Rockstars, drunks, and Odinists. OH MY!

So I've been burning up myspace trying to meet new people. Notice I said trying. LOL Not to say I haven't met some new friends, they just know my old friends too.
I started a new job a few weeks ago and I have really connected with a girl that I work with. We are the same age, both have Yorkies, and are a lil bit punk rock. I went out a few Saturdays ago with my friend Gin, and we met up with some of the girls from the derby team. Gin is from out of state and recognized this guy at the bar. Come to find out that thye knew each other through a mutual friend in Gin's hometown. My new friend at work is this guy's best friend. We were at the same bar at the same time and didn't see each other.

Fast foward to this week when I met my very own Boondock Saint. Boondock is from Boston (gotta love that accent, very sexy) and sings in a local band. He invited me to come to his show last night, so I listened to some of his band's tracks and really got into it (his band is a mix of hardcore, punk, and hip hop). So I think of Gin, and call and ask her to come out with me. Turns out she knows Boondock!! Samll fucking world it is.

Then I meet this new guy, Infamous. He's got that smartass attitude that really trips my trigger. I just dig his anti-social style. We get to talking and it turns out that he grew up with two of my friends!! Good gawd!!

So last night a bunch of people met up at my house to go to Boondock's show and then to a local dive bar afterwards. Talk about an eclectic group of people, there were rockabilly girls, punk rockers, former skinheads, hip hoppers, artists, chefs, college boys, ex cons, and me. LOL

I had a total blast hanging out with everyone and being able to introduce one set of my friends to another and seeing them totally get along. We all want to hang out again soon. I've missed being able to hang out with my friends and not worry about the guy I'm with offending someone. I've missed being able to hang out and not have someone calling me 100 times to see what I'm doing. I had more fun last night then I have in a really long time.

On the boy front: I've met a few guys that I plan on going out on a date with. There is one in particular that I really, really like. Stay tuned for more details...

Can nice = naughty?

Here's the rub, every girl wants what she can't have or doesn't exist. I know, I know, this news is so very shocking you must sit down and fan yourself before you succumb to shock. LOL

I have this impossible idea of what MY man should be:

A true gentleman - I want my door opened, my hand held, my honor defended in a dark alley, and to be walked to my car at night.

A romantic - I want flowers for no reason, gentle kisses, cuddling on the couch, and surprises that make me giggle.

An old fashioned traditionalism - I want him to mow the lawn, fix the car, bring home the bacon, take out the trash, and kill the bugs.

A dominant lover - I want to be "taken", my pleasure in pleasing him becomes his pleasure, I want him to call the shots, and I want to be wanted endlessly.

I don't think it should be so hard to find all of these things in one man, but it is. One of my biggest issues to date has been finding one or two of these things and then latching on hoping I can make him do the rest. It's like what men want from a woman, "Lady in the street and a freak in the sheets." I want the same thing in a man. I want a man I can take home to mama that will knock her socks off and have her asking me when we'll be making the "big commitment". I want a man that has me so sprung that I want him anytime, anywhere. I want a man that can kick some ass in a fight and that lets me see him cry when things are bad. I want a man that knows how to rebuild a carburetor and writes poetry. I want a M-A-N.

So because I'm looking for the bad boy with the soul of a poet I seem to not be attracted to truly decent guys. You know the ones, right ladies? The sweet, full of compliments, genuine all around good guy. Yeah, that good guy would meet most of what I want and more, but I wonder if he can really man-up when I need him to. Can he be aggressive enough in bed for me? Can he fight his own battles, especially when provoked? Will he make me feel like I belong to him and no one else?

I have decided to keep dating outside my box. Even though things did not work out before, I did learn a few things about who I am and what I really need. It's worth it to keep trying and not turn down anyone. I have two very nice guys that I am currently talking with. I enjoy our conversations tremendously. They both make me laugh and I feel comfortable. But I also feel like something could be missing with them. That carnal spark between a man and a woman that curls your toes and makes you weak in the knees. I also have someone that I think fits everything I could ask for and more, but I don't know if he thinks of me "that way". I guess we all just wait and see what unfolds...

Deleted

It's strange how technology changes how one moves on to a new chapter. It used to be things like packing away photos and love letters. Now it's deleting them from your myspace, removing your comments, and deleting a blog that was entirely about how they made you feel. The final step in healing used to be putting away that last momento that you were holding on to with the hope that something someday would change. Now it's finally deleting that number from your cell phone knowing that you will never call it again.

I've done all these things and more. I have not shed a tear since the day he moved out. I'm ready to move foward now. I'm ready to start anew. Goodbye Michael. This is the last blog I will ever write about you.

Rocky Mountain Rollergirl

Yes, my little darlings I have finally taken the big plunge.

I made my mind up and contacted those babes on four wheels and found out how I can become so damn fabulous myself.

I met with Jayne Manslaughter Saturday night and had a wonderful time. Practice starts January 2nd and I could not be more excited!

Now all I need to do is come up with a kickass derby name. Suggestions?

It was all lies.

So Cabana Boy is almost gone. I have his keys, he has my money, and there are just a few more things for him collect tomorrow. I know deep down that I've made the right decision not just for me, but for him. It doesn't make it easier for me though. There were a lot of good things about our relationship that I will miss. My heart hurts so much right now. And to make it all worse he is as cold as ice. He just doesn't seem to care at all that this year of our lives is over. There was absolutely no emotion whatsoever from him tonight. No apologies. No pleas for forgiveness. No fuck yous. No have a nice life. No nothing.

Nothing.

That hurts most of all.

I guess all of this was just a big lie...

"and yes i want to be with you other wise i would not have worked my ass off to get this house for us.and yes some times it hard for me to talk to women because of my mom but ill try harder if you wana talk then you have to start it . because i wont nor will i fight because i have a pretty mean temper and it get me in to trouble . so look im in love with you.

you see you are the opposit of me wich is good for me cause it keeps me calm and if i did not want you in my life i would not have takin you to fl and let you quit youre job wat you need to understand is some tims i flirt and dont mean to and yes im streees out im the one who has to come up with the money for the bills and if i did not want to be wiyh you i would not try to promote you and youre hena love you stupid boy frinend"

Goodbye Cabana Boy. Hello New Start.

So after thinking long and hard about sharing my break-up story I have decided to do so. One, because most of you that read here are friends. Two, because maybe someone will learn from my mistakes. And three, because it might make me feel a bit better to get this all off my chest.

As my faithful readers know Cabana Boy and I started dating the end of January. I spent so much time putting a wall up with him. (Clue #1 that things would not work out.) He kept persisting and saying all the right things, but again my gut instinct was not in it. (Clue #2) I started finding things out about him that he had either not been up front with or just flat out lied about. These things ranged from the small such as his dog’s biting behavior to the large like his ex-girlfriend being pregnant with his child. (Clue #3)
But the biggest obstacle of all was just how completely different we are. He is all about tattoos, extreme piercings, implants, suspensions, branding, scarification, etc. And while I love a man with tattoos, the extreme nature of his passion was a little too much for me to take. I constantly brought this up to him and he constantly reassured me that he loved me just as I was. Yet even in that reassurance the girls he flirted with were the “goth” or “punk” girl that I was not.

Things began to go downhill for us about a month ago. It started with a girl that had met him during the tattoo convention we both attended in August. She tracked him down on myspace and confessed her “crush” on him. They proceeded to have cyber sex and during the course of one of these “conversations” he told her that the only reason he was with me was because we were in a lease together. Now, I will admit that I was wrong to read his email, but he left it up and curiosity got the best of me. I confronted him about it and he said that wasn’t how he really felt. Yet to me why would he have chosen to say that exact thing if the thought had not crossed his mind. Our argument was very ugly. At first he wasn’t sure what he wanted out of life or if he wanted me to be a part of his finding out. At that point I told him that we should break up then. I deserve to be with someone that is in love with me and that wants to be with me. After making that decision (and having half a bottle of vodka) reality of my situation stepped in. I had given everything up for this man, my independence, my apartment, and my job. If we were to break up I would not only lose my boyfriend, but I would be homeless and broke as well. A lot of tears, drunken rambling, a lot of throwing up and a little bit of destruction later I passed out. I awoke the next morning sheepish and embarrassed by my behavior. He did agree that we should try and stay together and work things out.

I thought things were going well between us. We were laughing again. We had some really great sex. He seemed to be content with our lifestyle once more. Unfortunately, I had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. Once again he was cybering with someone he had met on myspace. This time however, instead of living thousands of miles away she was at my own backdoor. I found out on Sunday that he invited her to our home for Wednesday while I was to be working. She had told him time and time again that she was not interested in having sex, yet he was so persistent in his requests. He wanted to take her to a fetish store, he wanted to give her oral sex in a car, and he wanted to screw her in an alleyway. It was all just too much to take. I confronted him and he didn’t even bother to deny it. I asked him if he didn’t want to be with me, why wouldn’t he just tell me? He said that it wasn’t a matter of not wanting to be with me, so much as his wanting more “excitement and adventure”. At that point with not an ounce of trust left I asked him to leave.

Asking him to move out was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It has only been a few days, but already so much makes me miss him. Stupid things like watching the Amazing Race finale or one of the dogs doing something funny. There are many times I think about calling him and telling him all is forgiven and to come back home. But then I think about how much it hurt that he truly does not love me. And I think about just how wrong we really are for each other. So I never pick up the phone.

Things between CB and I have been uglier then I would have liked during this transition time, but it should all be over by this weekend. I am giving myself the rest of this month to be sad, but I want to start 2006 out with a new attitude.

If I could tell him anything it would be this:
I really did love you. I truly cared about your well being, your son, your passions, your friends, and your dreams. I was willing to share my life with no matter how different we were or how much we squabbled. I wish that you were able to see the good in front of you and be happy with what you have. I know in my heart that you will never be happy or satisfied with anyone or anything until you “get right”. I hope that one day you figure that out before it’s too late. Goodbye.

Wildwood Flower

Oh, I'll twine with my mingles and waving black hair
With the roses so red and the lilies so fair
And the myrtle so bright with the emerald dew
The pale and the leader and eyes look like blue.

Oh I'll dance, I will sing and my laugh shall be gay
I will charm every heart, in his crown I will sway
When I woke from my dreaming, my idols was clay
All portion of love had all flown away.

Oh he taught me to love him and promised to love
And to cherish me over all others above
How my heart is now wond'ring no mis'ry can tell
He's left me no warning, no words of farewell.

Oh, he taught me to love him and called me his flow'r
Tha's blooming to cheer him through life's dreary hour
Oh, I long to see him and regret the dark hour
He's gone and neglected this pale wildwood flow'r.




You nailed it June. Now if I could only find a Man In Black of my very own...

And so it goes.....

The Cabana Boy and I are through. I am single once again. It didn't end pretty, but it wasn't as ugly as it could have been. Maybe someday soon I'll feel up to blogging about it, but right now all I want to do is curl up with my puppies and have a good cry.

When is enough enough?

At what point does a person say to themselves that to continue on their current path is akin to committing suicide of the soul?

When does one realize that they are being a glutton for punishment?

Why does one take and take while the other gives and gives until there is nothing left?

How can one constantly disrespect, dishonor, and disconnect from one that they claim to love?

What will it take for one to finally take a stand and make a choice?

Where will the line be drawn in the sand?




I think I know...

I'm insatiable...

when it comes to sex.
The more I get the more I want.
The less I get the more I want.
I don't want just one orgasm,
I want multiples.
I don't want 15 minutes,
I want an hour of your undivided attention.
I don't just want sex once a night,
I want to be awoken to the feeling of you sliding inside me.

I want
I want
I want

*sigh*

Internet Infidelity

In today's society with all things online it makes it harder and harder to have hard and firm relationship boundaries. If the act doesn't involve physical contact is it still cheating? Apparently, according to some, having an online relationship is having an "emotional affair". I think I believe that to some degree. Unless the topic of online play has been discussed in a relationship it can definitely feel like betrayal. Especially when the "other woman" knows of your existance and does everything in her power to entice online. Or what about the significant other that turns every innocent conversation with a member of the opposite sex into something sexual? For example, telling her how hot she is, would she ever consider having sex with him, what kinds of sex does she like, etc.

I personally find it all so damn frustrating. Over and over I see married men trolling online for play. Why not play online with their wife? Send her a naughty email or start up a raunchy IM conversation. If one of you doesn't have access to the internet during the day give her a quickie style phone call or send a naughty text message. Or maybe it is the thrill of the chase that he's missing. Maybe he's just looking for someone to feed his ego. I really don't know.

The hard part for me personally is that I met Cabana Boy online. Our relationship started out as meaningless online play. Then we moved to phone calls and naughty IM's. Then we met and the rest is history. In the beginning of my fun with Cabana Boy I had no intention of EVER meeting him in person. He wasn't my type. Honestly, his picture on myspace frightened me a bit. Then as I got to know him I started to fall for his charm. The one day after two weeks of asking me to fuck him in his piercing room he decides that our first time needs to be more special since he is developing feelings for me. And there I was meeting a guy I swore I would never meet cause it was just "fun". And that right there is what makes me nervous about him "playing around online". Because I know that despite the best intentions that something real can develop in the cyber world. I know that not only did I meet Cabana Boy online, but I have also forged friendships online that have lead to life long relationships. I've traveled thousands of miles to meet someone that I had only ever typed to before. So don't ask me not to be upset about things said online. I KNOW they have meaning behind them. Don't ask me to turn the other cheek when you flirt with every girl that isn't me online. Don't ask me not to worry when the only girls you look at online are the ones that I'm not. And don't treat me like I'm overreacting because you and I both know that things said online can sometimes come true.

I had a dream about you last night

We were in the middle of a crowd, hadn't seen each other in ages, I saw you first, my cheeks flushed at the thought of us together. Your eyes meet mine, first in confusion, then surprise, and finally lust. You maneuver your way through the sea of people and reach for my hand. I'm timid at first, butterflies in my belly and my heart racing. We embrace as old friends and the standard questions emerge, how have you been, what are you up to now, do you remember the time we. You ask where I'm headed to and I ask where you've been. I know that time doesn't matter when it comes to the two of us. I whisper to you that I'm on my way home. You ask if you may walk me there. I nod yes as you take my hand and we begin to walk. Each step brings memories of laughter shared, secrets revealed, truths told, and passion ignited. When we reach my front door, you ask to come in. I say yes. You ask to be part of life once more. I say yes. You ask me to forgive you. I say yes. You ask me if I still love you. I say yes. You ask me to spend my life with you. I say yes.

And then my dream ends. I wake with a sense of emptiness because you aren't there beside me. I wonder if wherever you are if you are dreaming of me. I wonder what if...

Contradictions

I love you
but
I don't trust you

I miss you when you're gone
but
you drive me crazy when we're together

I want the life we are choosing to make together
but
I'm afraid we are too different to make it last

Life is such a contradiction
but
who said it was supposed to be easy?

Random Thoughts

Hello my lovelies. Life has been one big rollercoaster ride for me lately and I've not been online much. Here's a quick update...

On the professional note, I have quit my 9-5 job. It's quite scary having to depend on the Cabana Boy for everything, but we are trying to open a tattoo shop. I want to get a part time gig until the shop is up and running though. I was thinking something easy like retail or nannying. I have also started my own side business doing henna and glitter tattoos. Can anyone help me start a website for that? So far that is going well. I am working on my skills and have actually been paid for my work. WOOHOO!! I also made it on the local news doing henna at a hurricane relief benefit. That would have been so awesome had I not looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, yet I digress.

On the relationship note, things have been rocky for CB and I. We have a hard time communicating on a good day and when we are both stressed we just seem to bicker constantly. The good news is that neither one of us is ready to give up. He met my dad while we were on vacation in Florida last month and didn't run away screaming so that is always a good sign.

On the emotional note, well things have been better. Depression has been hanging over me like a dark cloud. It has been very hard for me to be motivated about anything lately. With all this free time it makes it easy for me to dwell on the past and everything that is wrong with the now. I'm not sure how to fix myself yet, but I am searching for answers. This blog really helps me vent, so thank you to all of those who read my crap. LOL
I am extremely lucky to have begun a new friendship with a gorgeous tattooed vixen. She is a wonderful addition to my fabulous family of friends.

So now you are caught up on all things Bex. I promise to write again soon. TTFN

I feel old

Today is my 27th birthday. I feel really old. Gone are the days of birthday cards with money, gifts, parties and cakes. Here are the days of rushed phone calls, empty cards, practical gifts, and being lonely.

The last few birthdays have been kinda depressing for me. I wanted to have accomplished so much by 25, and now at 27 I am no closer then I was before. I feel 30 looming on the horizon and wonder where I will be in three years. Will I have finally finished college? Will I be married and in love? Will I have children? Will I be in a career I love instead of a job I hate?

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Birthdays are just no fun anymore once you get old.

Labyrinth

Ever since I have been reading BDSM blogs I have been noticing more and more references to the topic of D/s. I must admit that I am a little curious about lving a D/s lifestyle as I have always been a naturally submissive person. For me, however, I would need the kind of relationship in which I would still be allowed to be head-strong and independent as well as receive a lot of reassurance and love along with the "punishments and demands".

This weekend Cabana Boy and I were watching the Labyrinth and the following quote at the end of the movie really stuck out as a very Dominant thing to say,
"Jareth: I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."

How true that is. He is asking for her submission and in her giving such submission he submits to her as well. Interesting dynamic, don't you think?

It's so hawt

I think I just might melt. We moved into a house with no air conditioning. My whole life I have been coming to Colorado during the summers to visit my mom and her family. None of them have air conditioning. Yet it seems that either the global warming has produced much hotter summers or as you age and get fat you just feel hotter. My mom used to dress me in a sweatsuit with shorts and a tshirt underneath in the mornings. It was always chilly in the morning, dew would be glistening on the grass beneath the morning sun. Now it feels as if it has never cooled off during the night, and I can't remember the last time I actually saw dew on the grass.

Even Diva the Wonder Dog has lost the bounce in her step and just wants to lay beneath the fan. Our American Bulldog baby (Freckles) pants so much she is a giant walking puddle of drool. It's too hot to sleep. It's too hot to clean. It's too hot to do anything but lay near a fan and eat Otter Pops. It's almost too hot for sex. Key word being almost. ;)

What is love?

I've been thinking about what it means to be in love a lot lately. It seems like so often that the word love is tossed around as casually as a pair of sneakers. The way love is shown to us in movies seems to bring an unrealistic expectation of what it should be. I find myself longing for things that no man has given me. Is that because I have yet to find my "one" or because that in the real world relationships don't work that way?

I have so many questions and so few people to ask about what makes a relationship good and what love is. It is times like this I miss my Grandmother tremedously. She always expressed her love for her husband passionately and truthfully. I wish I had thought to ask her these questions before she passed away. There have been so few examples of a positive relationship shown to me in my life. While my mom's parents were married for over 50 years my grandmother was not a person to express any emotion. My mom's sister has been married 30 years and she is such a frigid, prude I would never feel comfortable asking for advice. I used to idolize 2 couples as what I wanted my marriage to be like. One of them divorced this past year. I plan on having a deep conversation with the other over a bottle of wine.

I torment myself watching movies like The Notebook. I watch this couple overcome tough odds to be together so passionately, to be married for 100 years, only to share their last breath together in each other's arms. I sobbed for a good hour after watching this, longing for someone to love me that much. For someone to need me in his life so bad it creates a physical pain, for someone to love me so much he can't bear the thought of being away from me. For me to love someone so much that I sacrafice my needs for his, for me to be so connected with him that it no longer matters the heartache I suffered before he came into my life.

Is that what being in love is supposed to feel like? Is that how it is supposed to go? Is it supposed to be that flame that burns so hot that while it may dim it will never truly be extinguished? Is that why I walk around frustrated in all my relationships as if he can never do enough, because I have yet to meet the "match"?

Or is love a slow growing feeling? More like a good friend that you can be comfortable with no matter what? Is love the fireworks or is it the picnic on the fourth of july? Is it a dozen long stem roses or a small bunch of sunflowers? And that, my dear readers, is my conundrum. I'm not sure what my feeling for the Cabana Boy is and because of that I feel more insecure then ever.

I care for him deeply. I'm committed to him 100%. I'm willing to stand by him through all his health problems and raise his child as if he were my own. It hurts me when he is hurting. I want to fix whatever problem he may have. I feel tremendous guilt if anything I do disappoints him. I enjoy being with him. I want to spend time with him. I miss him when he is gone.
At the same time I am endlessly frustrated by him. Frustrated that he doesn't tell me nice things like I look pretty, that he finds me sexy, that he loves me, that he can't live without me. Frustrated that we aren't having sex everyday and that he doesn't really kiss me, deep and passionate like he would devour me if he could. And frustrated that maybe I am expecting too much. He does call me often throughout the day just to check on me. He wants me to hang out at his shop and with his friends. He comes home early to spend time with me watching a movie together. Is that what love is? Am I missing out because I'm settling? Or is love really this, being with someone not because they get you wet, but because they make you smile in your heart?

I beg of you dear readers, will you please give me your definition of love?

And baby makes 3?

No, I am not pregnant. But Cabana Boy's ex-girlfriend is. And it's his kid. And I just found out about the situation this week. So, now you are all probably wondering what am I gonna do about it. Well, it's like this.....

I feel that everyone deserves one major fuckup in a relationship. Things between Cabana Boy and I have been far from perfect. When it comes down to it though we have really been trying to make things work. There are a few issues with him that I have to decide if I can live with, mainly his diabetes. And our moving in together was my way of making a commitment to him to try.

I do feel lied to and betrayed. He is well aware of that fact. He is very sorry he did not tell me sooner and that he chose instead to hide things from me and lie to me. I do wonder that if he could hide something this big, what else is he capable of hiding. The trust in our relationship is gone, and it will take a lot of work on his part to get it back. He had already been working on a lot of the issues we had previously discussed, and so far has really been making the effort to get us back to where we need to be.

My personal policy has always been never to date a man with children. My reason for this stems from my childhood. My father had sole custody of me and went through numerous wives and girlfriends throughout my childhood. Each time one of these relationships ended I was left with a broken heart never to see that woman again. I swore to myself that I would NEVER put another child through that kind of heartache.

However, I have decided at this time to stick by him. We are going to try and get custody of his son (to be born sometime this summer) as his ex and his ex's family are completely psychotic and not a good environment to raise a child in. (So if anyone can refer us to a good family law attorney in the Houston area that would be fabulous.) We need to talk with an attorney and see what can be done. Cabana Boy is going to try and talk to his ex first and see if he can reason with her, but we don't have much hope for that. I truly do empathize for her situation and can completely understand how she feels, but now is the time to stop thinking about herself and start thinking about what is best for her child.

I spent a lot of time agonizing this decision. I know that I am risking major heartbreak, not just if Cabana Boy breaks my heart again, but of losing a child I will have loved as my own. We have discussed this fact and will hopefully be able to come to some sort of agreement if that situation were ever to occur.

The path I've chosen is not the easy one, but I always seem to choose the rough road. Even though that road is hard, I always come out a better person for taking it.

A little can go a long way

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. It seems that my life has been spinning out of control as of late. I hate to come on here and just be all woe is me, so I've been keeping to myself.

A small sample of my recent hell:
I threw a rod in my car and had to buy a whole new vehicle.
I've never been so broke in all of my life.
I've been feeling horrible, headaches, colds, just weird.
My job sucks ass and my boss has been a real asshole to me lately.
I had to give away the dog the Cabana Boy bought me cause she was a psycho.
One of my really good friends moved halfway across the world.
We had to put my goats to sleep because the one I hand raised from 3 weeks old got cancer and goats bond for life.
We moved and nothing has gone smoothly, I had to paint our new bathroom 5 times to cover up the horrid green that was in there.
The Cabana Boy and I have major issues to work through and it's not going as well as I had hoped it would.
And to top it all off, my asshole of an ex decided to stalk my best friend and I had to deal with all that mess.

Soooooo........

I have felt awful these last few months. Like nothing I do ever goes right and I can't make a good decision to save my life. I've been going through my day to day like a zombie wiht nothing really making me smile. Until today...

I'm standing in line at Qdoba about to get to the register when I get tapped on the shoulder. This stunning blonde woman leans over and says, "I have this coupon for a 2 for 1, would you like to split it with me?"
I could've cried. I didn't really have the money to spend there, but I wanted the comfort food. So I got my lunch for $3 instead of $10. She was so kind and friendly. I was finally in the right place at the right time for once. That small act of kindness put a smile on my face and gave me a glimmer of hope for what's to come.

So thank you blonde lady at Qdoba. You made my day.

Dilemma

So I barely walk in my front door last night and my cell phone rings. I reach to answer it and whoever it is hangs up. I check the number and it's not one I recognize so I shrug it off. Then my home phone rings. It's a landscaping company. My heart skips a beat. It's the ex. A thousand emotions are racing through me, fear, anxiety, curiosity, anger. He starts to fill me in on his last few months since we have not spoken since the parking lot incident. I listen and keep wondering why he even felt the need to call at all. What is it that he wants from me? He made it perfectly clear before that he didn't want a relationship with me and he damn sure didn't give a shit about me as a friend. So why keep calling?

It was a fairly long conversation, maybe half an hour. I got off the phone feeling confused and just generally upset. He dropped some hints that I wasn't sure how to take. I don't know if he's just fucking with me or if he is trying to tell me the truth without actually coming clean about it. I just don't know what to do about it. Do I confront it head-on or do I just blow it off?

After getting off the phone with the ex I immediately called the Cabana Boy. He listened for a moment and then said we would talk about it when he got home. That kinda pissed me off. It was a big deal to me and he was blowing me off in favor of Chinese food. CB called back about an hour later and wanted to talk, so we did. He offered me no advice, no comfort, no nothing. I took a bath to try and relax. It didn't work. I was sitting on my bed in my towel when CB surprised me by coming home early. I wanted to be happy about that but I wasn't. He is horrible when it comes to making me feel better when I'm upset. That is when I need him to hold me and make me feel secure in my relationship with him. He wants to tickle and play around and that just makes me feel worse and even more isolated from him.

I guess that is why the call from the ex bothered me so much. Because I am so insecure in my relationship with CB. I have no idea where we stand. It would have been so much different if I could've said to him, "Things with CB are great. We are happy and in love."
But I can't say that. I don't know it to be true. And therein lies the dilemma.

I've completely lost focus.

I have been totally blowing off school this semester. I would much rather spend my time screwing around with the Cabana Boy then writing a lit paper, taking a geography quiz, reading my history, or studying our government.

It's totally my fault though. I always want to do the fun things instead of the things I should be doing. No more though. I am buckling down and busting my ass for the rest of the semester. If I can pull a C out of all my classes then they won't cancel my financial aid and I can continue going to school next semester.

The whole point of going back to school was so I could have a career I love and am inspired by rather then a job I loathe that pays the bills. Unfortunately, this job that I loathe is coming to an end. I have been treated like I am stupid by my boss for the last time. I am agressively pursuing other opportunities now. I've always had my eye out for something more "me", but now I really just need to find a job where I am respected for everything I do.

So my goals for the next 3 months are as follows:
1. Complete the semester with a 2.0 or greater GPA.
2. Find a new job.
3. Find a house to rent for me, the Cabana Boy, the Pool Boy, and all of our four-legged children.
4. Get my finances in order.
5. Start a savings account so I have a little something for a rainy day.
6. Spend more time with my friends.
7. Take more time to take care of me.
8. Start my new CASA case.
9. Eat better and drink more water.
10. Plan a vacation for the end of summer.

If I can accomplish all of those tasks I will be well on my way back to me. And maybe I will even be less cranky/sad/stressed too.

New Puppy

This is so late in coming, but I have not been in the blogging mood as of late. A few weeks ago the lovely Cabana Boy deceided that we needed another dog because the 4 we already have between us isn't enough. Not only that but we needed another big dog because the 2 American Bulldogs and the Pitbull aren't enough big dogs. So we look in the paper at all the dogs available and he tells me to call on a few of them. I really wanted a Chihuahua. I already have a 3lb Yorkie and I wanted something that would be close to her size so she would have a snuggle buddy.

So later that day we end up going to look at an American Bulldog/English Mastiff mix. Once we get there we are told there is also an American Bulldog/Great DAne mix available as well. So we play with both dogs, and CB look at me and says, "Which one do you like better?"
"The Dane mix because she's friendlier."
So he buys her for me. Just like that. Her name is Madison and at 6 months old she is already weighing in at around 70 lbs.

We get her home and she is completely glued to me. She thinks she is a lap dog. All she wants to do is snuggle up. I fell in love with her immediately. That is until we realized that her previous owner had trained her to only go potty in her kennel. She has no idea what to do outside, she can't walk on a leash, and she knows no commands. There is absolutely no way I can handle her. She's crazy. I tell him that he needs to take her to his house and let his other dogs help train her. This idea is cemented when I get home from work the second night we had her.

I come home and Diva the Wonder Dog is standing in the middle of the living room with her head down and tail between her legs. I look around and she has done nothing wrong. I go to let Madison out of the guest bathroom and Diva takes off. I open the door and OH MY FUCKING GOD. This dog has shit in the bathroom. Not only did she shit and piss in there but she has spread it EVERYWHERE. The floor, counter, tub, walls, and door are covered in shit. And there she sits tail wagging. I call the CB and tell him that I am bringing the dog to him NOW. I can't handle her and he better come up and help me clean this mess up. My poor bathroom will never be the same. Did I mention that no one lived in my apartment before me and that it was BRAND NEW when I moved in? Disgusting.

Madison lets me give her a sponge bath and I put her in the car and head down to CB's shop. We take her to his house and explain to his roommate the situation. Flash foward to now and Madison is doing so much better. CB's roommate has worked wonders with her. I saw her last Saturday and she was already more relaxed and playful. She remembered me too. :) She's going potty outside now and he is working on getting her leash trained. Maybe in another few weeks she can spend the weekends with me. But I'm keeping her out of the bathroom! LOL

It's Roller Derby Baby

I am seriously considering becoming a Rocky Mountain Rollergirl. I think beating the shit outta people while wearing a skirt sounds like too much fun. Plus all that skating would really get my JLO butt bumpin. The only thing I'm worried about is getting seriously hurt. I can handle a few bumps and bruises, but I value all my bones being in one piece. Still, I am intrigued enough to call the captain and chat with her a bit. I definately want to go check out some matches and maybe skate around with them a bit. I haven't been on skates since the rollerblading incident of 1999. Maybe I should dust off my wheels this weekend and hit the bike path.

Rocky Mountain Rollergirls

Anxiety and Insecurity

Did you ever have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something bad is going to happen because things are going too well in your life? I kinda feel that way today. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I just feel super anxious. I'm all jittery and I have all of the Butterfly Pavillion's residents visiting my stomach. Plus that just seems to be my pattern, really good is always followed by really bad. I know that the good times seem better because the hard times have been ridden out, but for once I would like to know what it feels like to have a drama free life, to just be happy with myself and the ones that I love. I think this feeling is coming from my relationship insecurites with the Cabana Boy. He is so wonderful that I am waiting to see what is wrong with him. Does that make any sense at all? It's like he is too good to be true. Maybe I only feel this way because I've only experienced heartbreak when it comes to men.

I've loved three men in my dating life, my first love that I just realized I let go of a long time ago, my ex fiancee who was the first man to show me kindness and romance, and my punk rock chef that showed me what a true honest relationship is like.

My frist love lied, stole, and cheated me out of everything and everyone I cared about. He broke me down emotionally so that I felt he was my only option. It took a lot of years to let him go and move on, and now that I have I really feel like I am in a relationship now with a completely open heart.

My ex fiancee was the first man to bring me flowers just because, he spoiled me rotton. He was also the first man that I lived with. He was successful, charming, romantic, loving, and generous. He also cheated on me for a year with two other women. That really hit me hard as I felt that I had been living with a stranger for 2 years, that I had been living one big lie. In the the end though, I was relieved that I hadn't married him because while I loved him, he wasn't the "one".

My sweet chef, I can not say a single bad thing about him. We just had bad timing. For some reason I never felt insecure or jealous at all with him. We were always completely honest with each other. For instance, there was one night that we were just chatting and he had come from a work related party. He told me that there had been a waitress that he had been interested in and by the time he was single she had quit. He told me she had been at the party and he had spoken to her. He told me that if she had been single he would have been interested in asking her out. At that point we agreed that if either one of us wanted to see someone else we would let the other know before we did anything. Not that making that agreement didn't break my heart just a little cause I wanted him to only be interested in me, but I knew that he needed his freedom at the time. We never did see anyone else until we stopped seeing each other and he is the only ex I would ever consider dating again.

So in order to put my restless mind at ease I decided to ask my CB a few questions last night as we were laying in bed.
"Baby, have you read my blog lately?"
"No. I'll read it tomorrow."
"Baby, have you ever cheated on anyone?"
"No."
"What do you consider cheating?"
"Consensual sex including kissing. Why are you asking me this stuff?"
"I dunno. This whole thing with my cousin got me thinking about cheating and stuff. Baby, are we exclusive?"
"Of course we are. Why are you being so weird?"
"Because you are so wonderful that I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with you."

And he is wonderful. There are a multitude of little things he does that melt my heart.
*He calls me just to say hi.
*He holds my hand wherever we go.
*He makes me laugh.
*He drives one hour just to see me.
*He loves my annoying little dog.
*He lets me whine when I'm not getting my way.
*He helps me clean up the world's biggest dog mess at midnight after he's worked all day. He actually got down on his hands and knees and scrubbed the floor.
*He surprises me by coming home early and taking a Sunday off.
*He is nice ot my friends and family.
*He doesn't get mad at me when I'm having a jealous/insecure moment.
*He takes care of me in ways I didn't know I needed.
*He has no problem with PDA as he likes to stick his hands in my back pockets and pinch my ass.


A friend of mine sent me this quote today, "She who is brave is free." I am going the brave route and taking that blind leap of faith. Whatever happens is meant to be and I can't change the course of fate. Now if someone would just tell that to my belly...

Sometimes I am not a good girlfriend.

I am horrible at the whole communication thing. I always feel like if I say how I'm feeling that I'll either be taken advantage of or made fun of. Blame it on my horrible first relationships. Blame it on my parents. Blame it on the ostrich side of my family. Blame it on me for having such a hard time just getting over it. The problem with not saying how I feel when I feel it is that then I stew over it. And as I stew over it I begin to get pissed off. And then I just get super bitchy and he feels like it is for no reason and gets pissed off. Then we fight and nothing gets resolved. All I've accomplished is pushing away someone I care about another step further. Not that this has happened with the Cabana Boy, at least not yet, I hope not ever. I've just done some slight bitchy things at inappropriate times. Thursday night was one of those times. He had a horrible day. He had developed an infection and had to go to the doctor for tests all day. Needless to say, he was in severe pain. Yet, he drove all the way to my house (1 hour) to come see me anyway. And as someone that is not feeling good will do, he was a little whiney.
Well, I was so happy to be seeing him as I hadn't seen him since Monday morning. All I wanted was to cuddle up with him and try to make him feel better as well as I could. Only to find out that I can't. There is absolutely nothing I can do for him. I hate the helpless feeling that creates. And even trying to do the little things to make him semi-comfortable I still wasn't doing enough. So because I am frustrated that I can't help relieve his pain, I can't be with him the way I want, and I can't make it all go away forever I get super bitchy. I become insensitive to how he feels because I don't know how to deal with the situation.

All I can do at this point is try to make sure I don't do this again, to be honest about what I feel when I'm feeling it, and not to forget all the wonderful things he does for me. Things like driving an hour just to see me even if he's in pain or just tired, like holding me close during a scary movie, like always listening to me complain about all my issues and my friend's issues, and most of all like going to weird super trendy emo parties with me on one of his busiest nights of the week. He really is a great boyfriend to a sometimes horrible girlfriend.

I'll take you to the candy shop...

boy one taste of what I got, I'll have you spendin all you got.....

Damn. I love this fucking song. It makes me want to hit the club and dance. That's one of things I dislike about Denver, there are very few decent hip hop clubs here. Yeah, house/techno/trance is ok. I like some of it. I can dance to it. It's just not the same as going to a true hip hop club and gettin my groove on. Dancing in a hip hop club is like being in a giant orgy with your clothes on. It entices all your senses, the thump of the bass reverberating through your body, the heat of sweaty bodies pressed together, the rhythm of the music pulsating in your ears. Gully girls in short skirts, high heels, and low cut shirts. Baller boys rollin mad deep, baggin and saggin, sportin the latest jersey with matchin Timbs. Getting into that perfect rhythm of give and take, grinding up against one another. It's pure, unadulterated foreplay. I love it. So thanks 50, for giving me yet another song to get my eagle on, shake it like a salt shaker, back that thang up, bump and grind, freak, and bounce to.

[Intro: 50 Cent]
Yeah...
Uh huh
So seductive

[Chorus: 50 Cent & Olivia]
[50 Cent]
I take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollypop
Go 'head girl, don't you stop
Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)
[Olivia]
I'll take you to the candy shop
Boy one taste of what I got
I'll have you spending all you got
Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)

[Verse 1: 50 Cent]
You can have it your way, how do you want it
You gon' back that thing up or should i push up on it
Temperature rising, okay lets go to the next level
Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle
I'll break it down for you now, baby it's simple
If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho
In the hotel or in the back of the rental
On the beach or in the park, it's whatever you into
I got the magic stick, I'm the love doctor
Have your friends teasin you 'bout how sprung I gotcha
Wanna show me how you work it baby, no problem
Get on top then get to bouncing round like a low rider
I'm a seasons vet when it come to this shit
After you broke up a sweat you can play with the stick
I'm tryin to explain baby the best way I can
I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands (ha ha)

[Chorus]

[Bridge: 50 Cent & Olivia]
Girl what we do (what we do)
And where we do (and where we do)
The things we do (things we do)
Are just between me and you (oh yeah)

[Verse 2: 50 Cent]
Give it to me baby, nice and slow
Climb on top, ride like you in the rodeo
You ain't never heard a sound like this before
Cause I ain't never put it down like this
Soon as I come through the door she get to pullin on my zipper
It's like it's a race who can get undressed quicker
Isn't it ironic how erotic it is to watch em in thongs
Had me thinking 'bout that ass after I'm gone
I touch the right spot at the right time
Lights on or lights off, she like it from behind
So seductive, you should see the way she wind
Her hips in slow-mo on the floor when we grind
As Long as she ain't stoppin, homie I aint stoppin
Drippin wet with sweat man its on and popping
All my champagne campaign, bottle after bottle its on
And we gon' sip til every bubble in the bottle is gone

[Chorus 2x]

Just to be sure...

I went and made sure that the cheating cousin didn't have a new profile up on AFF. He doesn't and that made me quite happy. I was kinda worried if he just fed me a bunch of bullshit to get me off his ass. It wouldn't be the first time I fell for a guy's line. And that just got me to thinking about cheaters and cheating. In 2005 what constitutes cheating has a lot of room for interpretation, what would be cheating to one may not be cheating to another. The whole situation with my cousin got me to take a look at my own life and I started thinking about what I would consider cheating. Every guy I have ever loved has cheated on me with the exception of one. And by cheating I mean, had sex with a member of the opposite sex while we were in a monogomous relationship and lied to me about it. The only boyfriend that didn't cheat on me was the most honest relationship I ever had. I felt comfortable in telling him anything without feeling silly or stupid. We had the agreement that if either one of us ever wanted to be with someone else sexually we would let the other know and discuss it at that time. That time never came however because we eventually grew apart and started dating other people. That was also the easiest breakup I've ever had with the least amount of heartache.

So, with technology being what it is and finding my cousin scoping chicks online I began to think about what I would be able to tolerate in a relationship.
First and foremost I should say that these comments would only apply to a monogomous relationship. I assume that when a guy tells me I'm his girlfriend that his intentions are monogomy. I also assume that until we get to that point we are both free to see other people, however if we are having sex I think we owe it to each other (in the spirit of safe sex) to be upfront if we are having sex with other people as well.

Obviously, having sex with a member of the opposite sex is cheating. Any sexual contact is cheating to me, this includes penetration, oral sex, hand jobs, fondling, and serious making out. Pretty much all unforgivable in my book.
Sex with a member of the same sex is where it gets gray for me. I'm not sure how I would feel about this as this has never happened to me.
Bringing another woman into my bedroom would depend on the relationship. At the very least there could be contact between her and my man. I am waaaay to jealous for that to occur in front of me. Then again, maybe if I was in a relationship where I completely and whole heartedly trusted my man I would be ok with it.
Cybersex/phone sex, again another gray area. I've heard this type of thing called an "emotional affair". I also know of some people that have left their spouses for an online lover. This would be a touchy subject with me as well. I think if I were told about it and we talked about it and I felt secure enough in my relationship I might be ok with it under the right circumstances. Online flirting and sexual innuendo would also fall under this catagory. While a lot less intense, this might still bother me a little but I would be willing to overlook it.
An innocent kiss, in person flirting, and the occasionally off the cuff remark could all be overlooked as well given the situation and the level of trust I have in my man.

And therein lies the rub, it's all about honesty, trust, and communication. If you don't have any of those things maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship to being with. And that's the part I don't get. Why do people cheat? I have never cheated on anyone. When I am with someone, I am 100% loyal. If I even entertain a thought about being with someone else I take a long hard look at me relationship and if necessay end it right then and there. So why risk losing someone you love over a meaningless fling, especially if you are married? I don't understand that part.

So dear readers, please enlighten me. What do you consider cheating? Have you ever cheated? Why do people cheat? And is/was there anything your significant other could have done/did to prevent the cheating from happening?

What ever happened to foreplay?

I'm gossiping with my girlies and as usual the conversation inevitibly turns to men and sex. And on this particular occasion there seemed to be a general consensus that men are no longer providing adequate foreplay. Gone are the days of teasing, now it's all about getting down and dirty as fast as possible. While we are still enjoying the sex part (well some of us anyway), women need foreplay in order to really feel good. Men should know this by now, but for some reason foreplay is no longer in vogue. How sad that is for our kitties. I personally love the foreplay aspect of sex. Don't get me wrong though, I love a good quickie too, I just don't want that to be the only way I have sex. Variety is the spice of life after all. There is just something about a man that gives good foreplay though. It really makes me want to please him even more. Foreplay also shows your partner that you still find them sexy and desirable, otherwise they might start thinking all they are to you is a means to an end. Foreplay makes the sex about the people and not just about the orgasm. It must be said though, again in my opinion, that the orgasms are even greater with and during foreplay then without. And you know the old saying, "If you kiss me then I'll kiss you back."

So what constitutes foreplay you ask? Well, for me, it would consist of some if not all of the following:
Playing with my hair - This could be stroking or pulling depending on the mood.
Caressing my face - Especially with the back of your hand against my cheek.
Kissing - I love kissing. Long, slow, wet, gently sucking on tongues and lips, hard and passionate, soft and gentle, MMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMM kissing is very good.
Necking - Moving my hair so that my neck is available for you to bite and kiss upon makes me very hot. Combine this with pulling my hair and you've really got me.
Boobies - The girls require attention too, after all they are a sexual organ. Kissing, sucking, biting, caressing, fondling, and nuzzling are all good.
Arms - It is amazing how sensitive the crease of my elbow and wrist can be to light kisses and gentle sucking.
Hands - It's amazing what a little finger sucking will get you.
Belly - Some women like to be kissed in this area, some women like a little tongue action in the bellybutton. I'm not real keen on this area, so if you skip it that's fine by me.
Back - Surefire way to get any woman relaxed without alcohol is to give her a nice, gentle backrub. This shows you care about her. I love it when my guy comes up behind and begins kissing the back of my neck and back.
Bootie - This is a very sensitive area for a lot of women. While most women love to have their ass caressed and kissed, you must be careful when venturing in any farther. Just as you are also sensitive to this, she is as well. For a lot of women, myself included, letting your man in through the backdoor requires a high level of trust. Trust that they won't hurt you and will be sensitive to your feelings.
Legs - Every woman I know has an off the beaten path hotspot, mine is behind my knees. Kiss me and caress me there and I will be your forever.
Feet - A very erotic area. You must be careful not to tickle though if you want your girlie to take you seriously. ;)
And last but certainly not least, the kitty - If you've done some really good teasing and ignored the kitty up until now, you should find her dripping with anticipation. The more you tease the kitty the hotter she gets. The more she wants you.

I promise you that the more attention you pay her, the greater your rewards will be. It is all about reciprocation with foreplay. You give a little and you get a little more back. Foreplay, just like Burlesque, is all about the tease and teasing is fucking HOT.

Silly Quiz Results

You have strong sub tendencies. You take pleasure
from serving your partner like a highly trained
geisha, or being tied up and spanked. You are
obedient and love surrendering physical and
mental control. Well done for completing this
test as instructed; I shall tell your Mistress
I found you to be very well behaved.


Are you Dominant or Submissive?
brought to you by Quizilla

Take the quiz: "Which deviant fetish should you indulge in? (sexy pictures)"

Corset Fetish
Sexy yet constricting. Corset fetish is all you. The variety of corsets are incredible - from vinyl, lace, PVC, latex and many others. Whether you love the feeling of constriction around your waist or you simply love the curvy figure that appears when you slip a corset on - it always seems to look amazing!


pretty fucked.


what fucked version of hello kittie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Boobies' Names Are: Dessert and Dinner

Get your own Boobie Names

Your Girl Parts Are Named: Love Muffin

Get your own Sex Name

You should try Bondage!

Something light to start out with...

Use scarves or sashes to tie your partner to the bed and have your way with him or her.

Or hand the control over to your partner and see where she or he takes you.

Trying something out of the ordinary, with the thrill of power play, can add delicious spice to a relationship.



What Should You Try in Bed?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Rough, But Slightly Romantic

You like it when things get a little rough, but you also love to get
romantic and soft with your partner.



Do You Like it Rough and Dirty? Or Soft and Romantic?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Sexy and Loveable!

You are romantic sexy.

Your partner knows you're sexy and that's all that matters.



How Sexy Are You?

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Your pussy isn’t sweet or sour; IT’S SALTY!

You're not a sweet waif or a total bad ass, just a chick with a primal taste for life.

(And you know how that taste has a trickle down effect.)

Part of it is genetics; you were just born this way.

Part of it is the way you were raised; your momma didn’t raise no fool.

But most of your taste comes from living life and learning the lessons along the way.

(And despite what your worst enemy claims, your taste does not come from too many trips to the free clinic.)

You might think your distinct, signature taste would scare most men off.

Truth is, they love it. Every second of it. They eat it up.

Which brings us back to the whole pussy thing.

It's a tight little circle.



Is *Your* Pussy Sweet or Sour?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

You Are A Nipple Piercing

You're crazy and uninhibited, even with people you just met.

You're likely to be bisexual - and take both sexes at the same time.

You've got the boobs / pecs of a supermodel -

And all your shirts are a size too small!



What Piercing Are *You*?

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As Pure As The Driven Snow....

Hmmmmm. I think this means that Cabana Boy and I need more "play" time.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	48.3% When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself	65.1%
Shamelessness	45.2% Puts 'em on the glass	79.2%
Sex Drive	57.9% A fool for love, but not always	77.6%
Straightness	14.3% Knows the other body type like a map	44.5%
Gayness	85.7% Repressed, are we?	83.8%
Fucking Sick	84.1% Refreshingly normal	90%
You are 57.29% pure Average Score: 72.7%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

For My Cabana Boy

Cause I really miss you when you aren't here, baby. My body aches for your touch and I long to be close to you again. Come home soon.

Baby when I think about
The day that we first met
Wasn't looking for what I found
But I found you and I'm bound to
Find happiness in bein' around you
I'm glad when I'm making love to you
I'm glad for the way you make me feel
I love it 'cause you seem to blow my mind...everytime
I'm glad when you walk you hold my hand
I'm happy that you know how to be a man
I'm glad that you came into my life
I'm so glad
I dig the way that you get down
And you still know how to hold me
Perfect blend, masculine (can't get enough now)
I think I'm in love, damn finally...
I'm glad that you turned out to be
that certain someone special who makes this life worth living
I'm glad you're here, just lovin' me
So say that you won't leave
'Cause since the day you came I've been glad
I'm glad when I'm making love to you
I'm glad for the way you make me feel
I love it 'cause you seem to blow my mind...everytime
I'm glad when you walk you hold my hand
I'm happy that you know how to be a man
I'm glad that you came into my life
I'm so glad

Ya know, I try to be a good lil house mouse....

and he nitpicks at me. And that makes me feel inadequate because I'm not pleasing my man. And that's all I want to do is please him and make him feel happy and loved. Is that too much to ask? I mean damn.

So here's the scenario.... He calls me last night and says he's driving up. Awesome! I'm happy!!! He wants to know what I'm making him for dinner. I ask him what he would like. He says steak. (Last week he came home with a case of all different kinds of steaks, so my freezer is packed with meat. LOL) I say ok, call me when you are leaving so I know when to have it ready. Now here's the thing, I have never made steak before. I'm either too broke or the guy I'm dating is too broke to buy steak. Plus, I don't have a grill. And when my parents made steak at home we always grilled it. So I begin calling all my friends to find out how you cook steak without a grill. Angel comes through and tells me how to cook it in a pan. So I season the meat up and start cooking it. I put on rice and green beans as well. I'm feeling quite proud of myself for attempting to do this without someone helping me. So then my darling CB gets home. I haven't seen him since Monday morning, I'm buzzing from 4 Apple Martinis that I downed at Morton's during happy hour, so I am really happy to see him. He comes into the kitchen and gives me a hug and a kiss and says, "What are you cooking those steaks in?"
"A little bit of oil."
"Well, that's not how I wanted them. I was going to cook them."
"You didn't say that. You asked me what I was making YOU for dinner."
"Well, I can fix it."
So he proceeds to dump out the oil and start putting in this Marsala (sp?) wine and mushrooms into the pan. YUCK!!!! He knows I don't eat mushrooms and I'm probably not going to like it. Then he complains that I'm using the wrong utensils for those pans.
That's it. I throw up my hands and tell him that he can finish making dinner by himself and I leave the room. It's all I can do not to cry. I feel awful. At that moment in time it feels like our relationship will never work out. We can't even agree on what to eat for dinner. He's Steak Marsalla and I'm Hamburger Helper. I feel like I don't please him and make him happy. He comes into the office and tries to make amends. I just act casually and try not to be as upset on the outside as I feel on the inside. He asks me to come eat with him, but I have completely lost my appetite. I come out and and put one spoonful of rice and about 5 bites of steak on my plate. I sit down and try the steak. I hate it. It smells horrible and it tastes disgusting. I feed it to the dog.
Our relationship just feels "off" lately. Maybe it's because we aren't in that honeymoon stage anymore. Which if that's the case that sucks cause it really wasn't long enough. Maybe it's because we've both been stressed out lately. Could be that I'm just being way overly sensitive cause I am being visited by Aunt Flo. I have no idea. All I know is that I don't like it. So I decide not to sulk over the whole dinner issue. I do tell him that I am NEVER making dinner for him again. He laughs. I'm serious though. I'm actually a really good cook. He just never gets to see that because he wants to do it his way or he won't eat what I can make.
So we snuggle up and go to bed. I wake up this morning feeling really playful. I've missed him dreadfully these last few days. So we tickle and wrestle around. He pinches me for biting him. Now my arms are covered in tiny little pinch bruises. It was a good morning. It felt right. All is well in our world again. So now that his 7 day hiatus from "us" time is over, maybe I'll get lucky tonight. Or should I say he'll be the lucky one.... as this could be a perfect time to bust out that super sexy outfit. ;)

I am such a girl sometimes.

I watched The Notebook last night. I cried during the movie 3 times and when it ended I cried for about half an hour. That has to be one of the best love stories I have ever seen. I couldn't even tell the Cabana Boy what it was about without getting all teary about it. I want that kind of love. I want that kind of passion. I want that kind of commitment.

So while I love those kinds of movies where the guy gets the girl, I also hate them as well. I hate them because they set up this unrealistic expectation for the way life is supposed to be, the way love is supposed to be. Then when my relationships don't meet that perfect expectation I feel as if I failed somewhere. I suppose though, that is why we watch movies like that, to escape from real life. Who would want to see a movie about a normal everyday couple that falls into a permanant rut until they fall out of love, get divorced, and end up bitter and alone?

Damn this PMS. :p

I hate Mondays

My weekends go by entirely too fast anymore. Monday morning rolls around and the last thing I want to do is get out of bed. Cabana Boy is no help cause he gets to stay in bed and sleep another couple of hours. That just makes me want to stay in bed even more and play. We get so little morning playtime together with our work schedules. And that is such a shame cause when we do get that occasional morning moment together it is just the perfect way to start one's day.

My weekend was fairly uneventful as usual. I spent Friday night writing a paper for my American History class on the Salem Witch Trials. One of the points that I made in my essay was that if the media would have been around then the witche accusations would not have been limited to just Salem. It would have been a widespread worldwide witch epidemic. the theme of the paper was to discuss if similar mass hysteria and paranoia has been prevelent in recent history. I believe that it has. Just look at the Japanese Interment Camps, McCarthyism, and our current hatred of Muslims, and that is just what has gone on in this country. With today's media it takes very little to create panic in the average citizen. I know of an incident during the whole anthrax scare that proved just that. At the time I was working in the apartement industry and I was told this story by another property's employee. It seems that the maintanance guys thought it would be a riot if they slipped some Tide laundry detergent in through the mail slot of the leasing office. Well, the ladies of the office arrive the next morning and see this mysterious white powder all over. Panic ensues and they call the police thinking that some resident has committed domestic terrorism against them for posting a loud music or dog poop letter on their door. Needless to say within a few minutes this property was swarming with police, firemen, Hazmat, and paramedics, all there to address this potential disaster. Once word got to the prankster just how far his small joke had gone he sheepishly admitted his wrongdoing. I believe he was arrested and charged with a few misdemeanors. How sad though. Due to panic created by the media these women never stopped to think how completely irrational an idea that this B level property would be a target for terrorism. Had that been me I would've been pissed off that some unfunny asshole was making me have to vaccuum the damn carpet.

Saturday was fun as I attended my cousin's daughter's first birthday party, although technically she is 13 months now, but everyone has been too sick to party. I call my cousin's kids my neice and nephew as they are the closest I get to having the real thing. I absolutely adore these children. They truly light up my life and brighten my day whenever I see them. My nephew was outside playing in the dirt with his dad when I got there. He immediately runs up to me and says, "Auntie Bex, we're eating poo cake today!" We're eating what? LOL He grabs my hand and leads me inside to the birthday cake on the counter and tells me again, "We get to eat poo cake." And while the cake was chocolate, LOL, he was referring to the Winnie the Pooh that was drawn on the cake with icing. He is only two and a half, but smart as a whip. We promptly head back outside to dig in the dirt. He has this little kid's gardening set complete with wheelbarrow. He picks up one fo the tools and ask his dad, "What's this?" "Well, son that is just like daddy's last girlfriend, a dirty ho." To which my innocent little nephew promptly starts running around chanting, "Dirty ho. Dirty ho."

Saturday night I returned home to do some cleaning as the Cabana Boy had a friend coming in from out of town on Sunday and they would both be staying with me Sunday night. I thought it would be fun to plan a little sexy surprise for my favorite man. I had planned to do this for him on Valentine's day, but we ended up eating too late to have any fun with it. Saturday night would be perfect as both of us would be hungry enough for it. I had picked up some strawberries, raspberries, grapes, bananas, and apples as well as the requisite chocolate, whipped cream, and caramel to dip them into. I had a special little outfit for the occasion as well. That kind of outfit that is really hot and sexy in a sort of sweet and innocent way. He had mentioned being home no earlier then 11, so I got into the bath about 9 and started to get ready. I figured once he called to let me know he was on his way home I would have plenty of time to get the food ready. About 10 I'm in my room getting ready to put some yummy smelling lotion on and I hear the door. He's home early and he didn't call!!! Now normally, I would be thrilled to see him, but I'm PMS-y and I wanted to do something special for him so I'm a little pissy. He comes through the door also a little pissy. Not a good thing. So after getting everything settled in he starts asking me what I'm planning on fixing him for dinner. I reply that I had no warning and therefore had not time to prepare anything. And now I am really pissy about the whole thing. Him watching me cut up the fruit takes the romance out of it. My kitchen is connected to the living room, so it is impossible to prepare a surprise. He finally settles on having hot dogs. Fine. I start heating up the water and cleaning the kitchen a little. He comes in and immediately starts in with, "Why aren't the hot dogs in the water?" "Because the water isn't boiling yet." "Uuggghhh, your one of those people. Whoever told you to make hotdogs that way is wrong, baby." And then he proceeds to put the hotdogs in the water. Now I am really pissy. I hate that. Don't ask me to do something for you and then nitpick how I do it. The ex did that to me constantly. It makes me feel inadequate, like I'm not capable of properly taking care of my man. So I tell him that he's know responsible for making his own damn hotdogs and stomp off to my room to sulk. Not only did I not get to do something really special for him, but I can't even make him a simple dinner.
He comes in and tries to make up with me and I refuse. I'm not done pouting and he has no idea why I am so pissy. He begs me to finish making his dinner. I refuse. He eats his dinner and comes in again to make up. I still refuse. He comes in again and wants to watch me put lotion on. I really refuse now. It makes me very self conscious to be looked at. Unless the looker is saying things like, "Damn baby, you are so sexy (hot, pretty, beautiful, etc). Otherwise, I automatically assume that I am being judged harshly and he's inspecting my numerous flaws. Yet another insecurity brought to you by the Ex and the Ex-white collar fiancee. He begs for a kiss. I offer my lips but refuse to kiss back. I know by now that I have blown this whole thing way out of proportion. I hate it when I do this, but I am so stubborn when it comes to feeling disrespected whether is was unintentional or not. I know in my heart that my Cabana Boy would never intentionally disrespect me in any manner. I still couldn't get past it (damn PMS, my ass is going back on Depo Provera ASAP). Eventually he goes to bed without me, we have never done that before, I don't like it. I finish cleaning the house and go get ready for bed. Where I discover I have lost a contact. Now I need to see if I lost it in my eye. After vigorous searching for about 5 minutes I go to bed and tell the Cabana Boy what happened. He tries to look, but doesn't see anything. Feeling a little more relieved we go to bed. I snuggle up to him and kiss him, my way of apologizing for being a brat.

Sunday morning we get up kinda early for us and head out to the airport. We pick up his friend and go eat brunch at a local landmark, Pete's Kitchen. If you haven't eaten at Pete's at 3am you are missing out. We decide to go see the new Keanu flick, Constantine. I thought the movie was pretty decent, a little creepy, scary, gorey, but I liked the basic premise. After the movie we head home for awhile and hang out. I go into the bedroom to put something away and the Cabana Boy follows me in and proceeds to spank my ass. Hard. Ahhhh yes, the payback for last night's pouting. I deserved it, and I liked it but that is beside the point. For a tattooist his friend is actually quite normal looking and he is very nice. I had been a little nervous at first having some strange guy in my house, but once again I was pleasently surprised. I've got to quit being so paranoid. After dinner I had to hit the books and the guys watched the Grudge. From the 10 minutes I saw of it, I'm glad I missed it. We all headed off to bed after the movie was over. CB and I played around (no sex, ya pervs) and just made each other laugh. I love that part of our relationship, how easy and fun it is. He makes me so happy I actually go to sleep with a smile on my face and when I wake up it's still there. How awesome is that?

So stay tuned, dear readers, for that saucy little outfit is still unseen by my CB. I just need a new idea for another surprise. Any thoughts?

My Valentine

Have I told ya'll lately how very much I adore the Cabana Boy? Well, I do. I really, really do. He makes everyday feel like Valentine's Day. I miss him when he's gone. I think about him constantly. I want nothing more then to please him and make him as happy as he makes me.
Just thinking about his touch and the way he feels keeps me constantly aroused. I always want him. Morning, noon, night, and 10 times on Sundays. LOL ;) I love the way he looks at me, the tender way he holds me during scary movies, and the way he kisses me. I love that he calls just to say hi. I love that he is so silly he makes me laugh all the time. I love that he can take me from cranky or sad to happy and content with a single word or touch. And I love that he bites. Really hard. And what starts out as pain, quickly turns into pleasure. And I love how he knows just when to let go. I love the marks he leaves that ache, because with every ache I am reminded of the pleasure we share. I love the way he takes care of me. *sigh* See how sappy he makes me? LOL

Friends and Former Lovers....

Last Friday night I saw the Ex. It started out well and ended quite ugly. It all ended up being a farce just to get me there. He called and told me that he had some money to give me. I'm thinking, "Great!!! I can really use it." I get there to be handed fourteen dollars. Fourteen dollars. Are you fucking kidding me? And then I discovered the real motive behind the meeting. To cause me pain. The whole situation was just a reminder of how much I have changed since we were together. I met him when I was 14 and desperate to be loved. He showed me kindness and passion and I fell for him. Our relationship was always quite tumultuous and heart breaking. After four years of fighting and making up I finally got up enough courage to say enough. Enough hurting me. Enough disappointing me. Enough. Even though we were no longer speaking he was never far from my mind or my heart. With every relationship I compared the love I felt for them to the love I felt for him. It always seemed lacking. In my heart of hearts I was scared that I would never love another as much as I loved him. Finally, after not speaking for 7 years I had to find him. I felt that I would never be able to move on unless I gave myself that chance to see if the spark was still there. We wrote letters. We spoke. His words once again found that place in my heart that had been in the darkness for too long. He made me smile. He made me cry. I was sure that the Universe was giving us a second chance, and then he came here. And it wasn't the same. We had forgotten how to speak to one another. Our chemistry was off. The sex kinda sucked. Nothing was the same. It broke my heart. I was disappointed at first, but then I began to see what the true purpose of meeting again was. For me to let him go completely. For me to know that there is no going back to those special moments we shared. That while I loved him then, there is no way I could love him now. That my heart could finally be released from his chains and be free to give to someone else. And I found peace, dear readers. For the first time in a long time I found peace. No more nightmares. No more heartache. No more sadness tinting my world.
So this is how I felt when I saw him. Even though he had that hungry look in his eye, I was no longer drawn to it. Even though I had found my peace, he still knows how to hurt me to the core. He is the only person in this entire world that knows how to hurt me that deeply. To punish me for being happy and moving on with my life. He wants to date my best friend, Angel. It was so very devestating to hear those words. Not because he was moving on, but because I knew that such a thing would inevitably cause me to lose the best friend I have ever known. And that tore my heart out, dear readers.
Angel is the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. She is kind, generous, loving, funny, smart, independent, and just plain wonderful. I thank the Universe daily for allowing our paths to cross. Bottom line is that he is nowhere close to being good enough for her. She deserves a true man that will love, respect, and cherish her. The Ex is not that man. Needless to say we fought about this for an hour. During which time he put his hands on me in anger, he grabbed my face and forced me to look at him. If I struggled he held tighter, grabbing at my hair. All to make sure that I could look into his eyes and see the truth. That he is punishing me for moving on. That he is playing a game and doesn't care who gets hurt. That he hasn't really changed deep down at the core of his being. It really makes me quite sad for the boy that I knew. He had such potential then. I would have followed that boy to the ends of the earth. I would have done anything to make him happy. But that boy could not be saved. He would not be loved. And he would turn into this bitter man I know today. I truly hope that the man will someday know the peace I have come to find. I no longer wish him ill will. I no longer trust him. I no longer love him. I just feel pity for him. And that, dear readers, is the saddest part of it all.

Confronting the Scumbag Cousin

Well, dear readers, I finally made up my mind about what to do with that scandelous ass cousin of mine. Recent events have led me to a tentative reconciliation with his mother. We have not really spoken in 3 years. Also, through emails with him I found out that he hasn't actually met anyone yet, so I decided to give him a break and try and prevent it from happening. Here is our email in it's entirety.......


Deal.... When did you figure it out though? I have never met anyone from any site like this though. Just curious I guess. Call me... Do you still have the number?

*Sigh* I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I have really been struggling with the reason that I came across you here, and what to do about it. Such a touchy subject the whole catching someone you know cheating on thier wife, but since it seems as if you haven't met anyone yet consider this devine intervention (insert his full name here). Think long and hard about what you're doing to your wife. Is it really worth losing your marriage over some stupid afternoon fling? Maybe I'm wrong about this whole thing and she knows about your extracurricular activities, and if that's the case more power to you. However, she doesn't seem to be that kind of person and discresion wouldn't be such a big deal if she was playing too. Therefore, I suggest you delete your profile and meet your wife for a nooner. This stays between us for now. Just so you know I will be deleting my profile from here as well, as I have gotten serious with someone myself. I hope that this little incident doesn't effect our relationship. Your cousin.

We could do that. Lunch sounds like a good thing to get started. Let me know when would work best for you.

I was thinking we could maybe meet for lunch or something. Just to verify that there really are real people on this thing. LOL Since neither one of us has actually met anyone yet.

I will be off on weds and Friday this week. What are you thinking?

Your life sounds busy like mine can be. We're both too busy to actually meet anyone from here. LOL So when are your days off this week?

Been extremely busy lately. Betwen having to work 48 and 72 hour shifts at work, truck shopping, keeping up with a class I am taking, and all the normal stuff, uhg! So what are you up to? I have to go and pick up some accessories for the new truck and go to class at noon today. Would love to get to gether with you sometime.

I've been really great, thanks for asking. And you?

NOpe... not yet anyway. Been waiting to hear back from you. How have you been?

You must've found your playmate....

Well... anything specific you would like to know, just ask. What are you hoping to find with the two of us? Anychance of seeing any more photos of you?

Anything else you want to tell me.....

Actually... I do come here often. Just haven't found the right one yet. Looking for someone that wants to get to know eachother and hook up for some hot daytime activities. What else would you like to know?

So tell me a little more about you.... Come here often? LOL I keep hoping to have heard from you each time I log onto the site. Am I ever going to hear back from you? Would love to get to know you and your dreams...

In the spirit of education.....

I am going to start asking my friends and dear readers the tough questions about sex. I think we could all use a little better understanding of the opposite sex. I was so inspired by the fabulous conversation I had with the Sexy Stud Muffin today that I came up with a little questionnaire. If you are game to be honest about your sex life send me an email at: justduckeedates@gmail.com and I will be happy to chat with you!!!

What non-sexual act really turns you on?

What is off limits in the bedroom?

How do you feel about oral?

How do you feel about anal?

What does giving good head consist of?

What do guys/girls want in the bedroom?

What is your favorite position?

What is the worst thing a guy/girl could do in bed?

What is your most embarassing sex moment?

What turns you off?

What do you wish your guy/girl would do more of?

What haven't you tried that you really want to?
Are you afraid to ask for it?

What is your fetish?

What is your best sexual moment?

Give one piece of must know advice to the opposite sex:

A little help from a friend.....

Somehow my friend Sexy Stud Muffin and I came upon the topic of sex. One of the many benefits to having friends of the opposite sex is being able to have an honest conversation about sex without feeling insecure or jealous. *Conversation has been edited to remove personal content not relevent to this blog.

Me: cause I am a good girl and good girls don’t take it in the ass
Sexy Stud Muffin: God, girls are so reserved....
Sexy Stud Muffin: I'm seeing a girl right now down here that has been with the same guy for the last 7 years up until about a month ago
Sexy Stud Muffin: she is the same way.
Me: yeah my rule is if you want to do something to me I get to do it to you first
Me: cause it's not fair to expect me to do something that you yourself wouldn't do
Sexy Stud Muffin: I hear ya... totally crazy way to think about it, but I see what you mean
Sexy Stud Muffin: LOL
Sexy Stud Muffin: This girl and I just got it on for the first time the night before last....
Sexy Stud Muffin: Her and I haven't explored anything together yet.
Sexy Stud Muffin: But you can damn well bet we will.
Sexy Stud Muffin: Shit, our sex was great though!!!
Me: LOL
Sexy Stud Muffin: so needless to say.... she came 6 times in 45 minutes.
Me: DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sexy Stud Muffin: Yea... I’m a stud...
Sexy Stud Muffin: LOL
Sexy Stud Muffin: Yea... and yes I know for a fact that she came... she wasn't faking it.
Sexy Stud Muffin: I know what I'm doin when It comes to pleasing a woman.
Sexy Stud Muffin: Don't mean to brag about it though.
Me: so what is your method?
Sexy Stud Muffin: No method per say... I just know how to fuck....
Sexy Stud Muffin: as long as I am sober mind you... and even if I’m not, I'm still good do go.
Me: knowing how to fuck is good, but there are very few women that can have an orgasm just from penetration
Sexy Stud Muffin: Oh, I totally know that.
Sexy Stud Muffin: when I was younger, an older woman had a sex talk with me... she told me how to please a woman.
Me: well that had to be useful
Sexy Stud Muffin: She told me it was important to know how to please a woman..... and to not think that what I see in a porn movie is how it is done.
Sexy Stud Muffin: So, I learned from a lesbian... I'm still learning though. This one girl I was seeing for a minute is Bi, so she showed me a few things too
Me: well that's cool you got pointers
Me: cause most girls are way too self-conscious to ask for what they want
Me: or try something new
Sexy Stud Muffin: Yea, I know... luckily I've been with a few that had no problem telling me what they wanted.
Sexy Stud Muffin: It also helps that I have the magical ability to control when I come
Sexy Stud Muffin: or if I do, I can keep going... and going... and going....
Me: DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: =P~
Me: lol
Sexy Stud Muffin: hehe..... I've gone for hours... many times.... like all day long fucking sessions.
Me: well I dunno about that long
Me: lol
Me: the kitty does get tired after awhile
Sexy Stud Muffin: If the girl wants it, I can give it to her.
Sexy Stud Muffin: But I know what you mean.
Me: yeah I am just now finding the courage to speak up
Me: so I still have a lot of reservations about a lot of stuff
Sexy Stud Muffin: Definitely do it... you won't regret it. But the same goes both ways too... when you start telling him how to do things, at some point, he will tell you what he wants.
Sexy Stud Muffin: When It comes to sex, I have few reservations about it. Only a few things I won't do...
Me: such as.....
Sexy Stud Muffin: Well, nothing super nasty... and I am not at all into receiving any kind of anal play.... Just the extreme nasty shit....
Me: now see.... that's kinda fucked up
Sexy Stud Muffin: Why is that fucked up? Have you ever received anal before?
Me: cause you want to be playing with your girl's ass and she can't play back
Me: that's not fair
Me: and no my bootie is still untouched LOL
Sexy Stud Muffin: Well, at the point you get it in the ass... you will love it. I've never met a girl that took it in the ass and didn’t love it. They just need to get over it being "taboo"
Sexy Stud Muffin: I guarantee it.
Me: yeah boyfriend really wants to pop that cherry
Me: he may be waiting awhile though
Me: lol
Sexy Stud Muffin: Every girl I've ever met totally loves it.
Sexy Stud Muffin: I think it feels different for a girl than it does for a guy.
Sexy Stud Muffin: not sure though....
Sexy Stud Muffin: even though a guys G spot is in his ass.
Me: the male gspot is in your ass ya know
Sexy Stud Muffin: go figure
Sexy Stud Muffin: I know
Me: lol
Me: jinx
Sexy Stud Muffin: LOL
Sexy Stud Muffin: But there are other ways to hit a guys g spot without having to touch his ass.
Me: true
Me: but some guys freak about that too
Me: no touching the taint
Me: lol
Sexy Stud Muffin: Yea... but it's a little less invasive. Try it on him next time you are giving him head.
Sexy Stud Muffin: start giving him really good head, and I bet he wouldn't even notice
Me: so what constitutes really good head?
Sexy Stud Muffin: The biggest thing is to use your hand....
Sexy Stud Muffin: the combination of the hand and your mouth.... oh yea....
Sexy Stud Muffin: lots of spit
Me: how much attention do the boys need?
Sexy Stud Muffin: um... if you are trying to get him off that way... kinda depends.
Sexy Stud Muffin: some guys can't even get off that way.
Sexy Stud Muffin: using your hand at the same time will definitely help.... how bad is your gag reflex?
Me: I have some good head stuff that curbs the gag reflex
Sexy Stud Muffin: There you go.... that or if he isn't that big for it to be a concern... but use your hand, and periodically, push your head all the way down as far as you can....
Sexy Stud Muffin: another good thing.
Sexy Stud Muffin: It's funny that we are having this conversation... as you can tell, I'm not modest when it comes to this shit.
Me: excellent
Sexy Stud Muffin: Any other questions or advice you want since we're on the topic?
Me: tell me how to please my man oh wise one
Me: seriously
Sexy Stud Muffin: LOL
Me: what do guys want in the sack?
Sexy Stud Muffin: That also depends on the guy... now this isn't speaking for all guys, but a lot of them like it rough.
Sexy Stud Muffin: More of a fucking than "lets make love"
Sexy Stud Muffin: For me, sex that is geared more towards fucking is a lot more fun.
Sexy Stud Muffin: but it's not always the case... depends on the mood too.
Me: favorite postion?
Sexy Stud Muffin: having a girl ride is fun... after a guy has been pumping and doing all the work, switch it up, and you do some of the work.
Sexy Stud Muffin: Gotta let the guy rest.
Sexy Stud Muffin: Doggie is another favorite...
Sexy Stud Muffin: lots of wet slobbery kissing is a plus....
Sexy Stud Muffin: let him pull your hair while doin doggie... some ass slapping.
Me: what's the worst thing a girl can do in bed?
Sexy Stud Muffin: the worse thing??
Sexy Stud Muffin: never laugh!
Sexy Stud Muffin: no matter how innocent
Sexy Stud Muffin: unless it is because of something funny that both of you guys are laughing about.
Me: how would you handle a potential embarrassing situation for a girl?
Sexy Stud Muffin: How do I word this....
Me: seeing as how most girls are afraid of doing something that would potentially make you never want to have sex with them again
Sexy Stud Muffin: For me, many embarrassing things have happened for a girl, but lets admit it, the whole sex thing in general is somewhat nasty as it is....
Me: true when you break it down
Sexy Stud Muffin: so doin a girl doggie, they get a lot of air in them, so when they move, all that air comes out.
Sexy Stud Muffin: I have experienced that many times... I've never really paid much attention to it.
Sexy Stud Muffin: not something you can really help.
Me: ignoring it is good
Sexy Stud Muffin: and hopefully the guy knows that. Most guys that have had any kind of sex life knows the same, and knows to not laugh or make any kind of big deal about it.
Me: what could happen that would really gross you out or turn you off?
Sexy Stud Muffin: hehe...
Sexy Stud Muffin: again, that would depend on the guy... for me personally? I've had girls come all over my face, and they lick it off me... some guys would be grossed out about that...
Sexy Stud Muffin: you know.. the girls that can actually squirt?
Me: I've heard all about the gushing
Sexy Stud Muffin: From what I hear around... not to much would gross a guy out.
Me: although I've yet to have a guy that can make that happen
Sexy Stud Muffin: Well, only some girls can actually do it. But I'm talking about spraying out gushing.
Sexy Stud Muffin: not just super wet
Sexy Stud Muffin: Scared the shit out of me the first time it happened to me... but my god was it hot!!!
Me: LOL
Sexy Stud Muffin: As far as "gross" things happening, hopefully the guy you are with isn't an immature person.. if he is, then he's going to act like a jackass about it....
Sexy Stud Muffin: if something happens, and it is a concern... try to just play it off, like you meant to do it. Or you just ignore it, and keep going.
Me: good advice
Me: anything girls don't do that they should do more of?
Sexy Stud Muffin: Tell the guy what they want.
Sexy Stud Muffin: I'm telling you.. if you tell him to do what you want right in the heat of passion, it's on. It makes it easier to tell the guy right when you're in the middle of it... instead of sitting down talking about it
Sexy Stud Muffin: when he is doing you doggy, tell him to pull your hair... smack your ass etc...
Sexy Stud Muffin: if anything, it'll excite him more.
Sexy Stud Muffin: Teasing is fun too... another one to try.
Sexy Stud Muffin: tease the guy till he feels like his nuts are about to fall off....
Sexy Stud Muffin: then tear him up.... but with that, expect him to not last a super long time.
Me: so in your opinion how can a guy make a girl feel more comfortable to be able to let loose?
Sexy Stud Muffin: My way to do that is to do lots of sweet, soft, yet arousing touching and kissing...
Sexy Stud Muffin: I'd act like I was going to kiss the girl... kind of back up and smile... lick their lips...
Sexy Stud Muffin: grab the back of their head and kiss them lots...
Sexy Stud Muffin: good to kiss and lick their neck and ears...
Sexy Stud Muffin: yea, by then it's on.
Sexy Stud Muffin: Gentle touching is the key.
Me: I agree with all that
Sexy Stud Muffin: And depending on how long you have been with the person, or if it is a fuck buddy, or a one night thing... whisper stuff into her ear...
Sexy Stud Muffin: oh, and during the licking of the neck and hear, breath... especially into thier ear...
Sexy Stud Muffin: Shit... a lot of this shit is shit that turns me on!!
Sexy Stud Muffin: LOL
Me: lol
Sexy Stud Muffin: But it seems to work for the women too
Me: funny how a lot of that stuff works both ways
Me: unlike your ass
Sexy Stud Muffin: True dat...
Sexy Stud Muffin: AND TRUE DAT!
Sexy Stud Muffin: LOL
Sexy Stud Muffin: Yea, steer clear of that one.
Sexy Stud Muffin: But like I said... try the other thing while you're giving him head.
Sexy Stud Muffin: I've had that done to me, and I barely noticed what was going on...
Sexy Stud Muffin: but it sure felt good!!
Me: so how do you make a girl want to pop her bootie cherry?
Sexy Stud Muffin: The guy has to has to HAS TO be gentle about it.
Sexy Stud Muffin: Simple... a guys asks.... she says no, or maybe another time... guy has to respect that.
Sexy Stud Muffin: A lot of times, it is never even asked.... when a guy is doing a girl doggy... a lot of times some touching takes place... then before you know it.. there is a finger in the booty...
Sexy Stud Muffin: that's the first step... to play with it... get the girl used to having that area even touched.
Sexy Stud Muffin: so just start off with playing with it...
Sexy Stud Muffin: open communication about this one is pretty damn necessary... especially if the girl has never received before....
Sexy Stud Muffin: using fingers to loosen is a must too
Sexy Stud Muffin: that muscle expands and contract....
Sexy Stud Muffin: therefore, loosening is required as well as the girl relaxing.
Sexy Stud Muffin: good rule of thumb for the guy... when it happens, hold yourself in there without moving for a minute.... no pumping or anything.... just sit there... once it's a little looser, then go for it.. but be gentle.
Me: so what was your best sexual experience?
Sexy Stud Muffin: Oh man... you sure you wanna hear this one?
Me: yup
Sexy Stud Muffin: My best sexual experience was this girl I dated for a little over a month...
Sexy Stud Muffin: She was one of the few girls that liked it nice and rough.... really rough.
Sexy Stud Muffin: not s&m bondage shit, but she liked to be tossed around
Sexy Stud Muffin: now, not all girls are like her, but he like to have her brains fucked out hard.....
Sexy Stud Muffin: this is the same girl that I've gone hours with
Sexy Stud Muffin: she broke out the monster in me... this girl like to have her hair pulled ass smacked, choked...
Sexy Stud Muffin: you name it, she like it.
Sexy Stud Muffin: one time she actually asked me to smack her while we were going at it.
Sexy Stud Muffin: so I did... she fucking loved it.
Sexy Stud Muffin: right across her face.. open hand of course.
Me: damn
Sexy Stud Muffin: Yea.... it's pretty crazy.. I've never been with a girl like that before.
Sexy Stud Muffin: so anyway
Sexy Stud Muffin: one time, her and I were talking about the sex we have and how fun it was... she told me that it was just getting started...
Sexy Stud Muffin: I asked her what she had in mind... she told me that she was scared about the size of fist I had....
Sexy Stud Muffin: ????"
Sexy Stud Muffin: I'm thinking... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Sexy Stud Muffin: She wanted me to fist her.
Sexy Stud Muffin: NEVER done that before.....
Sexy Stud Muffin: So we were goin at it... I was going down on her....
Sexy Stud Muffin: I drenched my hand in spit, and eased it in...before you know it, my hand all the way up to my wrist was in here.
Sexy Stud Muffin: that was probably my craziest sexual experience.
Sexy Stud Muffin: that night we fucked for about 4 hours... I came probably 4-5 times...
Sexy Stud Muffin: she did the same
Sexy Stud Muffin: Again, very few girls are like that.
Me: I would say a lot of girls might like that but never ask for it
Me: pain that is
Me: not fisting
Me: lol
Sexy Stud Muffin: I think you are probably right.
Sexy Stud Muffin: Well, after that girl... I started exploring it with other girls... not to that extreme, but the choking and hard hair pulling and stuff
Me: hair pulling is fabulous
Sexy Stud Muffin: it is isn't it? Even for the puller....
Me: there's just something about that show of dominanace
Me: mmmm mmmmmm
Sexy Stud Muffin: the dominance thing goes both ways though
Sexy Stud Muffin: I've had girls "dominate" me...
Sexy Stud Muffin: and that's a lot of fun too.
Me: what haven’t you done that you want to?
Sexy Stud Muffin: LOL.... what HAVEN'T I've done?
Sexy Stud Muffin: You'll have to actually give me some ideas.... I can't think of anything really crazy that I haven't already done.
Me: sex in public?
Me: sex for an audience?
Me: sex on film?
Sexy Stud Muffin: I've done all of those....
Me: orgy?
Sexy Stud Muffin: small orgy... 5 people....
Sexy Stud Muffin: I'm telling you.. sex for me is like... getting tattooed or something... it isn't something I'm reserved with.
Sexy Stud Muffin: it's more like an extra curricular activity...
Me: LOL
Sexy Stud Muffin: Sex in public is fun... The thrill of getting caught... or getting caught can be just as fun!! :)
Sexy Stud Muffin: I love to take pictures of girls that I'm having sex with... or making videos' (with their permission of course)
Sexy Stud Muffin: Not sure what the deal is, but it is a blast!
Me: do you have any fetishes?
Sexy Stud Muffin: Shit... if anything, the whole ass thing... I like to fuck a girl in the ass... it almost falls under the whole dominance thing... since not many girls do it, to be able to is almost like a control thing... plus not to mention it feels WONDERFUL
Sexy Stud Muffin: That and the dominance thing... being rough...
Sexy Stud Muffin: Alright.... I gotta get goin sweetie....
Me: thanks for being my guinea pig darlin
Me: I'll blog tonight and you can read all about you tomorrow
Me: lol
Sexy Stud Muffin: Sweet.. you're welcome.
Me: see ya laterz
Sexy Stud Muffin: Later sweet tits.