I just want to cry

It's just been that kinda week, that kinda day, that kinda moment. I am so very disappointed in my friend right now. He and I have been friends for awhile now and in recent months have gotten quite close. We have so much in common and can always make each other laugh. Physically, he is not the type of guy I would normally go for, but I have fallen for his personality and charm. I really, really like him. I really like spending time with him and until recently I thought he felt the same way. He was my shoulder to cry on when things were bad. I was his entertainment when he was bored. We talked on the phone, we emailed all day while we were supposed to be working, he came out to support my events. Things were good. Everything he did pointed to the fact that he cared about me. I had even put serious thought into telling him how I feel about him. The only thing holding me back was the possibility of ruining a great friendship, and I would never want to lose that.

All of the sudden things are different. He has stopped calling, stopped emailing as much, stood me up, and kept something big from me. All of that hurts. So today I get that email for no reason and it makes me cry. I miss my friend.

I am thisclose to giving up

coin-operated boy
sitting on the shelf
he is just a toy
but i turn him on
and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a
coin-operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever, ever ask for more?
love without complications galore

many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend

coin-operated boy
all the other real
ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle
to my new boy and i'll
never let him go
and i'll never be alone
not with my
coin-operated boy

this bridge was written
to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture
of girl getting bitterer
wil you extract me
from my plastic fantasy
i didn't think so
but i'm still convinceable
will you persist
even after i bet you
a billion dollars
that i'll never love you
and will you persist
even after i kiss you
good-bye for the last time
will you keep on trying
to prove it
i'm dying

to lose it
i'm losing
my confidence
i want to
i want you
i want a
coin-operated boy

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i can't imagine
any flesh and blood would be his match
i can even take him in the bath

coin-operated boy
he may not be real
experienced with girls
but i know he feels
like a boy should feel
isn't that the point?
that is why i want a
coin-operated boy
with a pretty
coin-operated voice
saying that he loves me
that he's thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want a
coin-operated boy

~ Coin-Operated Boy by The Dresden Dolls

A sad goodbye

My great uncle passed away last week. He was 84. He lived a really fascinating life that I knew very little about until yesterday's memorial service. I knew that he had fought in World War II, but I had no idea he went to Korea. I knew that he had met his wife of 54 years in Italy while in the Army, but I had no idea he and his family had been stationed abroad in places like France and Germany. It makes me sad that I missed out on spending time with him. I always exchanged small talk at family functions, but I never took the time to really find out who he was as a person. It's a tragic lesson to learn.

As I was standing at Fort Logan National cemetery yesterday, I cried. Not only for my uncle, but for all the men and women resting there. For my friend A, who just shipped out on Sunday to serve 18 months in Iraq. For my friend V8, who has been and will go back to Iraq again. For my friend Doc's sons that have both been twice and suffer from PTSD and his anguish in not being able to help them. I cried at the senselessness and of the necessity of it all.

All I can think of to say is thank you. Thank you, come home safe and come home soon.

Ya'll some freaky deeky mafuckers round here

I always wondered what brought people to my blog. Today I was bored enough at work to find out. I went through my stats and looked at what search perameters led people here and DAMN. Who knew? LOL

Voluptuous Escort ~ Number 215 ~ I may be voluptuous but I am not an escort by any means.

Just dates ~ NUMBER 1 ~ I damn well should be, it's my title for fuck's sake.

Dates with free fucking ~ NUMBER 1 ~ Ummm, well maybe for the right dude. It's that whole live in the moment scenario again, but thanks for your support.

About biatch girls ~ Number 22 ~ Makes sense, again part of my title.

Fucking nasty ~ Number 8 ~ Reference to a post made about my hillbilly reletives and if you've read you've said it.

Naughty nightie ~ Pg. 15 ~ Ok, not sure why, but I'll go with it. I love lingerie.

Curvy ~ Pg. 2 ~ Damn right I am. And proud of looking like a woman and not a girl.

Fuck dates ~ Pg. 1 ~ Well, sometimes I feel that way. Only cause I don't understand the game yet, but I'm learning.

Vixan ~ NUMBER 1 ~ HELLS YEAH!!!!!!

Submissive tendencies ~ Somewhere in the middle ~ Who told? Now all the boys will want me.

Kama Sutrai ~ Pg. 1 ~ Ummm, okie dokie. Whatev.

Super Vixan ~ Number 45 ~ He he he.

You can kiss me anytime

Damn good date last night with hot Latino crush. I hadn't talked to him in awhile and yesterday I ran into a mutual friend of ours at work. Next thing I know HLC is calling me saying he heard how good I was looking and we should hang out. We made plans for dinner and a movie at my place. Never got to dinner and only watched about 20 minutes of the movie though. And no you pervy perverts we didn't get freaky. We did do some serious kissin on the sofa though. The kind that makes your knees weak. Damn he is a good kisser. And it has been to damn long since I have been really kissed like that. Way too long. Mmmmm mmmmmmm mmmmm mmmm MMMMMMMMMMM.

Living in the moment

Text message dialog from Saturday night between myself and one of my crushes while hanging out at the bar with a bunch of our friends:

Crush: UR hot
Me: Yer crazy
C: So are you
M: Gee thanks
C: So do U want to do it?
M: I thought you had a chick.
C: I'm single
M: Oh really
C: Is that a no?
M: Not necessarily

Crush has to leave to go work. He signals for me to come talk to him. He wraps his arms around me tight and whispers in my ear, "Are you coming home with me?" I just look at him and he says he knows I want to stay so he says he'll talk to me later. I watch him walk out the door and begin kicking myself for not going with him.

C: So U have no interest
M: I didn't say that. I'm just not a one night stand kinda girl.
C: Ok im not trying to be disrespectful in any way, just playing, i know U only like me as a friend. sorry.
M: That is not the case at all! I have always had a bit of a crush on you!
C: W O W !
M: So...
C: I had no idea
M: Well...
C: I think thats very kool
M: And now that you know...
C: Time tells all tales!
M: What is that suppose to mean?
C: Just trying to be dramatic, going to bed, talk to you soon. Very good to see u tonite.
M: Sweet dreams
C: U2 call me if ya want 2
Half an hour later
M: Still awake?
C: Why u want IT?
M: Maybe
C: Why you messing with me?
M: I'm not messing with you I mean it.
C: Call me tomorrow when you're sober and we'll talk.
M: Ok

So that's what happened. My answers are based on my cloudy memory. Bacardi was my best friend on Saturday after all. I did text with him briefly on Sunday. We did a bit of small talk and that was that. Now I am REALLY kicking myself for not going home with him. Even if we wouldn't have had sex, it would have been nice to get a little closer. I have no idea what will happen next. You all know that I am not that great at this whole dating thing. I have always found a guy and stayed with him for a couple years until things go bad. I've never really dated and I think that's why I don't live in the moment as much as I should. I'm always worried about months down the road and that leads me to so many regrets. I plan on keeping my options open for now and seeing where life takes me. And right now (if he doesn't flake out me) I have a date with a different crush tonight. He's coming over to make me dinner and watch a movie. Maybe I'll work on living in the moment tonight...

Roller Derby Overload!!!

I just got back from spending the weekend in Tucson, AZ for the first ever national roller derby tournament. The Dust Devil was amazing!!!! I have learned so much more about the sport and my passion for all things derby has been intensified exponentially. These girls put their blood, sweat, and tears (not to mention ALL of their free time) into making this sport a force to be reckoned with. My team was eliminated on day one, but all was not lost. We did really well considering our lack of experince, recent player turnover, and a few injuries sustained before the weekend. I have no doubt though that these girls will continue to learn and grow and before you know it become one of the top teams in the land. I am honored and priviledged to be a part of this league. Even though I won't be competing, (I have decided to ref) I will continue to devote all of my free time to derby.

Besides, have you seen all the cute boys that come to bouts? HOT DAMN!!!! Hee hee.