Ever since I have been reading BDSM blogs I have been noticing more and more references to the topic of D/s. I must admit that I am a little curious about lving a D/s lifestyle as I have always been a naturally submissive person. For me, however, I would need the kind of relationship in which I would still be allowed to be head-strong and independent as well as receive a lot of reassurance and love along with the "punishments and demands".
This weekend Cabana Boy and I were watching the Labyrinth and the following quote at the end of the movie really stuck out as a very Dominant thing to say,
"Jareth: I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."
How true that is. He is asking for her submission and in her giving such submission he submits to her as well. Interesting dynamic, don't you think?
Monday, July 25, 2005
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
It's so hawt
I think I just might melt. We moved into a house with no air conditioning. My whole life I have been coming to Colorado during the summers to visit my mom and her family. None of them have air conditioning. Yet it seems that either the global warming has produced much hotter summers or as you age and get fat you just feel hotter. My mom used to dress me in a sweatsuit with shorts and a tshirt underneath in the mornings. It was always chilly in the morning, dew would be glistening on the grass beneath the morning sun. Now it feels as if it has never cooled off during the night, and I can't remember the last time I actually saw dew on the grass.
Even Diva the Wonder Dog has lost the bounce in her step and just wants to lay beneath the fan. Our American Bulldog baby (Freckles) pants so much she is a giant walking puddle of drool. It's too hot to sleep. It's too hot to clean. It's too hot to do anything but lay near a fan and eat Otter Pops. It's almost too hot for sex. Key word being almost. ;)
Even Diva the Wonder Dog has lost the bounce in her step and just wants to lay beneath the fan. Our American Bulldog baby (Freckles) pants so much she is a giant walking puddle of drool. It's too hot to sleep. It's too hot to clean. It's too hot to do anything but lay near a fan and eat Otter Pops. It's almost too hot for sex. Key word being almost. ;)
Friday, July 15, 2005
What is love?
I've been thinking about what it means to be in love a lot lately. It seems like so often that the word love is tossed around as casually as a pair of sneakers. The way love is shown to us in movies seems to bring an unrealistic expectation of what it should be. I find myself longing for things that no man has given me. Is that because I have yet to find my "one" or because that in the real world relationships don't work that way?
I have so many questions and so few people to ask about what makes a relationship good and what love is. It is times like this I miss my Grandmother tremedously. She always expressed her love for her husband passionately and truthfully. I wish I had thought to ask her these questions before she passed away. There have been so few examples of a positive relationship shown to me in my life. While my mom's parents were married for over 50 years my grandmother was not a person to express any emotion. My mom's sister has been married 30 years and she is such a frigid, prude I would never feel comfortable asking for advice. I used to idolize 2 couples as what I wanted my marriage to be like. One of them divorced this past year. I plan on having a deep conversation with the other over a bottle of wine.
I torment myself watching movies like The Notebook. I watch this couple overcome tough odds to be together so passionately, to be married for 100 years, only to share their last breath together in each other's arms. I sobbed for a good hour after watching this, longing for someone to love me that much. For someone to need me in his life so bad it creates a physical pain, for someone to love me so much he can't bear the thought of being away from me. For me to love someone so much that I sacrafice my needs for his, for me to be so connected with him that it no longer matters the heartache I suffered before he came into my life.
Is that what being in love is supposed to feel like? Is that how it is supposed to go? Is it supposed to be that flame that burns so hot that while it may dim it will never truly be extinguished? Is that why I walk around frustrated in all my relationships as if he can never do enough, because I have yet to meet the "match"?
Or is love a slow growing feeling? More like a good friend that you can be comfortable with no matter what? Is love the fireworks or is it the picnic on the fourth of july? Is it a dozen long stem roses or a small bunch of sunflowers? And that, my dear readers, is my conundrum. I'm not sure what my feeling for the Cabana Boy is and because of that I feel more insecure then ever.
I care for him deeply. I'm committed to him 100%. I'm willing to stand by him through all his health problems and raise his child as if he were my own. It hurts me when he is hurting. I want to fix whatever problem he may have. I feel tremendous guilt if anything I do disappoints him. I enjoy being with him. I want to spend time with him. I miss him when he is gone.
At the same time I am endlessly frustrated by him. Frustrated that he doesn't tell me nice things like I look pretty, that he finds me sexy, that he loves me, that he can't live without me. Frustrated that we aren't having sex everyday and that he doesn't really kiss me, deep and passionate like he would devour me if he could. And frustrated that maybe I am expecting too much. He does call me often throughout the day just to check on me. He wants me to hang out at his shop and with his friends. He comes home early to spend time with me watching a movie together. Is that what love is? Am I missing out because I'm settling? Or is love really this, being with someone not because they get you wet, but because they make you smile in your heart?
I beg of you dear readers, will you please give me your definition of love?
I have so many questions and so few people to ask about what makes a relationship good and what love is. It is times like this I miss my Grandmother tremedously. She always expressed her love for her husband passionately and truthfully. I wish I had thought to ask her these questions before she passed away. There have been so few examples of a positive relationship shown to me in my life. While my mom's parents were married for over 50 years my grandmother was not a person to express any emotion. My mom's sister has been married 30 years and she is such a frigid, prude I would never feel comfortable asking for advice. I used to idolize 2 couples as what I wanted my marriage to be like. One of them divorced this past year. I plan on having a deep conversation with the other over a bottle of wine.
I torment myself watching movies like The Notebook. I watch this couple overcome tough odds to be together so passionately, to be married for 100 years, only to share their last breath together in each other's arms. I sobbed for a good hour after watching this, longing for someone to love me that much. For someone to need me in his life so bad it creates a physical pain, for someone to love me so much he can't bear the thought of being away from me. For me to love someone so much that I sacrafice my needs for his, for me to be so connected with him that it no longer matters the heartache I suffered before he came into my life.
Is that what being in love is supposed to feel like? Is that how it is supposed to go? Is it supposed to be that flame that burns so hot that while it may dim it will never truly be extinguished? Is that why I walk around frustrated in all my relationships as if he can never do enough, because I have yet to meet the "match"?
Or is love a slow growing feeling? More like a good friend that you can be comfortable with no matter what? Is love the fireworks or is it the picnic on the fourth of july? Is it a dozen long stem roses or a small bunch of sunflowers? And that, my dear readers, is my conundrum. I'm not sure what my feeling for the Cabana Boy is and because of that I feel more insecure then ever.
I care for him deeply. I'm committed to him 100%. I'm willing to stand by him through all his health problems and raise his child as if he were my own. It hurts me when he is hurting. I want to fix whatever problem he may have. I feel tremendous guilt if anything I do disappoints him. I enjoy being with him. I want to spend time with him. I miss him when he is gone.
At the same time I am endlessly frustrated by him. Frustrated that he doesn't tell me nice things like I look pretty, that he finds me sexy, that he loves me, that he can't live without me. Frustrated that we aren't having sex everyday and that he doesn't really kiss me, deep and passionate like he would devour me if he could. And frustrated that maybe I am expecting too much. He does call me often throughout the day just to check on me. He wants me to hang out at his shop and with his friends. He comes home early to spend time with me watching a movie together. Is that what love is? Am I missing out because I'm settling? Or is love really this, being with someone not because they get you wet, but because they make you smile in your heart?
I beg of you dear readers, will you please give me your definition of love?
Monday, June 20, 2005
And baby makes 3?
No, I am not pregnant. But Cabana Boy's ex-girlfriend is. And it's his kid. And I just found out about the situation this week. So, now you are all probably wondering what am I gonna do about it. Well, it's like this.....
I feel that everyone deserves one major fuckup in a relationship. Things between Cabana Boy and I have been far from perfect. When it comes down to it though we have really been trying to make things work. There are a few issues with him that I have to decide if I can live with, mainly his diabetes. And our moving in together was my way of making a commitment to him to try.
I do feel lied to and betrayed. He is well aware of that fact. He is very sorry he did not tell me sooner and that he chose instead to hide things from me and lie to me. I do wonder that if he could hide something this big, what else is he capable of hiding. The trust in our relationship is gone, and it will take a lot of work on his part to get it back. He had already been working on a lot of the issues we had previously discussed, and so far has really been making the effort to get us back to where we need to be.
My personal policy has always been never to date a man with children. My reason for this stems from my childhood. My father had sole custody of me and went through numerous wives and girlfriends throughout my childhood. Each time one of these relationships ended I was left with a broken heart never to see that woman again. I swore to myself that I would NEVER put another child through that kind of heartache.
However, I have decided at this time to stick by him. We are going to try and get custody of his son (to be born sometime this summer) as his ex and his ex's family are completely psychotic and not a good environment to raise a child in. (So if anyone can refer us to a good family law attorney in the Houston area that would be fabulous.) We need to talk with an attorney and see what can be done. Cabana Boy is going to try and talk to his ex first and see if he can reason with her, but we don't have much hope for that. I truly do empathize for her situation and can completely understand how she feels, but now is the time to stop thinking about herself and start thinking about what is best for her child.
I spent a lot of time agonizing this decision. I know that I am risking major heartbreak, not just if Cabana Boy breaks my heart again, but of losing a child I will have loved as my own. We have discussed this fact and will hopefully be able to come to some sort of agreement if that situation were ever to occur.
The path I've chosen is not the easy one, but I always seem to choose the rough road. Even though that road is hard, I always come out a better person for taking it.
I feel that everyone deserves one major fuckup in a relationship. Things between Cabana Boy and I have been far from perfect. When it comes down to it though we have really been trying to make things work. There are a few issues with him that I have to decide if I can live with, mainly his diabetes. And our moving in together was my way of making a commitment to him to try.
I do feel lied to and betrayed. He is well aware of that fact. He is very sorry he did not tell me sooner and that he chose instead to hide things from me and lie to me. I do wonder that if he could hide something this big, what else is he capable of hiding. The trust in our relationship is gone, and it will take a lot of work on his part to get it back. He had already been working on a lot of the issues we had previously discussed, and so far has really been making the effort to get us back to where we need to be.
My personal policy has always been never to date a man with children. My reason for this stems from my childhood. My father had sole custody of me and went through numerous wives and girlfriends throughout my childhood. Each time one of these relationships ended I was left with a broken heart never to see that woman again. I swore to myself that I would NEVER put another child through that kind of heartache.
However, I have decided at this time to stick by him. We are going to try and get custody of his son (to be born sometime this summer) as his ex and his ex's family are completely psychotic and not a good environment to raise a child in. (So if anyone can refer us to a good family law attorney in the Houston area that would be fabulous.) We need to talk with an attorney and see what can be done. Cabana Boy is going to try and talk to his ex first and see if he can reason with her, but we don't have much hope for that. I truly do empathize for her situation and can completely understand how she feels, but now is the time to stop thinking about herself and start thinking about what is best for her child.
I spent a lot of time agonizing this decision. I know that I am risking major heartbreak, not just if Cabana Boy breaks my heart again, but of losing a child I will have loved as my own. We have discussed this fact and will hopefully be able to come to some sort of agreement if that situation were ever to occur.
The path I've chosen is not the easy one, but I always seem to choose the rough road. Even though that road is hard, I always come out a better person for taking it.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
A little can go a long way
Sorry it's been so long since my last post. It seems that my life has been spinning out of control as of late. I hate to come on here and just be all woe is me, so I've been keeping to myself.
A small sample of my recent hell:
I threw a rod in my car and had to buy a whole new vehicle.
I've never been so broke in all of my life.
I've been feeling horrible, headaches, colds, just weird.
My job sucks ass and my boss has been a real asshole to me lately.
I had to give away the dog the Cabana Boy bought me cause she was a psycho.
One of my really good friends moved halfway across the world.
We had to put my goats to sleep because the one I hand raised from 3 weeks old got cancer and goats bond for life.
We moved and nothing has gone smoothly, I had to paint our new bathroom 5 times to cover up the horrid green that was in there.
The Cabana Boy and I have major issues to work through and it's not going as well as I had hoped it would.
And to top it all off, my asshole of an ex decided to stalk my best friend and I had to deal with all that mess.
Soooooo........
I have felt awful these last few months. Like nothing I do ever goes right and I can't make a good decision to save my life. I've been going through my day to day like a zombie wiht nothing really making me smile. Until today...
I'm standing in line at Qdoba about to get to the register when I get tapped on the shoulder. This stunning blonde woman leans over and says, "I have this coupon for a 2 for 1, would you like to split it with me?"
I could've cried. I didn't really have the money to spend there, but I wanted the comfort food. So I got my lunch for $3 instead of $10. She was so kind and friendly. I was finally in the right place at the right time for once. That small act of kindness put a smile on my face and gave me a glimmer of hope for what's to come.
So thank you blonde lady at Qdoba. You made my day.
A small sample of my recent hell:
I threw a rod in my car and had to buy a whole new vehicle.
I've never been so broke in all of my life.
I've been feeling horrible, headaches, colds, just weird.
My job sucks ass and my boss has been a real asshole to me lately.
I had to give away the dog the Cabana Boy bought me cause she was a psycho.
One of my really good friends moved halfway across the world.
We had to put my goats to sleep because the one I hand raised from 3 weeks old got cancer and goats bond for life.
We moved and nothing has gone smoothly, I had to paint our new bathroom 5 times to cover up the horrid green that was in there.
The Cabana Boy and I have major issues to work through and it's not going as well as I had hoped it would.
And to top it all off, my asshole of an ex decided to stalk my best friend and I had to deal with all that mess.
Soooooo........
I have felt awful these last few months. Like nothing I do ever goes right and I can't make a good decision to save my life. I've been going through my day to day like a zombie wiht nothing really making me smile. Until today...
I'm standing in line at Qdoba about to get to the register when I get tapped on the shoulder. This stunning blonde woman leans over and says, "I have this coupon for a 2 for 1, would you like to split it with me?"
I could've cried. I didn't really have the money to spend there, but I wanted the comfort food. So I got my lunch for $3 instead of $10. She was so kind and friendly. I was finally in the right place at the right time for once. That small act of kindness put a smile on my face and gave me a glimmer of hope for what's to come.
So thank you blonde lady at Qdoba. You made my day.
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