Sometimes I am not a good girlfriend.

I am horrible at the whole communication thing. I always feel like if I say how I'm feeling that I'll either be taken advantage of or made fun of. Blame it on my horrible first relationships. Blame it on my parents. Blame it on the ostrich side of my family. Blame it on me for having such a hard time just getting over it. The problem with not saying how I feel when I feel it is that then I stew over it. And as I stew over it I begin to get pissed off. And then I just get super bitchy and he feels like it is for no reason and gets pissed off. Then we fight and nothing gets resolved. All I've accomplished is pushing away someone I care about another step further. Not that this has happened with the Cabana Boy, at least not yet, I hope not ever. I've just done some slight bitchy things at inappropriate times. Thursday night was one of those times. He had a horrible day. He had developed an infection and had to go to the doctor for tests all day. Needless to say, he was in severe pain. Yet, he drove all the way to my house (1 hour) to come see me anyway. And as someone that is not feeling good will do, he was a little whiney.
Well, I was so happy to be seeing him as I hadn't seen him since Monday morning. All I wanted was to cuddle up with him and try to make him feel better as well as I could. Only to find out that I can't. There is absolutely nothing I can do for him. I hate the helpless feeling that creates. And even trying to do the little things to make him semi-comfortable I still wasn't doing enough. So because I am frustrated that I can't help relieve his pain, I can't be with him the way I want, and I can't make it all go away forever I get super bitchy. I become insensitive to how he feels because I don't know how to deal with the situation.

All I can do at this point is try to make sure I don't do this again, to be honest about what I feel when I'm feeling it, and not to forget all the wonderful things he does for me. Things like driving an hour just to see me even if he's in pain or just tired, like holding me close during a scary movie, like always listening to me complain about all my issues and my friend's issues, and most of all like going to weird super trendy emo parties with me on one of his busiest nights of the week. He really is a great boyfriend to a sometimes horrible girlfriend.