Jobs

I found this post on craigslist today. While I agree with parts of it (in fact if I could have made a list of all things I want from a man this would include most of it), there were some things that I thought to be a bit unrealistic. My comments to his are in bold. I've deleted the repetitive and extraneous.

So here is my job...and your job: I know my job and I own up to it, I learned the hard way - but I own up to it now. My job is to be decisive when you say "what do you want to do tonight?" My job is NOT to say, "I dunno, what do you want to do?" It is my job to say, "I would like to [verb here] to [insert place] and [activity here]. Yet, I must also know when you have your own idea and actually want me to say, "I don't know, what about you?" How should I know? That's my job as a man. I must know. I do know. This is great, except no one is a mind reader. I'm too indecisive and really don't mind someone else making the plans. If there is something I really want to do, I'll let you know. I would never expect you to psychically link to me and figure it out.

My job is to pay for dinner even if you say you want to pay half. My job is to be ambitious in my career and make enough money that if we live together and your career takes a turn for the worse - I would have the money to afford to keep you fed and healthy AND SEXY (we will talk about you being SEXY below). Thank you! Is it wrong of me to expect for the man to be the major breadwinner? I don't mind working, but if we have kids I would like the opportunity to be able to raise them and not have to juggle a full-time job as well.

My job is make you feel safe with me. If I have to act like a psycho killer once in a while when someone is being threatening around you and endangering your well being, even if it means I might end up in jail for the night (when I break his arm and jaw for trying to rape you), I do it. Yet I need to know when to be cool and aloof most of the time when you are just engaged in friendly flirting. I have to NOT feel threatened when guys stare at you, not be jealous when they flirt, not be insecure when you flirt back, just relax and enjoy your happiness. Hopefully it will never get that far and my sharp tongue will scare him off, but I know what I am supposed to do if it does get that far. I want to feel safe with my man always. This means he has to be capable of defending my honor. Not that he is some knucklehead always looking for a fight. I was at a party once with an ex, and a guy that had been interested in me (he was extremely drunk at the time) leaned into me while we were chatting and kissed my neck. I immediately let him know how inappropriate that was and as I turned to leave I noticed my ex staring at us from across the room. I went over to him and he started into the typical "I'm going to beat his ass, yadda yadda". I literally asked him to sit down and shut up before he got himself hurt. While I appreciated the sentiment this was not a guy that could fight his way out of a paper bag. So had this been a complete stranger that I needed protection from, I don't think he would have been capable.

My job is to intuit, using my sexual psychic powers, when you need to be objectified and fucked like an animal (yet still ensuring your orgasm) or spanked or hair pulled, or more, and when you need gentle love like what you saw in that romantic movie you watched. I need to also magically know when you want it quick and urgent and when you want it to take all night. And when you scream the very painful words "fuck me harder," even whilst I am fucking as hard as I can and running out of breath, it is my job to find a way to do it harder. Yes, it is tough, but it is my job, I accept it. I have to figure all this out without anything but your body language and your subtle female hints. Yes, please with seconds afterwards.

It is also my job to make you feel comfortable to express yourself to me, to listen, to show you I care (without ever caring too much). I have to care for you and show love without ever making you feel that I am more sensitive than you, more emotional, more emotionally intelligent, sweeter or more romantic. If I cross those lines, you will run from me and say I am too nice - or just not feel complete because I am walking in your territory as a woman. And when you get into a car accident, and the guy you hit is yelling at you and you call me on the cell phone, I need to be able to drop what I am doing and effectively manage whatever tragedy has occurred. Sure, you can do it yourself. I am just saying that when tragedy goes down, and [if] you are in need of help, I need to take care of it. The relationship requires that I be able to stay calm and solve problems when you can't. As terribly cliche as it sounds, every girl likes to be rescued once in awhile. There are times I would love not to have to handle a crisis and be able to let my man take the reigns. I've been doing it on my own for a long time, it would be nice to have someone to share the burdens and the sorrows of life with. I would do the same for him as well.

Your first job is to be SEXY. It is your job to discover your own natural sexiness, manifest it, AND your job to figure out what I think is sexy. How do you normally attract men? If you think it is by wearing your thong above your jeans so that everyone can see it - then you are a moron. If you think it is getting wasted at some club and making out with your best girl-friend while guys cheer - you are an idiot. I have met you already, you bore me. I think you need to pull your pants up, drink less, bathe more and try to be more original than the Girls Gone Wild video that your former boyfriends got boners watching. I am not saying you have to dress up, I am only saying you need to figure out where/what and how to create your sexiness and make sure I agree with it. Eat right, wear sexy underwear. I want to love the sexy girl who will occasionally be ugly. Not the girl with no taste who once in a while gets lucky and looks nice. And you need to be able to figure out when not to be sexy, like: when meeting my perverted father, when I am sick in a hospital bed, incapacitated and unable to move, but only able to see that some male interns and you are talking about my condition. I have no issue with looking good, within reason. No woman is a doll. This means that a man should love me whether I am in make-up or not, fat or thin, or wear sexy underwear everyday. Sexy is not always comfortable. True beauty radiates from within and shines through. If we're happy and in love, believe me when I say that every man in the room will turn his head when I walk in and every woman will wish she was on your arm. It won't matter what kind of underwear I have on. I do appreciate that sexy does not equal trashy, it's nice to hear.

It is your job to nurture. If I am down and not feeling so great, you need to be building me back up. You need to be reading self-help books once in a while and see to it that we are both emotionally balanced. You need to make sure that we both communicate what is bothering us and all that stuff that you women want us to talk about in relationships. I need that. No one is responsible for anyone else's emotional health. I'm happy to nurture, it's who I am. I am willing to communicate my feelings. I am not able to "fix" your mental status, that is on you.

Your job is to find it in yourself to want to do things that the last 3 decades told you were not women's work. You know - the huge double standard - how you were taught that it isn't your job to do anything that your dad expected your mom to do, yet you still expect me to open doors for you, fuck you like the world is ending, be strong, buy you nice things when I can, make money, jump in front of a bullet for you, provide security for you, take initiative and make you feel safe. Personally, I like to cook and clean, do my own laundry and wash dishes and I am not asking you to do ANYTHING for me. But if I need help in that area - you better put on an apron and cook some food, or make the bed, or offer to make sandwiches on rare occasions when my friends are over, or do some laundry or fold something, sweep - whatever because you WANT to do it. This is part of nurturing. I do hold value in a more traditional role of husband and wife. However, if I am working and you are not, the house better be clean and dinner better be ready when I get home.

Your job is to be in charge of our morality. If we are at a dinner party and I say something a little mean to someone and you notice it. It is your job to pull me aside and say, "that was wrong - you go and apologize because you hurt that persons feelings." I won't like it - but I will obey. You are doing your job and I respect it. I will somehow find a way to go apologize. Again, no one can "make" some moral. I'll tell you when I think you're wrong, you fix it. And if you are being an asshole all day every day, we won't last long. I can be as sweet as sugar, but if you are as sour as a lemon it won't work and people will feel sorry for me.

If you are interested in your job as I am interested in mine - then please write me. Maybe we can negotiate something. Until I hear from you, I will be here earning and saving money for our future security as well as the gifts and the underwear I will be buying you. I am open to discussing the terms if some of your job is not agreeable to you. Please state your height/weight/hair/age and send a photo of more than just your face. I won't be responding to him directly. I am not interested in doing these things because it is expected of me and my "job". I do it because I want to. I do it because I would love him that much. I also get the feeling that no woman would ever meet his high standards. It's impossible. Sure, we all have our perfect world scenarios, but in the end we have to find love based on who the person is inside. Not how they look, not how much money they make, and certainly not on what they think their "job" is.