Goodbye Cabana Boy. Hello New Start.

So after thinking long and hard about sharing my break-up story I have decided to do so. One, because most of you that read here are friends. Two, because maybe someone will learn from my mistakes. And three, because it might make me feel a bit better to get this all off my chest.

As my faithful readers know Cabana Boy and I started dating the end of January. I spent so much time putting a wall up with him. (Clue #1 that things would not work out.) He kept persisting and saying all the right things, but again my gut instinct was not in it. (Clue #2) I started finding things out about him that he had either not been up front with or just flat out lied about. These things ranged from the small such as his dog’s biting behavior to the large like his ex-girlfriend being pregnant with his child. (Clue #3)
But the biggest obstacle of all was just how completely different we are. He is all about tattoos, extreme piercings, implants, suspensions, branding, scarification, etc. And while I love a man with tattoos, the extreme nature of his passion was a little too much for me to take. I constantly brought this up to him and he constantly reassured me that he loved me just as I was. Yet even in that reassurance the girls he flirted with were the “goth” or “punk” girl that I was not.

Things began to go downhill for us about a month ago. It started with a girl that had met him during the tattoo convention we both attended in August. She tracked him down on myspace and confessed her “crush” on him. They proceeded to have cyber sex and during the course of one of these “conversations” he told her that the only reason he was with me was because we were in a lease together. Now, I will admit that I was wrong to read his email, but he left it up and curiosity got the best of me. I confronted him about it and he said that wasn’t how he really felt. Yet to me why would he have chosen to say that exact thing if the thought had not crossed his mind. Our argument was very ugly. At first he wasn’t sure what he wanted out of life or if he wanted me to be a part of his finding out. At that point I told him that we should break up then. I deserve to be with someone that is in love with me and that wants to be with me. After making that decision (and having half a bottle of vodka) reality of my situation stepped in. I had given everything up for this man, my independence, my apartment, and my job. If we were to break up I would not only lose my boyfriend, but I would be homeless and broke as well. A lot of tears, drunken rambling, a lot of throwing up and a little bit of destruction later I passed out. I awoke the next morning sheepish and embarrassed by my behavior. He did agree that we should try and stay together and work things out.

I thought things were going well between us. We were laughing again. We had some really great sex. He seemed to be content with our lifestyle once more. Unfortunately, I had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. Once again he was cybering with someone he had met on myspace. This time however, instead of living thousands of miles away she was at my own backdoor. I found out on Sunday that he invited her to our home for Wednesday while I was to be working. She had told him time and time again that she was not interested in having sex, yet he was so persistent in his requests. He wanted to take her to a fetish store, he wanted to give her oral sex in a car, and he wanted to screw her in an alleyway. It was all just too much to take. I confronted him and he didn’t even bother to deny it. I asked him if he didn’t want to be with me, why wouldn’t he just tell me? He said that it wasn’t a matter of not wanting to be with me, so much as his wanting more “excitement and adventure”. At that point with not an ounce of trust left I asked him to leave.

Asking him to move out was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It has only been a few days, but already so much makes me miss him. Stupid things like watching the Amazing Race finale or one of the dogs doing something funny. There are many times I think about calling him and telling him all is forgiven and to come back home. But then I think about how much it hurt that he truly does not love me. And I think about just how wrong we really are for each other. So I never pick up the phone.

Things between CB and I have been uglier then I would have liked during this transition time, but it should all be over by this weekend. I am giving myself the rest of this month to be sad, but I want to start 2006 out with a new attitude.

If I could tell him anything it would be this:
I really did love you. I truly cared about your well being, your son, your passions, your friends, and your dreams. I was willing to share my life with no matter how different we were or how much we squabbled. I wish that you were able to see the good in front of you and be happy with what you have. I know in my heart that you will never be happy or satisfied with anyone or anything until you “get right”. I hope that one day you figure that out before it’s too late. Goodbye.