New Puppy

This is so late in coming, but I have not been in the blogging mood as of late. A few weeks ago the lovely Cabana Boy deceided that we needed another dog because the 4 we already have between us isn't enough. Not only that but we needed another big dog because the 2 American Bulldogs and the Pitbull aren't enough big dogs. So we look in the paper at all the dogs available and he tells me to call on a few of them. I really wanted a Chihuahua. I already have a 3lb Yorkie and I wanted something that would be close to her size so she would have a snuggle buddy.

So later that day we end up going to look at an American Bulldog/English Mastiff mix. Once we get there we are told there is also an American Bulldog/Great DAne mix available as well. So we play with both dogs, and CB look at me and says, "Which one do you like better?"
"The Dane mix because she's friendlier."
So he buys her for me. Just like that. Her name is Madison and at 6 months old she is already weighing in at around 70 lbs.

We get her home and she is completely glued to me. She thinks she is a lap dog. All she wants to do is snuggle up. I fell in love with her immediately. That is until we realized that her previous owner had trained her to only go potty in her kennel. She has no idea what to do outside, she can't walk on a leash, and she knows no commands. There is absolutely no way I can handle her. She's crazy. I tell him that he needs to take her to his house and let his other dogs help train her. This idea is cemented when I get home from work the second night we had her.

I come home and Diva the Wonder Dog is standing in the middle of the living room with her head down and tail between her legs. I look around and she has done nothing wrong. I go to let Madison out of the guest bathroom and Diva takes off. I open the door and OH MY FUCKING GOD. This dog has shit in the bathroom. Not only did she shit and piss in there but she has spread it EVERYWHERE. The floor, counter, tub, walls, and door are covered in shit. And there she sits tail wagging. I call the CB and tell him that I am bringing the dog to him NOW. I can't handle her and he better come up and help me clean this mess up. My poor bathroom will never be the same. Did I mention that no one lived in my apartment before me and that it was BRAND NEW when I moved in? Disgusting.

Madison lets me give her a sponge bath and I put her in the car and head down to CB's shop. We take her to his house and explain to his roommate the situation. Flash foward to now and Madison is doing so much better. CB's roommate has worked wonders with her. I saw her last Saturday and she was already more relaxed and playful. She remembered me too. :) She's going potty outside now and he is working on getting her leash trained. Maybe in another few weeks she can spend the weekends with me. But I'm keeping her out of the bathroom! LOL

It's Roller Derby Baby

I am seriously considering becoming a Rocky Mountain Rollergirl. I think beating the shit outta people while wearing a skirt sounds like too much fun. Plus all that skating would really get my JLO butt bumpin. The only thing I'm worried about is getting seriously hurt. I can handle a few bumps and bruises, but I value all my bones being in one piece. Still, I am intrigued enough to call the captain and chat with her a bit. I definately want to go check out some matches and maybe skate around with them a bit. I haven't been on skates since the rollerblading incident of 1999. Maybe I should dust off my wheels this weekend and hit the bike path.

Rocky Mountain Rollergirls

Anxiety and Insecurity

Did you ever have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something bad is going to happen because things are going too well in your life? I kinda feel that way today. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I just feel super anxious. I'm all jittery and I have all of the Butterfly Pavillion's residents visiting my stomach. Plus that just seems to be my pattern, really good is always followed by really bad. I know that the good times seem better because the hard times have been ridden out, but for once I would like to know what it feels like to have a drama free life, to just be happy with myself and the ones that I love. I think this feeling is coming from my relationship insecurites with the Cabana Boy. He is so wonderful that I am waiting to see what is wrong with him. Does that make any sense at all? It's like he is too good to be true. Maybe I only feel this way because I've only experienced heartbreak when it comes to men.

I've loved three men in my dating life, my first love that I just realized I let go of a long time ago, my ex fiancee who was the first man to show me kindness and romance, and my punk rock chef that showed me what a true honest relationship is like.

My frist love lied, stole, and cheated me out of everything and everyone I cared about. He broke me down emotionally so that I felt he was my only option. It took a lot of years to let him go and move on, and now that I have I really feel like I am in a relationship now with a completely open heart.

My ex fiancee was the first man to bring me flowers just because, he spoiled me rotton. He was also the first man that I lived with. He was successful, charming, romantic, loving, and generous. He also cheated on me for a year with two other women. That really hit me hard as I felt that I had been living with a stranger for 2 years, that I had been living one big lie. In the the end though, I was relieved that I hadn't married him because while I loved him, he wasn't the "one".

My sweet chef, I can not say a single bad thing about him. We just had bad timing. For some reason I never felt insecure or jealous at all with him. We were always completely honest with each other. For instance, there was one night that we were just chatting and he had come from a work related party. He told me that there had been a waitress that he had been interested in and by the time he was single she had quit. He told me she had been at the party and he had spoken to her. He told me that if she had been single he would have been interested in asking her out. At that point we agreed that if either one of us wanted to see someone else we would let the other know before we did anything. Not that making that agreement didn't break my heart just a little cause I wanted him to only be interested in me, but I knew that he needed his freedom at the time. We never did see anyone else until we stopped seeing each other and he is the only ex I would ever consider dating again.

So in order to put my restless mind at ease I decided to ask my CB a few questions last night as we were laying in bed.
"Baby, have you read my blog lately?"
"No. I'll read it tomorrow."
"Baby, have you ever cheated on anyone?"
"No."
"What do you consider cheating?"
"Consensual sex including kissing. Why are you asking me this stuff?"
"I dunno. This whole thing with my cousin got me thinking about cheating and stuff. Baby, are we exclusive?"
"Of course we are. Why are you being so weird?"
"Because you are so wonderful that I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with you."

And he is wonderful. There are a multitude of little things he does that melt my heart.
*He calls me just to say hi.
*He holds my hand wherever we go.
*He makes me laugh.
*He drives one hour just to see me.
*He loves my annoying little dog.
*He lets me whine when I'm not getting my way.
*He helps me clean up the world's biggest dog mess at midnight after he's worked all day. He actually got down on his hands and knees and scrubbed the floor.
*He surprises me by coming home early and taking a Sunday off.
*He is nice ot my friends and family.
*He doesn't get mad at me when I'm having a jealous/insecure moment.
*He takes care of me in ways I didn't know I needed.
*He has no problem with PDA as he likes to stick his hands in my back pockets and pinch my ass.


A friend of mine sent me this quote today, "She who is brave is free." I am going the brave route and taking that blind leap of faith. Whatever happens is meant to be and I can't change the course of fate. Now if someone would just tell that to my belly...

Sometimes I am not a good girlfriend.

I am horrible at the whole communication thing. I always feel like if I say how I'm feeling that I'll either be taken advantage of or made fun of. Blame it on my horrible first relationships. Blame it on my parents. Blame it on the ostrich side of my family. Blame it on me for having such a hard time just getting over it. The problem with not saying how I feel when I feel it is that then I stew over it. And as I stew over it I begin to get pissed off. And then I just get super bitchy and he feels like it is for no reason and gets pissed off. Then we fight and nothing gets resolved. All I've accomplished is pushing away someone I care about another step further. Not that this has happened with the Cabana Boy, at least not yet, I hope not ever. I've just done some slight bitchy things at inappropriate times. Thursday night was one of those times. He had a horrible day. He had developed an infection and had to go to the doctor for tests all day. Needless to say, he was in severe pain. Yet, he drove all the way to my house (1 hour) to come see me anyway. And as someone that is not feeling good will do, he was a little whiney.
Well, I was so happy to be seeing him as I hadn't seen him since Monday morning. All I wanted was to cuddle up with him and try to make him feel better as well as I could. Only to find out that I can't. There is absolutely nothing I can do for him. I hate the helpless feeling that creates. And even trying to do the little things to make him semi-comfortable I still wasn't doing enough. So because I am frustrated that I can't help relieve his pain, I can't be with him the way I want, and I can't make it all go away forever I get super bitchy. I become insensitive to how he feels because I don't know how to deal with the situation.

All I can do at this point is try to make sure I don't do this again, to be honest about what I feel when I'm feeling it, and not to forget all the wonderful things he does for me. Things like driving an hour just to see me even if he's in pain or just tired, like holding me close during a scary movie, like always listening to me complain about all my issues and my friend's issues, and most of all like going to weird super trendy emo parties with me on one of his busiest nights of the week. He really is a great boyfriend to a sometimes horrible girlfriend.

I'll take you to the candy shop...

boy one taste of what I got, I'll have you spendin all you got.....

Damn. I love this fucking song. It makes me want to hit the club and dance. That's one of things I dislike about Denver, there are very few decent hip hop clubs here. Yeah, house/techno/trance is ok. I like some of it. I can dance to it. It's just not the same as going to a true hip hop club and gettin my groove on. Dancing in a hip hop club is like being in a giant orgy with your clothes on. It entices all your senses, the thump of the bass reverberating through your body, the heat of sweaty bodies pressed together, the rhythm of the music pulsating in your ears. Gully girls in short skirts, high heels, and low cut shirts. Baller boys rollin mad deep, baggin and saggin, sportin the latest jersey with matchin Timbs. Getting into that perfect rhythm of give and take, grinding up against one another. It's pure, unadulterated foreplay. I love it. So thanks 50, for giving me yet another song to get my eagle on, shake it like a salt shaker, back that thang up, bump and grind, freak, and bounce to.

[Intro: 50 Cent]
Yeah...
Uh huh
So seductive

[Chorus: 50 Cent & Olivia]
[50 Cent]
I take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollypop
Go 'head girl, don't you stop
Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)
[Olivia]
I'll take you to the candy shop
Boy one taste of what I got
I'll have you spending all you got
Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)

[Verse 1: 50 Cent]
You can have it your way, how do you want it
You gon' back that thing up or should i push up on it
Temperature rising, okay lets go to the next level
Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle
I'll break it down for you now, baby it's simple
If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho
In the hotel or in the back of the rental
On the beach or in the park, it's whatever you into
I got the magic stick, I'm the love doctor
Have your friends teasin you 'bout how sprung I gotcha
Wanna show me how you work it baby, no problem
Get on top then get to bouncing round like a low rider
I'm a seasons vet when it come to this shit
After you broke up a sweat you can play with the stick
I'm tryin to explain baby the best way I can
I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands (ha ha)

[Chorus]

[Bridge: 50 Cent & Olivia]
Girl what we do (what we do)
And where we do (and where we do)
The things we do (things we do)
Are just between me and you (oh yeah)

[Verse 2: 50 Cent]
Give it to me baby, nice and slow
Climb on top, ride like you in the rodeo
You ain't never heard a sound like this before
Cause I ain't never put it down like this
Soon as I come through the door she get to pullin on my zipper
It's like it's a race who can get undressed quicker
Isn't it ironic how erotic it is to watch em in thongs
Had me thinking 'bout that ass after I'm gone
I touch the right spot at the right time
Lights on or lights off, she like it from behind
So seductive, you should see the way she wind
Her hips in slow-mo on the floor when we grind
As Long as she ain't stoppin, homie I aint stoppin
Drippin wet with sweat man its on and popping
All my champagne campaign, bottle after bottle its on
And we gon' sip til every bubble in the bottle is gone

[Chorus 2x]