So with all this talk about Michael Vick coming back to play for the NFL and the many varied reactions I felt I needed to say my piece too. Because after all, when do I ever not have an opinion about something.
I feel that we should hold professional athletes and celebrities to a different standard. They have chosen professions that place them in the public eye and therefore have a certain responsibility to the public that idolizes them (especially children). I am not saying that because you are a celebrity that you have to be a perfect angel that never makes mistakes. However, when mistakes are made you should take responsibility for them and make amends. If you are making millions a year there is absolutely no reason to get a DUI. You have more then enough money to call a cab to get yourself home. And this bullshit of serving less then a day in jail is ridiculous. This is not how "real" people are punished for the very same offenses. All this does is tell our children that even when you break the law and put other people's lives at risk it's no big deal because you'll just have to sit in "time-out" and make a public service announcement.
Professional athletes and celebrities are being paid millions of dollars to "play" at their job. I am not saying there isn't stress and hard work associated with it. At the end of the day though, they are lucky to be able to do what they love and get paid for it. I think if you are a professional athlete that commits a violent offense against human or animal you should lose your job permanently. There is no excusing this behavior. Would we allow someone that beats his wife or murders innocent animals for sport teach our children? Would you let a drug-addicted drunk babysit your child? Hell no. So why should we allow these same types of people to be role models for our children? Why should they continue to be able to "play" a game for more money then most of us will see in a lifetime?
Winston Churchill said, "The price of greatness is responsibility."
The Dalai Lama teaches, "Today, more than ever before, life must be characterized by a sense of Universal responsibility, not only nation to nation and human to human, but also human to other forms of life."
Hell, even Spiderman said, "...with great power comes great responsibility."
Is it really asking too much for these athletes, celebrities, and the society that idolizes them to hold themselves accountable for their negative actions? We as a society need to step up and say no more. We need to stop feeding into the madness. If we stop letting them get away with it, things will change. You may feel as if your small stand won't make a difference in the big picture, but it does. One less ticket purchased, one less jersey worn, one less game watched on television, it all adds up as those one become many. Maybe then the point will be made.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Oops!
So here we are, my guy and I, together only 6 months and expecting a baby. OOPS!
Ironically, our little one is due almost exactly a year to the day we met on POF.
I am excited, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed, happy, and curious all at the same time. I am about to start this massive journey without a clue as to what I'm doing. I feel like I have so much to do and so little time to figure it all out.
If you'd like to keep up with the pregnancy news, send me an email and I'll send you the link for our baby blog.
More updates on life in general soon...
Ironically, our little one is due almost exactly a year to the day we met on POF.
I am excited, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed, happy, and curious all at the same time. I am about to start this massive journey without a clue as to what I'm doing. I feel like I have so much to do and so little time to figure it all out.
If you'd like to keep up with the pregnancy news, send me an email and I'll send you the link for our baby blog.
More updates on life in general soon...
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Things I would tell you if we were still friends
I met this really great guy and I am finally getting everything I wanted and more. He makes me smile every day, even when he's being a pain in my ass.
Not only did the 32 year-old virgin finally have sex, she is getting married this fall!
I totally wanted to get you that shirtless Mormon calendar for your birthday. I know how you always talked about corrupting one.
I hope you are healthy and back in tip-top shape.
I do miss talking to you sometimes. I wish things would have gone differently between us. So much has happened and is happening in my life that I have wanted to share with you. I will find myself starting to call you and then remembering that you don't want to hear from me.
I know you are reading here. At first that bothered me because I thought that if you didn't want to be my friend, why would you care what I was doing. Now it just seems normal. Maybe one day you'll reach out, maybe one day I will.
I never intended to not speak to each other again. I just needed a break. Your actions made me feel like I was wrong about everything. I could do nothing right for you. For some reason we had stopped communicating with each other and started talking at each other. It just wasn't healthy for either one of us. I knew that you had support with new friends and would be OK if I stepped back and let you move forward.
I hope that life is treating you well and you are happy.
Not only did the 32 year-old virgin finally have sex, she is getting married this fall!
I totally wanted to get you that shirtless Mormon calendar for your birthday. I know how you always talked about corrupting one.
M took a plea deal and plead guilty to Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor. No having to register as a sex offender and he will just have a couple years of probation. He says he is moving back to FL as soon as he is eligible to have his probation transferred. His latest thing is being "sick" and having to adhere to all these "horrible" rules of probation.
I hope you are healthy and back in tip-top shape.
I do miss talking to you sometimes. I wish things would have gone differently between us. So much has happened and is happening in my life that I have wanted to share with you. I will find myself starting to call you and then remembering that you don't want to hear from me.
I know you are reading here. At first that bothered me because I thought that if you didn't want to be my friend, why would you care what I was doing. Now it just seems normal. Maybe one day you'll reach out, maybe one day I will.
I never intended to not speak to each other again. I just needed a break. Your actions made me feel like I was wrong about everything. I could do nothing right for you. For some reason we had stopped communicating with each other and started talking at each other. It just wasn't healthy for either one of us. I knew that you had support with new friends and would be OK if I stepped back and let you move forward.
I hope that life is treating you well and you are happy.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Big City Livin'
When you live in a large city you never really know what you'll encounter. It's one of the reasons that I love living in the city (although technically I live in a suburb).
I was driving to lunch today and passed a horse drawn covered wagon pulling another covered wagon behind it. This was pretty odd to see on a busy boulevard in the middle of the day. It reminded me of the time I was smack in the middle of the barrio and saw a cowboy riding a horse with his dog in his lap trotting down the sidewalk while cars sped by.
Then at the little deli I stopped at to pick up lunch I met this fabulous drag queen. He had the cutest wallet and we shared some fashion tips while waiting for our sandwiches.
After that I went home to my guys. In front of my house was a big rig with suicide doors, my 1955 Ford Fairlane, parked halfway in the garage was my pooh bear's 1966 F-100 we've affectionately nicknamed "Mater", and inside of the garage sits my guy's 1964 F-100 in various stages of rebuild. This in addition to the 79 Camero, 58 Chevy truck, and 2005 F-250 in the backyard.
If you had told me six months ago that I would have a day like this I would have said you were crazy. Now, I can't imagine life any different.
I was driving to lunch today and passed a horse drawn covered wagon pulling another covered wagon behind it. This was pretty odd to see on a busy boulevard in the middle of the day. It reminded me of the time I was smack in the middle of the barrio and saw a cowboy riding a horse with his dog in his lap trotting down the sidewalk while cars sped by.
Then at the little deli I stopped at to pick up lunch I met this fabulous drag queen. He had the cutest wallet and we shared some fashion tips while waiting for our sandwiches.
After that I went home to my guys. In front of my house was a big rig with suicide doors, my 1955 Ford Fairlane, parked halfway in the garage was my pooh bear's 1966 F-100 we've affectionately nicknamed "Mater", and inside of the garage sits my guy's 1964 F-100 in various stages of rebuild. This in addition to the 79 Camero, 58 Chevy truck, and 2005 F-250 in the backyard.
If you had told me six months ago that I would have a day like this I would have said you were crazy. Now, I can't imagine life any different.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Back To My Roots
When I began writing here I was at the beginning of what was supposed to be an exploration of sexuality, sensuality, and self-discovery. Somehow during that time I found myself in a relationship where my only intent in pursuing it was to be able to explore those desires. Instead, I found myself in a relationship that was all talk and no action. Since that time I hadn't found that person that I wanted to explore with, until now.
D and I have been dating since January and living together for the last few months. He is relentless in trying to get me to communicate my feelings. He will not give something up until he gets an answer. At the moment I find this to be not only frustrating, but irritating at the same time. Once I speak my mind though I feel better for having done so as it just brings us that much closer. I recently had a revelation about why it's so hard for me to talk about how I feel and what I want: it's because for my entire life, no one has listened to me. I could tell my family how I felt until I was blue in the face and no one took me seriously or made any changes. So eventually I just gave up expressing myself. Other then the anonymity of this blog, there have been very few people in my life that I felt like I could talk to and be not only listened to, but understood. By D forcing me to go outside the lines I've drawn around myself he is opening me up to new experiences. I feel like I've finally found that person that I can explore life with.
So because of that it's time to get back to my roots with this blog. It's time to start talking about life, love, sex and everything in between. It's time to open my mind and experience whatever it is life has to offer. It's time to just enjoy the ride...
D and I have been dating since January and living together for the last few months. He is relentless in trying to get me to communicate my feelings. He will not give something up until he gets an answer. At the moment I find this to be not only frustrating, but irritating at the same time. Once I speak my mind though I feel better for having done so as it just brings us that much closer. I recently had a revelation about why it's so hard for me to talk about how I feel and what I want: it's because for my entire life, no one has listened to me. I could tell my family how I felt until I was blue in the face and no one took me seriously or made any changes. So eventually I just gave up expressing myself. Other then the anonymity of this blog, there have been very few people in my life that I felt like I could talk to and be not only listened to, but understood. By D forcing me to go outside the lines I've drawn around myself he is opening me up to new experiences. I feel like I've finally found that person that I can explore life with.
So because of that it's time to get back to my roots with this blog. It's time to start talking about life, love, sex and everything in between. It's time to open my mind and experience whatever it is life has to offer. It's time to just enjoy the ride...
Monday, February 16, 2009
Sweet and sour
Life has been great recently in some ways and in other ways it has been awful.
What's great? The man is wonderful, more about him in a later post. Work is good. Finances are on track for once. The house has come together.
What's bad? I've got some health issues as of late. The good news is that they are working on getting things back to normal, so hopefully I will be straightened out soon. I need to find a way to tell my dad to back off and let me live my life my way. The time for his loving interference needs to come to an end. I need to stand on my own two feet and he needs to let someone else be the man in my life now.
So there's a quick update from my world. More later. I promise.
What's great? The man is wonderful, more about him in a later post. Work is good. Finances are on track for once. The house has come together.
What's bad? I've got some health issues as of late. The good news is that they are working on getting things back to normal, so hopefully I will be straightened out soon. I need to find a way to tell my dad to back off and let me live my life my way. The time for his loving interference needs to come to an end. I need to stand on my own two feet and he needs to let someone else be the man in my life now.
So there's a quick update from my world. More later. I promise.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
We Need To Talk
The four most dreaded words in the English language. Those four words never seem to be followed by anything positive. Why is that exactly? Why do we allow things to get that far gone before we feel the need to say those four words? Whatever we are feeling builds and builds until finally we can no longer take things as they are and we say those four feared words. Once they are said it immediately fills the other person with a sense of dread, apprehension, defensiveness, and reluctance. They know they are about to be hit with something heavy that requires them to feel something about the situation at hand and just maybe they aren't ready to confront it.
I feel like I am stuck circling those four words. I need to have a conversation with someone. I need to clarify things for my own peace of mind. I need reassurance and reciprocity. The only problem with this is that I am terrified to do so. I am afraid of hearing the opposite of what I want. I am afraid of being let down and let go. I am afraid I've been reading too much into the good and not enough into the bad. So in my fear, I let things continue as they are, and thus, continue to feel out of control and unsure. As I sit next to him, the beginning of that much needed conversation resides on my lips like gloss waiting to be kissed off on another. The butterflies in my stomach fluttering about so hard I am afraid he can hear them while I attempt to work up the nerve for those words to leave my mouth.
So while I live in this constant state of question I am also attempting to not become attached so that if I do ever get the nerve up to say what I need to say and I don't hear what I want to hear that my heart will only crack and not break. This too feels impossible. I've always been one to give of myself completely and without question. Unfortunately, this normally leads to being taken for granted and when no longer needed, discarded for the next best thing. I no longer want to be the waiting-room-girl, that placeholder that keeps him satisfied until he decides that there is someone or something better out there. So while I am avoiding that conversation, and he is living in the moment (I think), I am still out there making sure he is the best choice for me. So maybe in all that the conversation will become unnecessary in one way or another. Maybe I'll find a way to get the nerve to say those four words, whatever they end up being.
I feel like I am stuck circling those four words. I need to have a conversation with someone. I need to clarify things for my own peace of mind. I need reassurance and reciprocity. The only problem with this is that I am terrified to do so. I am afraid of hearing the opposite of what I want. I am afraid of being let down and let go. I am afraid I've been reading too much into the good and not enough into the bad. So in my fear, I let things continue as they are, and thus, continue to feel out of control and unsure. As I sit next to him, the beginning of that much needed conversation resides on my lips like gloss waiting to be kissed off on another. The butterflies in my stomach fluttering about so hard I am afraid he can hear them while I attempt to work up the nerve for those words to leave my mouth.
So while I live in this constant state of question I am also attempting to not become attached so that if I do ever get the nerve up to say what I need to say and I don't hear what I want to hear that my heart will only crack and not break. This too feels impossible. I've always been one to give of myself completely and without question. Unfortunately, this normally leads to being taken for granted and when no longer needed, discarded for the next best thing. I no longer want to be the waiting-room-girl, that placeholder that keeps him satisfied until he decides that there is someone or something better out there. So while I am avoiding that conversation, and he is living in the moment (I think), I am still out there making sure he is the best choice for me. So maybe in all that the conversation will become unnecessary in one way or another. Maybe I'll find a way to get the nerve to say those four words, whatever they end up being.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
This Is Nucking Futs
Officials Wednesday announced a peanut butter recall due to the possibility of salmonella contamination now affects our state.
The Peanut Corporation is voluntarily recalling peanut butter produced in its Blakely, Georgia facility. However, none of the peanut butter was sold directly to consumers through retail stores. Instead it's usually sent in bulk for to certain institutions.
It's usually under the labels "King Nut" and "Parnell's Pride."
Ok, really? King Nut? Seriously? Who would eat that? I find that name to be extraordinarily funny. Maybe it's that juvenile sense of humor, but I just seriously laughed til I cried after reading this.
The Peanut Corporation is voluntarily recalling peanut butter produced in its Blakely, Georgia facility. However, none of the peanut butter was sold directly to consumers through retail stores. Instead it's usually sent in bulk for to certain institutions.
It's usually under the labels "King Nut" and "Parnell's Pride."
Ok, really? King Nut? Seriously? Who would eat that? I find that name to be extraordinarily funny. Maybe it's that juvenile sense of humor, but I just seriously laughed til I cried after reading this.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The perfect example of why men and women don't communicate well
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "
I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells,'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time........
No one moves..................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps....................
He whispers...............
"Iron this...then get me a beer."
I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells,'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time........
No one moves..................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps....................
He whispers...............
"Iron this...then get me a beer."
Monday, December 22, 2008
Back in the pool
The Internet dating pool that is. I've been single for over two years now and I am quite tired of taking out my own trash.
Really though, I love my friends and hanging out with them. It just really sucks to always be the third wheel at everything, attend parties solo, etc. I am just a bit lonely for that special someone. It's hard to be single in a world of pairs.
So I'm trying out plenty of fish. It's free and seems to be a step up from craigslist. I'm already emailing with a guy and I just signed up a couple hours ago.
He just asked me if I have a spam. What's that? Like meat in a can? No, I don't eat that. Like those random emails telling me to buy Viagra? Yeah, I get those. Seriously, what is that about?
Really though, I love my friends and hanging out with them. It just really sucks to always be the third wheel at everything, attend parties solo, etc. I am just a bit lonely for that special someone. It's hard to be single in a world of pairs.
So I'm trying out plenty of fish. It's free and seems to be a step up from craigslist. I'm already emailing with a guy and I just signed up a couple hours ago.
He just asked me if I have a spam. What's that? Like meat in a can? No, I don't eat that. Like those random emails telling me to buy Viagra? Yeah, I get those. Seriously, what is that about?
Friday, December 19, 2008
People make me sick
So Caylee Anthony has finally been found. Unfortunately, this was not the way the world had hoped. I can only hope she didn't suffer. This woman who gave birth to Caylee has been lying for MONTHS. Did she really think she wouldn't get caught? They had enough to charge her with murder without finding Caylee. Her tower of lies crumbled long ago and the hole she was digging herself in got deeper and deeper.
I will never understand why people feel the need to harm children. There are so many women in this world that would love to have a healthy child of their own and there are many more that would lovingly adopt children. In this world of choice, there is absolutely no excuse for this. Got pregnant and don't want the baby? Get an abortion. Don't think abortion is the answer? Put the baby up for adoption. Don't want to give the baby away? Then GROW THE FUCK UP AND BE A PARENT. This means no more partying every night, no constant stream of men at your house, keeping your child safe, and being a loving and concerned parent. There are too many kids in this world getting abused, neglected, and killed. It seems so unjust that children are forced to live such horrendous lives at the hands of adults. It is situations like this that make me question the "higher power". I will never understand the necessity of this type of evil in the world.
I will never understand why people feel the need to harm children. There are so many women in this world that would love to have a healthy child of their own and there are many more that would lovingly adopt children. In this world of choice, there is absolutely no excuse for this. Got pregnant and don't want the baby? Get an abortion. Don't think abortion is the answer? Put the baby up for adoption. Don't want to give the baby away? Then GROW THE FUCK UP AND BE A PARENT. This means no more partying every night, no constant stream of men at your house, keeping your child safe, and being a loving and concerned parent. There are too many kids in this world getting abused, neglected, and killed. It seems so unjust that children are forced to live such horrendous lives at the hands of adults. It is situations like this that make me question the "higher power". I will never understand the necessity of this type of evil in the world.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I'm sorry I didn't realize it til it was too late
I'm sorry that I bought you roses to tell you that I like you.
I'm sorry that I was raised with respect not to sleep with you when you were drunk.
I'm sorry that my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants.
I'm sorry that I open your car door, and pull out your chair like I was raised.
I'm sorry that I'm not cute enough to be "your guy".
I'm sorry that I am actually nice; not a jerk.
I'm sorry I don't have a huge bank account to buy you expensive things.
I'm sorry I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you, instead of at a club.
I'm sorry I would rather make love to you then just screw you like some random guy.
I'm sorry that I am always the one you need to talk to, but never good enough to date.
I'm sorry that I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car, but when we went out you went home with another guy.
I'm sorry that I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend.
I'm sorry if I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around.
I'm sorry if I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work.
I'm sorry that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.
I'm sorry if you read this and know somebody like this but don't care.
But most of all I'm sorry for not being sorry anymore.
I'm sorry that you can't accept me for who I am.
I'm sorry I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world.
I'm sorry I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for.
I'm sorry that I told you I loved you and actually meant it.
I'm Sorry that I cared .
~ Author unknown
This could have very well been written by you. I'm sorry that I treated you so badly and took you for granted. I miss our friendship and can't help but think that you may have been the "one" and I let you slip out of my life. I'm sorry that I never told you how much you mean to me and what an important person you are in my life. You got me through all the bad times when no one else was there. Most of all, I am sorry that I am too scared of a good guy that I can't bring myself to be with you once and for all. Love, me.
I'm sorry that I was raised with respect not to sleep with you when you were drunk.
I'm sorry that my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants.
I'm sorry that I open your car door, and pull out your chair like I was raised.
I'm sorry that I'm not cute enough to be "your guy".
I'm sorry that I am actually nice; not a jerk.
I'm sorry I don't have a huge bank account to buy you expensive things.
I'm sorry I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you, instead of at a club.
I'm sorry I would rather make love to you then just screw you like some random guy.
I'm sorry that I am always the one you need to talk to, but never good enough to date.
I'm sorry that I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car, but when we went out you went home with another guy.
I'm sorry that I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend.
I'm sorry if I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around.
I'm sorry if I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work.
I'm sorry that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.
I'm sorry if you read this and know somebody like this but don't care.
But most of all I'm sorry for not being sorry anymore.
I'm sorry that you can't accept me for who I am.
I'm sorry I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world.
I'm sorry I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for.
I'm sorry that I told you I loved you and actually meant it.
I'm Sorry that I cared .
~ Author unknown
This could have very well been written by you. I'm sorry that I treated you so badly and took you for granted. I miss our friendship and can't help but think that you may have been the "one" and I let you slip out of my life. I'm sorry that I never told you how much you mean to me and what an important person you are in my life. You got me through all the bad times when no one else was there. Most of all, I am sorry that I am too scared of a good guy that I can't bring myself to be with you once and for all. Love, me.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Jobs
I found this post on craigslist today. While I agree with parts of it (in fact if I could have made a list of all things I want from a man this would include most of it), there were some things that I thought to be a bit unrealistic. My comments to his are in bold. I've deleted the repetitive and extraneous.
So here is my job...and your job: I know my job and I own up to it, I learned the hard way - but I own up to it now. My job is to be decisive when you say "what do you want to do tonight?" My job is NOT to say, "I dunno, what do you want to do?" It is my job to say, "I would like to [verb here] to [insert place] and [activity here]. Yet, I must also know when you have your own idea and actually want me to say, "I don't know, what about you?" How should I know? That's my job as a man. I must know. I do know. This is great, except no one is a mind reader. I'm too indecisive and really don't mind someone else making the plans. If there is something I really want to do, I'll let you know. I would never expect you to psychically link to me and figure it out.
My job is to pay for dinner even if you say you want to pay half. My job is to be ambitious in my career and make enough money that if we live together and your career takes a turn for the worse - I would have the money to afford to keep you fed and healthy AND SEXY (we will talk about you being SEXY below). Thank you! Is it wrong of me to expect for the man to be the major breadwinner? I don't mind working, but if we have kids I would like the opportunity to be able to raise them and not have to juggle a full-time job as well.
My job is make you feel safe with me. If I have to act like a psycho killer once in a while when someone is being threatening around you and endangering your well being, even if it means I might end up in jail for the night (when I break his arm and jaw for trying to rape you), I do it. Yet I need to know when to be cool and aloof most of the time when you are just engaged in friendly flirting. I have to NOT feel threatened when guys stare at you, not be jealous when they flirt, not be insecure when you flirt back, just relax and enjoy your happiness. Hopefully it will never get that far and my sharp tongue will scare him off, but I know what I am supposed to do if it does get that far. I want to feel safe with my man always. This means he has to be capable of defending my honor. Not that he is some knucklehead always looking for a fight. I was at a party once with an ex, and a guy that had been interested in me (he was extremely drunk at the time) leaned into me while we were chatting and kissed my neck. I immediately let him know how inappropriate that was and as I turned to leave I noticed my ex staring at us from across the room. I went over to him and he started into the typical "I'm going to beat his ass, yadda yadda". I literally asked him to sit down and shut up before he got himself hurt. While I appreciated the sentiment this was not a guy that could fight his way out of a paper bag. So had this been a complete stranger that I needed protection from, I don't think he would have been capable.
My job is to intuit, using my sexual psychic powers, when you need to be objectified and fucked like an animal (yet still ensuring your orgasm) or spanked or hair pulled, or more, and when you need gentle love like what you saw in that romantic movie you watched. I need to also magically know when you want it quick and urgent and when you want it to take all night. And when you scream the very painful words "fuck me harder," even whilst I am fucking as hard as I can and running out of breath, it is my job to find a way to do it harder. Yes, it is tough, but it is my job, I accept it. I have to figure all this out without anything but your body language and your subtle female hints. Yes, please with seconds afterwards.
It is also my job to make you feel comfortable to express yourself to me, to listen, to show you I care (without ever caring too much). I have to care for you and show love without ever making you feel that I am more sensitive than you, more emotional, more emotionally intelligent, sweeter or more romantic. If I cross those lines, you will run from me and say I am too nice - or just not feel complete because I am walking in your territory as a woman. And when you get into a car accident, and the guy you hit is yelling at you and you call me on the cell phone, I need to be able to drop what I am doing and effectively manage whatever tragedy has occurred. Sure, you can do it yourself. I am just saying that when tragedy goes down, and [if] you are in need of help, I need to take care of it. The relationship requires that I be able to stay calm and solve problems when you can't. As terribly cliche as it sounds, every girl likes to be rescued once in awhile. There are times I would love not to have to handle a crisis and be able to let my man take the reigns. I've been doing it on my own for a long time, it would be nice to have someone to share the burdens and the sorrows of life with. I would do the same for him as well.
Your first job is to be SEXY. It is your job to discover your own natural sexiness, manifest it, AND your job to figure out what I think is sexy. How do you normally attract men? If you think it is by wearing your thong above your jeans so that everyone can see it - then you are a moron. If you think it is getting wasted at some club and making out with your best girl-friend while guys cheer - you are an idiot. I have met you already, you bore me. I think you need to pull your pants up, drink less, bathe more and try to be more original than the Girls Gone Wild video that your former boyfriends got boners watching. I am not saying you have to dress up, I am only saying you need to figure out where/what and how to create your sexiness and make sure I agree with it. Eat right, wear sexy underwear. I want to love the sexy girl who will occasionally be ugly. Not the girl with no taste who once in a while gets lucky and looks nice. And you need to be able to figure out when not to be sexy, like: when meeting my perverted father, when I am sick in a hospital bed, incapacitated and unable to move, but only able to see that some male interns and you are talking about my condition. I have no issue with looking good, within reason. No woman is a doll. This means that a man should love me whether I am in make-up or not, fat or thin, or wear sexy underwear everyday. Sexy is not always comfortable. True beauty radiates from within and shines through. If we're happy and in love, believe me when I say that every man in the room will turn his head when I walk in and every woman will wish she was on your arm. It won't matter what kind of underwear I have on. I do appreciate that sexy does not equal trashy, it's nice to hear.
It is your job to nurture. If I am down and not feeling so great, you need to be building me back up. You need to be reading self-help books once in a while and see to it that we are both emotionally balanced. You need to make sure that we both communicate what is bothering us and all that stuff that you women want us to talk about in relationships. I need that. No one is responsible for anyone else's emotional health. I'm happy to nurture, it's who I am. I am willing to communicate my feelings. I am not able to "fix" your mental status, that is on you.
Your job is to find it in yourself to want to do things that the last 3 decades told you were not women's work. You know - the huge double standard - how you were taught that it isn't your job to do anything that your dad expected your mom to do, yet you still expect me to open doors for you, fuck you like the world is ending, be strong, buy you nice things when I can, make money, jump in front of a bullet for you, provide security for you, take initiative and make you feel safe. Personally, I like to cook and clean, do my own laundry and wash dishes and I am not asking you to do ANYTHING for me. But if I need help in that area - you better put on an apron and cook some food, or make the bed, or offer to make sandwiches on rare occasions when my friends are over, or do some laundry or fold something, sweep - whatever because you WANT to do it. This is part of nurturing. I do hold value in a more traditional role of husband and wife. However, if I am working and you are not, the house better be clean and dinner better be ready when I get home.
Your job is to be in charge of our morality. If we are at a dinner party and I say something a little mean to someone and you notice it. It is your job to pull me aside and say, "that was wrong - you go and apologize because you hurt that persons feelings." I won't like it - but I will obey. You are doing your job and I respect it. I will somehow find a way to go apologize. Again, no one can "make" some moral. I'll tell you when I think you're wrong, you fix it. And if you are being an asshole all day every day, we won't last long. I can be as sweet as sugar, but if you are as sour as a lemon it won't work and people will feel sorry for me.
If you are interested in your job as I am interested in mine - then please write me. Maybe we can negotiate something. Until I hear from you, I will be here earning and saving money for our future security as well as the gifts and the underwear I will be buying you. I am open to discussing the terms if some of your job is not agreeable to you. Please state your height/weight/hair/age and send a photo of more than just your face. I won't be responding to him directly. I am not interested in doing these things because it is expected of me and my "job". I do it because I want to. I do it because I would love him that much. I also get the feeling that no woman would ever meet his high standards. It's impossible. Sure, we all have our perfect world scenarios, but in the end we have to find love based on who the person is inside. Not how they look, not how much money they make, and certainly not on what they think their "job" is.
So here is my job...and your job: I know my job and I own up to it, I learned the hard way - but I own up to it now. My job is to be decisive when you say "what do you want to do tonight?" My job is NOT to say, "I dunno, what do you want to do?" It is my job to say, "I would like to [verb here] to [insert place] and [activity here]. Yet, I must also know when you have your own idea and actually want me to say, "I don't know, what about you?" How should I know? That's my job as a man. I must know. I do know. This is great, except no one is a mind reader. I'm too indecisive and really don't mind someone else making the plans. If there is something I really want to do, I'll let you know. I would never expect you to psychically link to me and figure it out.
My job is to pay for dinner even if you say you want to pay half. My job is to be ambitious in my career and make enough money that if we live together and your career takes a turn for the worse - I would have the money to afford to keep you fed and healthy AND SEXY (we will talk about you being SEXY below). Thank you! Is it wrong of me to expect for the man to be the major breadwinner? I don't mind working, but if we have kids I would like the opportunity to be able to raise them and not have to juggle a full-time job as well.
My job is make you feel safe with me. If I have to act like a psycho killer once in a while when someone is being threatening around you and endangering your well being, even if it means I might end up in jail for the night (when I break his arm and jaw for trying to rape you), I do it. Yet I need to know when to be cool and aloof most of the time when you are just engaged in friendly flirting. I have to NOT feel threatened when guys stare at you, not be jealous when they flirt, not be insecure when you flirt back, just relax and enjoy your happiness. Hopefully it will never get that far and my sharp tongue will scare him off, but I know what I am supposed to do if it does get that far. I want to feel safe with my man always. This means he has to be capable of defending my honor. Not that he is some knucklehead always looking for a fight. I was at a party once with an ex, and a guy that had been interested in me (he was extremely drunk at the time) leaned into me while we were chatting and kissed my neck. I immediately let him know how inappropriate that was and as I turned to leave I noticed my ex staring at us from across the room. I went over to him and he started into the typical "I'm going to beat his ass, yadda yadda". I literally asked him to sit down and shut up before he got himself hurt. While I appreciated the sentiment this was not a guy that could fight his way out of a paper bag. So had this been a complete stranger that I needed protection from, I don't think he would have been capable.
My job is to intuit, using my sexual psychic powers, when you need to be objectified and fucked like an animal (yet still ensuring your orgasm) or spanked or hair pulled, or more, and when you need gentle love like what you saw in that romantic movie you watched. I need to also magically know when you want it quick and urgent and when you want it to take all night. And when you scream the very painful words "fuck me harder," even whilst I am fucking as hard as I can and running out of breath, it is my job to find a way to do it harder. Yes, it is tough, but it is my job, I accept it. I have to figure all this out without anything but your body language and your subtle female hints. Yes, please with seconds afterwards.
It is also my job to make you feel comfortable to express yourself to me, to listen, to show you I care (without ever caring too much). I have to care for you and show love without ever making you feel that I am more sensitive than you, more emotional, more emotionally intelligent, sweeter or more romantic. If I cross those lines, you will run from me and say I am too nice - or just not feel complete because I am walking in your territory as a woman. And when you get into a car accident, and the guy you hit is yelling at you and you call me on the cell phone, I need to be able to drop what I am doing and effectively manage whatever tragedy has occurred. Sure, you can do it yourself. I am just saying that when tragedy goes down, and [if] you are in need of help, I need to take care of it. The relationship requires that I be able to stay calm and solve problems when you can't. As terribly cliche as it sounds, every girl likes to be rescued once in awhile. There are times I would love not to have to handle a crisis and be able to let my man take the reigns. I've been doing it on my own for a long time, it would be nice to have someone to share the burdens and the sorrows of life with. I would do the same for him as well.
Your first job is to be SEXY. It is your job to discover your own natural sexiness, manifest it, AND your job to figure out what I think is sexy. How do you normally attract men? If you think it is by wearing your thong above your jeans so that everyone can see it - then you are a moron. If you think it is getting wasted at some club and making out with your best girl-friend while guys cheer - you are an idiot. I have met you already, you bore me. I think you need to pull your pants up, drink less, bathe more and try to be more original than the Girls Gone Wild video that your former boyfriends got boners watching. I am not saying you have to dress up, I am only saying you need to figure out where/what and how to create your sexiness and make sure I agree with it. Eat right, wear sexy underwear. I want to love the sexy girl who will occasionally be ugly. Not the girl with no taste who once in a while gets lucky and looks nice. And you need to be able to figure out when not to be sexy, like: when meeting my perverted father, when I am sick in a hospital bed, incapacitated and unable to move, but only able to see that some male interns and you are talking about my condition. I have no issue with looking good, within reason. No woman is a doll. This means that a man should love me whether I am in make-up or not, fat or thin, or wear sexy underwear everyday. Sexy is not always comfortable. True beauty radiates from within and shines through. If we're happy and in love, believe me when I say that every man in the room will turn his head when I walk in and every woman will wish she was on your arm. It won't matter what kind of underwear I have on. I do appreciate that sexy does not equal trashy, it's nice to hear.
It is your job to nurture. If I am down and not feeling so great, you need to be building me back up. You need to be reading self-help books once in a while and see to it that we are both emotionally balanced. You need to make sure that we both communicate what is bothering us and all that stuff that you women want us to talk about in relationships. I need that. No one is responsible for anyone else's emotional health. I'm happy to nurture, it's who I am. I am willing to communicate my feelings. I am not able to "fix" your mental status, that is on you.
Your job is to find it in yourself to want to do things that the last 3 decades told you were not women's work. You know - the huge double standard - how you were taught that it isn't your job to do anything that your dad expected your mom to do, yet you still expect me to open doors for you, fuck you like the world is ending, be strong, buy you nice things when I can, make money, jump in front of a bullet for you, provide security for you, take initiative and make you feel safe. Personally, I like to cook and clean, do my own laundry and wash dishes and I am not asking you to do ANYTHING for me. But if I need help in that area - you better put on an apron and cook some food, or make the bed, or offer to make sandwiches on rare occasions when my friends are over, or do some laundry or fold something, sweep - whatever because you WANT to do it. This is part of nurturing. I do hold value in a more traditional role of husband and wife. However, if I am working and you are not, the house better be clean and dinner better be ready when I get home.
Your job is to be in charge of our morality. If we are at a dinner party and I say something a little mean to someone and you notice it. It is your job to pull me aside and say, "that was wrong - you go and apologize because you hurt that persons feelings." I won't like it - but I will obey. You are doing your job and I respect it. I will somehow find a way to go apologize. Again, no one can "make" some moral. I'll tell you when I think you're wrong, you fix it. And if you are being an asshole all day every day, we won't last long. I can be as sweet as sugar, but if you are as sour as a lemon it won't work and people will feel sorry for me.
If you are interested in your job as I am interested in mine - then please write me. Maybe we can negotiate something. Until I hear from you, I will be here earning and saving money for our future security as well as the gifts and the underwear I will be buying you. I am open to discussing the terms if some of your job is not agreeable to you. Please state your height/weight/hair/age and send a photo of more than just your face. I won't be responding to him directly. I am not interested in doing these things because it is expected of me and my "job". I do it because I want to. I do it because I would love him that much. I also get the feeling that no woman would ever meet his high standards. It's impossible. Sure, we all have our perfect world scenarios, but in the end we have to find love based on who the person is inside. Not how they look, not how much money they make, and certainly not on what they think their "job" is.
Monday, December 01, 2008
No Thank You
So even though I am not supposed to be trying to date yet per my therapist I have been scrolling craigslist anyway cause you never know when Mr. Right may show up (and good gawd this sentence is really long). I have seen a guy on there a couple times that seemed like he would be interesting to talk to and he made it a point to mention that he really just wanted to be friends first. Friends should be ok, so I went ahead and emailed him.
He responded that he wasn't too into emailing and gave me his number if I would like to call him. He would understand if I wasn't comfortable with that just yet and said it was also ok to email. i decided to just go ahead and call him. Boy, am I glad I did.
First of all, he started the conversation off by telling me all about his custody battle with his kid who is not really his kid. Then he tells me how his kid is a genius and he is a genius and no one is possibly smarter then they are. His kid's real dad could not possibly give him the intellectual stimulation he could possibly need cause he is just a knuckle-head ex-Marine. In the 30 minutes we spoke he never once asked me anything about me or my life. He proceeded to converse with his kid and remark at how smart he is.
Then he said he really needed to go play Legos (mind you it is about 10pm and little kids should be in bed) with his kid, but hey let's go do lunch tomorrow.
So out of the 10 words I said the last ones I uttered to him were, "No, thank you."
I am really proud of myself for this. In the past I have never turned down a date, even if I wasn't too into it to start with. I have always made excuses about the guy being nervous, giving him a chance, blah blah blah. There has also been a part of me that feels if a guy is willing to give me attention that I should jump at the chance. This is no longer the case. I am learning that I DESERVE MORE. I know in my heart that the right guy will come along at the right time and he will love me for me. He will love me whether I am fat or thin, young or old, smart or stupid, pretty or ugly, rich or poor. So in the meantime, there may be a lot of "no, thank yous" as I wait for Mr. Right to come along.
He responded that he wasn't too into emailing and gave me his number if I would like to call him. He would understand if I wasn't comfortable with that just yet and said it was also ok to email. i decided to just go ahead and call him. Boy, am I glad I did.
First of all, he started the conversation off by telling me all about his custody battle with his kid who is not really his kid. Then he tells me how his kid is a genius and he is a genius and no one is possibly smarter then they are. His kid's real dad could not possibly give him the intellectual stimulation he could possibly need cause he is just a knuckle-head ex-Marine. In the 30 minutes we spoke he never once asked me anything about me or my life. He proceeded to converse with his kid and remark at how smart he is.
Then he said he really needed to go play Legos (mind you it is about 10pm and little kids should be in bed) with his kid, but hey let's go do lunch tomorrow.
So out of the 10 words I said the last ones I uttered to him were, "No, thank you."
I am really proud of myself for this. In the past I have never turned down a date, even if I wasn't too into it to start with. I have always made excuses about the guy being nervous, giving him a chance, blah blah blah. There has also been a part of me that feels if a guy is willing to give me attention that I should jump at the chance. This is no longer the case. I am learning that I DESERVE MORE. I know in my heart that the right guy will come along at the right time and he will love me for me. He will love me whether I am fat or thin, young or old, smart or stupid, pretty or ugly, rich or poor. So in the meantime, there may be a lot of "no, thank yous" as I wait for Mr. Right to come along.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
I did it!
I am a homeowner! I closed on Friday, October 24th. My new home has been under construction since then. I moved in on Friday, October 31st with no working bathroom and a huge list of to-dos. The bathroom will be finished today and I will hopefully be able to unload my worldly possessions out of the trailer by Saturday. It is really hard to function when half your life is parked outside. I go to bed every night absolutely exhausted and wake up ready to do it again the next day. I say a little prayer of gratitude each day for all the people in my life that have been supporting me in this venture from near and far. I don't know what I would have done without them. More updates and photos to come soon.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Decisions, Decisions
So I have been in the process of buying a house for the last 6 months. There have been ups and downs and a few freak-outs, but the day is getting really close. I never once thought in a million years that I would be buying a house on my own. I always thought that I would have to have a husband to do that. Don't get me wrong though, I have always been proud of the fact that I have been supporting myself (with the occasional help from Dad) for the last 9 years. I have always been able to pay my own bills and live without roommates for the most part.
I started out in a small 550 square foot apartment. It was tiny and ugly, but it was my very own. I initially moved into it because my boyfriend at the time (who was 14 years older than me) said that we couldn't get married until I had lived on my own. His rationalization was that he had experienced that part of life and wanted me to experience it as well so that I wouldn't later feel that I had missed out on something. That was one of the greatest gifts he ever gave me.
Ever since then it has been just me and my dog(s). We have lived in 5 different apartments and 2 houses in the last 9 years. Other than my bout of temporary insanity with Cabana boy and the aftermath of being in that house, I have done it on my own. Not very many of my friends can say that. If they lived on their own prior to being married they always had roommates to depend on.
Now comes the hard part. I have to make this huge decision on my own. This is not like something that I'm renting that I can move out of in 6 months or year if I don't like it. This is for at least the next 5 years. The sad part of it is that I have never lived in once place for 5 years straight in my entire life. This is HUGE! I am absolutely terrified. What if I don't like the neighbors? What if something huge goes wrong? What if it's really creepy there at night? What if? What if? What if?
So far I have found one house that I walked into and fell in love. Unfortunately, that house is a short sale (pre-foreclosure) and has multiple offers on it. I am about third in line for it. It could be months before I hear anything and even then I may not get it. So now I am searching for a house that I like (hopefully as much or more) that I would be able to get into within the next few months. The first house I looked at, I liked. It was recently remodeled and needed very little done before I could move in (mainly just a piece of fence along the alley). That house as well was a short sale. It has been on the market almost a year. The listing agent told us that the bank had declined offer after offer. A few weeks ago it was finally foreclosed on and went back to the bank. Well, today it came back on the market. At 20k less than the previous asking price. I put an offer on it. There is a very good chance that a week from now I will have an acceptance. I could be a home owner by mid-October. I am freaking out. I keep second guessing my decisions. I have called my parents, my friends, anyone I can think of to offer some reassurance that I am making the right decision. If only there was some pill I could take that would boost my self-confidence in this decision. So until someone invents that, I am just going to continue sitting here with my leg shaking, chewing my fingernails, and aimlessly trying to distract myself from over-thinking this monumental event. I would love a major distraction right now. Anyone got any ideas?
I started out in a small 550 square foot apartment. It was tiny and ugly, but it was my very own. I initially moved into it because my boyfriend at the time (who was 14 years older than me) said that we couldn't get married until I had lived on my own. His rationalization was that he had experienced that part of life and wanted me to experience it as well so that I wouldn't later feel that I had missed out on something. That was one of the greatest gifts he ever gave me.
Ever since then it has been just me and my dog(s). We have lived in 5 different apartments and 2 houses in the last 9 years. Other than my bout of temporary insanity with Cabana boy and the aftermath of being in that house, I have done it on my own. Not very many of my friends can say that. If they lived on their own prior to being married they always had roommates to depend on.
Now comes the hard part. I have to make this huge decision on my own. This is not like something that I'm renting that I can move out of in 6 months or year if I don't like it. This is for at least the next 5 years. The sad part of it is that I have never lived in once place for 5 years straight in my entire life. This is HUGE! I am absolutely terrified. What if I don't like the neighbors? What if something huge goes wrong? What if it's really creepy there at night? What if? What if? What if?
So far I have found one house that I walked into and fell in love. Unfortunately, that house is a short sale (pre-foreclosure) and has multiple offers on it. I am about third in line for it. It could be months before I hear anything and even then I may not get it. So now I am searching for a house that I like (hopefully as much or more) that I would be able to get into within the next few months. The first house I looked at, I liked. It was recently remodeled and needed very little done before I could move in (mainly just a piece of fence along the alley). That house as well was a short sale. It has been on the market almost a year. The listing agent told us that the bank had declined offer after offer. A few weeks ago it was finally foreclosed on and went back to the bank. Well, today it came back on the market. At 20k less than the previous asking price. I put an offer on it. There is a very good chance that a week from now I will have an acceptance. I could be a home owner by mid-October. I am freaking out. I keep second guessing my decisions. I have called my parents, my friends, anyone I can think of to offer some reassurance that I am making the right decision. If only there was some pill I could take that would boost my self-confidence in this decision. So until someone invents that, I am just going to continue sitting here with my leg shaking, chewing my fingernails, and aimlessly trying to distract myself from over-thinking this monumental event. I would love a major distraction right now. Anyone got any ideas?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
What Women Must Have
A great set of guidelines to remember. I've highlighted what I've got. Now to work on what I haven't...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
one friend who always makes her laugh,
and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates,
wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder,
and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips,
or the nature of her parents...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go,
be it to her best friend's kitchen table,
or a charming Inn in the woods
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish
in a day,
a month,
and a year.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Lessons that need to be learned
I've highlighted the ones I feel are most important. If only all my stalkers, I mean readers, would heed them as well...
Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
Dream more while you are awake.
Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Forgive everyone for everything. <--- Definitely one to live by for a healthier, happier you.
Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
Dream more while you are awake.
Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Forgive everyone for everything. <--- Definitely one to live by for a healthier, happier you.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Anxious
I have been in the midst of an anxiety attack for the last two weeks. I constantly feel as if my skin is crawling, I can't stop moving, can't stop thinking, feel sick to my stomach, and just want to cry at everything. I have been seeing a therapist for the last few months and I think bringing up all this old baggage that I have been avoiding is manifesting itself physically. I talked to her about it last night and she has given me some tips for dealing with my anxiety. It's hard to do relaxation exercises when nothing feels safe anymore. I am looking for a new house, a new job, my dog has gone blind in the last week, and I just feel alone in it all.
It would be nice to have that one person that was willing to drop everything just to hold my hand in this. I have friends, but they all have their own lives and their own issues. I've had to cut some people out of my life lately because they need to much of me and I have nothing left to give. Literally nothing. I don't have the energy to be supportive. How sad is that? It is like I am not myself anymore. My therapist said that things might get worse before they get better. I hope that is where they are. I am forcing myself to leave the house, not only for work, but occasionally to socialize. Although, I don't really have much to say. I am avoiding as many phone calls as I can for the same reason. I just need everything to stop being in limbo. I need to know what is going to happen and when. The only way I can fall asleep at night is to stay up until my eyes won't open anymore and repeat to myself that everything is going to be ok.
So...
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
It would be nice to have that one person that was willing to drop everything just to hold my hand in this. I have friends, but they all have their own lives and their own issues. I've had to cut some people out of my life lately because they need to much of me and I have nothing left to give. Literally nothing. I don't have the energy to be supportive. How sad is that? It is like I am not myself anymore. My therapist said that things might get worse before they get better. I hope that is where they are. I am forcing myself to leave the house, not only for work, but occasionally to socialize. Although, I don't really have much to say. I am avoiding as many phone calls as I can for the same reason. I just need everything to stop being in limbo. I need to know what is going to happen and when. The only way I can fall asleep at night is to stay up until my eyes won't open anymore and repeat to myself that everything is going to be ok.
So...
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
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