Back in the pool

The Internet dating pool that is. I've been single for over two years now and I am quite tired of taking out my own trash.

Really though, I love my friends and hanging out with them. It just really sucks to always be the third wheel at everything, attend parties solo, etc. I am just a bit lonely for that special someone. It's hard to be single in a world of pairs.

So I'm trying out plenty of fish. It's free and seems to be a step up from craigslist. I'm already emailing with a guy and I just signed up a couple hours ago.

He just asked me if I have a spam. What's that? Like meat in a can? No, I don't eat that. Like those random emails telling me to buy Viagra? Yeah, I get those. Seriously, what is that about?

People make me sick

So Caylee Anthony has finally been found. Unfortunately, this was not the way the world had hoped. I can only hope she didn't suffer. This woman who gave birth to Caylee has been lying for MONTHS. Did she really think she wouldn't get caught? They had enough to charge her with murder without finding Caylee. Her tower of lies crumbled long ago and the hole she was digging herself in got deeper and deeper.

I will never understand why people feel the need to harm children. There are so many women in this world that would love to have a healthy child of their own and there are many more that would lovingly adopt children. In this world of choice, there is absolutely no excuse for this. Got pregnant and don't want the baby? Get an abortion. Don't think abortion is the answer? Put the baby up for adoption. Don't want to give the baby away? Then GROW THE FUCK UP AND BE A PARENT. This means no more partying every night, no constant stream of men at your house, keeping your child safe, and being a loving and concerned parent. There are too many kids in this world getting abused, neglected, and killed. It seems so unjust that children are forced to live such horrendous lives at the hands of adults. It is situations like this that make me question the "higher power". I will never understand the necessity of this type of evil in the world.

Rest well, sweet Bettie

I'm sorry I didn't realize it til it was too late

I'm sorry that I bought you roses to tell you that I like you.
I'm sorry that I was raised with respect not to sleep with you when you were drunk.

I'm sorry that my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants.
I'm sorry that I open your car door, and pull out your chair like I was raised.

I'm sorry that I'm not cute enough to be "your guy".
I'm sorry that I am actually nice; not a jerk.

I'm sorry I don't have a huge bank account to buy you expensive things.
I'm sorry I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you, instead of at a club.

I'm sorry I would rather make love to you then just screw you like some random guy.
I'm sorry that I am always the one you need to talk to, but never good enough to date.

I'm sorry that I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car, but when we went out you went home with another guy.

I'm sorry that I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend.

I'm sorry if I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around.

I'm sorry if I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work.

I'm sorry that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.
I'm sorry if you read this and know somebody like this but don't care.

But most of all I'm sorry for not being sorry anymore.

I'm sorry that you can't accept me for who I am.

I'm sorry I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for.

I'm sorry that I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm Sorry that I cared .

~ Author unknown

This could have very well been written by you. I'm sorry that I treated you so badly and took you for granted. I miss our friendship and can't help but think that you may have been the "one" and I let you slip out of my life. I'm sorry that I never told you how much you mean to me and what an important person you are in my life. You got me through all the bad times when no one else was there. Most of all, I am sorry that I am too scared of a good guy that I can't bring myself to be with you once and for all. Love, me.

Jobs

I found this post on craigslist today. While I agree with parts of it (in fact if I could have made a list of all things I want from a man this would include most of it), there were some things that I thought to be a bit unrealistic. My comments to his are in bold. I've deleted the repetitive and extraneous.

So here is my job...and your job: I know my job and I own up to it, I learned the hard way - but I own up to it now. My job is to be decisive when you say "what do you want to do tonight?" My job is NOT to say, "I dunno, what do you want to do?" It is my job to say, "I would like to [verb here] to [insert place] and [activity here]. Yet, I must also know when you have your own idea and actually want me to say, "I don't know, what about you?" How should I know? That's my job as a man. I must know. I do know. This is great, except no one is a mind reader. I'm too indecisive and really don't mind someone else making the plans. If there is something I really want to do, I'll let you know. I would never expect you to psychically link to me and figure it out.

My job is to pay for dinner even if you say you want to pay half. My job is to be ambitious in my career and make enough money that if we live together and your career takes a turn for the worse - I would have the money to afford to keep you fed and healthy AND SEXY (we will talk about you being SEXY below). Thank you! Is it wrong of me to expect for the man to be the major breadwinner? I don't mind working, but if we have kids I would like the opportunity to be able to raise them and not have to juggle a full-time job as well.

My job is make you feel safe with me. If I have to act like a psycho killer once in a while when someone is being threatening around you and endangering your well being, even if it means I might end up in jail for the night (when I break his arm and jaw for trying to rape you), I do it. Yet I need to know when to be cool and aloof most of the time when you are just engaged in friendly flirting. I have to NOT feel threatened when guys stare at you, not be jealous when they flirt, not be insecure when you flirt back, just relax and enjoy your happiness. Hopefully it will never get that far and my sharp tongue will scare him off, but I know what I am supposed to do if it does get that far. I want to feel safe with my man always. This means he has to be capable of defending my honor. Not that he is some knucklehead always looking for a fight. I was at a party once with an ex, and a guy that had been interested in me (he was extremely drunk at the time) leaned into me while we were chatting and kissed my neck. I immediately let him know how inappropriate that was and as I turned to leave I noticed my ex staring at us from across the room. I went over to him and he started into the typical "I'm going to beat his ass, yadda yadda". I literally asked him to sit down and shut up before he got himself hurt. While I appreciated the sentiment this was not a guy that could fight his way out of a paper bag. So had this been a complete stranger that I needed protection from, I don't think he would have been capable.

My job is to intuit, using my sexual psychic powers, when you need to be objectified and fucked like an animal (yet still ensuring your orgasm) or spanked or hair pulled, or more, and when you need gentle love like what you saw in that romantic movie you watched. I need to also magically know when you want it quick and urgent and when you want it to take all night. And when you scream the very painful words "fuck me harder," even whilst I am fucking as hard as I can and running out of breath, it is my job to find a way to do it harder. Yes, it is tough, but it is my job, I accept it. I have to figure all this out without anything but your body language and your subtle female hints. Yes, please with seconds afterwards.

It is also my job to make you feel comfortable to express yourself to me, to listen, to show you I care (without ever caring too much). I have to care for you and show love without ever making you feel that I am more sensitive than you, more emotional, more emotionally intelligent, sweeter or more romantic. If I cross those lines, you will run from me and say I am too nice - or just not feel complete because I am walking in your territory as a woman. And when you get into a car accident, and the guy you hit is yelling at you and you call me on the cell phone, I need to be able to drop what I am doing and effectively manage whatever tragedy has occurred. Sure, you can do it yourself. I am just saying that when tragedy goes down, and [if] you are in need of help, I need to take care of it. The relationship requires that I be able to stay calm and solve problems when you can't. As terribly cliche as it sounds, every girl likes to be rescued once in awhile. There are times I would love not to have to handle a crisis and be able to let my man take the reigns. I've been doing it on my own for a long time, it would be nice to have someone to share the burdens and the sorrows of life with. I would do the same for him as well.

Your first job is to be SEXY. It is your job to discover your own natural sexiness, manifest it, AND your job to figure out what I think is sexy. How do you normally attract men? If you think it is by wearing your thong above your jeans so that everyone can see it - then you are a moron. If you think it is getting wasted at some club and making out with your best girl-friend while guys cheer - you are an idiot. I have met you already, you bore me. I think you need to pull your pants up, drink less, bathe more and try to be more original than the Girls Gone Wild video that your former boyfriends got boners watching. I am not saying you have to dress up, I am only saying you need to figure out where/what and how to create your sexiness and make sure I agree with it. Eat right, wear sexy underwear. I want to love the sexy girl who will occasionally be ugly. Not the girl with no taste who once in a while gets lucky and looks nice. And you need to be able to figure out when not to be sexy, like: when meeting my perverted father, when I am sick in a hospital bed, incapacitated and unable to move, but only able to see that some male interns and you are talking about my condition. I have no issue with looking good, within reason. No woman is a doll. This means that a man should love me whether I am in make-up or not, fat or thin, or wear sexy underwear everyday. Sexy is not always comfortable. True beauty radiates from within and shines through. If we're happy and in love, believe me when I say that every man in the room will turn his head when I walk in and every woman will wish she was on your arm. It won't matter what kind of underwear I have on. I do appreciate that sexy does not equal trashy, it's nice to hear.

It is your job to nurture. If I am down and not feeling so great, you need to be building me back up. You need to be reading self-help books once in a while and see to it that we are both emotionally balanced. You need to make sure that we both communicate what is bothering us and all that stuff that you women want us to talk about in relationships. I need that. No one is responsible for anyone else's emotional health. I'm happy to nurture, it's who I am. I am willing to communicate my feelings. I am not able to "fix" your mental status, that is on you.

Your job is to find it in yourself to want to do things that the last 3 decades told you were not women's work. You know - the huge double standard - how you were taught that it isn't your job to do anything that your dad expected your mom to do, yet you still expect me to open doors for you, fuck you like the world is ending, be strong, buy you nice things when I can, make money, jump in front of a bullet for you, provide security for you, take initiative and make you feel safe. Personally, I like to cook and clean, do my own laundry and wash dishes and I am not asking you to do ANYTHING for me. But if I need help in that area - you better put on an apron and cook some food, or make the bed, or offer to make sandwiches on rare occasions when my friends are over, or do some laundry or fold something, sweep - whatever because you WANT to do it. This is part of nurturing. I do hold value in a more traditional role of husband and wife. However, if I am working and you are not, the house better be clean and dinner better be ready when I get home.

Your job is to be in charge of our morality. If we are at a dinner party and I say something a little mean to someone and you notice it. It is your job to pull me aside and say, "that was wrong - you go and apologize because you hurt that persons feelings." I won't like it - but I will obey. You are doing your job and I respect it. I will somehow find a way to go apologize. Again, no one can "make" some moral. I'll tell you when I think you're wrong, you fix it. And if you are being an asshole all day every day, we won't last long. I can be as sweet as sugar, but if you are as sour as a lemon it won't work and people will feel sorry for me.

If you are interested in your job as I am interested in mine - then please write me. Maybe we can negotiate something. Until I hear from you, I will be here earning and saving money for our future security as well as the gifts and the underwear I will be buying you. I am open to discussing the terms if some of your job is not agreeable to you. Please state your height/weight/hair/age and send a photo of more than just your face. I won't be responding to him directly. I am not interested in doing these things because it is expected of me and my "job". I do it because I want to. I do it because I would love him that much. I also get the feeling that no woman would ever meet his high standards. It's impossible. Sure, we all have our perfect world scenarios, but in the end we have to find love based on who the person is inside. Not how they look, not how much money they make, and certainly not on what they think their "job" is.

No Thank You

So even though I am not supposed to be trying to date yet per my therapist I have been scrolling craigslist anyway cause you never know when Mr. Right may show up (and good gawd this sentence is really long). I have seen a guy on there a couple times that seemed like he would be interesting to talk to and he made it a point to mention that he really just wanted to be friends first. Friends should be ok, so I went ahead and emailed him.

He responded that he wasn't too into emailing and gave me his number if I would like to call him. He would understand if I wasn't comfortable with that just yet and said it was also ok to email. i decided to just go ahead and call him. Boy, am I glad I did.

First of all, he started the conversation off by telling me all about his custody battle with his kid who is not really his kid. Then he tells me how his kid is a genius and he is a genius and no one is possibly smarter then they are. His kid's real dad could not possibly give him the intellectual stimulation he could possibly need cause he is just a knuckle-head ex-Marine. In the 30 minutes we spoke he never once asked me anything about me or my life. He proceeded to converse with his kid and remark at how smart he is.

Then he said he really needed to go play Legos (mind you it is about 10pm and little kids should be in bed) with his kid, but hey let's go do lunch tomorrow.

So out of the 10 words I said the last ones I uttered to him were, "No, thank you."

I am really proud of myself for this. In the past I have never turned down a date, even if I wasn't too into it to start with. I have always made excuses about the guy being nervous, giving him a chance, blah blah blah. There has also been a part of me that feels if a guy is willing to give me attention that I should jump at the chance. This is no longer the case. I am learning that I DESERVE MORE. I know in my heart that the right guy will come along at the right time and he will love me for me. He will love me whether I am fat or thin, young or old, smart or stupid, pretty or ugly, rich or poor. So in the meantime, there may be a lot of "no, thank yous" as I wait for Mr. Right to come along.

I did it!

I am a homeowner! I closed on Friday, October 24th. My new home has been under construction since then. I moved in on Friday, October 31st with no working bathroom and a huge list of to-dos. The bathroom will be finished today and I will hopefully be able to unload my worldly possessions out of the trailer by Saturday. It is really hard to function when half your life is parked outside. I go to bed every night absolutely exhausted and wake up ready to do it again the next day. I say a little prayer of gratitude each day for all the people in my life that have been supporting me in this venture from near and far. I don't know what I would have done without them. More updates and photos to come soon.

Decisions, Decisions

So I have been in the process of buying a house for the last 6 months. There have been ups and downs and a few freak-outs, but the day is getting really close. I never once thought in a million years that I would be buying a house on my own. I always thought that I would have to have a husband to do that. Don't get me wrong though, I have always been proud of the fact that I have been supporting myself (with the occasional help from Dad) for the last 9 years. I have always been able to pay my own bills and live without roommates for the most part.

I started out in a small 550 square foot apartment. It was tiny and ugly, but it was my very own. I initially moved into it because my boyfriend at the time (who was 14 years older than me) said that we couldn't get married until I had lived on my own. His rationalization was that he had experienced that part of life and wanted me to experience it as well so that I wouldn't later feel that I had missed out on something. That was one of the greatest gifts he ever gave me.

Ever since then it has been just me and my dog(s). We have lived in 5 different apartments and 2 houses in the last 9 years. Other than my bout of temporary insanity with Cabana boy and the aftermath of being in that house, I have done it on my own. Not very many of my friends can say that. If they lived on their own prior to being married they always had roommates to depend on.

Now comes the hard part. I have to make this huge decision on my own. This is not like something that I'm renting that I can move out of in 6 months or year if I don't like it. This is for at least the next 5 years. The sad part of it is that I have never lived in once place for 5 years straight in my entire life. This is HUGE! I am absolutely terrified. What if I don't like the neighbors? What if something huge goes wrong? What if it's really creepy there at night? What if? What if? What if?

So far I have found one house that I walked into and fell in love. Unfortunately, that house is a short sale (pre-foreclosure) and has multiple offers on it. I am about third in line for it. It could be months before I hear anything and even then I may not get it. So now I am searching for a house that I like (hopefully as much or more) that I would be able to get into within the next few months. The first house I looked at, I liked. It was recently remodeled and needed very little done before I could move in (mainly just a piece of fence along the alley). That house as well was a short sale. It has been on the market almost a year. The listing agent told us that the bank had declined offer after offer. A few weeks ago it was finally foreclosed on and went back to the bank. Well, today it came back on the market. At 20k less than the previous asking price. I put an offer on it. There is a very good chance that a week from now I will have an acceptance. I could be a home owner by mid-October. I am freaking out. I keep second guessing my decisions. I have called my parents, my friends, anyone I can think of to offer some reassurance that I am making the right decision. If only there was some pill I could take that would boost my self-confidence in this decision. So until someone invents that, I am just going to continue sitting here with my leg shaking, chewing my fingernails, and aimlessly trying to distract myself from over-thinking this monumental event. I would love a major distraction right now. Anyone got any ideas?

What Women Must Have

A great set of guidelines to remember. I've highlighted what I've got. Now to work on what I haven't...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

one friend who always makes her laugh,

and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates,

wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder,

and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips,

or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

whom she can trust,

whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go,

be it to her best friend's kitchen table,

or a charming Inn in the woods

when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't accomplish

in a day,

a month,

and a year.

Lessons that need to be learned

I've highlighted the ones I feel are most important. If only all my stalkers, I mean readers, would heed them as well...


Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

Dream more while you are awake.

Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

Forgive everyone for everything. <--- Definitely one to live by for a healthier, happier you.

Anxious

I have been in the midst of an anxiety attack for the last two weeks. I constantly feel as if my skin is crawling, I can't stop moving, can't stop thinking, feel sick to my stomach, and just want to cry at everything. I have been seeing a therapist for the last few months and I think bringing up all this old baggage that I have been avoiding is manifesting itself physically. I talked to her about it last night and she has given me some tips for dealing with my anxiety. It's hard to do relaxation exercises when nothing feels safe anymore. I am looking for a new house, a new job, my dog has gone blind in the last week, and I just feel alone in it all.

It would be nice to have that one person that was willing to drop everything just to hold my hand in this. I have friends, but they all have their own lives and their own issues. I've had to cut some people out of my life lately because they need to much of me and I have nothing left to give. Literally nothing. I don't have the energy to be supportive. How sad is that? It is like I am not myself anymore. My therapist said that things might get worse before they get better. I hope that is where they are. I am forcing myself to leave the house, not only for work, but occasionally to socialize. Although, I don't really have much to say. I am avoiding as many phone calls as I can for the same reason. I just need everything to stop being in limbo. I need to know what is going to happen and when. The only way I can fall asleep at night is to stay up until my eyes won't open anymore and repeat to myself that everything is going to be ok.

So...
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.

Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

In the past few months I have come to the realization that one of my best friends and I have grown apart. We aren't communicating effectively anymore. We'll talk and nothing is making sense to the other one. I find myself feeling left out of her life. We tried to talk about how we were each feeling, but I still left the conversation feeling as though things were over. I've been thinking about it and thinking about it and I just don't know what will fix it.

About a week went by since I called her and when I logged into myspace I had been deleted from her friends list. At first I was really angry and hurt by this. The phone works both ways after all. And then the more I thought about it, the more I was ok with it. I guess we both feel we need a break from each other.

I feel bad that it is happening now in a time of her life when she needs all of her friends support. I wish I could be there for her with my whole heart, but I don't have anything to give anyone right now. With her encouragement I began to go to therapy in an effort to really clean out my closet of all the old skeletons and baggage hanging around. And now that I am in the midst of that project I am emotionally drained. All I want to do is cry. I just don't have it in me to support someone else right now. And for that I am deeply sorry to her.

In my perfect world, we will be friends again someday. We'll run into each other somewhere, one of us will randomly pick up the phone, or send an email and it will be a happy reunion. I don't know how to express this thought to her, as I can only assume that she is angry with me and won't want to hear it. I can only hope that with time her anger will pass and she will remember the good times that we shared. She has been a wonderful friend to me and I would hope that she will eventually think of me in the same way.

I'll miss our spontaneous road trips, long phone conversations about nothing at all, comparing our opinions on the latest reality tv nightmare, meeting for dinner, planning our next tattoos, and of course all the shopping trips. Every time I look at the tattoo we share I will think of her with a smile. I miss her already.

Just grumpy

Have you ever been in a sour mood where everything and everyone just gets on your nerves?

I am having one of those moments. It seems like lately everyone wants something from me and I just want to be left alone to stew. I just got done arguing with one of my bosses over the dumbest, smallest thing. I guess I kept arguing because I wasn't feeling listened to. That seems to be the current trend. The only person that really hears me anymore is my therapist and that's just cause I'm paying her. Everyone else wants to hear part of my story and then turn it into something about them. At that point my spoiled inner child throws a tantrum cause it should be about ME ME ME!!! *sigh* Especially now, cause my birthday is coming up and I really would like to feel special for one day a year. Every other day I work at making everyone I know feel special so I deserve one day, right?

Even my parents are up my butt about stuff. I am trying to buy a house and my mother calls today to talk about a mortgage calculator she found online and how I should start practicing to pay my mortgage. My reply, "Ummm. I do that now. It's called paying rent."
"Yes, but your mortgage is going to be at least $1200."
"Where did you get that from? For the price range I am looking in my mortgage should be no more than $1000."
"Well, you have to include insurance and taxes. Let me see what this calculator says... It says for $160,000 house your mortgage will be $925 per month."
"Yes, and I'm paying $900 now so what's your point?"
"Well, then you have to add taxes and insurance and it will be closer to $1200."
"Ummm, yeah, I don't think so. I already called my insurance agent and my insurance will be cheaper then what I already pay now. I don;t include insurance in my "monthly payment" amount cause it is an expense I already have now. Taxes are $864 per year on the house I like which is $72 per month. Which comes to $1000. So like I said..."
"Well, I still think you should start practicing paying your mortgage."

*SIGH*

You're Not The Only One

In the last three years there have been times I wrote daily and there have been times where there were months between posts. This blog started as journal of my experiences in the world of internet dating. It was a place I could express my feelings of being a curvy girl and trying to find the right man. I have shared my innermost feelings and thoughts here. I have also shared my most embarrassing moments as well. It was one of those awful moments that led me to write my most "famous" post to date. This post was featured in the Carnival of Sin and to this day still generates the majority of the traffic to my little corner of the cyber-world. Who knew that my tale of internet dating gone horribly wrong would be so interesting to so many.

When I heard that a book was being put together by a few other bloggers called "You're Not The Only One" in the spirit of being able to relate to someones experiences through the internet, I thought I would submit my tale and see what happened. Well, my submission was chosen!!! I am officially in print!!

All proceeds from the book go to a great charity, Warchild. So please consider purchasing the book, donating to a great cause, and maybe finding someone else that knows exactly how you feel. All you have to do is click the Lulu link on my sidebar. To read more about how this book came to be and see the distinguished list of contributing bloggers, click on the book icon for more details.

I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone that has ever read my blog, commented, and empathized with my journey. I promise to keep writing as long as you keep reading. It really does make me feel as if I am not the only one out here.

41 Random Sentences

) My uncle once: picked my half-brother up by his throat, slammed him into a chair, and sat on him with his knee in his chest to stop him from trying to stab my cousin with a dull kitchen knife. (How's that for an opening statement?)

2) Never in my life: have I felt completely secure in every way.

3) When I was five: I had no idea that life as I knew it would change completely by the time I was 6.

4) High school was: a waste of time.

5) I will never forget: what it felt like to be understood.

6) I once met: a real like Texas Ranger and he was nothing like Chuck Norris.

7) There's this girl I know who: married a kind, loving, thoughtful, perfect man and had her 3 kids taken from her because she is white and that man is black.

8) Once at a bar: my drinking buddy told a homeless man she was having a party in her pants and he was invited. He followed her around for the rest of the night.

9) By noon I'm usually: eating lunch.

10) Last night: I watched the Desperate Housewives finale and hoped that one day I would find a group of female friends that supportive.

11) If only I had: a pillow and a blanket so I could take an afternoon nap.

12) Next time I go to church: the building will get struck by lightening.

13) Terry Schiavo: needed her wishes to be in writing, something that is on my to-do-soon list.

14) I have a confession to make: I think about some of my ex-boyfriends more then I care to admit.

15) When I turn my head left: I see all the work on my desk I should be doing.

16) When I turn my head right: I see my Ipod, phone, and printer.

17) You know when I'm lying when: my face turns red (unless I am just embarassed).

18) Everyday I think about: sex.

19) If I were a character written by Shakespear I'd be: Juliet, tragically in love.

20) By this time next year: I will own my own house and finally have a GREAT boyfriend.

21) A better name for me would be: Violet.

22) I have a hard time understanding: quantum physics.

23) If I ever go back to school I'll: hopefully be more inspired to do well.

24) You know I like you when: I ask you to go somewhere with me.

25) If I won an award the first person I'd thank is: me! I won the damn thing after all. Shiiiiiit.

26) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Monkey, Music, Cowboy, and just wrong.

27) Take my advice, never: let your mouth overload your ass.

28) My ideal breakfast is: chocolate cake. In bed. With a sexy man. Eating it off me.

29) A song I love, but do not have is: That doesn't happen.

30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: Pete's Kitchen.

31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: My favorite flower, can be endearing or intolerable, I know nothing about, run fast.

32) Why won't anyone: use common courtesy anymore?

33) If you spend the night at my house: you could be woken up by yappy dogs in your bed.

34) I'd stop my wedding for: nuclear holocaust.

35) The world could do without: close-minded people.

36) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat shit ala 2 girls 1 cup.

37) My favorite blonde is: Marilyn Monroe.

38) Paper clips are more useful than: yo mama.

39) If I do anything well: it's love with my whole heart.

40) And by the way: do you have any awesome single guy friends you could set me up with?

41) The last time I was drunk: I fucked up bad, made really stupid decisions, and pushed away a really great guy for good.

So you think you're ready for the "one"?

Being a single girl I like to cruise a variety of matchmaking sites to see what is out there in the world beyond my front door. I've never had much luck in this area however. I have great emails, better phone calls, and after we finally meet in person I never hear from the loser again. I am the kind of girl that guys respond to after knowing for awhile. I picture it something like this: first glance "She's cute. Great personality." and then after hanging out as friends for awhile "Wow. I really like being around her. She's got such a great smile. I wonder what it would be like to kiss her." and then after the kiss and more I make them turn psycho (but that is a post for another day).

So in reading all these personal ads one thing really gets under my skin. I read this huge diatribe about how this guy wants a girl who will treat him right, not play games, must have a brain, not looking for a sugar daddy, etc. etc. And then comes his physical requirements: she must be a size 2, good teeth, perfect hair, no flaws, athletic, etc. etc.

And what do you think he looks like? Well, he is not Brad Pitt or Mark Wahlberg by any means. He's got a beer belly, yellow teeth and a shitty job.

So here's my issue: if you really want a woman that will has all the unsuperficial qualities does it really matter if her hair isn't the right color or if she is chubby? Not all women stay a size 2 forever. Some get pregnant, gain 50 lbs. and never lost the weight. Some women age horrifically and drain your bank account in attempts to regain their youth and really just end up being made of plastic.

I can be guilty of making judgements based solely on looks myself. I have also dated men that are not the "hottest" guy in the room by any means. I found what I liked in them though, whether it was the way they looked at me or how they always seemed to take my best interest to heart. I just think it is narrow-minded to have a physical ideal of what your perfect person looks like. It is better to know who you want and need them to be. For me I want an old-fashioned gentlemen that respects women, children, and animals and believes in holding a door open and escorting a little old lady across the street. I have a friend that at first glance I thought "never in a million years" he is nothing that I would normally be attracted to, and yet, as we got to know each other the more I became attracted to him. Now I think we would be great together if only that pesky girlfriend would go away. I've also had guys that I have drooled over at first glance and said to myself, "He would never go for me. I am not pretty/skinny/punk rock/whatever enough for him." And in a few short months of being friends we are making out and dating. It just goes to show that you never know who you will be attracted to or why. So to me we should be putting less emphasis on how a person looks and more emphasis on who they are. Looks can change. Personality can not.

These are a few of my not-so-favorite things

Tired of all those surveys where you list favorite this, favorite that..? Well now you get to list off everything you hate, and vent about everything that annoys you or makes you mad. Just let it all out and say as much as you want!

MOST HATED...

FRUIT: Cantaloupe and Honeydew melon.

CANDY: Anything with nuts. Nuts are no bueno.

BEVERAGE: Diet anything cause artificial sweetener tastes like ass.

COLOR: Brown. Looks like poop. Nuff said.

TOWN/CITY: Boulder, CO. Damn hippies.

TV SHOW: I refuse to watch WWE.

MOVIE: Donnie Darko. I dislike movies that are so out there they are impossible to understand. If I wanted to think I would read a book!

ASPECT OF MYSPACE: Teenage drama.

ASPECT OF INSTANT MESSENGER: Forgetting who the hell that person is and why they are on my list.

ANIMAL: Rodents, reptiles (except turtles or fish).

INSECT: All of the above.

BIRD: I like birds from afar. I do not like birds flying near me and I do not want to touch one or have it touch me.

SEASON: Winter.

AGE OF KIDS: Teenagers.


WHAT ANNOYS YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING WHEN...

DRIVING: Going too slow in the left lane or feeling the need to come to a complete stop to turn right on a green light.

TALKING ON THE PHONE: If you are in the bathroom at least have the courtesy to mute, mmkay.

WATCHING TV OR MOVIES: If I have seen it before and they haven't and they ask a million questions instead of just watching the fucking thing!

EATING IN RESTAURANTS: People doing anything related to bodily functions (farting, nose blowing, hacking a lung, etc.)

GOING THROUGH DRIVE-THRUS: Putting 8000 packets of sauce in my bag after I told you I didn't want any sauce.

YOU'RE AT THE MALL: Slow ass people that wander back and forth so you can't pass them. Ditto for the groups of 50 that are trying to walk side-by-side at a goddam snail's pace.

SHOWERING: Running out of hot water before I am done shaving my legs or rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.

WHAT HOUSEHOLD CHORE DO YOU HATE THE MOST? Cleaning the bathroom, especially if anyone other then me has used it.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE WORST WAY TO DIE? Alone and in pain.

WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING HABIT IN OTHERS? Playing stupid cause they think it's sexy or will get them out of having to do their job correctly.

WHAT IS YOUR WORST HABIT? I tend to judge books on covers.

WHAT FASHION TREND (PAST OR PRESENT) HAVE YOU HATED THE MOST? Metrosexual men. Good hygiene is good, plucked eyebrows and make-up on my boyfriend is not.

WHAT POPULAR SONG (PAST OR PRESENT) HAVE YOU HATED THE MOST? Pretty much anything hairbands.

TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GIRLS? They are catty, cliquey bitches that would not think twice to stab a sister in the back when it comes to a man.

TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GUYS?: They are lying, cheating dogs that would not think twice about cheating on a good woman whenever an available pussy offers itself up to him.

WHAT'S ANNOYING YOU TODAY?: My teeth hurt.

Book 3 - Holy Cow

Holy cow: An Indian Adventure
-Sarah Macdonald

My co-worker lent me this book to read after we had a conversation about the wonders of India. She travels there once a year on medical missions and I picked her brain about the country and culture. She said this book best describes everything India has to offer from the filth and poverty to the spiritual and beautiful.

This book is about the experiences of an Australian radio personality living in India for two years while her journalist husband was assigned there. Sarah had traveled to India in her early 20's and vowed never to return. She found the endless sea of beggars and pollution to be overwhelming. At the airport she encounters a beggar fortune teller who reads her palm and tells her that she will one day return to India, and return she does.

Since she is not working and her husband is frequently out of the country on assignment, Sarah takes this opportunity to explore everything India has to offer. She spends time learning about religion from the Hindus, Buddhists, Jews, Sikh, Parsi, Sufis, Yogis, and even Christians. It is this aspect of her journey that I envy the most. She is able to take a piece from each religion and carry it with her. I identify with that tremendously.

It is not all serious reflection however. Sarah also tells of her love affair with all that is Bollywood and what the singles scene looks like in New Dehli. Her adventures trying to acclimate to the Indian culture are endearing and will have you laughing.

To sum it up: I enjoyed this book immensely and recommend it to anyone with an interest in India and Indian culture. I give this book 9 out of 10.

I miss my English Villain

A typical email exchange with the English Villain...

Me: Purple

EV: Throbbing

Me: Quivering

EV: Ribbed

Me: Pleasure

EV: Arousal

Me: Hard

EV: Erect

Me: Penetrating

EV: Hole

Me: Filled

EV: Juicy

Me: Wet

EV: Succulent

Me: Taste

EV: Delicious

Me: Satisfaction

I miss my favorite Brit. Come out and play again won't you?

You're Not The Only One

So I stumbled across a new blog that you may have noticed has been added to the blogroll called He Loves Me Not. Sarah is a 20-something single woman on a quest for love. I relate to a lot of what she says being a 20-something single woman myself. It's like we are on the same up and down rollercoaster of love. So when Sarah posted about a book she is supporting I was all eyes. I have put in a submission for the book and hope that if you have something to say that you will as well. This is a wonderful way to feel a part of something bigger. Check it out:

http://peacharse.blogspot.com/2008/02/youre-not-only-one_10.html

Gone too soon

I heard the news today that a friend's son had passed away. I could not have been more shocked at the news. This young man bravely served our country twice in Iraq and came home in one piece. Unfortunately, the scars he carried were not visible. The atrocities he witnessed in the Middle East were etched permenently to his soul. Once a care free and loving man became a dark and depressed shell. Only a fellow soldier could ever understand what our men and women go through to defend us. It costs them and their families dearly in a hundred different ways. They deserve to be honored for all they have VOLUNTEERED to do. They deserve the same compassion and understanding that we would extend to a victim of 9/11, crime, or war. We should take the time to say thank you everyday to those that are away from their homes to protect ours. There should be no soldier that does not get a letter from home or a thank you for their service. Whether or not you agree with the reasons they are there is irrelevant. They are there. They are there for you and me. They are being wounded and killed and they need our support. Please take the time to write a letter, send an email, or just extend a hand of thanks.

And to my friend: I hope you have found the peace you so desperately needed. I am sorry that you will no longer be with us in body. I know you will always be with us in spirit.

Bah Lovebug

Valentine's Day sucks tremendously when you are single in a world of couples. It's everywhere! Hearts, stuffed animals, chocolate, flowers BAH LOVEBUG! I am not celebrating this year. Please do not ask me to be your Valentine. I'm too cranky to be a Valentine.

And to make things more pathetic I googled an ex last night only to find his band's music videos on youtube. And of course it has to be the song that's always made me cry so I cry even harder knowing that he has moved on and will have a special Valentine this year and I'll be sitting at home alone. Again.

For all you couples out there, happy and in love, I am happy for you. I truly am. I just want what you have. When will it be my turn?

Book 2

Walking In Circles Before Lying Down
by Merrill Markoe

I thought this was a cute, quick read. I finished it in two evenings (although it probaly could have been a Satuday afternoon read as well). I cried twice, which is something that books really don't do for me. I think it was due to the subject matter of a beloved dog though.

The story is about Dawn who is more then unlucky in love. Don't I know that feeling. After a string of bad husbands and bad boyfriends, Dawn finds a stray dog tied up in front of a store and left behind. She adopts this dog whose only identifier is the name on a tag, Swentzle. (Horrible name for a dog BTW, don't do it.) Swentzle gives her comfort and starts her on a path that includes house sitting for the quasi-famous and working at a vet's doggy daycare. After Swentzle leaves her life, she adopts a cute pitbull puppy named Chuck. It's during this time she is dating a loser that thinks dogs should sleep in the hallway. If a man ever came into my house demanding that my dogs sleep anywhere other then the bed where they have been sleeping their entire lives he would need to hit the road. My dogs were here before him and will be here after he's gone, yet I digress. After being dumped by said loser, Chuck (and all dogs) begin communicating with Dawn. (I wish this would happen to me!) Dawn's conversations with Chuck are hilarious. Chuck takes it upon himself to be the alpha and find Dawn a new man. Chuck also thinks that all problems can be solved by throwing the ball for him. Chuck and company's antics make for some funny moments. This was a fun book. I give it 8 out of 10.

So now everytime I'm feeling down and my pup puts her ball in my lap to play, I'll know she just wants me to smile. :)

Book #1

So, I was cruising random blog sites and found one where the guy was trying to read 50 books in one year. So I decided I would make the same attempt. Beginning January 15th, I started my first book. After each book, I will sum up here in an effort to keep track (and maybe give you some inspiration to read as well). So here goes...

Book #1

"The Collectors" - David Baldacci

This is the second book in the Camel Club series. I hadn't read the first one (not realizing this was a series), but will now be picking up the first and third books for sure. I have always been a Baldacci fan as I am really into crime fiction. This book didn't disappoint at all. With some new political twists and the whole underworld of former CIA assasains this book kept you guessing. The one interesting twist was the addition of a seasoned con artist. This added an element I have not seen in a book of this type before. It was a quick read, although there were many nights I did not pick it up cause I was just too tired. The basic story it about the murder of a librarian at the Library of Congress Rare Books division. The murder is investigated by members of the "Camel Club" one of which worked with the victim. Another of whom is a former CIA assasain himself, who is in hiding as a cemetary caretaker (completely appropriate as he is supposed to be dead himself.) We come to learn that this murder is also tied to the murder of the Speaker of the House. With an interesting story and plenty of twists and turns, I give this book an 8 out of 10.

Vanity Fair

What is your current state of mind?
A lil bit sleepy, a lil bit anxious, a lil bit excited.

What is your greatest extravagance?
My corset.

What is your greatest fear?
Heights. I've had a panic attack on the second floor of the mall before.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Lying.

What do you consider the most over rated virtue?
Virginity. Religion.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd be better with money.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Strong arms.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Soft curves.

What words or phrases do you most over use?
Fuck. Shut the fuck up.

What talent would you most like to have?
I'd love to sing better.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Right now, my dogs. I haven't met Mr. Right yet.

Where would you like to live?
In an old Victorian house close to the beach.

What is your favorite occupation?
Naughty Secretary.

What is your most treasured possession?
My dogs.

Who is your favorite writer?
Maya Angelou

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Odd Thomas.

Who are your heroes in real life?
My grandma.

What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty. Honesty.

What is your most marked characteristic?
Kindness.

How would you like to die?
Peacefully.

What is your motto?
If I'm not always happy, that doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. It means I'm doing something real.

What Tiger Beat asked the Monkees

How would your mother describe you in one word?
Complex (I actually asked her and it took her 5 minutes to decide. What does that mean?)

What is your favorite flower?
Tulips

What is the most insane question you have ever been asked?
This one

What word in the English language do you wish you invented?
Fuck (It's everyone's favorite curse word)

Where would you like to live?
In an old Victorian style house or a Spanish hacienda near a beach

What is the first quote that comes to your mind?
"I used to be Snow White...but I drifted." - Mae West

What animal best describes the kind of guy you would be interested in?
Lion

What do you miss about your childhood?
Innocence

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Violet

What is the main fault in your character?
I like broken boys

Who is your favorite historical figure?
WWII wives. They supported their men from afar, kept the home fires burning, and worked their asses off in factories to keep this country running. They really were the greatest generation.

Describe how you kiss in one word.
Soft

If you met the right guy today and he proposed tomorrow, what would you say?
Yes. Why wait? My grandparents knew each other 13 days before the got married and they were married over 50 years.

What in the world do you least desire?
Richard Simmons

Why do you think most guys date you?
I have great T&A and a willingness to please.

Finish this sentence “Happiness is a thing called…”
Horsepower.