OOOOPS....I did it again.....

I managed to sabatoge a perfectly good thing. AGAIN. When will I ever learn to shut my big fuckin mouth, dear readers? So last night, I decide that ex and I need to have that little talk. Jut so I can get some reassurance and relax a little, let down my guard some. Well, he was making calls to his family last night, so I just bounced around trying to keep myself entertained and give him a little privacy. So I'm on the phone myself and his baby girl's mama calls. And it sounds like he is flirting with her. And believe me dear readers, I am the queen of the flirt, I know flirting when I see it. So now I am really freaking out. Cause from the side of the conversation I overheard (I know, I know I shouldn't eavesdrop, but HELLO it's an apartment for fuck's sake) it sounded like he wanted to move back home and be with her. The specific comment was, "I'll give you what you want." ***poor feelings being stomped on by a big shoe***
So he gets off the phone and I ask him if we can chat for a few minutes and he says yes. So the conversation starts out well I think. He does want us to just be friends at first (which is FINE btw, we need to get to know each other again). He also said that while he wants nothing more then to be in a good relationship with someone, he isn't sure he's ready to jump right back into anything. So we agreed on that as well. I told him I have no problem being FWB as long as he is honest with me at all times, and if ever there comes a time that he wants to be with someone else or I do that we are honest about it. Sounds good right? Well, then I did it. Somehow we ended up on the past, BIG MISTAKE. VERY BIG MISTAKE. HUGE MISTAKE. If ever I could take back a conversation that would've been it. I am sorry I ever went there. I don't blame him for anything I did or any of the choices I made, but I carry around a lot of guilt about them. I am trying to work on that and honestly I don't dwell on those things anymore. I am occasionally reminded and it make me a little sad, but ultimately I know that I would not be who I am today if I didn't make those difficult choices then. I wish then we would've communicated better and loved each other more generously, but we didn't. We can't go back and fix it now. And while I see these AMAZING changes from the boy that I loved to this man that stands before me, the girl that lives in me is still insecure and scared. Dear readers, I honestly believe this man to be my soulmate. I believed it then, I believed it for the last 10 years, and I believe it now. I had resigned myself to the fact that we had our moment in time and that part was done. Well, now we have this amazing second chance to set things right. I had to take it. I have to know one way or the other. You see, friends, we are back together for a reason and whether that is to help each other move on or to finally be together I don't know. Only time will tell. But that girl that lives inside the woman you see today is so scared to lose him again and it's her insecure voice that I hear in the quiet moments. I wish I knew how to reassure myself that it will be ok, but I don't. And to make me even more secure I have DOUBLED my weight since he last saw me. Now granted, I was WAY too thin then. I was like a size 3, all my bones poked out, it was gross. And while I have come to appreciate my bigger breasts and my delicious ass, I am very self conscious about my belly fat and a few other "problem" areas. So while I would be a little body conscious with anyone, I am especially so with him, cause he knew me to be a lil hottie hard body. So all I hear from the girl is, "You couldn't keep him at home when you were hot, how the hell are going to manage to do it now?" I'm sure you see where this is going, dear readers. Many hours of crying and yelling later I don't know that we ever came to a conclusion. All I know is that I have never wanted to take back words so bad in my life. EVER. I feel so horribly bad that I ever acted like that. Talk about pushing someone away. So he slept on the couch for those few short hours before we had to leave the house, and I laid alone in my bed. And, dear ones, it was the worst feeling in the world. Knowing that my friend, my lover, my soulmate lay just a few feet away but feeling like I had created the Grand Canyon between us. Not being able to just reach out to him and make him understand how very sorry I was. This morning things were a bit strained, but ok given the circumstances. He has a lead on a really great job that pays well. I hope he gets it. I hope he stays. Beyond that though, I really don't know what I want. The world would be so much easier if I could just hold him and rub the back of his head forever. *sigh*