Anxiety and Insecurity

Did you ever have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something bad is going to happen because things are going too well in your life? I kinda feel that way today. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I just feel super anxious. I'm all jittery and I have all of the Butterfly Pavillion's residents visiting my stomach. Plus that just seems to be my pattern, really good is always followed by really bad. I know that the good times seem better because the hard times have been ridden out, but for once I would like to know what it feels like to have a drama free life, to just be happy with myself and the ones that I love. I think this feeling is coming from my relationship insecurites with the Cabana Boy. He is so wonderful that I am waiting to see what is wrong with him. Does that make any sense at all? It's like he is too good to be true. Maybe I only feel this way because I've only experienced heartbreak when it comes to men.

I've loved three men in my dating life, my first love that I just realized I let go of a long time ago, my ex fiancee who was the first man to show me kindness and romance, and my punk rock chef that showed me what a true honest relationship is like.

My frist love lied, stole, and cheated me out of everything and everyone I cared about. He broke me down emotionally so that I felt he was my only option. It took a lot of years to let him go and move on, and now that I have I really feel like I am in a relationship now with a completely open heart.

My ex fiancee was the first man to bring me flowers just because, he spoiled me rotton. He was also the first man that I lived with. He was successful, charming, romantic, loving, and generous. He also cheated on me for a year with two other women. That really hit me hard as I felt that I had been living with a stranger for 2 years, that I had been living one big lie. In the the end though, I was relieved that I hadn't married him because while I loved him, he wasn't the "one".

My sweet chef, I can not say a single bad thing about him. We just had bad timing. For some reason I never felt insecure or jealous at all with him. We were always completely honest with each other. For instance, there was one night that we were just chatting and he had come from a work related party. He told me that there had been a waitress that he had been interested in and by the time he was single she had quit. He told me she had been at the party and he had spoken to her. He told me that if she had been single he would have been interested in asking her out. At that point we agreed that if either one of us wanted to see someone else we would let the other know before we did anything. Not that making that agreement didn't break my heart just a little cause I wanted him to only be interested in me, but I knew that he needed his freedom at the time. We never did see anyone else until we stopped seeing each other and he is the only ex I would ever consider dating again.

So in order to put my restless mind at ease I decided to ask my CB a few questions last night as we were laying in bed.
"Baby, have you read my blog lately?"
"No. I'll read it tomorrow."
"Baby, have you ever cheated on anyone?"
"No."
"What do you consider cheating?"
"Consensual sex including kissing. Why are you asking me this stuff?"
"I dunno. This whole thing with my cousin got me thinking about cheating and stuff. Baby, are we exclusive?"
"Of course we are. Why are you being so weird?"
"Because you are so wonderful that I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with you."

And he is wonderful. There are a multitude of little things he does that melt my heart.
*He calls me just to say hi.
*He holds my hand wherever we go.
*He makes me laugh.
*He drives one hour just to see me.
*He loves my annoying little dog.
*He lets me whine when I'm not getting my way.
*He helps me clean up the world's biggest dog mess at midnight after he's worked all day. He actually got down on his hands and knees and scrubbed the floor.
*He surprises me by coming home early and taking a Sunday off.
*He is nice ot my friends and family.
*He doesn't get mad at me when I'm having a jealous/insecure moment.
*He takes care of me in ways I didn't know I needed.
*He has no problem with PDA as he likes to stick his hands in my back pockets and pinch my ass.


A friend of mine sent me this quote today, "She who is brave is free." I am going the brave route and taking that blind leap of faith. Whatever happens is meant to be and I can't change the course of fate. Now if someone would just tell that to my belly...