Tuesday, April 25, 2006

My idea of a real man

On the phone last night with T, and we were talking about men, relationships, what we are attracted to, stuff like that. So I was telling her about being attracted to men with dominant personalities. I have always been a submissive female to any male in my life. Maybe because I was raised by my dad I learned from a young age that a woman should respect her man. I can be very assertive when pushed, but when it comes to someone I am attracted to, or in a relationship with, I tend to bow to their needs. Before I recognized this about myself I ended up with men who were dominant in negative ways, men that hit and control. I was fulfilling one need, but missing out on so much more. Then I went into a relationship where the man was very kind and considerate, but I did not respect him as a man. I found myself not being sexually attracted to him because I did not feel that he could defend my honor in a dark ally. I am just not attracted to "nice guys". Don't get me wrong though, I don't want to date a guy that is an asshole, I want a true Dominant man. I heard a phrase the other day in a movie that really summed things up for me, "A slave is really a master in disguise." I think that is so true. The pleasure of the Dom is in the pleasure of the Sub wanting to submit to them.

In all honesty, that is what attracted me to Cabana Boy. I thought that he would be dominant in a relationship and caring enough to be someone I could truly submit to. While he has some dominant behaviors, he is not truly a Dom. He lacks the loving kindness required to allow a woman to truly submit herself to him. I think the trust involved is tremendous. In order to submit completely, one has to trust that one will be cared for in all situations. That is what I want, need, am looking for, and have yet to find. I don't even know where or how to look. To find someone online seems scary. I am not looking for someone to punish or humiliate me. I am looking for someone that will truly appriciate my pleasure in pleasing him, someone that wants to care for and protect me. It seems impossible to find, but I am going to keep looking.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I missed the love boat

I have this friend that I have talked about here before. The guy that has everything I want in a man and more. The one that makes me laugh when I'm crying and the one that is there for me whether I need a hug or a beatdown. A few months ago we went from strictly friends to flirting around a bit. As I spent more and more time with him I became more and more attracted to him. I flirted every chance I got, we started going out together on weekends, and we talked everyday.

One day he began trying to get me to tell him how I felt about him. He would say things like, "You know you want me." And I would come back with some sassy remark. I was afraid of telling him how I really felt. Afraid that he wouldn't feel the same way about me, afraid that if things didn't work out I would lose this wonderful friendship, and afraid of getting hurt again. We kept skirting the subject for weeks. He would make an innuendo, I would make an innuendo. Neither one of us wanted to be the one that said I dig you first. I thought I had all the time in the world to get a bit more confidence up before I said something. I was wrong.

This woman came into the picture. Now he's talking to her everyday and not talking to me as often. They have "inside jokes" between them. She lives far away and they made plans to see each other. His friends told me not to worry about her, tell him how I feel, we would be good together. But now it's too late. They've met and she calls him her own. I waited too long and now I sit here broken hearted. I missed out on a wonderful man because I was afraid. Damn.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

I must be crazy

I actually sent out the following text message today:
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Must be the fact that he calls me doll. I am such a sucker for that. ;)

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!

Ladies....I need you to up your dose of VITAMIN R before you read this!!!!

I need massive amounts of Vitamin R. Vitamin Romance, but also, get ready to growl, Vitamin Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, that says, I want you baby. I need to be told Im sexy, that Im a babe, that I have a adorable 24 year old ass. I need love letters. The love letters needed to say, "Your cock is so great and turns me on so much and I've been thinking about it all day. I want you, boy" Im a man but still need all the romantic wooing that women had grown to expect and complain about if they didn't get. I fell a little put out that Valentine's Day was all premised on what I would get you. I want to be surprised. I want to come home to a woman who wants to tear my work clothes off and love me, deep and wet and messy and sexy and for a long time and then do it again. I need it, you want it, I work hard and I deserve it.
There is not a lot of light at the end of the tunnel. A dark time in the land of men. Not pretty. It seems modern day women have forgot about this Vitamin while busy chasing a dream or a career or shoe sales at the cherry creek mall?