In the past few months I have come to the realization that one of my best friends and I have grown apart. We aren't communicating effectively anymore. We'll talk and nothing is making sense to the other one. I find myself feeling left out of her life. We tried to talk about how we were each feeling, but I still left the conversation feeling as though things were over. I've been thinking about it and thinking about it and I just don't know what will fix it.
About a week went by since I called her and when I logged into myspace I had been deleted from her friends list. At first I was really angry and hurt by this. The phone works both ways after all. And then the more I thought about it, the more I was ok with it. I guess we both feel we need a break from each other.
I feel bad that it is happening now in a time of her life when she needs all of her friends support. I wish I could be there for her with my whole heart, but I don't have anything to give anyone right now. With her encouragement I began to go to therapy in an effort to really clean out my closet of all the old skeletons and baggage hanging around. And now that I am in the midst of that project I am emotionally drained. All I want to do is cry. I just don't have it in me to support someone else right now. And for that I am deeply sorry to her.
In my perfect world, we will be friends again someday. We'll run into each other somewhere, one of us will randomly pick up the phone, or send an email and it will be a happy reunion. I don't know how to express this thought to her, as I can only assume that she is angry with me and won't want to hear it. I can only hope that with time her anger will pass and she will remember the good times that we shared. She has been a wonderful friend to me and I would hope that she will eventually think of me in the same way.
I'll miss our spontaneous road trips, long phone conversations about nothing at all, comparing our opinions on the latest reality tv nightmare, meeting for dinner, planning our next tattoos, and of course all the shopping trips. Every time I look at the tattoo we share I will think of her with a smile. I miss her already.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Just grumpy
Have you ever been in a sour mood where everything and everyone just gets on your nerves?
I am having one of those moments. It seems like lately everyone wants something from me and I just want to be left alone to stew. I just got done arguing with one of my bosses over the dumbest, smallest thing. I guess I kept arguing because I wasn't feeling listened to. That seems to be the current trend. The only person that really hears me anymore is my therapist and that's just cause I'm paying her. Everyone else wants to hear part of my story and then turn it into something about them. At that point my spoiled inner child throws a tantrum cause it should be about ME ME ME!!! *sigh* Especially now, cause my birthday is coming up and I really would like to feel special for one day a year. Every other day I work at making everyone I know feel special so I deserve one day, right?
Even my parents are up my butt about stuff. I am trying to buy a house and my mother calls today to talk about a mortgage calculator she found online and how I should start practicing to pay my mortgage. My reply, "Ummm. I do that now. It's called paying rent."
"Yes, but your mortgage is going to be at least $1200."
"Where did you get that from? For the price range I am looking in my mortgage should be no more than $1000."
"Well, you have to include insurance and taxes. Let me see what this calculator says... It says for $160,000 house your mortgage will be $925 per month."
"Yes, and I'm paying $900 now so what's your point?"
"Well, then you have to add taxes and insurance and it will be closer to $1200."
"Ummm, yeah, I don't think so. I already called my insurance agent and my insurance will be cheaper then what I already pay now. I don;t include insurance in my "monthly payment" amount cause it is an expense I already have now. Taxes are $864 per year on the house I like which is $72 per month. Which comes to $1000. So like I said..."
"Well, I still think you should start practicing paying your mortgage."
*SIGH*
I am having one of those moments. It seems like lately everyone wants something from me and I just want to be left alone to stew. I just got done arguing with one of my bosses over the dumbest, smallest thing. I guess I kept arguing because I wasn't feeling listened to. That seems to be the current trend. The only person that really hears me anymore is my therapist and that's just cause I'm paying her. Everyone else wants to hear part of my story and then turn it into something about them. At that point my spoiled inner child throws a tantrum cause it should be about ME ME ME!!! *sigh* Especially now, cause my birthday is coming up and I really would like to feel special for one day a year. Every other day I work at making everyone I know feel special so I deserve one day, right?
Even my parents are up my butt about stuff. I am trying to buy a house and my mother calls today to talk about a mortgage calculator she found online and how I should start practicing to pay my mortgage. My reply, "Ummm. I do that now. It's called paying rent."
"Yes, but your mortgage is going to be at least $1200."
"Where did you get that from? For the price range I am looking in my mortgage should be no more than $1000."
"Well, you have to include insurance and taxes. Let me see what this calculator says... It says for $160,000 house your mortgage will be $925 per month."
"Yes, and I'm paying $900 now so what's your point?"
"Well, then you have to add taxes and insurance and it will be closer to $1200."
"Ummm, yeah, I don't think so. I already called my insurance agent and my insurance will be cheaper then what I already pay now. I don;t include insurance in my "monthly payment" amount cause it is an expense I already have now. Taxes are $864 per year on the house I like which is $72 per month. Which comes to $1000. So like I said..."
"Well, I still think you should start practicing paying your mortgage."
*SIGH*
Friday, June 13, 2008
You're Not The Only One
In the last three years there have been times I wrote daily and there have been times where there were months between posts. This blog started as journal of my experiences in the world of internet dating. It was a place I could express my feelings of being a curvy girl and trying to find the right man. I have shared my innermost feelings and thoughts here. I have also shared my most embarrassing moments as well. It was one of those awful moments that led me to write my most "famous" post to date. This post was featured in the Carnival of Sin and to this day still generates the majority of the traffic to my little corner of the cyber-world. Who knew that my tale of internet dating gone horribly wrong would be so interesting to so many.
When I heard that a book was being put together by a few other bloggers called "You're Not The Only One" in the spirit of being able to relate to someones experiences through the internet, I thought I would submit my tale and see what happened. Well, my submission was chosen!!! I am officially in print!!
All proceeds from the book go to a great charity, Warchild. So please consider purchasing the book, donating to a great cause, and maybe finding someone else that knows exactly how you feel. All you have to do is click the Lulu link on my sidebar. To read more about how this book came to be and see the distinguished list of contributing bloggers, click on the book icon for more details.
I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone that has ever read my blog, commented, and empathized with my journey. I promise to keep writing as long as you keep reading. It really does make me feel as if I am not the only one out here.
When I heard that a book was being put together by a few other bloggers called "You're Not The Only One" in the spirit of being able to relate to someones experiences through the internet, I thought I would submit my tale and see what happened. Well, my submission was chosen!!! I am officially in print!!
All proceeds from the book go to a great charity, Warchild. So please consider purchasing the book, donating to a great cause, and maybe finding someone else that knows exactly how you feel. All you have to do is click the Lulu link on my sidebar. To read more about how this book came to be and see the distinguished list of contributing bloggers, click on the book icon for more details.
I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone that has ever read my blog, commented, and empathized with my journey. I promise to keep writing as long as you keep reading. It really does make me feel as if I am not the only one out here.
Monday, May 19, 2008
41 Random Sentences
) My uncle once: picked my half-brother up by his throat, slammed him into a chair, and sat on him with his knee in his chest to stop him from trying to stab my cousin with a dull kitchen knife. (How's that for an opening statement?)
2) Never in my life: have I felt completely secure in every way.
3) When I was five: I had no idea that life as I knew it would change completely by the time I was 6.
4) High school was: a waste of time.
5) I will never forget: what it felt like to be understood.
6) I once met: a real like Texas Ranger and he was nothing like Chuck Norris.
7) There's this girl I know who: married a kind, loving, thoughtful, perfect man and had her 3 kids taken from her because she is white and that man is black.
8) Once at a bar: my drinking buddy told a homeless man she was having a party in her pants and he was invited. He followed her around for the rest of the night.
9) By noon I'm usually: eating lunch.
10) Last night: I watched the Desperate Housewives finale and hoped that one day I would find a group of female friends that supportive.
11) If only I had: a pillow and a blanket so I could take an afternoon nap.
12) Next time I go to church: the building will get struck by lightening.
13) Terry Schiavo: needed her wishes to be in writing, something that is on my to-do-soon list.
14) I have a confession to make: I think about some of my ex-boyfriends more then I care to admit.
15) When I turn my head left: I see all the work on my desk I should be doing.
16) When I turn my head right: I see my Ipod, phone, and printer.
17) You know when I'm lying when: my face turns red (unless I am just embarassed).
18) Everyday I think about: sex.
19) If I were a character written by Shakespear I'd be: Juliet, tragically in love.
20) By this time next year: I will own my own house and finally have a GREAT boyfriend.
21) A better name for me would be: Violet.
22) I have a hard time understanding: quantum physics.
23) If I ever go back to school I'll: hopefully be more inspired to do well.
24) You know I like you when: I ask you to go somewhere with me.
25) If I won an award the first person I'd thank is: me! I won the damn thing after all. Shiiiiiit.
26) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Monkey, Music, Cowboy, and just wrong.
27) Take my advice, never: let your mouth overload your ass.
28) My ideal breakfast is: chocolate cake. In bed. With a sexy man. Eating it off me.
29) A song I love, but do not have is: That doesn't happen.
30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: Pete's Kitchen.
31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: My favorite flower, can be endearing or intolerable, I know nothing about, run fast.
32) Why won't anyone: use common courtesy anymore?
33) If you spend the night at my house: you could be woken up by yappy dogs in your bed.
34) I'd stop my wedding for: nuclear holocaust.
35) The world could do without: close-minded people.
36) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat shit ala 2 girls 1 cup.
37) My favorite blonde is: Marilyn Monroe.
38) Paper clips are more useful than: yo mama.
39) If I do anything well: it's love with my whole heart.
40) And by the way: do you have any awesome single guy friends you could set me up with?
41) The last time I was drunk: I fucked up bad, made really stupid decisions, and pushed away a really great guy for good.
2) Never in my life: have I felt completely secure in every way.
3) When I was five: I had no idea that life as I knew it would change completely by the time I was 6.
4) High school was: a waste of time.
5) I will never forget: what it felt like to be understood.
6) I once met: a real like Texas Ranger and he was nothing like Chuck Norris.
7) There's this girl I know who: married a kind, loving, thoughtful, perfect man and had her 3 kids taken from her because she is white and that man is black.
8) Once at a bar: my drinking buddy told a homeless man she was having a party in her pants and he was invited. He followed her around for the rest of the night.
9) By noon I'm usually: eating lunch.
10) Last night: I watched the Desperate Housewives finale and hoped that one day I would find a group of female friends that supportive.
11) If only I had: a pillow and a blanket so I could take an afternoon nap.
12) Next time I go to church: the building will get struck by lightening.
13) Terry Schiavo: needed her wishes to be in writing, something that is on my to-do-soon list.
14) I have a confession to make: I think about some of my ex-boyfriends more then I care to admit.
15) When I turn my head left: I see all the work on my desk I should be doing.
16) When I turn my head right: I see my Ipod, phone, and printer.
17) You know when I'm lying when: my face turns red (unless I am just embarassed).
18) Everyday I think about: sex.
19) If I were a character written by Shakespear I'd be: Juliet, tragically in love.
20) By this time next year: I will own my own house and finally have a GREAT boyfriend.
21) A better name for me would be: Violet.
22) I have a hard time understanding: quantum physics.
23) If I ever go back to school I'll: hopefully be more inspired to do well.
24) You know I like you when: I ask you to go somewhere with me.
25) If I won an award the first person I'd thank is: me! I won the damn thing after all. Shiiiiiit.
26) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Monkey, Music, Cowboy, and just wrong.
27) Take my advice, never: let your mouth overload your ass.
28) My ideal breakfast is: chocolate cake. In bed. With a sexy man. Eating it off me.
29) A song I love, but do not have is: That doesn't happen.
30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: Pete's Kitchen.
31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: My favorite flower, can be endearing or intolerable, I know nothing about, run fast.
32) Why won't anyone: use common courtesy anymore?
33) If you spend the night at my house: you could be woken up by yappy dogs in your bed.
34) I'd stop my wedding for: nuclear holocaust.
35) The world could do without: close-minded people.
36) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat shit ala 2 girls 1 cup.
37) My favorite blonde is: Marilyn Monroe.
38) Paper clips are more useful than: yo mama.
39) If I do anything well: it's love with my whole heart.
40) And by the way: do you have any awesome single guy friends you could set me up with?
41) The last time I was drunk: I fucked up bad, made really stupid decisions, and pushed away a really great guy for good.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
So you think you're ready for the "one"?
Being a single girl I like to cruise a variety of matchmaking sites to see what is out there in the world beyond my front door. I've never had much luck in this area however. I have great emails, better phone calls, and after we finally meet in person I never hear from the loser again. I am the kind of girl that guys respond to after knowing for awhile. I picture it something like this: first glance "She's cute. Great personality." and then after hanging out as friends for awhile "Wow. I really like being around her. She's got such a great smile. I wonder what it would be like to kiss her." and then after the kiss and more I make them turn psycho (but that is a post for another day).
So in reading all these personal ads one thing really gets under my skin. I read this huge diatribe about how this guy wants a girl who will treat him right, not play games, must have a brain, not looking for a sugar daddy, etc. etc. And then comes his physical requirements: she must be a size 2, good teeth, perfect hair, no flaws, athletic, etc. etc.
And what do you think he looks like? Well, he is not Brad Pitt or Mark Wahlberg by any means. He's got a beer belly, yellow teeth and a shitty job.
So here's my issue: if you really want a woman that will has all the unsuperficial qualities does it really matter if her hair isn't the right color or if she is chubby? Not all women stay a size 2 forever. Some get pregnant, gain 50 lbs. and never lost the weight. Some women age horrifically and drain your bank account in attempts to regain their youth and really just end up being made of plastic.
I can be guilty of making judgements based solely on looks myself. I have also dated men that are not the "hottest" guy in the room by any means. I found what I liked in them though, whether it was the way they looked at me or how they always seemed to take my best interest to heart. I just think it is narrow-minded to have a physical ideal of what your perfect person looks like. It is better to know who you want and need them to be. For me I want an old-fashioned gentlemen that respects women, children, and animals and believes in holding a door open and escorting a little old lady across the street. I have a friend that at first glance I thought "never in a million years" he is nothing that I would normally be attracted to, and yet, as we got to know each other the more I became attracted to him. Now I think we would be great together if only that pesky girlfriend would go away. I've also had guys that I have drooled over at first glance and said to myself, "He would never go for me. I am not pretty/skinny/punk rock/whatever enough for him." And in a few short months of being friends we are making out and dating. It just goes to show that you never know who you will be attracted to or why. So to me we should be putting less emphasis on how a person looks and more emphasis on who they are. Looks can change. Personality can not.
So in reading all these personal ads one thing really gets under my skin. I read this huge diatribe about how this guy wants a girl who will treat him right, not play games, must have a brain, not looking for a sugar daddy, etc. etc. And then comes his physical requirements: she must be a size 2, good teeth, perfect hair, no flaws, athletic, etc. etc.
And what do you think he looks like? Well, he is not Brad Pitt or Mark Wahlberg by any means. He's got a beer belly, yellow teeth and a shitty job.
So here's my issue: if you really want a woman that will has all the unsuperficial qualities does it really matter if her hair isn't the right color or if she is chubby? Not all women stay a size 2 forever. Some get pregnant, gain 50 lbs. and never lost the weight. Some women age horrifically and drain your bank account in attempts to regain their youth and really just end up being made of plastic.
I can be guilty of making judgements based solely on looks myself. I have also dated men that are not the "hottest" guy in the room by any means. I found what I liked in them though, whether it was the way they looked at me or how they always seemed to take my best interest to heart. I just think it is narrow-minded to have a physical ideal of what your perfect person looks like. It is better to know who you want and need them to be. For me I want an old-fashioned gentlemen that respects women, children, and animals and believes in holding a door open and escorting a little old lady across the street. I have a friend that at first glance I thought "never in a million years" he is nothing that I would normally be attracted to, and yet, as we got to know each other the more I became attracted to him. Now I think we would be great together if only that pesky girlfriend would go away. I've also had guys that I have drooled over at first glance and said to myself, "He would never go for me. I am not pretty/skinny/punk rock/whatever enough for him." And in a few short months of being friends we are making out and dating. It just goes to show that you never know who you will be attracted to or why. So to me we should be putting less emphasis on how a person looks and more emphasis on who they are. Looks can change. Personality can not.
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