Different is good

I have dated a lot of crappy guys. I can honestly say there is only one man in my past that I would ever consider having sex with again or even trying to date again (I haven't ever really talked about him here, we'll call him Hockey Geek). So when I think about why those guys were so crappy I come up with one conclusion: They cared more about themselves then they cared about me.

Now before you freak out and say that is how it is supposed to be, hear me out. Yes, you should always put yourself first and take care of you. That is the only way to have a healthy relationship. So when I say that they cared about themselves more, I mean in every way. They never stopped to think about how their actions would make me feel. This is why people find it easy to cheat on someone they say they love. Because in that moment there is not a single thought to the person that you are sharing your life with and how you would be hurting them. It's the complete disregard of your significant other's feelings about anything. It is the complete lack of empathy, sensitivity, moral integrity, and honor that should be the basis of a loving relationship. When I think about my past I realize that I felt their lack of caring in their touch. There is a difference when a guy who is out to get his touches your skin and when a guy that cares about you caresses you. Sure, the motions are the same, but the EMOTIONS are different. The emotions come through in the touch, the kiss, the foreplay, the sex, and the way you both feel about things afterwards.

I don't know that I would have ever come to this conclusion unless Poet pointed it out to me. He says that the way I kiss him, touch him, and look at him he can tell that I have feelings behind that. When I asked him how he knows that he said it is because he does the same thing. So that made me think about the difference between how he touches me and how Cabana Boy or acquaintance crush touched me. I do feel how much he cares about me in the way that he caresses my face. I think that is what makes things so complicated between us. We are both such emotional beings it is hard to separate the physical attraction we feel for one another and the emotions behind it. It makes me wonder if it's the sex that makes us like each other or if it's really how we feel. We tried taking sex out of the equation and it felt unnatural. Whenever we would be in the same room with one another it felt like we were both holding back from saying what we needed to or making any kind of inadvertent physical contact. It feels uncomfortable and weird and I hated it. So somehow Poet and I ended up cuddling up together once again and things felt right. Things felt more honest that way then trying to stifle these feelings that come up. Well, cuddling leads to kissing and kissing leads to touching and touching leads to, well, you know. And here we are back where we started, those damn emotions that come along with that undeniable physical attraction.

As I see it one of three things will happen between us:
1. Whatever this chemistry is will fizzle out once we have it out of our systems and we will go back to just being friends and all will be well.
2. This chemistry leads to something more significant and maybe we realize that us together is a good thing and honestly try and make something out of it.
3. One of us will get emotionally entangled and the other won't, leading to a broken heart and the loss of a great friendship.

I really don't want it to be #3. If that were to happen I know that it would end up being my heart that's broken. #3 has already happened to me with the Hockey Geek. If you want to put a label on our relationship I guess it would be "friends with benefits". We never really went on dates or met each others friends and family. We pretty much just hung out together and had great sex. Eventually I wanted more then he could give and in the end we had to call it quits. I was devastated for a long time about it. I had never had a relationship that was so open and honest where I felt like I could tell him anything without being embarrassed or made to feel stupid. I had never had such great sex, either. I had never known a guy to actually care about how I felt, what I thought, or what he could do to please me in bed. It was overwhelmingly wonderful. I think because we were always honest with each other and I hold no blame for why he had to end things, we have been able to rekindle a friendship today. I have NO regrets of any kind about my relationship with Hockey Geek. I wish we had better timing with life, but I am grateful he was in my life. He really showed me what it should be like when a guy says he cares about you.

I think that is why I am willing to take a chance on Poet. I know in my heart he really does care about me. Whenever he thinks he has hurt me, I see that hurt reflected in his eyes. It torments him. Sometimes he can be a little too brutally honest, but I know it is what I really need to hear. He never says whatever it takes to get under my skirt. In fact, he spends most of the time trying to talk me out of wanting to be with him. That kinda backfires though and makes me want him more. He told me this morning that what makes it hard for him is that he has feelings for more than one girl at the same time. He is talking to other girls, dating other girls, and then there is me. To be honest I am not sure how I feel about that. I want him all to myself, but at the same time I really wonder if a relationship between the two of us would ever even work out at all. We are so alike in so many ways, but we are also really different in really big ways. It's those differences that make both of us a little skeptical about any kind of future together. So we are stuck in this uncertainty that only goes away when we are alone together in the dark. Is that bad? Is it wrong? I don't know. I only know how he makes me feel when I am with him and that is all that matters. I suppose only time will tell which of the three things will happen with us.

Longing

I've always been a big fan of being woken up for sex. Whether it be in the middle of the night or early in the morning nothing gets me hotter then knowing that he wakes up wanting. This morning we wake up to the alarm, he hits the snooze button. I snuggle up closer to him. His hands start roaming with gentle caresses that cause my belly to flutter with anticipation. His hand moves up to my hair as he brushes it from my neck. Gentle kisses to the back of my neck and I wiggle even closer to him. I lightly caress his arm, kissing the palm of his hand, nibbling on his finger, he moans. The alarm sounds again, silenced again by the snooze button. I mourn the loss of his hand on my body and moan with pleasure as he returns it. More touching, more playing, and then time has become our enemy. I must get up and go to work. We reluctantly part and being the day.

So now I sit here, at my desk, surrounded by the mundane, with thoughts of his touch, the anticipation still fluttering in my belly, his scent still on my skin, thinking about tonight and setting the alarm to go off even earlier tomorrow.

Broken

So Poet and I are officially just friends again. It's tormenting him that we have had sex (although we both admit it was pretty fuckin fabulous) and he is in no way interested in a relationship right now. Things between us have been nothing but weird since we did the deed. I was getting quite frustrated by the whole situation myself. On one hand I didn't really want to be in a relationship right now either. On the other hand I believe that everything happens for a reason and he is such a good guy I felt that despite the bad timing maybe we were supposed to make something work. The whole situation has been tearing me apart emotionally since it happened. All I have done this week is get drunk trying to numb the feelings that I was unable to express. Last night was really, really bad. I got drunk at the bar, and my former crush was there making moves on me. I texted Poet and told him what was going on and he told me to "do my thing". It was at that moment that I knew he would never have any intention of trying to work anything out between us other then friendship. So being hurt and angry and drunk I went home with former crush, had a little wham bam thank you ma'am, and 45 minutes later was out the door without so much as a hug goodbye. Talk about making a bad situation worse, I have never felt so completely worthless in my entire life. I would rather go back into the hell that was my first love and get knocked around then feel this way. I know that Poet is making a decision that he thinks is best for both us. I know that he never, ever wanted to hurt me or make me feel bad. I place absolutely no blame on him whatsoever. He told me last night that if we can't get past things that we would have to stop talking completely. I really hate the thought of that, he has been a wonderful friend to me and I really, really don't want to lose that. I told him to give me a little time and I will get better. I want things back to the way they were before we let things go to far. I honestly don't know if that is possible, but I really am going to try as hard as I can. I want my friend back to be silly with, laugh with, and just be able to talk about anything with. I've really missed that this week. So I won't be drinking for awhile. I need to be sober and take care of me.

How do I manage to get myself into these situations?

So quick update on where things stand with my love life: Hot Latino Crush is no longer an option (regardless of how phenomenal of a kisser he is), acquaintance Crush is no longer an option either as he has knocked up someone else (regardless of how badly I wanted to be his "good girl"), and as far as the "one" well I am not sure if that one will ever get anywhere. So all of this leads up to this weekend and my current conundrum.

I met Poet a while ago online. We chatted on and off, here and there. Recently we have become better friends and started hanging out together quite a bit. While I thought he was a great guy and cute as hell I never considered him to be anything more then a really good friend. So the other night we were hanging out together and one thing lead to another and we ended up fooling around a little. Now, while taking me completely off-guard cause I had NO CLUE that he liked me like that, I definitely didn't mind. So this leads us to have the conversation about consequences if we were to pursue things any further. One being that our friendship would change and the other that he is not in the market for a girlfriend right now.

I know in my heart that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt my feelings. He hates the fact that guys have treated me badly and said that he doesn't want to be another guy that fucks with my head or plays with my emotions. He expressed his interest in me and placed the ball in my court. It was my decision whether or not to let things go further. I had a similar relationship in the past that was the best relationship I have ever had. It was the most honest, open relationship I have ever known. We were "friends with benefits" for over a year. Never once in that time did I feel that he was not being completely honest with me. I knew that he genuinely cared for me and wanted to be spending time with me. He just wasn't ready for a committed relationship. Our agreement was that if one of us wanted to move on, we would let the other one go. Now I am not saying that my feelings were not bruised during that year we were together. There were many times that I wanted to take the relationship to the next level. I loved him. Things ended when he needed to move on. I was so very hurt that I was not the one he chose to move on with that I needed to end our friendship. However, after a few years we have reconnected and I am so happy to have him back in my life, even if it is only with the occasional email. So knowing all of this I am willing to try and keep things on a casual level for Poet. I know that he is a good man that will keep my feelings in mind, so I had sex with him. It was everything I needed from Cabana Boy and never got. It was sensual and passionate and he made me feel special.

I have no regrets about what we did. I did what I wanted to do. We have had a few weird moments since, mostly consisting of me not being sure what is ok and what isn't. I'm not sure why he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. I have a few ideas, but that is purely conjecture on my part. So all of this leads to how he made me cry yesterday. We were talking and he asked me if I am the kiss and tell type. I said no (to me kissing and telling is bragging to our friends). He says good because he would hate for someone to bring up the fact that we slept together if he happened to be on a date or with a future girlfriend. To be completely honest with you dear ones, I was crushed. I wanted to cry. I held back though and played it off as if it meant nothing. The second I left him though, the tears came through. As much as I would love to be able to have sex and not get my feelings involved I can't. I'm not made that way. I cared about him as a friend before we ever did anything and I care about him even more now that we have. I am sure that he didn't mean anything by his comment, but it still stung. It made me feel like he is embarrassed by me, that I would never be considered girlfriend material, and that all I am to him is another way to get off. Am I projecting my "every guy is out to hurt me" notions on him? Maybe I am. I'm just lost at this point. I feel like as much as we talked about what the consequences could be we never really talked about how we were planning on dealing with them once we crossed that line. We talked briefly last night, but we didn't spend time together. He sensed something was bothering me and asked me about it but I wasn't sure what to say so I dismissed his concern. At this point I have no idea if he thinks of this as a one time only occurrence or if he wants more. I have no idea how to bring it up. I really am ok with just being friends with benefits right now, I just need to know where I stand with him. It just sucks that I finally meet a truly great guy, have really, really good sex with him and that this is how I feel afterwards.

***Disclaimer: To those of you that think you know who I am talking about, please maintain the anonymity of this blog. I want to respect his right to privacy. Thank you.***

How can a night be so good and so bad?

I should have known last night after I spilled half a bottle of red nail polish onto the white carpet (don't ask, but do send cleaning tips) that I should stay home and hide under the covers. I finished getting ready and headed out to meet some friends at a nightclub we don't typically frequent. The only reason I went was because my hot latino crush was going to be there and I knew I was looking pretty hot. HLC and my friends were waiting outside when I got there and he reached over and hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and told me how hot I am. I am such a sucker for compliments. So we all go inside and my friend Gin and I feel completely out of place, we are two rockabilly girls in a sea of trendsters. I see some of my fellow derbygirls and go over to say hi. I find out that I am needed to go to Vegas with the team. I am so excited!!! All night long HLC kisses me and says nice things to me. At one point he grabs my face and gives me this knee weakening kiss and I think to myself that this night is about to get interesting. And interesting it got. A little while later HLC comes off the dance floor with some chick and he is all over her. My feelings are quite crushed. As much as I try to be casual with guys and not get so emotionally involved, I just can't. I am not made that way. So now I am pissed off and hurt and not wanting to be there any longer. We leave and are halfway to the next bar when I realize that I have forgotten my damn credit card. So back we go so I can close out my tab. We proceed to another bar where I run into the chick that CB tried to cheat on me with (which while I harbor no hard feelings towards her, seeing her just pisses me off) and a dog almost pees on my leg. Great. Nothing is really happening there so we head out to our fave rockabilly bar to meet some friends. We get there and things are a bit better and this guy comes and asks me to dance. Actually he asks Gin if she minds if he asks me to dance and I thought that was really sweet. So we dance and he is a pretty decent swing dancer. I am quite shitty by this point though and have two left feet. As it is closing time, he leaves, but gives me his number and asks for mine. Most have been the alcohol but I gave it to him. I really don't expect him to call though.
I come back home and my roommate comes up and hangs out with me for a chat. This is why my roommate fucking rules. He and I have such great chats and see the world in many similar ways. Talking to him made me feel better about the whole HLC situation. I have decided to quit talking to HLC for my own good. I know that when I have that kinda chemistry with that kind of guy that only bad things happen.