I went and made sure that the cheating cousin didn't have a new profile up on AFF. He doesn't and that made me quite happy. I was kinda worried if he just fed me a bunch of bullshit to get me off his ass. It wouldn't be the first time I fell for a guy's line. And that just got me to thinking about cheaters and cheating. In 2005 what constitutes cheating has a lot of room for interpretation, what would be cheating to one may not be cheating to another. The whole situation with my cousin got me to take a look at my own life and I started thinking about what I would consider cheating. Every guy I have ever loved has cheated on me with the exception of one. And by cheating I mean, had sex with a member of the opposite sex while we were in a monogomous relationship and lied to me about it. The only boyfriend that didn't cheat on me was the most honest relationship I ever had. I felt comfortable in telling him anything without feeling silly or stupid. We had the agreement that if either one of us ever wanted to be with someone else sexually we would let the other know and discuss it at that time. That time never came however because we eventually grew apart and started dating other people. That was also the easiest breakup I've ever had with the least amount of heartache.
So, with technology being what it is and finding my cousin scoping chicks online I began to think about what I would be able to tolerate in a relationship.
First and foremost I should say that these comments would only apply to a monogomous relationship. I assume that when a guy tells me I'm his girlfriend that his intentions are monogomy. I also assume that until we get to that point we are both free to see other people, however if we are having sex I think we owe it to each other (in the spirit of safe sex) to be upfront if we are having sex with other people as well.
Obviously, having sex with a member of the opposite sex is cheating. Any sexual contact is cheating to me, this includes penetration, oral sex, hand jobs, fondling, and serious making out. Pretty much all unforgivable in my book.
Sex with a member of the same sex is where it gets gray for me. I'm not sure how I would feel about this as this has never happened to me.
Bringing another woman into my bedroom would depend on the relationship. At the very least there could be contact between her and my man. I am waaaay to jealous for that to occur in front of me. Then again, maybe if I was in a relationship where I completely and whole heartedly trusted my man I would be ok with it.
Cybersex/phone sex, again another gray area. I've heard this type of thing called an "emotional affair". I also know of some people that have left their spouses for an online lover. This would be a touchy subject with me as well. I think if I were told about it and we talked about it and I felt secure enough in my relationship I might be ok with it under the right circumstances. Online flirting and sexual innuendo would also fall under this catagory. While a lot less intense, this might still bother me a little but I would be willing to overlook it.
An innocent kiss, in person flirting, and the occasionally off the cuff remark could all be overlooked as well given the situation and the level of trust I have in my man.
And therein lies the rub, it's all about honesty, trust, and communication. If you don't have any of those things maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship to being with. And that's the part I don't get. Why do people cheat? I have never cheated on anyone. When I am with someone, I am 100% loyal. If I even entertain a thought about being with someone else I take a long hard look at me relationship and if necessay end it right then and there. So why risk losing someone you love over a meaningless fling, especially if you are married? I don't understand that part.
So dear readers, please enlighten me. What do you consider cheating? Have you ever cheated? Why do people cheat? And is/was there anything your significant other could have done/did to prevent the cheating from happening?
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
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5 comments:
in my opinion, cheating has no gray area. It is about respect. Respect for your partner and respect for the relationship. Ask yourself "would this action hurt the person I care about?...would it hurt me if the tables were turned?" I don't secretly flirt. I think that is what people do when they are looking for the BBD, and it would devastate me to find out if donny ever flirted with a woman out of my view. Silly comments amongst friends, compliments about my GFs nice butt...those things I could handle. But if someone told me Donny was emailing girls and speaking the way your cousin was with you, I would end him. I would consider that cheating. You cheat with your heart and your mind, not just your body.
Deblyn - Thanks for your amazing honesty. I too, have my insecure moments even when I'm with someone. I think it comes from the disconnected feeling that can happen between lovers. That's why it's important for me, for my partner to always let me know how he feels about me, even if it's just to say I look pretty that day. It makes me more secure, less jealous, and less apt to search out someone on the outside to tell me. It is always nice to know that someone finds you desirable and attractive.
I hope that you and your husband can find your spark again. I have lots of guy friends so I see no problem with having friends of the opposite sex at all. It sounds like you are trying to find someone to talk to outside the marriage and that could be the solution you both need, IMHO.
Deb, I do not think any less of you. In fact, I really respect the fact that you truly opened up here. Thank you for that. (((hugs)))
Diva, I think if you are seperated that pretty much gives you the freedom to be dating, unless you are still working on the marriage.
I would say, Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater but everyone desreves a second chance.
Wrong spelling, sorry. That would be a "deserves".
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