We Need To Talk

The four most dreaded words in the English language. Those four words never seem to be followed by anything positive. Why is that exactly? Why do we allow things to get that far gone before we feel the need to say those four words? Whatever we are feeling builds and builds until finally we can no longer take things as they are and we say those four feared words. Once they are said it immediately fills the other person with a sense of dread, apprehension, defensiveness, and reluctance. They know they are about to be hit with something heavy that requires them to feel something about the situation at hand and just maybe they aren't ready to confront it.

I feel like I am stuck circling those four words. I need to have a conversation with someone. I need to clarify things for my own peace of mind. I need reassurance and reciprocity. The only problem with this is that I am terrified to do so. I am afraid of hearing the opposite of what I want. I am afraid of being let down and let go. I am afraid I've been reading too much into the good and not enough into the bad. So in my fear, I let things continue as they are, and thus, continue to feel out of control and unsure. As I sit next to him, the beginning of that much needed conversation resides on my lips like gloss waiting to be kissed off on another. The butterflies in my stomach fluttering about so hard I am afraid he can hear them while I attempt to work up the nerve for those words to leave my mouth.

So while I live in this constant state of question I am also attempting to not become attached so that if I do ever get the nerve up to say what I need to say and I don't hear what I want to hear that my heart will only crack and not break. This too feels impossible. I've always been one to give of myself completely and without question. Unfortunately, this normally leads to being taken for granted and when no longer needed, discarded for the next best thing. I no longer want to be the waiting-room-girl, that placeholder that keeps him satisfied until he decides that there is someone or something better out there. So while I am avoiding that conversation, and he is living in the moment (I think), I am still out there making sure he is the best choice for me. So maybe in all that the conversation will become unnecessary in one way or another. Maybe I'll find a way to get the nerve to say those four words, whatever they end up being.