I have been in the midst of an anxiety attack for the last two weeks. I constantly feel as if my skin is crawling, I can't stop moving, can't stop thinking, feel sick to my stomach, and just want to cry at everything. I have been seeing a therapist for the last few months and I think bringing up all this old baggage that I have been avoiding is manifesting itself physically. I talked to her about it last night and she has given me some tips for dealing with my anxiety. It's hard to do relaxation exercises when nothing feels safe anymore. I am looking for a new house, a new job, my dog has gone blind in the last week, and I just feel alone in it all.
It would be nice to have that one person that was willing to drop everything just to hold my hand in this. I have friends, but they all have their own lives and their own issues. I've had to cut some people out of my life lately because they need to much of me and I have nothing left to give. Literally nothing. I don't have the energy to be supportive. How sad is that? It is like I am not myself anymore. My therapist said that things might get worse before they get better. I hope that is where they are. I am forcing myself to leave the house, not only for work, but occasionally to socialize. Although, I don't really have much to say. I am avoiding as many phone calls as I can for the same reason. I just need everything to stop being in limbo. I need to know what is going to happen and when. The only way I can fall asleep at night is to stay up until my eyes won't open anymore and repeat to myself that everything is going to be ok.
So...
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
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2 comments:
You're in a miserable condition now and it can feel like you're drowning, but it'll eventually get better.
I wish I had some magic formula to make it easy, but the truth is this: unpacking ancient, weighty baggage can be painful, stressful, messy, exhausting and terrifying. All at once.
There was a stretch of unpacking a few years ago for me. For a month, I was chronically ill and could barely function in day-to-day life, so I know that emotions can manifest physically. You get down so long that coming up gives you the bends.
Sounds like you're on a good track, though. You're aware that some of your relationships will change, or might end entirely.
Remember: lugging the baggage is easy. Unpacking it is difficult, so you're doing a lot more than most. Stay strong.
Kameron,
You are very sweet. Thank you for the kind words of support. I told my therapist when we started this journey that I may want to give up and she was going to have to push me to go on. I need to get this baggage unpacked, put away, and gone. It's more than time for me to have healthy relationships and a happier me. I'm relieved to hear that other people have gone through similar experiences and come out better on the other side.
Bex
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