Different is good

I have dated a lot of crappy guys. I can honestly say there is only one man in my past that I would ever consider having sex with again or even trying to date again (I haven't ever really talked about him here, we'll call him Hockey Geek). So when I think about why those guys were so crappy I come up with one conclusion: They cared more about themselves then they cared about me.

Now before you freak out and say that is how it is supposed to be, hear me out. Yes, you should always put yourself first and take care of you. That is the only way to have a healthy relationship. So when I say that they cared about themselves more, I mean in every way. They never stopped to think about how their actions would make me feel. This is why people find it easy to cheat on someone they say they love. Because in that moment there is not a single thought to the person that you are sharing your life with and how you would be hurting them. It's the complete disregard of your significant other's feelings about anything. It is the complete lack of empathy, sensitivity, moral integrity, and honor that should be the basis of a loving relationship. When I think about my past I realize that I felt their lack of caring in their touch. There is a difference when a guy who is out to get his touches your skin and when a guy that cares about you caresses you. Sure, the motions are the same, but the EMOTIONS are different. The emotions come through in the touch, the kiss, the foreplay, the sex, and the way you both feel about things afterwards.

I don't know that I would have ever come to this conclusion unless Poet pointed it out to me. He says that the way I kiss him, touch him, and look at him he can tell that I have feelings behind that. When I asked him how he knows that he said it is because he does the same thing. So that made me think about the difference between how he touches me and how Cabana Boy or acquaintance crush touched me. I do feel how much he cares about me in the way that he caresses my face. I think that is what makes things so complicated between us. We are both such emotional beings it is hard to separate the physical attraction we feel for one another and the emotions behind it. It makes me wonder if it's the sex that makes us like each other or if it's really how we feel. We tried taking sex out of the equation and it felt unnatural. Whenever we would be in the same room with one another it felt like we were both holding back from saying what we needed to or making any kind of inadvertent physical contact. It feels uncomfortable and weird and I hated it. So somehow Poet and I ended up cuddling up together once again and things felt right. Things felt more honest that way then trying to stifle these feelings that come up. Well, cuddling leads to kissing and kissing leads to touching and touching leads to, well, you know. And here we are back where we started, those damn emotions that come along with that undeniable physical attraction.

As I see it one of three things will happen between us:
1. Whatever this chemistry is will fizzle out once we have it out of our systems and we will go back to just being friends and all will be well.
2. This chemistry leads to something more significant and maybe we realize that us together is a good thing and honestly try and make something out of it.
3. One of us will get emotionally entangled and the other won't, leading to a broken heart and the loss of a great friendship.

I really don't want it to be #3. If that were to happen I know that it would end up being my heart that's broken. #3 has already happened to me with the Hockey Geek. If you want to put a label on our relationship I guess it would be "friends with benefits". We never really went on dates or met each others friends and family. We pretty much just hung out together and had great sex. Eventually I wanted more then he could give and in the end we had to call it quits. I was devastated for a long time about it. I had never had a relationship that was so open and honest where I felt like I could tell him anything without being embarrassed or made to feel stupid. I had never had such great sex, either. I had never known a guy to actually care about how I felt, what I thought, or what he could do to please me in bed. It was overwhelmingly wonderful. I think because we were always honest with each other and I hold no blame for why he had to end things, we have been able to rekindle a friendship today. I have NO regrets of any kind about my relationship with Hockey Geek. I wish we had better timing with life, but I am grateful he was in my life. He really showed me what it should be like when a guy says he cares about you.

I think that is why I am willing to take a chance on Poet. I know in my heart he really does care about me. Whenever he thinks he has hurt me, I see that hurt reflected in his eyes. It torments him. Sometimes he can be a little too brutally honest, but I know it is what I really need to hear. He never says whatever it takes to get under my skirt. In fact, he spends most of the time trying to talk me out of wanting to be with him. That kinda backfires though and makes me want him more. He told me this morning that what makes it hard for him is that he has feelings for more than one girl at the same time. He is talking to other girls, dating other girls, and then there is me. To be honest I am not sure how I feel about that. I want him all to myself, but at the same time I really wonder if a relationship between the two of us would ever even work out at all. We are so alike in so many ways, but we are also really different in really big ways. It's those differences that make both of us a little skeptical about any kind of future together. So we are stuck in this uncertainty that only goes away when we are alone together in the dark. Is that bad? Is it wrong? I don't know. I only know how he makes me feel when I am with him and that is all that matters. I suppose only time will tell which of the three things will happen with us.