Broken

So Poet and I are officially just friends again. It's tormenting him that we have had sex (although we both admit it was pretty fuckin fabulous) and he is in no way interested in a relationship right now. Things between us have been nothing but weird since we did the deed. I was getting quite frustrated by the whole situation myself. On one hand I didn't really want to be in a relationship right now either. On the other hand I believe that everything happens for a reason and he is such a good guy I felt that despite the bad timing maybe we were supposed to make something work. The whole situation has been tearing me apart emotionally since it happened. All I have done this week is get drunk trying to numb the feelings that I was unable to express. Last night was really, really bad. I got drunk at the bar, and my former crush was there making moves on me. I texted Poet and told him what was going on and he told me to "do my thing". It was at that moment that I knew he would never have any intention of trying to work anything out between us other then friendship. So being hurt and angry and drunk I went home with former crush, had a little wham bam thank you ma'am, and 45 minutes later was out the door without so much as a hug goodbye. Talk about making a bad situation worse, I have never felt so completely worthless in my entire life. I would rather go back into the hell that was my first love and get knocked around then feel this way. I know that Poet is making a decision that he thinks is best for both us. I know that he never, ever wanted to hurt me or make me feel bad. I place absolutely no blame on him whatsoever. He told me last night that if we can't get past things that we would have to stop talking completely. I really hate the thought of that, he has been a wonderful friend to me and I really, really don't want to lose that. I told him to give me a little time and I will get better. I want things back to the way they were before we let things go to far. I honestly don't know if that is possible, but I really am going to try as hard as I can. I want my friend back to be silly with, laugh with, and just be able to talk about anything with. I've really missed that this week. So I won't be drinking for awhile. I need to be sober and take care of me.