Friends and Former Lovers....

Last Friday night I saw the Ex. It started out well and ended quite ugly. It all ended up being a farce just to get me there. He called and told me that he had some money to give me. I'm thinking, "Great!!! I can really use it." I get there to be handed fourteen dollars. Fourteen dollars. Are you fucking kidding me? And then I discovered the real motive behind the meeting. To cause me pain. The whole situation was just a reminder of how much I have changed since we were together. I met him when I was 14 and desperate to be loved. He showed me kindness and passion and I fell for him. Our relationship was always quite tumultuous and heart breaking. After four years of fighting and making up I finally got up enough courage to say enough. Enough hurting me. Enough disappointing me. Enough. Even though we were no longer speaking he was never far from my mind or my heart. With every relationship I compared the love I felt for them to the love I felt for him. It always seemed lacking. In my heart of hearts I was scared that I would never love another as much as I loved him. Finally, after not speaking for 7 years I had to find him. I felt that I would never be able to move on unless I gave myself that chance to see if the spark was still there. We wrote letters. We spoke. His words once again found that place in my heart that had been in the darkness for too long. He made me smile. He made me cry. I was sure that the Universe was giving us a second chance, and then he came here. And it wasn't the same. We had forgotten how to speak to one another. Our chemistry was off. The sex kinda sucked. Nothing was the same. It broke my heart. I was disappointed at first, but then I began to see what the true purpose of meeting again was. For me to let him go completely. For me to know that there is no going back to those special moments we shared. That while I loved him then, there is no way I could love him now. That my heart could finally be released from his chains and be free to give to someone else. And I found peace, dear readers. For the first time in a long time I found peace. No more nightmares. No more heartache. No more sadness tinting my world.
So this is how I felt when I saw him. Even though he had that hungry look in his eye, I was no longer drawn to it. Even though I had found my peace, he still knows how to hurt me to the core. He is the only person in this entire world that knows how to hurt me that deeply. To punish me for being happy and moving on with my life. He wants to date my best friend, Angel. It was so very devestating to hear those words. Not because he was moving on, but because I knew that such a thing would inevitably cause me to lose the best friend I have ever known. And that tore my heart out, dear readers.
Angel is the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. She is kind, generous, loving, funny, smart, independent, and just plain wonderful. I thank the Universe daily for allowing our paths to cross. Bottom line is that he is nowhere close to being good enough for her. She deserves a true man that will love, respect, and cherish her. The Ex is not that man. Needless to say we fought about this for an hour. During which time he put his hands on me in anger, he grabbed my face and forced me to look at him. If I struggled he held tighter, grabbing at my hair. All to make sure that I could look into his eyes and see the truth. That he is punishing me for moving on. That he is playing a game and doesn't care who gets hurt. That he hasn't really changed deep down at the core of his being. It really makes me quite sad for the boy that I knew. He had such potential then. I would have followed that boy to the ends of the earth. I would have done anything to make him happy. But that boy could not be saved. He would not be loved. And he would turn into this bitter man I know today. I truly hope that the man will someday know the peace I have come to find. I no longer wish him ill will. I no longer trust him. I no longer love him. I just feel pity for him. And that, dear readers, is the saddest part of it all.