Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Dilemma

So I barely walk in my front door last night and my cell phone rings. I reach to answer it and whoever it is hangs up. I check the number and it's not one I recognize so I shrug it off. Then my home phone rings. It's a landscaping company. My heart skips a beat. It's the ex. A thousand emotions are racing through me, fear, anxiety, curiosity, anger. He starts to fill me in on his last few months since we have not spoken since the parking lot incident. I listen and keep wondering why he even felt the need to call at all. What is it that he wants from me? He made it perfectly clear before that he didn't want a relationship with me and he damn sure didn't give a shit about me as a friend. So why keep calling?

It was a fairly long conversation, maybe half an hour. I got off the phone feeling confused and just generally upset. He dropped some hints that I wasn't sure how to take. I don't know if he's just fucking with me or if he is trying to tell me the truth without actually coming clean about it. I just don't know what to do about it. Do I confront it head-on or do I just blow it off?

After getting off the phone with the ex I immediately called the Cabana Boy. He listened for a moment and then said we would talk about it when he got home. That kinda pissed me off. It was a big deal to me and he was blowing me off in favor of Chinese food. CB called back about an hour later and wanted to talk, so we did. He offered me no advice, no comfort, no nothing. I took a bath to try and relax. It didn't work. I was sitting on my bed in my towel when CB surprised me by coming home early. I wanted to be happy about that but I wasn't. He is horrible when it comes to making me feel better when I'm upset. That is when I need him to hold me and make me feel secure in my relationship with him. He wants to tickle and play around and that just makes me feel worse and even more isolated from him.

I guess that is why the call from the ex bothered me so much. Because I am so insecure in my relationship with CB. I have no idea where we stand. It would have been so much different if I could've said to him, "Things with CB are great. We are happy and in love."
But I can't say that. I don't know it to be true. And therein lies the dilemma.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

I've completely lost focus.

I have been totally blowing off school this semester. I would much rather spend my time screwing around with the Cabana Boy then writing a lit paper, taking a geography quiz, reading my history, or studying our government.

It's totally my fault though. I always want to do the fun things instead of the things I should be doing. No more though. I am buckling down and busting my ass for the rest of the semester. If I can pull a C out of all my classes then they won't cancel my financial aid and I can continue going to school next semester.

The whole point of going back to school was so I could have a career I love and am inspired by rather then a job I loathe that pays the bills. Unfortunately, this job that I loathe is coming to an end. I have been treated like I am stupid by my boss for the last time. I am agressively pursuing other opportunities now. I've always had my eye out for something more "me", but now I really just need to find a job where I am respected for everything I do.

So my goals for the next 3 months are as follows:
1. Complete the semester with a 2.0 or greater GPA.
2. Find a new job.
3. Find a house to rent for me, the Cabana Boy, the Pool Boy, and all of our four-legged children.
4. Get my finances in order.
5. Start a savings account so I have a little something for a rainy day.
6. Spend more time with my friends.
7. Take more time to take care of me.
8. Start my new CASA case.
9. Eat better and drink more water.
10. Plan a vacation for the end of summer.

If I can accomplish all of those tasks I will be well on my way back to me. And maybe I will even be less cranky/sad/stressed too.