of the sudden things are different. He has stopped calling, stopped emailing as much, stood me up, and kept something big from me. All of that hurts. So today I get that email for no reason and it makes me cry. I miss my friend.

I am thisclose to giving up

coin-operated boy
sitting on the shelf
he is just a toy
but i turn him on
and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a
coin-operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever, ever ask for more?
love without complications galore

many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend

coin-operated boy
all the other real
ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle
to my new boy and i'll
never let him go
and i'll never be alone
not with my
coin-operated boy

this bridge was written
to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture
of girl getting bitterer
wil you extract me
from my plastic fantasy
i didn't think so
but i'm still convinceable
will you persist
even after i bet you
a billion dollars
that i'll never love you
and will you persist
even after i kiss you
good-bye for the last time
will you keep on trying
to prove it
i'm dying

to lose it
i'm losing
my confidence
i want to
i want you
i want a
coin-operated boy

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i can't imagine
any flesh and blood would be his match
i can even take him in the bath

coin-operated boy
he may not be real
experienced with girls
but i know he feels
like a boy should feel
isn't that the point?
that is why i want a
coin-operated boy
with a pretty
coin-operated voice
saying that he loves me
that he's thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want a
coin-operated boy

~ Coin-Operated Boy by The Dresden Dolls

A sad goodbye

My great uncle passed away last week. He was 84. He lived a really fascinating life that I knew very little about until yesterday's memorial service. I knew that he had fought in World War II, but I had no idea he went to Korea. I knew that he had met his wife of 54 years in Italy while in the Army, but I had no idea he and his family had been stationed abroad in places like France and Germany. It makes me sad that I missed out on spending time with him. I always exchanged small talk at family functions, but I never took the time to really find out who he was as a person. It's a tragic lesson to learn.

As I was standing at Fort Logan National cemetery yesterday, I cried. Not only for my uncle, but for all the men and women resting there. For my friend A, who just shipped out on Sunday to serve 18 months in Iraq. For my friend V8, who has been and will go back to Iraq again. For my friend Doc's sons that have both been twice and suffer from PTSD and his anguish in not being able to help them. I cried at the senselessness and of the necessity of it all.

All I can think of to say is thank you. Thank you, come home safe and come home soon.

Ya'll some freaky deeky mafuckers round here

I always wondered what brought people to my blog. Today I was bored enough at work to find out. I went through my stats and looked at what search perameters led people here and DAMN. Who knew? LOL

Voluptuous Escort ~ Number 215 ~ I may be voluptuous but I am not an escort by any means.

Just dates ~ NUMBER 1 ~ I damn well should be, it's my title for fuck's sake.

Dates with free fucking ~ NUMBER 1 ~ Ummm, well maybe for the right dude. It's that whole live in the moment scenario again, but thanks for your support.

About biatch girls ~ Number 22 ~ Makes sense, again part of my title.

Fucking nasty ~ Number 8 ~ Reference to a post made about my hillbilly reletives and if you've read you've said it.

Naughty nightie ~ Pg. 15 ~ Ok, not sure why, but I'll go with it. I love lingerie.

Curvy ~ Pg. 2 ~ Damn right I am. And proud of looking like a woman and not a girl.

Fuck dates ~ Pg. 1 ~ Well, sometimes I feel that way. Only cause I don't understand the game yet, but I'm learning.

Vixan ~ NUMBER 1 ~ HELLS YEAH!!!!!!

Submissive tendencies ~ Somewhere in the middle ~ Who told? Now all the boys will want me.

Kama Sutrai ~ Pg. 1 ~ Ummm, okie dokie. Whatev.

Super Vixan ~ Number 45 ~ He he he.

You can kiss me anytime

Damn good date last night with hot Latino crush. I hadn't talked to him in awhile and yesterday I ran into a mutual friend of ours at work. Next thing I know HLC is calling me saying he heard how good I was looking and we should hang out. We made plans for dinner and a movie at my place. Never got to dinner and only watched about 20 minutes of the movie though. And no you pervy perverts we didn't get freaky. We did do some serious kissin on the sofa though. The kind that makes your knees weak. Damn he is a good kisser. And it has been to damn long since I have been really kissed like that. Way too long. Mmmmm mmmmmmm mmmmm mmmm MMMMMMMMMMM.

Living in the moment

Text message dialog from Saturday night between myself and one of my crushes while hanging out at the bar with a bunch of our friends:

Crush: UR hot
Me: Yer crazy
C: So are you
M: Gee thanks
C: So do U want to do it?
M: I thought you had a chick.
C: I'm single
M: Oh really
C: Is that a no?
M: Not necessarily

Crush has to leave to go work. He signals for me to come talk to him. He wraps his arms around me tight and whispers in my ear, "Are you coming home with me?" I just look at him and he says he knows I want to stay so he says he'll talk to me later. I watch him walk out the door and begin kicking myself for not going with him.

C: So U have no interest
M: I didn't say that. I'm just not a one night stand kinda girl.
C: Ok im not trying to be disrespectful in any way, just playing, i know U only like me as a friend. sorry.
M: That is not the case at all! I have always had a bit of a crush on you!
C: W O W !
M: So...
C: I had no idea
M: Well...
C: I think thats very kool
M: And now that you know...
C: Time tells all tales!
M: What is that suppose to mean?
C: Just trying to be dramatic, going to bed, talk to you soon. Very good to see u tonite.
M: Sweet dreams
C: U2 call me if ya want 2
Half an hour later
M: Still awake?
C: Why u want IT?
M: Maybe
C: Why you messing with me?
M: I'm not messing with you I mean it.
C: Call me tomorrow when you're sober and we'll talk.
M: Ok

So that's what happened. My answers are based on my cloudy memory. Bacardi was my best friend on Saturday after all. I did text with him briefly on Sunday. We did a bit of small talk and that was that. Now I am REALLY kicking myself for not going home with him. Even if we wouldn't have had sex, it would have been nice to get a little closer. I have no idea what will happen next. You all know that I am not that great at this whole dating thing. I have always found a guy and stayed with him for a couple years until things go bad. I've never really dated and I think that's why I don't live in the moment as much as I should. I'm always worried about months down the road and that leads me to so many regrets. I plan on keeping my options open for now and seeing where life takes me. And right now (if he doesn't flake out me) I have a date with a different crush tonight. He's coming over to make me dinner and watch a movie. Maybe I'll work on living in the moment tonight...

Roller Derby Overload!!!

I just got back from spending the weekend in Tucson, AZ for the first ever national roller derby tournament. The Dust Devil was amazing!!!! I have learned so much more about the sport and my passion for all things derby has been intensified exponentially. These girls put their blood, sweat, and tears (not to mention ALL of their free time) into making this sport a force to be reckoned with. My team was eliminated on day one, but all was not lost. We did really well considering our lack of experince, recent player turnover, and a few injuries sustained before the weekend. I have no doubt though that these girls will continue to learn and grow and before you know it become one of the top teams in the land. I am honored and priviledged to be a part of this league. Even though I won't be competing, (I have decided to ref) I will continue to devote all of my free time to derby.

Besides, have you seen all the cute boys that come to bouts? HOT DAMN!!!! Hee hee.

My one perfect Valentine's Day

I haven't spent a whole lot of time talking about my past. About how I was engaged once to a man 14 years my senior (JG) or my one perfect relationship that was a victim to bad timing (CH). So today I am going to talk about my one perfect Valentine's Day. Every Valentine's Day I get my hopes high thinking that this will be the one and I am always disappointed in the lack of romance, except for one day.

Valentine's fell on a Saturday that year and both JG and I had to work until five. (Backstory: We worked for the same retail company, he on a store level and me at corporate.) He left before I woke up and left me a little note on the bathroom mirror wishing me a happy day. I went to work as usual and about an hour after I got there here comes JG with a bunch of balloons, a dozen roses, a teddy bear, and a box of chocolates. I was ecstatic! Only a woman knows how special it is to get flowers at work and have all the girls a tiny bit jealous of you, so not only was I getting flowers at work but he was bringing them himself! None of the other girls got flowers that day, but I did share my chocolates. ;)

I got home from work that day and found another dozen roses on our kitchen counter and a card expressing his love for me. I had never felt so special or so loved EVER. I had no idea at that time that a guy could treat me so well. I had no idea that I even deserved such treatment. I knew that we were going out to dinner so I got ready for the night. I took a long time with my hair and makeup and wore his favorite little black dress. He came home and I gave him a card from me and the computer game he had been drooling over for weeks.

We went downtown and had dinner at the Broker. For those of you not in Denver, the Broker restaurant is in an old bank. You walk through the old vault door and sit in what used to be the private booths people would use to deal with their safety deposit boxes. It is a very romantic, very expensive place to eat. After dinner he took me on a horse and carriage ride through downtown. I was so happy and I didn't want the night to end. I spent the ride home snuggled up next to him, holding his hand, my heart so full of love I thought it might burst. Little did I know the night was far from over.

We got home and he asked me to wait in the living room for him. About fifteen minutes later he came and got me. He asked me to close my eyes and take his hand. He led me into the bathroom where he had a candle-lit bubble bath waiting for me. He had a path of rose petals that led from the bath into our bedroom and more rose petals surrounding the tub. We took a bath together and just held each other and kissed until the water was cold. He dried me off and took my hand, walked me down that path of roses and into our room. More candles, more rose petals on the bed, and a box for me. I opened the box and inside was a beautiful silk nightie. We made love and fell asleep in each other's arms. I was content for the first time in my life and I knew what it felt like to be loved, to be respected, to be cherished, and to belong to someone completely.

Even though things between JG and I would take a horrible turn (more on that another time) for that one day I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. That boys is what women truly want for Valentine's Day. It's not the flowers or the candy that make us feel special, it's you. That day wasn't about the presents to me as much as was about the time he spent trying to make me feel special. He could have brought me a single daisy and I would have been happy with that because I knew he was thinking about me. It's all about making the effort to make a person feel special and listening to what their heart says. He knew that I had never been romanced and he wanted to show me what that was like. I am grateful to JG for a lot of things and that day is definitely one of them.

I'm not a player, I just crush a lot.

I'm not actively seeking someone new at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I do want a someone special in my life again. I miss having someone to come home to and share my day with. However, I have been enjoying having the whole bed to myself and control of the remote. My heart is still healing from CB and I am discovering a whole new me that I didn't know existed before. I am actually having fun being single and exploring who I am and what I want. With that said however, I have a couple of crushes going on...

There is my friend crush. I have known this guy for awhile now and we are pretty good friends. We talk a couple times a week and see him often. He knows all my deep, dark secrets and still thinks I'm fabulous. He is everything I could want from a man and more. I truly like him a lot. The problem is that I don't think he sees me in a romantic way. We flirt and play around, but when it comes down to it he could ask me out and never has. He is busy being a player right now and that's ok. He needs a little fun after his last few relationships. I hate to say anything to him about how I feel because I value our friendship too much to ruin it. So I hang out, smile while he talks about his latest female escapade, and wish it were me he was into.

There is my hot Latin crush. I have this thing for cute Latino boys. My middle school crush was on a boy named Angel and I wanted him desperately. We didn't have any classes together, but that didn't stop me from smiling at him in the halls. I never got my Angel, but I got Angel's cousin Rico. Ahhh Rico. He was all passion and no substance. That crazy boy was ready to move 2000 miles to be with me. He was a fun little fling that ended when I found out about his extreme substance abuse problem. I have been going out every weekend and meeting all kinds of new people. One is this uber-hot Latino boy that just makes my mouth water. He's a little bit punk, a little bit hip hop, and a whole lotta eye y eye. He flirts outragously with me and I get twitterpated as hell. This one has potential.

And finally there is my acquaintance crush. I have known this guy for a few months and we hang out with mututal friends occasionally. He always gives me a hug hello and a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I adore the hell out of him but having seen some of the girls that he dates and has been interested in, I'm not his type.

So I just flirt a little, smile, wink, and shake my ass while I walk away...

I don't need no stinkin man....

So Sunday I didn't have practice so I decided to take the opportunity to clean my pig sty of a house since I would finally be home for more then a minute. I wanted to really deep clean each room, move some furniture around, hang some pictures, and just basically get organized. I had finished up the living room and decided to attack the kitchen. I started on one side and began to move small appliances and clean behind them. I get to the corner of my counter where my microwave and toaster are, this counter area meets the stove. I pull out the toaster and see something right next to the stove....it's a mouse's ass. It's a dead mouse's ass. So after the screaming, wiggling, gagging, and just basic freaking out ends I inspect dead mouse's ass further. It doesn't stink and I haven't smelled anything bad so it must not have been there long. At first glance I thought, "What the fuck happened to it's head?" Then I realized that the damn thing was trying to get behind the stove and got stuck and died there. It's head is behind the stove. Now how the hell am I gonna get it out of my house??!!???

I am your typical girl, I don't do bugs, rodents, or reptiles. My dog put a spider in her mouth once and I screamed so bad that Cabana Boy thought terrorists were invading the house. Now this mouse problem is not new. I have been fighting an endless battle with the little fuckers for months. Just when I think they have all been trapped, I see another one. I have seen them in every single room of my house. It is disgusting. Since the traps haven't caught any for weeks I assumed that I finally got them all. WRONG. Now up until this point I have not had to deal with them myself. I would ask CB to take the traps out and throw them away. Which he would do only after taunting me and making fun of me first. Bastard.

So now I find myself in a sticky situation. Do I call one of my many homeboys and risk life long ridicule for making one of them come over to deal with a dead mouse's ass or do I suck it up and do it myself? I call my best friend and her hubby answers. I tell him my predicament and he laughs. Now I know I must do this myself. On go the rubber gloves up to my elbows. I pull my shirt up over my mouth and nose. I break out the tongs. I grab the mouse's tail with the tongs and pull. Nothing. I am going to have to grab it's ass. More freaking out and wriggling ensues. I grab it around the body with the tongs and pull. Gagging commences as it leaves behind some nasty residue and fuzz. Did I mention that there was a turd coming out of it's ass? Well there was. I quickly drop the mouse and the tongs into a ziplock bag and seal them up. I run out into the alley and toss the mouse into the trash. More freaking out and wriggling. I also decide the gloves must be trashed as well. Should I burn these clothes? No, I think they'll be ok since the mouse didn't touch them directly.

I go back in the house feeling quite proud of myself for dealing with such a horrible situation. I think to myself, "I don't need no stinkin man."
Then the realization hits. I don't NEED a man, but I WANT a man. So until that day comes I will be happy in the fact that Tom is moving in and he can deal with dead mouse's asses.

Erotic Fridge Poetry

I recently purchased the erotic version of magnetic poetry. I have decided to make the poems and one liners that come from that a regular part of my blog. I hope you all enjoy them.


Lust

I crave ache need
if ready boy come
slow tease full of fever
she says take me please
spank bite lick swallow
spurt gush fill shudder
come
she screams
purr
exquisite pleasure

Passion for life

So I've been temping at this new job since the beginning of December. I have interviewed along with a few other candidates for this position. I have a bit of an edge above everyone else solely because I am already here doing the job. Denver is a city chock full of administrative assistants with identical skills so it is very difficult to find a job much less land an interview when you are swimming through a sea of clones. Since I have been here I have been giving this job 110%. I am working my ass off to show what I can do. I NEED this job. In the beginning I wanted this job because I kicked out the loser and desperately need the paycheck coming in. This is still the case, but now that I've been here a month I've found something else. I don't just need this job, I WANT this job. I really enjoy everyone I work with. It's a great team of people that not only care about each other, but about the work they do on a daily basis. I also enjoy the work I've been doing. It's diverse in what I've been doing in the past and I find it interesting.

Yesterday the director of my department and I sat down to discuss the future of the postion that I have been occupying. He told me that I have been the best temp that he has ever worked with. I have been able to come into this postion and not miss a beat. I have gone above and beyond the call of duty and he appriciates the job I do everyday. So after building me up, he breaks my heart (typical man). He says that while I am doing a great job, he and the team are concerned about my committment/confidence level to this job. So they are going to continue interviewing other candidates. He says he wants to be sure that they get the "right fit" for this position. He said that when they were interviewing me that the "light" didn't come on when I was talking about the job. He also expressed concern about my uncertainty about what I want out of life. So they are worried that if things were to get rough in the department that I would just leave because I wouldn't be committed to the job and the people I work with.

Ok. Well, I am uncertain about what I want from life. Everytime I find something that I'm good at or want I seem to get slapped down or discouraged from getting it. I feel beat down by fate right now and I don't know where I'm heading in any direction. I love derby, but my skating isn't great. I want to keep volunteering with kids, but it's hard to find the time to dedicate myself 100%. I want to be in love with a great man, but I'm scared to start something new only to be hurt again. I want to find a job that I love, but I don't know what that career path is for sure.

I do know that I enjoy this job. I have not once gotten up in the morning and not wanted to come to work. Never once while working have I looked at the clock and thought to myself, "Damn, it's only been three minutes since the last time I looked at the clock." I know that I find this position to be interesting, challenging, and fufilling. At this point I could see myself getting a degree in this area and moving up the ladder. How do I express that in a way that they see the "light" come on for me? I can talk til I'm blue in the face, but I can't seem to convince them.

Any suggestions from you, dear readers? My thought for now is to continue working my ass off while they continue interviewing. I figure if I don't give up that should speak a lot to the fact that I want to be here. I looked online today for other jobs just to cover my ass. Out of 143 postings not one sounded interesting enough to make me want to send a resume right now. Yes, I could send out five or ten resumes and probably get a job that would pay my bills. I just don't want that anymore. It sucks to spend so much time on daily basis doing something you hate. *sigh* As usual, nothing I want comes easy for me.

Life is good

Derby practice is going well. It's kicking my ass and I'm exhausted all the time but I love it. The girls are so sweet and so helpful. I feel like the biggest fucking dork on eight wheels right now, but hopefully with some more practices I'll start feeling more confident. Right now every time I skate I feel out of control and wobbly. I have only fallen once or twice (not on purpose) so that's good. I've been doing falling drills, stopping drills, crossovers, scissors, and endurance. My legs hurt all the time but I'm pushing through it and keep going and going. I must say that my ass is looking quite fabulous from all this exercise though. ;)

Aaron worked on my sleeve more last night. He did all the outlining for the new stuff. In a few months he'll do the gray shading and then he wants to do the color at the Denver Tattoo Convention in June. My arm is fucking killing me today. It's swollen and tender as hell. I love the new work though. I'm so glad I don't have practice again until Sunday. I don't think I could take any hits right now. Aaron is one of my favorite people to be around. He makes me laugh and we have a good time together. He also "gets" me which is unusual. He's coming to my RMRG event on Saturday so we should have a good time.

I find out today if I get to keep the job I've been temping at for the last month. I really like it here and the people I work with are great. I'm really hoping I get it. Ya'll know how much I need it right now being on my own. There is a possibility of a roommate in the future so that would be awesome as well. I've been avoiding going home a lot lately (which is so unlike me because I love spending time at home with my dogs) because I hate going home to an empty house. I don't miss the guy, I miss the being with someone. I want to date and meet people but I just haven't been motivated enough. I've had invitations galore, but I think I'm not ready yet. I'm sure he's already moved on and not thinking about me, but I can't help still being a bit sad. Thank Dog for derby! Without it things would be a helluva lot worse!

Let's get down and derby, baby!

So I had my first roller derby practice last night. I have never felt so damn uncoordinated in all of my life. It's been YEARS since I've been on skates and boy did it show. I wobbled my way out to the center of the rink, holding onto the walls for stability. And what was my first drill you ask? Learning to fall. Ummmm, hellloooo people, my plan was not to fall on my ass. All the newbies are falling around me and I just can not bring myself to fall on purpose. Finally our beatuiful trainer, Betsy Blackheart, grabs me by the hand and says, "We are going to fall together so I can help you overcome your fear." So she falls and pulls me with her. Damn! That wasn't so bad, what was I freaking out for? So I spent the rest of practice falling: single knee slide, double knee slide AKA the rockstar, four on the floor AKA doggystyle, and figure fours. I really need to spend some time skating so that I can get more confident on 8 wheels. I really had a blast though. All of the girls were so sweet and really excited that we were all there. I can't wait for practice on Sunday!!!

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!!!!

It's been a shitty day from hell. I am so fucking sick of boys right now. I am seriously considering switching to girls for awhile. Gawd damn!!

First, that piece of shit that I just kicked out my house has been up my ass about some mail that he should be receiving here. No matter how many times I tell him that I'll fucking call him when it gets here, he still feels the need to either call me about it or ask someone to ask me about it. I'm about ready to shove that envelope up his sorry ass.

Then, that new boy that I really, really like... well things are a bit tense at the moment. First of all he is completely anti-social to the point of being a recluse. He won't do anything or go anywhere. Which is fine since most of the time I stay home anyway, but he won't even come to my house! However, now with derby starting I am much busier and have a lot more commitments. I invite him to go and he always turns me down, then he gets mad cause I've been too busy to hang out. I told him today that he is making it very difficult to be his friend and if he decides he wants to meet me halfway he can give me a call.

And then, a mutual friend of mine and the ex's is leaving the state. Tonight was his going away party. I hesitated about going cause I knew the ex would probably be there. So my girls called me and kept me posted about his whereabouts. I get the all clear, drive into the parking lot, and he pulls in right behind me. SONOFABITCH!!!!
I stayed five minutes, said goodbye to my friend and left.

I hate boys today.