How do I manage to get myself into these situations?

So quick update on where things stand with my love life: Hot Latino Crush is no longer an option (regardless of how phenomenal of a kisser he is), acquaintance Crush is no longer an option either as he has knocked up someone else (regardless of how badly I wanted to be his "good girl"), and as far as the "one" well I am not sure if that one will ever get anywhere. So all of this leads up to this weekend and my current conundrum.

I met Poet a while ago online. We chatted on and off, here and there. Recently we have become better friends and started hanging out together quite a bit. While I thought he was a great guy and cute as hell I never considered him to be anything more then a really good friend. So the other night we were hanging out together and one thing lead to another and we ended up fooling around a little. Now, while taking me completely off-guard cause I had NO CLUE that he liked me like that, I definitely didn't mind. So this leads us to have the conversation about consequences if we were to pursue things any further. One being that our friendship would change and the other that he is not in the market for a girlfriend right now.

I know in my heart that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt my feelings. He hates the fact that guys have treated me badly and said that he doesn't want to be another guy that fucks with my head or plays with my emotions. He expressed his interest in me and placed the ball in my court. It was my decision whether or not to let things go further. I had a similar relationship in the past that was the best relationship I have ever had. It was the most honest, open relationship I have ever known. We were "friends with benefits" for over a year. Never once in that time did I feel that he was not being completely honest with me. I knew that he genuinely cared for me and wanted to be spending time with me. He just wasn't ready for a committed relationship. Our agreement was that if one of us wanted to move on, we would let the other one go. Now I am not saying that my feelings were not bruised during that year we were together. There were many times that I wanted to take the relationship to the next level. I loved him. Things ended when he needed to move on. I was so very hurt that I was not the one he chose to move on with that I needed to end our friendship. However, after a few years we have reconnected and I am so happy to have him back in my life, even if it is only with the occasional email. So knowing all of this I am willing to try and keep things on a casual level for Poet. I know that he is a good man that will keep my feelings in mind, so I had sex with him. It was everything I needed from Cabana Boy and never got. It was sensual and passionate and he made me feel special.

I have no regrets about what we did. I did what I wanted to do. We have had a few weird moments since, mostly consisting of me not being sure what is ok and what isn't. I'm not sure why he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. I have a few ideas, but that is purely conjecture on my part. So all of this leads to how he made me cry yesterday. We were talking and he asked me if I am the kiss and tell type. I said no (to me kissing and telling is bragging to our friends). He says good because he would hate for someone to bring up the fact that we slept together if he happened to be on a date or with a future girlfriend. To be completely honest with you dear ones, I was crushed. I wanted to cry. I held back though and played it off as if it meant nothing. The second I left him though, the tears came through. As much as I would love to be able to have sex and not get my feelings involved I can't. I'm not made that way. I cared about him as a friend before we ever did anything and I care about him even more now that we have. I am sure that he didn't mean anything by his comment, but it still stung. It made me feel like he is embarrassed by me, that I would never be considered girlfriend material, and that all I am to him is another way to get off. Am I projecting my "every guy is out to hurt me" notions on him? Maybe I am. I'm just lost at this point. I feel like as much as we talked about what the consequences could be we never really talked about how we were planning on dealing with them once we crossed that line. We talked briefly last night, but we didn't spend time together. He sensed something was bothering me and asked me about it but I wasn't sure what to say so I dismissed his concern. At this point I have no idea if he thinks of this as a one time only occurrence or if he wants more. I have no idea how to bring it up. I really am ok with just being friends with benefits right now, I just need to know where I stand with him. It just sucks that I finally meet a truly great guy, have really, really good sex with him and that this is how I feel afterwards.

***Disclaimer: To those of you that think you know who I am talking about, please maintain the anonymity of this blog. I want to respect his right to privacy. Thank you.***