Phobias

I have found that as I get older the more fear I have for things. I can remember being a kid and being scared of the normal monsters in the closet/under the bed or not wanting to be in the dark. I also had this weird obsessive fear of being kidnapped. I was PETRIFIED of "kidnapper vans". You know, those work vans with no windows. I ahve no idea where that came from, but everytime I saw one of those vans I would freak out.

Now as I get older I am scared of the stupidest shit. For example, I recently got a bicycle. I haven't been on a bike since I was 15 or 16, so it's been a few years. I got on it and started to ride down the street and proceeded to panic. I was going to fast, I would fall over when I tried to turn, I would go ass up if I hit the brakes too hard, get me the hell off this death contraption. Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me?

A couple weeks ago I was at my aunt's house with my dogs. She said there had been a rabbit hanging out in her yard and we wondered if the dogs would come across it. Sure enough, a few minutes later we see my chihuahua chasing this tiny bunny. They went one way, they went another way and were off around the house. The next thing I know the bunny turns around and comes running towards me. I actually screamed. My aunt laughed at me, because seriously who is afraid of a bunny. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I get all freaked out at the mall now, too. Why do malls always have to have glass railings on the second floor. I am getting woozy just thinking about it. I walk plastered to the wall and try not to look. Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I have turned into the world's biggest wuss. I need hypnosis or something. Does anyone sell courage in a bottle? Just call me the Cowardly Lion.

Life really is a circle

Last year around this time I was surfing blog links and came across a blog with a story about a woman who was very sick without a cause. Being in the medical field, I clicked on the link and have been lurking there ever since. As I read about this woman, her husband, her children, her life, it seemed so normal. It was the same things we all write about: hanging out with friends, life's annoyances, goofy family stuff and everything in between. Then came this random sickness that started innocent enough and turned into the cause of her death. As I read her husband's words during this time my heart broke. I felt his pain of being helpless and his fear of the future. I felt the pain of the loss of a great love. The pain of the loss of normalcy as life would never be the same again. I literally sat at my desk and wept for this stranger and his children. I told my close family and friends their story and how we should all be a little more thankful in this season of thanksgiving for those we love. I hugged my own mother a little tighter.

Today, I read about his new life. His new love. He is starting to be able to let go of the pain and embrace the joy again. That too, made me cry. It also made me realize that we all deserve that. To be able to have joy everyday, regardless of what we have suffered in the past. So in honor of this family that I have never met, I am going to try and do just that. If this man and his children can find joy after such a great loss, we should all be able to move on from the pettiness of the past. So begins a new journey...

5 thingie-ma-bobs

Bitter Betty stole this from someone and then I stole it from her. Woohoo for the five-fingered discount!!

5 THINGS ABOUT LIL OLE ME

Five favorite days of the year

1. My birthday - Even though as I get older it gets less exciting, it's still MY DAY DAMMIT.
2. Christmas - Just another chance for all those that love me to give me presents. It's really my gift to the world to receive gifts gracefully.
3. All Hallow's Eve - One of these days I am going to throw the coolest costume party EVER.
4. Easter - Coloring eggs is just too much fun.
5. Vacation days - Just cause I'm not at work when I'm supposed to be.

Five things I watched this week
1. Big Brother - Evil Dick banging on a pot lid with a spoon was the funniest thing I have seen on TV in a long time. PRINCESS!
2. Big Love - Polygamy is really interesting, but so not for me.
3. Rock of Love - Brett Michals is kinda hot in a disgusting, dirty rockstar way.
4. Rescue Me - One of the best shows on TV. Dennis Leary is amazingly wrong.
5. Taboo - People do some really crazy shit to their bodies. Damn.

Five things you don't want to do but should
1. Get my fat ass off the couch and moving. I realized yesterday I have zero cardiovascular capacity.
2. Clean my house and mow the grass. Both necessary evils that I curse every time I do them.
3. My actual job, instead of screwing around on my blog.
4. Eat better. Damn chocolate and it's evil pull on me.
5. Really, truly make a budget and stick to it. Not just half-ass it.

Five things you want to learn
1. A foreign language
2. How to do amazing hair and make-up
3. How to sew
4. How to weld
5. Take apart a carburetor

Five animals you've had as or have pets who impacted you
1. Precious Diva Angel - Yorkshire Terrier - I've never known a dog with so much personality
2. My goats - Heidi and Nicki. Did you know a goat will do anything for a Frito?
3. Sunny - The best horse in the world.
4. Turtles - Not very cuddly. It was then I realized I'm not too big on reptiles.
5. Lucy Goo - my weechawa. She shows me the true meaning of unconditional love everyday.

Five favorite pieces of clothing
1. My black and white polka dot dress.
2. My jean Capri's.
3. My new black bra that makes my boobies look so damn good.
4. My handbag and shoe collection.
5. My pajamas.

Five things you enjoy in the summer
1. Sun tea
2. Sitting on porch
3. Watching my dogs play in backyard
4. BBQ's
5. Riding in the car with the sunroof open at night

Five foods you won't eat
1. Mushrooms - They are fungus that grows from poop. Nuff said.
2. Fish. I cannot get past the smell. I will eat crab legs though, go figure.
3. Tofu. I am a meatatarian.
4. Snails, bugs, fish eggs, etc. We are an evolved society, we no longer need to eat that kinda stuff.
5. Anything I can't identify or pronounce cause that's just stupid.

Five things that are not where they belong
1. My dirty dishes. They should be in the dishwasher instead of the sink, but I've been sick dammit.
2. The gift certificates I got last year cause I have no CLUE where they are.
3. My brain. I damn sure can't get it to work today.
4. My dad. He was supposed to be here for vacation 2 weeks ago and still hasn't left yet.
5. My bank account. I gotta go with Betty on this one and say it needs a lot more zeros.

You are given $50,000 to give to 5 people as $10,000 cash gifts, who and why
1. T.V. so she can invest in her new business as a pro photographer and take many more beautiful pictures.
2. A.H. so she can get herself out of debt once and for all and buy that Mickey pendant she was drooling over the other night.
3. My pops so he can get his retirement business going and make some money.
4. My mama cause she needs to take a luxury vacation.
5. And me. Cause I have debt to pay. And once that is gone I can save up for 58 Chevy dammit. And I am a damn worthy cause.

I got it bad

Did you ever just want something?

I want a lot of different things at different times. Most of the time the desire passes and I move on to something or someone new. Not the case now though. I have had a crush on someone for the last two years. I go through phases of wanting him BAD. We flirt, speak in innuendo, and dance around the elephant in the room. Neither one of us has ever really crossed the invisible line and said, "Hey. I like you. Let's be more then friends."

I came really close to saying those words though. I was a bit tipsy one night and it almost came out. I didn't though. I am so afraid of losing the friendship I have with him. He makes me smile when I'm sad and is ready to kick any one's ass that hurts me. He has been a great friend to me and put up with my crap. I don't want that to go away. At the same time though, I think he would make a great boyfriend (sometimes). When we first met, he was in a relationship and I never thought of him 'like that". Then a few months later he was single and a man-ho. He was really playing the field. This is when we really started spending time together. I would go to his work and just hang out. He was my "date" for anything that required it. Then I started messing around with someone and he got a girlfriend. We started to drift apart until the shit hit the fan. Next thing I know I am crying on his shoulder and he is venting to me about the psycho he just had to have arrested.

So there we were. Back to the flirting and not saying anything. Then, just when I think I might say something he says he has a new girlfriend. Things changed between us for awhile. We talked less. Anything we said was just polite conversation between friends.

In recent weeks though, things have gone back to the way they were. He's flirting again. The innuendo is in full force. He talked to a mutual friend about me. He said my emails "brighten his day". She said it felt like she was talking to my boyfriend. That's how well he knows me though. He's more then a casual acquaintance. I know I can call him at 2am and he would be there for me. It's weird because he still has a girlfriend. I like her, and would never want to come between anyone in a relationship. Whenever I try to bring her up though I get a one word answer and the subject gets changed. He will not talk about her. Good or bad. To me, that's not the sign of a happy home.

Maybe if he is ever single again I will think about telling him how I feel. Until then, I just have to keep thinking of him as only my friend. Even when he makes it hard on me.

So in answer to his question today, I am feeling more then naughty. You've got me feeling downright F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D.

Just one

So I am driving along yesterday and passed a shoe on the side of the road. Just one. A lonely little tennis shoe in dirty gray. It really got me thinking about what circumstances would lead to only one shoe being left in the gutter. If you put a pair of shoes on the roof of your car, for instance, it would seem that they would both fall off at around the same place. I've seen lots of random baby shoes in parking lots and such. Babies are always losing just one shoe or sock, but this was an adult's sized shoe. Did something sinister happen, like the person was abducted by aliens so fiercely that all that remained was a shoe? Was it from someone that was hit by a car and the force of the impact blew off the shoe? Maybe it was someone just walking down the road and that shoe was hurting their foot, so they took it off and left it in frustration. Maybe it was tied to the bumper of a newlywed's car and came off.

Just something to think about the next time you are driving along and encounter the lone shoe.